Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Mr A]

http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/3467/running.jpg

[Keen2win]

Whats the definition of optimism?

A ginger buying condoms!

[Deckydee]

http://4gifs.com/gallery/d/145050-1/Police_medic.jpg

[the 12 th man]

Two of Bin Laden's wives getting ready to hit the town for the night,one wife trying on a new outfit turns to the other and says-"Does my bomb look big in this?"

[Lev Yashin]

In the news; "Woman arrested for killing her kids whilst on holiday in Spain".

Silly cow should have gone to Portugal, she would have got away with it there.

[The Betting Man]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his ****in' widow."

[Deckydee]

I cheated on my wife with a gorgeous young weather-girl.

My judgement was clouded.

[the 12 th man]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?'She asked.'Hunting Flies'He responded.'Oh. ! Killing any?'She asked.'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded, 3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.

[Deckydee]

Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked, but that's rare

[The Betting Man]

Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked, but that's rare

Jaysus thats bad

[Deckydee]

What have B.A Baracus and Theo Walcott got in common?

They're both black and they both ain't getting on no plane!

---

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about €50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Magicme]

Maybe they should change the name of the ship to the Rachel Eastenders. Israel would s**t themselves if they thought the Mitchell Brothers where at the helm.....

[osarusan]

Didn't know where to put this, then decided the jokes thread might be best, given the content.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/world_cup_2010/8717653.stm

Italy captain Fabio Cannavaro, who held aloft the World Cup four years ago, has signed a two-year deal with a club in Dubai.


"My contract with Al-Ahli realises my dream of living in Dubai and finishing my career playing for one of its clubs," said Cannavaro.

[Bray-Z]

Have I posted my joke about amnesia before?

[Closed Account 2]

Sports pic of the day:

http://img691.imageshack.us/img691/5079/image001ej.jpg

[Spudulika]

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, an Irish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.


The old lady thinks:

The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.


The blonde Swiss girl thinks:

That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.


The English guy thinks:

That Irish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.


And the Irish guy thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English son of a B.tch again.....

[OwlsFan]

It's being reported that Rob Green had more than 4,000 shots fired at him in a three-hour training session today and didn’t concede a single goal.

Tomorrow, him and Heskey will train with the rest of the England squad…

[Ciaran W]

Ever noticed during international matches they have 3 letters to show which teams are playing eg 'ENG 0-1 IRL'. .I wonder if thats why nigeria have never played germany

[John83]

ever noticed during international matches they have 3 letters to show which teams are playing eg 'eng 0-1 irl'. .i wonder if thats why nigeria have never played germany
frn-frd? :p

[Ciaran W]

Iron man is a superhero.
Iron woman is a command.

[Magicme]

Some blonde jokes from my blonde mother to her blonde daughters. :D

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'


THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

[strangeirish]

http://i48.tinypic.com/yhu90.jpg:D:D

[Ciaran W]

My wife called me an annoying cnut the other day.
I almost choked on my vuvuzela

You may hate pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly when passing schools.

[thischarmingman]

http://cdn.majorleaguesoccertalk.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/the-sun-world-cup-2010.jpg

[thischarmingman]

The English team visited a township orphanage today.
'It is great to put a smile on the faces of people under huge pressure with little hope' said Joseph Mbolo, aged 6.

[Ciaran W]

A man walks into a library and asks for a book about suicide, the librarian replies: fcuk off, you wont bring it back !

[brendy_éire]

Breaking news:

England have a new coach.
It wil be picking them up on Thursday morning to take them to the airport.

[danthesaint]

What's the difference between Jordan and a Vuvuzela horn? One's a cheap plastic bit of trash that makes an annoying whining noise every time you turn on the T.V.
The other is a musical instrument.


BREAKING NEWS: The England football match has been moved from ITV to a
gay porn channel. As 11 arseholes getting hammered is considered to
explicit for ITV

[the 12 th man]

Job Vacancy.
Location: London
Position: Specialist welder
Duties:Must be able to weld a roof back onto a bus.

[endabob1]

Oxo have just brought out a new stock cube, its white with a red cross on it and it will be called 'a laughing stock'

[The Betting Man]

– David Blaine is reportedly furious after England crashed
out of the World Cup – his record of doing absolutely nothing in
a box for 42 days was broken by Wayne Rooney.

[danthesaint]

Whats the difference between AIDS and the England football team???

AIDS will be still in South Africa tomorrow!!!!!

[Lev Yashin]

Christiano Ronaldo had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"

"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the floor," replied the baby.

[Ciaran W]

I booked an asian prostitute last night but she arrived 2 hours late.
She loved me wrong time.

[Deckydee]

In the jungle, South African jungle
Three lions sleep tonight
Cos in the morning, the early morning
They have to catch a flight

A win no way, a win no way
A win no way, a win no way

[Deckydee]

Well done England, you've managed to beat a country where the currency is cabbage.


John Terry: "If they can't be honest, there is no point being out here," said the love-cheat son of a drugs dealer and shoplifter.


Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.


What do you get when you cross a Lampard shot with a disallowed goal?
50 million England fans unable to accept that they lost 4-1 not 4-2.


Robert Green... now that's one spill the Americans won't complain about, eh?


This Friday, 19:30, two nations meet, England vs Algeria.
One is the birth place of terrorists and home to Islamic fundamentalists who live by Sharia Law in slums and shanty towns.
The other is Algeria.

[De Town]

Decky, what's it like living 2 weeks behind everyone else?

[Lev Yashin]

Decky, what's it like living 2 weeks behind everyone else?

He's in Belgium....


Nuff Said:D

[Deckydee]

Not bad at all actually :p

Me was in Disneyland for a while.

Edit: I forgot one:


I can't believe we only managed a draw against a **** team we should easily have beaten.
I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

[Deckydee]

He's in Belgium....


Nuff Said:D

Now, now! ;)

[Mr A]

Cristiano Ronaldo had his first parenting lesson with his new son this
morning.

"Right" said the midwife, "what should you do if the baby starts crying
and having a tantrum?"

"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f***ing floor"
replied the newborn.

[Lev Yashin]

Cristiano Ronaldo had his first parenting lesson with his new son this
morning.

"Right" said the midwife, "what should you do if the baby starts crying
and having a tantrum?"

"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f***ing floor"
replied the newborn.

You robbed my joke!!!! :eek::mad:

[Ciaran W]

So the germans have said that England's "goal'' being disallowed is fine and acceptable as it was simply karma for the Russian linesman incident in '66. Well said Germany and on a similar note i have opened a wonderfully ligitimate new recreational shower chamber that 6 million of you should pop along to,free of charge,and discuss the ins and outs of your karma theory.

[Deckydee]

I told my girlfriend that her new bikini is too tight and revealing.

She said that if I feel like that then I should wear something else.

[Ciaran W]

Iraq drastically needs to reduce its car bomb footprint.

Predictive text is for aunts.

[Deckydee]

Can someone please help me with my Call of Duty: French Edition?

The game just loads up to the main menu and the only option is 'Quit'.

[Deckydee]

This is an old one but I love it!

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

[Deckydee]

Discoveries and Inventions by Men and Women

Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things… While Women STUCK to shopping.

[Deckydee]

Words of Wisdom

Lucky: One who gets the opportunity
Brilliant: One who creates the opportunity
Winner: One who uses the opportunity.

The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.

There are two types of people who are failures in life... Those who do not listen to anybody and those who listen to everybody.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.

Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.

Never be proud, nor be depressed for what you are and the position you hold. Because after the game of chess, the king and the soldiers go into the same box.

Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God.

"Behind every successful man, there is a woman" But nobody knows the fact "Women go only behind the successful men".

[De Town]

Was just driving past Old Trafford and I saw a huge poster outside with stars Patrice Evra and Park-Ji-Sung advertising Nike.

At first I thought it was an ad for Rush Hour 4.