Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[sligoman]

Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge? (http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20090824/tuk-hedgehog-joke-funniest-of-fringe-6323e80.html)

[Umberside]

Got this joke from a friend:

Why did the elephant cross the road?

[Mad Moose]

Back to Edinburgh again. I love 4 and 9.

I'm not sure why I seem to read them as in Jimmy Carr's voice. Number 2 sounds like a joke Jimmy would say as does number 9.

The top ten jokes from this year’s Edinburgh Festival. Some made me smile and even laugh so thought I’d share…



The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:

• 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

• 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

• 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

• 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

• 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

• 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

• 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

• 8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

• 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

[strangeirish]

A man goes into a maternity shop to buy his wife a bra. The shop assistant asks "What bust?". The man says "The feckin' condom!".

[sligoman]

South African runner Caster Semenya has reacted with fury that she has to undergo a sex test. She's quoted as saying 'After winning the gold, this is a real kick in the balls'

[Mad Moose]

Got this joke from a friend:

Why did the elephant cross the road?

Jaysus. Is he/she still a friend?

Oh and you can tell us the answer with the joke too. Guessing the answer to your joke on here doesn't really work.:D

I hate when somebody asks me a joke as a question. Inevitably (unless I've had the fortune of hearing it before) I'll have to go 'I don't know' at which point its slightly awkward!!!

Oh and having to laugh despite not really finding the joke funny. Another awkward one.

[DmanDmythDledge]

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

[superfrank]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

-------------

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

--------------

Supposedly, the two funniest jokes of all time according to this lot: http://www.laughlab.co.uk/

[thischarmingman]

Someone sent me a text earlier this morning, all it had was the letters a,b,g and n in it. To be honest I think it was bang out of order.

[thischarmingman]

My job is so f*cking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f*cking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f*cking dog to work. Every f*cking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single f*cking day.

Anyway, I drive these f*cktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t.

[old git]

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick *******"


A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

" one for the ladies out there " Why isit so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends. :D:D

[Lev Yashin]

"Here is a ball.
Look at the ball.
I like the ball.
The ball is round.
Look at the round ball.
I like the round ball."

(Dwight Yorke's autobiography is on sale now)

[the 12 th man]

This guy entered 10 puns in the national pun competition to see if he could win it but no pun in ten did.

[John83]

This guy entered 10 puns in the national pun competition to see if he could win it but no pun in ten did.
Oh, I don't think those competitions mean anything. I mean, if you've seen pun, you've seen 'em all.

[sligofan4ever]

Nostradamus said that when a black man was elected to lead the most powerful nation in the world, then pigs would fly.

2009, Obama takes office in the White House and becomes the first black man to lead the most powerful nation in the world.

And what else has happened to prove Nostradamus correct?

Swine flu.

[gustavo]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went into a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there..
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

[stann]

I like Tim Vine too. :D

So I bought this chess set, but it was no good and I took it back to the shop. I said "that's stalemate." He said "are you sure?" I said "checkmate."

Last year in Edinburgh there was a oldish chap as a guide on one of the open top buses going round he city, funny man, Going past one of the many graveyards there he told the same joke as above, that it was a little known fact that the inventor of the crossword was buried there, he couldn't remember his name but it was P something T something something.
It was a hop-on-hop-off bus so he also said if anyone wanted to get off to see the grave you had to go in the main gate and then it was two down and five across. :D

[Lev Yashin]

I’m halfway through the book of genesis & there’s no mention of Phil Collins yet

[gustavo]

I’m halfway through the book of genesis & there’s no mention of Phil Collins yet
Keep reading , theres a good section about him from when he takes over from Peter Gabriel as frontman

[Magicme]

just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to **** off!!Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

[Bluebeard]

I was approached on the street the other day by some religious type. He asked me if I wanted to join the Church of Agnostics. I didn't know what to think...

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There was this dream I had once, where I found my self on the run from the law in some kind of abandoned wildlife museum. They ran me to ground between the Mythological Monsters Exhibit, and the Fish of the Seas display. Then I realised that I was caught between a Roc and a hard plaice...

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So, I'm hanging on for dear life at the edge of a cliff in the middle of nowhere - beneath me a drop of 300 metres and certain death. Unexpectedly, this couple arrives - so hick that I thought they might even be brother and sister. I ask them for help, but they seem to be ambivalent. Eventually they offer to help me up, but on one condition - that I satisfy them both sexually. From where I'm hanging, it looks like I'm f**ked both ways...

[KevB76]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber
replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to
open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his
door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and
left the shop. The next morning when the barber went
to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a
dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a
TD came in for a haircut. When he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not
accept money from you. I'm doing community service
this week.' The TD was very happy and left
the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to
open up, there were a dozen TDs lined up waiting
for a free haircut. And that, my friends,
illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[joeSoap]

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on e-bay? I put in a bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit and I'm now 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool FC....

[thischarmingman]

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on e-bay? I put in a bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit and I'm now 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool FC....

Tut tut tut* (http://foot.ie/forums/showpost.php?p=1191784&postcount=1604)















*says the man who stole it from another forum.

[Magicme]

Just got this by email and thought it was chucklesome.

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A:We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[Mr A]

I started writing poetry the other day:

POETR

That's coming along nicely.

[don ramo]

teacher asks a kid what the biggest word he knows,
kid says, masturbation,
teacher says, wow thats a mouth full,
kid says, no miss your thinking of a blow job:D

[Mr A]

Another of my own.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2524/4090210849_3f87c82691_o.jpg

[First]

Another of my own.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2524/4090210849_3f87c82691_o.jpg

Where's Kermit?. Have the limerick or Dublin muppets taken him out?

[gustavo]

Kermit's taken up a new hobby

http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb297/DJVinceDavinci/kermit.gif

[The Betting Man]

A Cavan couple visit the Doctor and ask him to watch them having sex to see if they have a problem.

Sexually curious and a little aroused he agrees to it. he watches them have sex tells them he can see no problem and charges them €50 for his fee.

They come back every week to the doctor for a month for the same reason and every time he tells them he can see no problem.

After a month (when the thrill has gone out of it for him) the doctor asks why they keep coming back to him even though he repeatedly tells them they have no problems sexually.

The man explains to him....

My wife will catch us if we go to my house.....

Her husband will catch us if we go to hers......

The cheapest B&B around is €70.......

We give you €50.........

And Quinn Health Care gives me €43 back!!!!

[gustavo]

So I organized a bukkake party last week.

It didn't go very well though

No-one came :(

[the 12 th man]

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."


One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee , Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.":D

[The Betting Man]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

[sligofan4ever]

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
very nice, but i think they misunderstood when i said i wanna watch!

[brendy_éire]

I saw on the news that Tiger Woods had been injured in a car crash this morning.

The police have said that the cause of the accident was a deflated tyre. Apparently he got a hole in one.

[strangeirish]

I saw on the news that Tiger Woods had been injured in a car crash this morning.

The police have said that the cause of the accident was a deflated tyre. Apparently he got a hole in one.
He hit a tree and ended up in the rough...Wonder if he'll be handicapped now:D

[sligofan4ever]

Florida police are refusing to rule out that Tiger Woods car accident was caused when he hit an Albatross.

[Pauro 76]

When someone famous dies or gets injured, these jokes are par for the course.

[strangeirish]

When someone famous dies or gets injured, these jokes are par for the course.
We have a fair way to go yet...

[De Town]

I always thought Tiger was a good driver myself.

[Bluebeard]

We have a fair way to go yet...

Lads, quit it. It's not right. It's starting to really tee me off.

[Pauro 76]

Looks like he may have played another birdie.

[strangeirish]

Looks like he may have played another birdie.

Did he Ryder?

[sligoman]

You're all so good with the puns...I'm green with envy.

[The Betting Man]

Will have to keep the "Fairway To Heaven" headline on hold

[Pauro 76]

Your puns are putting us in our place.

[Lev Yashin]

How do you know Santa Claus was a insert racial stereotype here??

Cause he only works one day a year and breaks into houses

[strangeirish]

http://i434.photobucket.com/albums/qq63/Strangeirish/eltigre.jpg:D:D

[strangeirish]

A man from Sligo was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized that
they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got
into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every
evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery
red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect
night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the
sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took
his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to
enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was Susan Boyle.

That evening, the man brought Susan to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
- perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the
urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Susan
and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Susan batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for
him.


He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'