Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[hamish]

Stop me if you've heard this, its a classic!!!

What did one snowman say to the other??? Do you smell carrots????????????

Roy, I don't get that one. sorry.

:confused: :confused: :o

[sfc red]

What's Rico's favourite food??









Maca-damien nuts....I'll get my coat

[hamish]

What's Rico's favourite food??

Maca-damien nuts....I'll get my coat

Jaysus I don't get that one either?? Sorry too sfc red:o

:confused: :confused:

[paul_oshea]

whats teh definition of pressure?

a wife, a mortgage, a mistress and they are all a month late!

[hamish]

whats teh definition of pressure?

a wife, a mortgage, a mistress and they are all a month late!

What's a definition of pain and pressure?

A Castlerea man sliding down a steep embankment using his balls as brakes.:p :D

[gustavo]

Roy, I don't get that one. sorry.

:confused: :confused:
Snowmen traditionally have carrots for noses:)

[gustavo]

A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away. It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a phone.

Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this morning," complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife. "And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the daughter. So the farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first one to speak gets to do the dishes.

The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell. No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another half-hour. So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"

[hamish]

Snowmen traditionally have carrots for noses:)

Know that but my dirty mind thought there was more to it than that. sorry.:o :D

[hamish]

A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away. It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a phone.

Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this morning," complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife. "And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the daughter. So the farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first one to speak gets to do the dishes.

The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell. No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another half-hour. So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"

:D :D :D

[superfrank]

Hamish, your dirty mind was working there!!:rolleyes: ;)

[hamish]

Hamish, your dirty mind was working there!!:

What I'm afraid of - what way was it working?? Oh, I get ya.:D

I "composed" a poem in tottyland about Frosty the Snowman, supefrank, which might explain.:D

[Hulsey]

Due to Man Utds early exit from European competition this week, their is to be a minutes laughter held at all Premiership grounds this weekend.:D

[hamish]

Due to Man Utds early exit from European competition this week, their is to be a minutes laughter held at all Premiership grounds this weekend

RFLMAO Brilliant

:D :D :D

[sfc red]

Jaysus I don't get that one either?? Sorry too sfc red:o

:confused: :confused:

Macadamian nut...His first name is Damien...

[ollie]

RFLMAO

excuse my ignorance but what does that stand for?

[paul_oshea]

roll on the floor laughin my ass off.

its geek speak.

[hamish]

Macadamian nut...His first name is Damien...

Sorry we're a bit thick down these parts...still don't get it.:o :o

[hamish]

roll on the floor laughin my ass off.

its geek speak.

Ah get up the yard you, baldy-boy:p :D :D

[superfrank]

What I'm afraid of - what way was it working?? Oh, I get ya.:D

I "composed" a poem in tottyland about Frosty the Snowman, supefrank, which might explain.:D
Yeah I saw it. Nicely done. I'm boycotting Totty Watch cos of Peadar.

[sligoman]

Due to Man Utds early exit from European competition this week, their is to be a minutes laughter held at all Premiership grounds this weekend.:DAh feck off!:mad:. I wouldn't mind if it was funny:o.

[hamish]

Yeah I saw it. Nicely done. I'm boycotting Totty Watch cos of Peadar.

Not to worry, Superfrancis,Queen Juliana is now in charge.:)

[hamish]

what does a blonde put behind her ears to make her look more atractive?
her ankles

Boy draws a schlong on the board one day in class. Lady teacher sees it and rubs it off. Next day the boy draws a bigger one and writes ’ the more you rub, the bigger it gets"

A couple are driving down the road when they decide to have passionate sex. They pull over to the side of the road and begin. A soon while later a cop pulls up behind them and catches them in the act. He writes out a ticket and states the offence as: doing 69 in a 60 km/h area.

An irishman goes for a job at a blacksmiths. The blacksmith asks "Have you ever shoed a horse before?" The irishman replies "No, but I once told a donkey to phuck off"

[sligoman]

A couple are driving down the road when they decide to have passionate sex. They pull over to the side of the road and begin. A soon while later a cop pulls up behind them and catches them in the act. He writes out a ticket and states the offence as: doing 69 in a 60 km/h area.Class one Hamish:D.

[hamish]

Class one Hamish:D.

Wooi, fank yuu moi san.:D

(That's an attempt at a Cockney accent):o

[hamish]

Remember those army deafness claims??

Old Irish army salute:
http://www.oregonarmyguard.com/images/sal.gif

New Irish army salute
http://www.spectrum.kellyamel.com/photoblog/papis_hands.jpg
:D

[Bosco]

2 nigerians,Dj and Sami arrive in ireland,Sami goes to kerry and Dj to dublin but they agree to meet up in 2 years time to see how irish each of them have become.
2 years passe and they meet up in galway,sami says that he loves life in kerry,"i love gaelic football,guiness and farming among other things,tell me Dj,how irish have you become?"
Dj turns to him and says "Fcuk off ya Black culchie b.astard"




Whats the hardest 5 years of a travellers life?





............Sixth class!

[sligoman]

Whats the hardest 5 years of a travellers life?





............Sixth class!Ha ha, nice one!:D :D.

[gustavo]

from the archives:) (http://foot.ie/showthread.php?t=1816&highlight=conductor)

[Block G Raptor]

Manchester united Have Announced a huge new sponsorhip deal for next season (Take your Pick)

EasyJet :in and out of europe in 90 mins

Knorr : Chicken stock, Beef stock now Laughing stock

Pampers : P1ssy up front Sh1t at the back

[hamish]

Hope Queen Juliana spots this one.:D

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says,"This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"
Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Callum Best is set to inherit 3 million pounds from his Dad's death.
He will get it as soon as he takes the bottles back

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp He
rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie,
however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the
stillness
two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly
at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo!
Now we're going to have to p!ss in the boat."

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says,
"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out,"Oh my god"!!!
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, say I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident".
"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a believer now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a believer"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen". (the moral of this story, you cant trust nobody.)

How do you get a nun pregnant?.
Dress her up as the altar boy.

[strangeirish]

Hope Queen Juliana spotsb this one.:D

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says,"This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Deadly...LMAO:D

[hamish]

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian were sitting in a bar.
There was only one other person in the bar: a quiet man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "oh bejesus begora, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a schooner of four xxxx for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a carafe of wine, a couple of glasses of brandy and a nice panatela for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drinks and smiles over at the man.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
"Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says.
"The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Australian, thanking him for the four xxxx. Upon letting go, the Aussie's eyes widen in shock. "gor riper", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Englishman, who has a terrified look on his face.
The englishman whispers "Fcuk off mate, I'm on sickness benefit."

[hamish]

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Christopher Reeve after a house fire

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.


This married couple have been trying for a baby for ages and have had no luck whatsoever. Finally, the woman says to the man: "You must be infertile, go to the hospital an get some tests done."
So the guy goes to the hospital, has the tests, comes back and reports to his wife: "I'm fine love, there's nothing wrong with me... it must be you. Why don't you go and get some tests done?"
So the woman goes to the hospital, has some tests done, returns to her husband and says: "Well, you'll be pleased to know that you'll be changing some nappies in nine months time"
"Why?" The man says, "Are you pregnant?"
"No" the wife replies... "I've got irritable bowel syndrome!"

Philosophical thoughts:
To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do - Jean Paul Sartre
Do be do be do - Sinatra

A Dubliner decided that he wanted to be a Corky Boy. So he goes to the doctor to find out what kind of surgeries need to be done. The doctor outlines a plan of yellowing his skin, reducing by 50% the length of his schlong, colouring his hair red, etc... Then, when all this is done, the most important part of the operation is to be done, cutting out half the guy's brain.

So, the guy goes for it, all the operations are done flawlessly until the brain surgery. During the brain surgery, an earthquake rocks the hospital and causes the surgeon's hand to slip. He accidently cuts out 3/4 of the brain instead of 1/2. The surgeon corrects the problem as much as he is able, but not much can be done to reattach the severed brain. So he closes him up and waits to see the results.

Later, the guy wakes up and the surgeon comes in to ask him questions. "Mr. Fenlon, can you hear me?"

"Yerra boy, course I can, like" :p :D


A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned.
"You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My hole is killing me." :eek:

A cannibal walks into the clearing his tribe uses for a toilet. He sees his best friend having a sh!te and crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong with you?" he asks.
His pal looks up at him with watery eyes and asys "I've just dumped my girlfriend."

A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The landlord runs up to the man and says,"Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"No, what did the stupid fcuker do this time?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord.
"I hope it kills the stupid cnut," says the man.
About two weeks later,the man comes backto the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar,his monkey is agaian out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar,picks it upsticks it up his arse,and then eats it.
The landlord,having seen this,asks the man:"Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"
"No",says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him.
"Well,what do you expect?"asks the man."Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"

[hamish]

While enjoying a drink with his mate one night, a Beeslow man decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar.She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany her home.They spend the night hard at it.Finally they finish; Beeslow man rolls off,pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter.
He asks his new love if she has a light.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer",she replies.
Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man.Naturally he begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he enquires nervously.
"No,silly" she replies.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No",she replirs,snuggling up to him.
"Who is he then?"
"Thats me,before the operation!" :eek:


Murphy rings his boss at work and says"Look,i`m really sorry,but i can`t come to work today,i`m sick".
"Sick!" screams his boss "Sick! This is the tenth time this month, Murphy.Exactly how sick are you?"
"Well",replies Murphy."I`m in bed with my mother"

a Corky Boy is walking on the street with a big parrot on his shoulder.
a little boy comes up and says "sir, what an interesting animal you got there".
the parrot goes "yeah, I got him in a pet shop in Patrick Street":p :D

The Queen, on a visit to Africa, visits an Ebola clinic and come's across a room that's locked. She looks though the door's window and see a man groaning so she turns to a nurse and asks, "Is he alright, what are you feeding him on?" Nurse replies, "He's got the Ebola virus, your majesty and we feed him pancakes, pizza, pitta bread, sandwiches,flapjacks,biscuits".
The Queens wonders as to why such a strange menu. The nurse answers, "It's the only stuff we can slide under the door

There are three blondes stuck on an isle, they had been there for a few days, when they stumbled across a magical lamp. One of the blondes rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie pops out and says, "I will grant each of you a wish". The first blonde says, "Make me smart so I can think of a way to get off this isle". He points his finger at her, and she turns into a redhead, After a few minutes the blond heads towards the water and swims. The next blonde says, "Make me even smarter than her so I can get off this island". So he points his finger and she becomes a brunette, she builds a boat and sets sail. The last one says, "Make me smarter than both of them combined, and he points his finger at her and turns her into a man, the man then walks across the foot bridge to the other side.

[hamish]

I'll finish with these quickies


Two cows in a field, one says to the other, "What do you think of this mad cow disease?"
The other says, "I dont care, I'm a rabbit"

A banana and vibrator, in a blondes bedroom. The banana says to the vibrator, "Why are you shaking, she's going to eat me"

Was big chief sitting bull gay ?
I heard he was a brave fcuker!!!:D

Doctor! I think my wife is dead."
"How can you tell?"
"Well, the sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up."

Sligo bloke comes home from school and says to his mum "I've got the biggest knob in third class, is it because I'm from Sligo?". She says "No its because you're 22, you fcuking moron".:p

An asylum-seeker walks into an off-licence and asks "Please recommend to me your finest port"
Shopkeeper says "Southampton - now, fcuk off"

A young nun, Sister Julie, was chasing the grows off her cabbage patch, and shouting, "Bloody crows, will ye fcuk off, fcuk off!"
Disgusted on hearing the nun, the mother superior came rushing out,
and said, "Sister Julie, just say, SHOO, SHOO"
"And they'll fcuk off just the same."

What do you call an Indian karaoke singer? - Gorrupta Singh

Young Jimmy is absent from school one day. On his return,his teacher asks:"We didnt see you in class - what was wrong with you yesterday Jimmy"?
"My daddy got burned miss " says Jimmy. Taken aback, the teacher replies, "Thats a shame, Jimmy,Was he badly burnt"?
Jimmy looks at her."well,they don't fcuk about at the crematorium, miss."

Victoria Beckham has announced she had an affair with Micheal Jackson, Jackos lawyer said its all lies as he was in Brooklyn at the time.

A man walks into a doctors with a steering wheel down his pants,the doctor says what happened, man says "I dont know but its driving me nuts". :D

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
-Christopher Walken

Whats the difference between a Dubliner and a pizza?
-The pizza can feed a family of four

Whats got 3 legs and lives on a farm?
Mr & Mrs Paul McCartney

A drunken Sligo Rovers supporter goes to the ice cream van and asks " Hic, Can I haf an iceshcream, please"?
Ice cream vendor says "No problem. What do you want on it? Nuts?, Juice?, Flake?"
Rovers fan says "Don't matter really, I'm only going to drop it"

[strangeirish]

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

What's a wok?
Something you thwo' at a wabbit.

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

[hamish]

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

What's a wok?
Something you thwo' at a wabbit.

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

LOL:D

A man goes to his doctors to pick up his wife's test results.
DOC: I'm afraid there's bad news.
MAN: What is it?
DOC: Well, we're not sure. Your wife has either Alzheimers or AIDS.
MAN: Bloody hell! Well, which one is it?
DOC: Dunno. But there is a test you can do.
MAN: Which is...?
DOC: Put her in your car and drive her out into the middle of nowhere.
MAN:Then...?
DOC: Leave her there. If she find's her way home, don't shag her.

George W and Bin Laden are sitting watching Star Trek. Bin turns to George and says "This is crap, they have blacks , chinese, gays , aliens, every race and creed apart from muslims. Its not very realistic is it?" George turns to Bin Laden and says
" Oh yes it is, what you don`t understand Bin, this is Star Trek, its set in the FUTURE!"

Flashback to Euro 2004.
Victoria (Posh Spice) Beckham has broken the World Record for gang bangs.
In 120 minutes, her shaven c.unt managed to fcuk the entire country!:eek:

This man want's to be a monk, goes to the the father of the monestry who say's. "You'll have to go though a test, to see if you're monk material".
"What we do is tie a bell to the end of your knob, and parade a naked beautiful woman,in front of you,and if the bell rings you can't join".
So he takes the test, and to make him feel comfortable all the other monks are standing behind him with bell's on there's too.
Anyway, in walks the naked woman, and his bell starts to ring, it ring's so much it fall's off, and he bend's down to pick it up, and all the other bell's rang.

One day, a farmer woke up to find that all 100 of his cows had died. Without his cows, he is ruined. So he goes to the nearby lake, and drowns himself.

The oldest brother wakes up, reads the note left by his father, and decides that life isn't worth living. So he goes to the lake to drown himself as well. There is a mermaid there. She tells the boy that if he can screw her 5 times, she will resurrect his father, and the cows. Anyway, the boy tries his best, but only can do it 3 times. So, she kills him.

The second oldest brother goes to the lake to drown himself, and the mermaid is there. She says that if he screws her 10 times in a row, she will resurrect his father, brother, and cows. He tries his best, but only can get it up 8 times.

The youngest brother then goes to the lake. The mermaid tells him that he must do it with her 20 times. He looks at her, bemused, and then says "What about 50 times? Or 100?"
The mermaid goes "Err, you think that you can handle it?"
And he replies "Sure! How do you think all the cows died???"

how did the Corky Boy break his arm while raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree!:p


Two whites were captured by a dangerous tribe. The tribe go "You have trespassed on our land, you must be punished. You can either be punished by "Bogga Bogga", or death".

So, the first guy goes "AWWW... I don't want to die, so I'll take Bogga Bogga". Anyway, the tribe rape the man, and then let him go.

The second guy is disgusted, and says "I'll take death!". So the leader of the tribe goes "OK. You are sentenced to death... by Bogga Bogga!"

[hamish]

One day a blonde woke up feeling really good and intelligent, so she decided to take a walk to work and enjoy the city.
On the way to work she stops at a shop and looked through the window and saw the one thing she always wanted, so she decided to enter the shop to buy it.
She goes up to the counter and asks the man if she can buy the tv on display
The man replys "Nope I don't sell anything to blondes"
So she stomps out of the store really mad. The next day she dyes her hair red and goes back to the shop and asks the man again.
The man replys "Nope I don't sell anything to blondes"
So she starts getting angry and decides to turn dye her hair brown. The next day she goes back to the shop and the man refuses to give her service again!
So finally the blonde decides to dye her hair completely black, she goes back to the store and demands the tv.
The man says "I told you once and I told you twice, I do not sell anything to blondes"
The blonde replies " I don't get it, when I was blonde you wouldn't sell it to me, when I was redhead you wouldn't sell it, then I was brown and now I have black hair, how do you know I'm blonde?!?"
The man replies "Cause that's not a tv, its a microwave".


Two blokes are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking its schlong. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one bloke. To which the other replied,
"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"

''Where do find 3 year olds running in Kentucky. At The Kentucky Derby, of course. Where do you find 3 year olds running in California. Neverland Ranch''

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[hamish]

Murphy was a thick, cheeky fcuker who annoyed the hell out of bunch of yobbos near a dockside pub one night. Anyway, it ended up them chasing him down the streets after the bar closed.
Murphy, now sober and panicking ran towards the quays and, as luck would have it, spotted a moving fishing thrawler about 20 feet off the quayside.
With a mighty, running jump he covered the distance and scrambled aboard the vessel.
Relieved, he looked back at the four thugs at the water's edge, gave them all the finger and roared in triumph, "Ye cnuts, ye won't catch me now".
To his surprise, they erupted into laughter.
"What's so fcuking funny, ye b@stards?", enquired Murphy.
The yob spokesman gestured to the boat and said,
"Murphy, ya gobsh!te, yer boat's coming in".

:D

[paul_oshea]

that mccartney one is class

good man hamish the one liners are teh best. i do be cracking them up at work with all these one liners.

[hamish]

that mccartney one is class

good man hamish the one liners are teh best. i do be cracking them up at work with all these one liners.

:D Glad to see I'm helping with the aul work productivity Paul. LOL:D

[hamish]

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
Nice t!ts!

A Geologist is giving a tour of his laboratory, the tour walks past a very large seismometer and one of the tourist asks “what this?” the Geologist replies “that is the world most sensitive seismometer” the tourist asks again “Really? How sensitive is it?”
The geologist says, “Here let me show you.” and walks up to the seismometer opens up a control panel and screen and starts typing away, then he says “Well according to this you have farted twice in the last hour.”

God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."

Whats the Cuban national anthem?
Row Row Row your boat

:D

[hamish]

A new priest was performing his first mass and was so nervous that he could hardly speak.
After the mass was over he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous i take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous so he took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh!t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off of his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said “take this and eat for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the cherry.”

13) The recommended grace for before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

[Hulsey]

Wayne Rooney rings Alex Ferguson one Monday morning. "Me ma bought me a jig-saw to calm me down and stop me robbing cars and comitting other assorted crimes, but it won't work. None of the pieces fit together properly." So alex tells his young striker to bring the puzzle over to his house and he'll give him a hand with it. Upon entering Alex tells the youngster to go into the sitting room and set it up while he goes and makes some tea. Alex returns a couple of minutes later and takes one look at his table before screaming at Rooney "Wayne put the fcukin Frosties back in the box!"
-------------------
How does a man utd fan get into a honest business?
Through the sky light!:D
------------------
Whats the difference between a man utd fan and a Dildo?
A man utd fan is a real pr!ck.:D
-------------------
Why do people take an automatic dislike to man utd fans?
It saves time! :D

[hamish]

Quickies

I used to be a boxer they called Picasso as I was always on the canvas.

A friend said, "My wife's an angel". I said, "Your'e lucky, mine's still alive

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Connemara?
Anywhere else they would call it a teethbrush.

Why do women rub there eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Superman is flying about, checking out the city to see if it is crime free. He sees Wonderwoman naked on one of skyscrapers.
He thinks to himself "Hmm, I've always wanted to ah@g that one. I'll just use my light speed to go down, give her one, and then fly off!".
So anyway, he does so.
Wonderwoman exclaims "Holy ****, what was that?"
And invisible man, who was on top of her, goes "I don't know, but, suddenly I've an awful pain in the hole"

CONFUCIUS SAY:

"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp c.ock."

"Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet pussy

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine."


What did the iraqi woman say to her husband? 'Does my bomb look big in this?"

[hamish]

Two Iraqi blokes talking in the pub and the first one shows the other a picture and says,"This is my 1st son, he's a martyr". He then shows him another picture and says,"This is my 2nd son, he's a martyr" and then he shows him another picture and says,"This is my 3rd son, he's going to be a martyr" and the other one turns round and says,"Yes they blow up so fast these days".

There are these two penises walking down the straight, and they see a gay bar. one turns and says to the other "Hey, let's go in there and get sh!t faced!"

A Beeslowman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Beeslowman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Beeslowman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Beeslowman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[hamish]

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell,
where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Ronald Reagan with sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, giving him a blow job, Bush looks in disbelief, and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle that."

The Devil smiled and said,
"OK, Monica, you're free to go.":D

Love that one.

[hamish]

Stevie Wonder was over in Dublin to do a concert and stayed in The Gresham Hotel the night before.
The waiter asked him would he like a snack and he said he'd love a cup of coffee and some biscuits.
Waiter brought him coffee and a plate of Cream Crackers.
Afterwards, the waiter asked him was the snack ok.
Stevie replied, "Yeah, coffee was great but those books were fcukin' lousy"

[hamish]

Why do people take an automatic dislike to man utd fans?
It saves time! :D

LOL Great Manure jokes Hulsey.........just forwarded them to my mates around the country.:D

[Peadar]

This was the chant to Lord of the Dance tune at the Man United the other day:

"Park, Park, Where ever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
But it could be worse
You could be a scouse
Eating rats in your council house"