Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[hamish]

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer does not have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Since they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig, twice, for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck ..and one of them is honking the horn."


Jeez, Sligoman, you really thought me how to copy and paste. I highlighted the jokes I wanted and can now get it all here printed.

Magic, fcukin' magic. :D

[sligoman]

It's a joke site among other things Sligoman. Only for over 50s like me though. LOL :D
Some great jokes on it.
I've more on the way. :eek:No, I meant what the fcuk was www.******.com but now I've seen it's a banned word so now I know. Silly Hamish :rolleyes: :D

[hamish]

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies... I want bigger boobies.'" She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in her seat on the bus she said, "Scooby dooby doobies... I want bigger boobies."
The guy sitting beside asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock."......... LOL :D

Actually that reminds me of a similar joke I hear years ago.
There was a bloke who had a terrible wnaking problem. He went to the doctor who said, "Take one of these tablets every day and when you get the urge, grab your tool in your hand and shout "DIE" at it."
Sure enough, off home he went, sat down on the sofa, saw Cheryll Tweedy on the telly and got an instant hard on. He took the tablet, grabbed his micky and shouted "DIE" - immediately his schlong drooped.
He did this evry day for a month - 100% success.
Eventually , he got confident, decided to take no more tablets.
On his first non-tablet day, he was walking round Eyre Square and passed by a smashing looking bird. Sure enough, John Thomas reared his head. Yer man dashed into the public toilet, grabs his tool and shouts "DIE". Schlong still rock hard. He shouts "DIE" again. Still solid as a rock. He roars "DIE" again - no luck. One last time he shouts "Die". "DIE", "Die,diddley,eye,die,diddley,die,diddley eye............"

Think of Dervish/Planxty/Bothy Band etc when you read that last line. :D



Three guys were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 of the most beautiful women they have ever seen. They started getting friendly with a few of the women. One thing leads to another, and soon all three men have had sex with several of the women. Suddenly the Sheik enters the room.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way that corresponds to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Cop," said the first man." Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a grin, "I'm a Lollipop Salesman!"


George was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store and asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie Goes to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Ball' for 19.95, 'Barbie Goes Shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?," George asked surprised.
The Manager replies, "Well, 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

[hamish]

No, I meant what the fcuk was www.******.com but now I've seen it's a banned word so now I know. Silly Hamish

Actually, it's called Wnakers over 50 .com - it has a brilliant joke site called Lav Wall Humor where readers can send in their favourite jokes.

Sligoman, I've learnt today how to use the bold button thingamajig and all by myself too. LOL. :D
With all this copy/paste thingy you've coached me, look at the monster you've unleashed. LOL

[Green Tribe]

sorry, but it's starting to annoy me...... :o :D

it's not 'thought', it's 'taught' :rolleyes: :D

[strangeirish]

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!" :D :D :D

[strangeirish]

Smart arse

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one kid rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[hamish]

sorry, but it's starting to annoy me......

it's not 'thought', it's 'taught' :rolleyes: :D

eh?............who?............where?............. ..when?......... :confused: :confused:

[hamish]

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

:D :D :D

[hamish]

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and$1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.

[hamish]

A man is in bed with his wife when.... there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. Resignedly, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and looks questioningly at the man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened, and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter, and you had to knock on that man's door, and he got up in the middle of the night, in the rain, and came out to help us to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
Grumpily, our hero gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please!" Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing!"

[hamish]

a horse goes into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"


q. whats the difference between a women on her period and a mischievious midget?

a. One is a cunning runt!


Two nuns, one from New York and one from Texas, were given bad directions and ended up in a shady part of town. When they got out to ask for directions once again, they were chased into an alley and raped by two thugs. The nun from New York raised her hands to the sky and yelled, "Oh dear Lord, please forgive him. He doesn't know what he's doing."

The nun from Texas yelled over, "Mine sure does!"


A golf foursome was working its way slowly through 18 holes. According to all observers, the four golfers were obviously beginners, each making their own typical beginner's mistake.
The duffers were Monica Lewinsky, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. According to the other golfers in the groups stuck behind the duffers, the types of problems the beginners had were strangely appropriate: Monica was a hooker, O.J. had a vicious slice, Kennedy couldn't drive over water, and Clinton seemed to be confused about which hole he should be playing!

[sligoman]

Q. What has an IQ of 148?






A. 148 David Beckhams:p :D

[hamish]

Q. What has an IQ of 148?






A. 148 David Beckhams:p :D

or a 296 Sligo managers. LOL :p :D

[strangeirish]

A man is in bed with his wife when.... there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. Resignedly, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and looks questioningly at the man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened, and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter, and you had to knock on that man's door, and he got up in the middle of the night, in the rain, and came out to help us to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
Grumpily, our hero gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please!" Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing!"

I likes that one..... :D :D :D

[Green Tribe]

Doctors have claimed today that diaorrhea is hereditory. It tends to run in your jeans ........ :eek: :D :o

I'm going, I'm going................. :o

[sligoman]

or a 296 Sligo managers. LOL :p :DHa Ha, Hilarious :rolleyes:. The Athlone man made a joke, WOW! :rolleyes: :p

[hamish]

Doctors have claimed today that diaorrhea is hereditory. It tends to run in your jeans .......

I'm going, I'm going................. :o

I would have to come across this just as I'm swallowing a cup of tea. :eek:

KT - you're a menace. :D

[hamish]

Ha Ha, Hilarious :rolleyes:. The Athlone man made a joke, WOW!

Sorry Sligoman - couldn't resist it. Hope the LC results went well for ya - bext wishes man. :)

I'm not an Athlone man BTW - AT fan yes. :p :D

[hamish]

I likes that one..... :D :D :D

All those jokes were copied/pasted from that Wnakers over 50 website - some mighty jokes there. :D

[CollegeTillIDie]

Here's one inspired by KT's last effort....


What do you give an elephant with diarrhoea?























PLENTY OF ROOM! :D

[sligoman]

PLENTY OF ROOM! :D :D :D

[gustavo]

hi all

long time reader first time poster.

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
to enjoy together.


I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in Meeting up
and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if
I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than
when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise
to the challenge!!!


"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop
being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!



"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she
giggled...................


So I told her to f*ck off.

[Dyl10]

hi all

long time reader first time poster.

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
to enjoy together.


I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in Meeting up
and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if
I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than
when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise
to the challenge!!!


"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop
being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!



"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she
giggled...................


So I told her to f*ck off.

In a true mans style, I salute you :D

[ollie]

hi all

long time reader first time poster.

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
to enjoy together.


I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in Meeting up
and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if
I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than
when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise
to the challenge!!!


"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop
being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!



"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she
giggled...................


So I told her to f*ck off.

Class :D

[aido_b]

Heard this last week in Galway ....



What do you call a blonde with a brain?

A Golden Retriever! :D

[joeSoap]

A man walks in to a bar and calls a drink. He takes from his inside pocket, a genies lamp, which he rubs, closes his eyes,and makes a wish. When the smoke clears, theres little man, one foot tall, wearing a tuxedo on the counter beside him. The little fella then runs over and starts belting out tunes on the piano in the corner to everyones delight.

A rather loud obnoxious yank at the bar sees this and demands a go off the lamp.

"Sorry sir, but its not working properly" says the man.

"I don't give a damn what you say, I saw what you just did, now give it here" says the yank, who grabs the lamp and starts to rub it feverishly.

"I wish for...let me see, I'm broke.... I wish for one hundred bucks" !!!

A big puff of smoke comes and goes and to the yanks horror, theres one hundred ducks running wild all over the pub.

"God damnit, I asked for a hundred bucks, not a hundred ducks"

"Well", replied the man. "I told you it wasn't working. Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?? "

[Peadar]

HER DIARY:

Friday 19th August 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:

Friday 19th August 2005

City lost to Derry. Gutted. Got a shag though.

[CollegeTillIDie]

HER DIARY:

Friday 19th August 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:

Friday 19th August 2005

City lost to Derry. Gutted. Got a shag though.

Classic :D

[CollegeTillIDie]

Ok what do you get if you cross a Rottweiler with a Golden Labrador?





















A dog that scares the sh*t out of you and then runs away with your toilet paper :D

[Fair_play_boy]

There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who know binary and those who don't.

[sligoman]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp.

They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie.

He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.

The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring.

I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went.

Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went.

The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'

[sligoman]

Q. Why can't you get a cup of tea at Highbury?

A. Because all the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Stamford Bridge. :o

[M@ttitude]

Mick and paddy, two friends, middle aged, no jobs... decide that they should start a farm, so off they went and bought 2 pigs, one each to see how it goes. They brought them home but Mick says to Paddy "how are we going to know which one is mine and which one is yours?", "Well, says mick, thats a good question, I suppose i could cut my ones tail off so mine will be the one with no tail", Paddy agrees that thats a great idea and off they go to bed looking forward to the next day of farming. Next morning Mick hears Paddy roaring in the back yard, "Your fecking pig bit off my pigs tail, now we cant tell the difference again!", Mick runs down and decides to cut off his pigs ear but the next morning the same story the other pig bit off the ear, this carried on for the rest of the week until both pigs had no tail, no ears, all butchered up and bleeding and Paddy sighs and says to Mick
>









"Sure Ill take the pink one and you take the black one"

[CollegeTillIDie]

Mick and paddy, two friends, middle aged, no jobs... decide that they should start a farm, so off they went and bought 2 pigs, one each to see how it goes. They brought them home but Mick says to Paddy "how are we going to know which one is mine and which one is yours?", "Well, says mick, thats a good question, I suppose i could cut my ones tail off so mine will be the one with no tail", Paddy agrees that thats a great idea and off they go to bed looking forward to the next day of farming. Next morning Mick hears Paddy roaring in the back yard, "Your fecking pig bit off my pigs tail, now we cant tell the difference again!", Mick runs down and decides to cut off his pigs ear but the next morning the same story the other pig bit off the ear, this carried on for the rest of the week until both pigs had no tail, no ears, all butchered up and bleeding and Paddy sighs and says to Mick
>









"Sure Ill take the pink one and you take the black one"
You shouldn't mock the afflicted... colour blindness is a problem :D

[TheOwl]

America having been dropping dozens of bombs on Iraq recently with little effect, so they are now going to up the ante and drop hundreds and thousands instead!

They are calling it Operation Dessert Storm

[Aldini98]

What do you call a man with no shins ?

Tony.

[superfrank]

Three old lads are in a pub when a girl walks past in the nip.

The first one has a stroke.

The second has a stroke.

The third ones arm is too short.;)

[strangeirish]

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil
Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.

His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step For
Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard By
Millions.

But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.

Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.

On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay, Florida, While Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.

Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.

In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Midwest Town, He Was Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard.

His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By The Bedroom Windows.

His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.

As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky.

"sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!" :d

[Sliogán Dóite]

By the way, that isn't a true story....




What's E.T. stand for?




'Cos there's no seats left. :D

[strangeirish]

By the way, that isn't a true story....

So, a man didn't land on the moon ?...........:D

[Gerrit]

> A ventriloquist visiting Donegal walks into a small village and sees a
> local sitting in his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little
> fun, so he says to the Donegal man "Can I talk to your dog?"
> Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
> Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
> Dog: "Doing all right."
> Villager: (look of extreme shock)
> Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
> Dog: "Yep"
> Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
> Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
> to the lake once a week to play."
> Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
> Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
> Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
> Horse: "Cool"
> Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
> Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
> Horse: "Yep"
> Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
> Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
> down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
> Villager: (total look of amazement)

> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
> Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a ****ing liar!"

:D

[Superhoops]

How can you make a duck into a soul singer?

Boil it until its bill withers!


Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, a lovely daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay ;)

[Thunderblaster]

I have to tell you this one. I was delivering shopping the other day for a lady and I called to the house. I went in and left the shopping in the kitchen. I asked her "where was the dog?". Next thing, I heard some "ruff,ruff,ruff" out the back and she turned around and said the dog answered your question. Both of us started laughing. It was absolutely hillarious.:D

[strangeirish]

Sean Connery was interviewd by Michael Parkinson,
and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,
he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla said,
"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks
they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate
sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says,
"If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour,
and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping,
hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even
better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.
You'll have to.......

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again.
No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely
mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in
the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with
a scouser, she stole ma wallet !".

[aido_b]

heard a classic last night,

what did the 11 say to the 10?
who's the fat chick!

another one, what goes hahahahahahahabonk
someone laughing their heads off!

im sorry!:D

[strangeirish]

heard a classic last night,

what did the 11 say to the 10?
who's the fat chick!

another one, what goes hahahahahahahabonk
someone laughing their heads off!

im sorry!:D

Taxi for aido b. As a matter of fact get a lorry:D

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

[Aldini98]

I have to tell you this one. I was delivering shopping the other day for a lady and I called to the house. I went in and left the shopping in the kitchen. I asked her "where was the dog?". Next thing, I heard some "ruff,ruff,ruff" out the back and she turned around and said the dog answered your question. Both of us started laughing. It was absolutely hillarious.:D

I think you had to be there........ :rolleyes:

[dahamsta]

A man goes to the zoo, but when he arrives there is only a dog on display.

It was a Shítzu.

[paul_oshea]

whats the definition of suspicion???










nuns doing squats in a cucumber field!! :D