Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[jinxy lilywhite]

he doesnt have a leg to stand on me thinks

[SkStu]

Sorry lads but cracking jokes about this is a bit prosthetic, sorry, pathetic...

[Mr A]

The poor man must be going through hell- people should not be exacerbating that by making silly jokes. It'll be hard enough for him to get back on his feet as it is.

[SkStu]

I'm trying to better that on Mr. A but I'm stumped.

[pineapple stu]

A couple of days late, but still...

http://24.media.tumblr.com/9929fe3ba8289f1af8f6e1ae2b4bff91/tumblr_mi46dvpKX11qasthro1_500.png
http://2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/53/57/8012fa53d849863471d20f997ecb70e5-puritan-valentines-day-cards.jpg

[strangeirish]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/11050_551991671488515_706847299_n.jpg

[BonnieShels]

Red x!

[SkStu]

http://i48.tinypic.com/3341xrd.jpg

[jinxy lilywhite]

I once had a pet mouse called Elvis , but he is now dead.

He was caught in a trap

[strangeirish]

Sorry lads but cracking jokes about this is a bit prosthetic, sorry, pathetic...
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/17508_10200551496097128_1518318488_n.jpg

[BonnieShels]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/11050_551991671488515_706847299_n.jpg

I posted that yonks ago in the "Say anything thread". Still a good 'un.

[BonnieShels]

http://i48.tinypic.com/3341xrd.jpg

They photoshopped in one blade... but couldn't photoshop out the other.

Amateur hour.

http://cdn.okcimg.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/243x377/243x377/0x0/0x0/0/18105808090750100030.jpeg___1_500_1_500_cb94de6a_. png

[SkStu]

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.

[SkStu]

http://i49.tinypic.com/5eyio9.jpg

[gastric]

LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE!
I'd just comeout of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & ajumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for twodays.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
I took myBiology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found incells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Muslims" were NOT the correctanswers.
A fat girlserved me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said,'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When Icame out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're stillblack'.
Snow in theforecast and the TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thoughtto myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing byasks 'What be wrong, me lad?' The boy says 'Tis cause me ma died this mornin'.'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Would you be wantin' me to call Father O'Rileyfor you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on me mind atthe moment .'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But sinceall my doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutterspeed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouthclosed.

[DannyInvincible]

LET'SOFFEND EVERYONE!
I'd justcome out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas &a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for twodays.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
I took myBiology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found incells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Muslims" were NOT the correctanswers.
A fatgirl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' Isaid, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When Icame out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're stillblack'.
Snow inthe forecast and the TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. Ithought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing byasks 'What be wrong, me lad?' The boy says 'Tis cause me ma died this mornin'.'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Would you be wantin' me to call Father O'Rileyfor you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on me mind atthe moment .'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But sinceall my doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutterspeed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouthclosed.





Is the offensive formatting part of the joke?

[SkStu]

I think it's to throw Geysir off the scent...!

[gastric]

Is the offensive formatting part of the joke?

Thanks, some technical issue. Looks fine until I save it , then the crap appears. Will endeavour to sort it.

[strangeirish]

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?" "Yes!" Paddy replies. The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?" Paddy replies "Ah sure it's time and a half, right..?"

[SkStu]

I'll always remember my first shag.

14 years old and scared as hell.

Mind you, I was 26.

[SkStu]

Just tried a Harlem w@nk on the bus. Nobody joined in but there was a lot of screaming.

[BonnieShels]

Just tried a Harlem w@nk on the bus. Nobody joined in but there was a lot of screaming.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjfkynJ4hbI

[nigel-harps1954]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/59201_562140693808994_1148574222_n.jpg

[Cuyahoga]

I am not going to make a joke about the Iron Lady's death.
Let her rust in peace.

[Mr A]

Yeah, apparently they have no choice but to bury her.

The lady's not for burning.

[BonnieShels]

Bonnie looks at list on main forum page: "It appears there's a new post in the joke thread. The text has been emboldened to suggest same. I shall go in there."

Bonnie winces when he sees that Mr A has made the last post: "This will surely be in good taste. He is a witty dog is Mr A. He would never stoop to the lowest common... oh wait... I bet it's a Thatcher joke."

Bonnie sees Thatcher joke and shakes head: "Tut tut!"

[jinxy lilywhite]

I was trying to come up with a good gag about Adebayor's penalty....

And then it hit me.

[SkStu]

http://i48.tinypic.com/13zn0ur.jpg

[SkStu]

http://i49.tinypic.com/2iu89op.jpg

[strangeirish]

http://i434.photobucket.com/albums/qq63/Strangeirish/Craic_zps98b298ca.jpg (http://s434.photobucket.com/user/Strangeirish/media/Craic_zps98b298ca.jpg.html)

[SkStu]

Dear Jim,

Please can you fix it for me to go on It's A Knockout......

[Señor Willy]

What do you call a Spanish streaker?

SEÑOR WILLY!

[jinxy lilywhite]

My GPS has no idea where Funky Town even is...

[BonnieShels]

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says "We don't serve noble gases in here"

He doesn't react.

[peadar1987]

f(x)=2x3-4x2+8x-9 walks into a bar, and asks the barman for a sandwich.

"Sorry", says the barman. "We don't cater for functions".

[pineapple stu]

Best nerd joke I've heard in a long time!

[BonnieShels]

This has always been my favourite maths joke: (Incidentally I broke up with a girl the evening I realised I talked to her mate more than her. The mate got the joke, the GF stared straight ahead.)

At a party everyone is dancing and having a good time, except e^x who is sitting in the corner.
Sin(x) notices so comes over and says “Why don’t you stop moping in the corner and try and integrate yourself?"

e^x meekly responds, "I just can't. It'll make no difference!"

[Ozymandias]

This has always been my favourite maths joke: (Incidentally I broke up with a girl the evening I realised I talked to her mate more than her. The mate got the joke, the GF stared straight ahead.)

At a party everyone is dancing and having a good time, except e^x who is sitting in the corner.
Sin(x) notices so comes over and says “Why don’t you stop moping in the corner and try and integrate yourself?"

e^x meekly responds, "I just can't. It'll make no difference!"
can you clarify again for me. Did she break uip with you ???

[jinxy lilywhite]

I love this weather, short low cut tops and mini skirts...........
They make me look a bit gay though.!

[SkStu]

what's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face...

[IrishRossi]

I don't know what Putin's planning on doing next but he's told FIFA that Russia will not be hosting the world cup in 2018.

Instead, he wants it to be called the Russian Federation Cup


Note to Enda Kenny:

You can say what you like about Putin, but at least he knows how to organise a swift in/out referendum!

[SkStu]

http://i58.tinypic.com/bi080o.jpg

[DeLorean]

My girlfriend called me a paedophile...

I said... "that's a big word for a twelve year old"

[BonnieShels]

An older man and a young boy are holding hands and walking into the woods together.

The boy looks up and say, "gee, I'm scared, it's dark in here."

The old man answers, "Yeah, just think how I feel....I have to walk out of here alone!"

[nigel-harps1954]

A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre. The barman gives her one.

[Eminence Grise]

She's a girl of outstanding dimensions
(Two of which were her surgeon's inventions).
She's got 36D-
22-33,
And a PhD nobody mentions.

[SkStu]

She's a girl of outstanding dimensions
(Two of which were her surgeon's inventions).
She's got 36D-
22-33,
And a PhD nobody mentions.

E.G., I'm picturing a group of men recanting that limerick in a room with a very full library. You are there in your smoking jacket and slippers, casually swishing your brandy around its snifter and laughing heartily at such merriment..

[Eminence Grise]

http://manlawmondays.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/food-dinner-party-elegant-gentlemen-antique-print-1886-wdjb-130403-p.jpg

My homeys and I, enjoying a post-prandial sherry and louche, if devastatingly humorous, limericks.

I'll make sure to invite you to the next one, Stu.

[osarusan]

My homeys and I, enjoying a post-prandial sherry and louche, if devastatingly humorous, limericks.

I'll make sure to invite you to the next one, Stu.
It's a jolly shame old Pickwick couldn't make it.

[Eminence Grise]

Blighter was banished to the library with a bottle of brandy and a Browning revolver after we found him cheating at bridge. It wasn't the cheating that bothered us, it was that we were playing whist at the time.:doh: