Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[jinxy lilywhite]

I see Pippa Middleton has won the "Rear of The Year" competition.
I wish I could enter it

[jinxy lilywhite]

A golfer hits a sliced shot and the ball goes into the rough.
When he goes in looking for it, there is a leprechaun, on the ground beside his ball.
" l'm so sorry." The golfer said. " But that was my ball that hit you! "
" You got me fair and square! " Said the Leprechaun. " You can have three wishes."
The golfer replied," l don't want anything! l'm just glad that you are all right."
... As he walked away the Leprechaun thought to himself, " that fellow is a good one
l will give him the three wishes that l would like, Great golf, money and good sex."
One year later the same golfer hits another slice and the ball ends in the rough.
Up pops the little Leprechaun again. " That was me that caused the ball to go into
the rough, So.. Now tell me! Hows your golf? " " lt's great, l'm internationally famous now! " The little man nodded, " And how's your wealth? " The golfer laughed, " lt's
fantastic! l just reach into my pocket and out comes a £ 100 note that l didn't know l had! " The little man nodded again. " l fixed that for you as well! And your sex life! Hows that going? " The golfer blushed, " lt's not bad ." The little man said, " Not bad! l hope it's better than not bad! " The golfer blushed even more. " Well to be honest, it's once or maybe twice a week. " The Leprechaun looked shocked, " l don't
think that once or twice a week is good enough! l had hoped for more that that! "
The golfer said, " Well, you know...Once or even twice a week is not all that bad for a catholic priest in a very small parish!! "

[nigel-harps1954]

Really jinxy? Really?

[Eminence Grise]

Well, jinxy, you certainly play a better short game than Trainee...

[Real ale Madrid]

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting. Nearly put me off my sandwich.

[jinxy lilywhite]

awh jesus christ i never read trainees lol
apologies

[osarusan]

http://i.lolthis.com/lt/000/026/414/26414.jpg

[osarusan]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/539444_416974678331991_205344452828349_1503727_106 763908_n.jpg

[strangeirish]

Need an answer..? Doogle it!
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/579350_377000345675661_308099172565779_1023213_319 467375_n.jpg

[SkStu]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/525570_408908835810235_111400652227723_1283583_123 7311704_n.jpg

[strangeirish]

Greek Immigration Officer - "Name please ?"

- "Angela Merkel"

Greek Immigration Officer - "Occupation ?"

- "No, just here for a few days."

[bluemovie]

Robbie Keane said he was delighted to meet President Obama in the White House. He's supported him since he was a boy.

[SkStu]

http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/web05/2012/4/2/13/enhanced-buzz-12054-1333386790-26.jpg

[Mr A]

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right flipping idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

[nigel-harps1954]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/525968_3793936802797_1108471895_33503443_195645497 6_n.jpg

[nigel-harps1954]

I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called b*tches & hoes.

[jinxy lilywhite]

I met my girlfriend speed dating
we both had a lot of explaining to do

[SkStu]

http://www.ybig.ie/forum/uploads/3315/Sharing_ham.jpg

[Lev Yashin]

Saw a fella carrying a ladder the other day...you should have seen what he got up too.

[jinxy lilywhite]

Definition of Pressure:
a wife
a mistress
and a mortgage

all one month late

[jinxy lilywhite]

For a laugh with a few mates Chuck Norris peed into the petrol tank of a lorry. The lorry became known after that day Optimus Prime

[Real ale Madrid]

Man walks into a fishmongers with a large Salmon under his arm.

"Do you do fishcakes?" - ask's the man.

"We do yeah?" - replies the fishmonger.

"Well can you do one for this fella - he's 2 today".

[strangeirish]

The young Chinese swimming ace,Ye Shiwen, was asked if the she'd take a gender test following her two gold medals at the Olympics. "I will in me ballix", she replied!

[SkStu]

http://i1182.photobucket.com/albums/x451/BOHtox/murderguy.jpg

[jinxy lilywhite]

after seeing a photgraph of RVP and his wife, Ryan Giggs has vowed to treat him like a brother

[osarusan]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/office-worker.png

[SkStu]

Top Ten from Edinburgh Fringe ....

1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner

6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

8 ) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis

9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar

[the lobster]

not a joke but sill very funny. enjoy

https://www.facebook.com/sminkyanimation

[BonnieShels]

After watching all those shorts. Class...

But this one made me guffaw.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSO9D2WhTtY&feature=player_embedded

[BonnieShels]

This is a classic. Can't believe I've gone so long without seeing it again.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4ovvsUG-KY&feature=related

[BonnieShels]

This is priceless.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdIWKytq_q4&feature=share

[BonnieShels]

http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/9873937.jpg

[SkStu]

VCQjmCzNdbc

[Spudulika]

Is it bad that I kept giggling watching this clip?

[osarusan]

Is it bad that I kept giggling watching this clip?

I'm more than giggling - Stu, did you make it or just find it?

[osarusan]

Turns out there are dozens of these efforts on youtube, including a Hitler speech and the 9-11 Twin towers videos. Some aren't great, but basically I've been laughing my head off for the last 5 minutes.

[SkStu]

Friend posted it on Facebook. I spent a good 10 minutes just calving it! :D

[Real ale Madrid]

I must say the opening sequence of PTI on ESPN just made me laugh, they usually open the show with a gag:

Mike Wilbon : Tony – can you believe Apple have pre-sold over 2 million iPhone 5’s ????
Tony Kornheiser: Apple do phones ??????

[theworm2345]

I must say the opening sequence of PTI on ESPN just made me laugh, they usually open the show with a gag:

Mike Wilbon : Tony – can you believe Apple have pre-sold over 2 million iPhone 5’s ????
Tony Kornheiser: Apple does phones ??????
*ahem* this is America

[BonnieShels]

Is it wrong that it's only now I get this "Leave it Ouh!" phenomenon. First thing I clicked on though to be fair. i thought it was some Scouse thing on the face of it.

[nigel-harps1954]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JLglSByGGo&feature=related

I think this to be my favourite one of the whole lot.

[strangeirish]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/s480x480/227554_397237137012123_1111113571_n.jpg

[theworm2345]

http://www.demotix.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/l_crop_medium/1500-7/photos/1350134345-germany-hammer-rep-of-ireland--dublin_1518987.jpg

[the lobster]

I met Rolf Harris in Tesco the other day,

I said to him, “remember you did the 2 little boys back in the 70’s & 80’s”,

He turned to me and said, “ **** off, That wasn’t me, it was Jimmy Saville”.

[SkStu]

Came downstairs this morning and my wife had left a note on the fridge:

"It's just not working - I can't take it anymore - I'm leaving you"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was chilled. What the fck is she on about??!

[theworm2345]

http://i48.tinypic.com/27zygrs.png

[Real ale Madrid]

Tony Blackburn was invited to a pool party.

When he turned up he had Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter with him.

The host said to Blackburn:

“you deaf *******, I said bring a pair of speedos….”

[nigel-harps1954]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/3906_4344279958987_824931455_n.jpg


The term ROFL applies.

[SkStu]

http://i49.tinypic.com/5vw45t.jpg

[cornflakes]

Best website ever!!! (http://heyyeyaaeyaaaeyaeyaa.com/)