Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Deckydee]

The creator of Mcafee is wanted for murder.

The trial should last 30 days

Ho!

[pineapple stu]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicirishnew.png

[SkStu]

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A megasorarse.

(sorry :D )

[Lev Yashin]

I just found out I'm Colourblind....... It's come completely out of the Green!

[nigel-harps1954]

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


That is all.

[BonnieShels]

Nigel... OUT!

[SkStu]

A baby in the intensive care unit was playing with a toy donkey,
ICU baby shakin that ass

[nigel-harps1954]

Turbo-puns.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

[Terry]

best prank I have ever seen.......if it happened to me I would be up for manslaughter I reckon !

http://www.joe.ie/joe-life/life-features/video-the-most-terrifying-prank-we-have-ever-seen-0030911-1

[Spudulika]

best prank I have ever seen.......if it happened to me I would be up for manslaughter I reckon !

http://www.joe.ie/joe-life/life-features/video-the-most-terrifying-prank-we-have-ever-seen-0030911-1

Very good, but thinking about being in a dodgy lift gives me flashbacks to when I was genuinely terrified of them, lifts. Blame Omen II and a wiggling spinal cord.

I don't know if this would work so well in Ireland, there'd be a shock at first, then a laugh, and then a Mammy trying to help the little one.

[cornflakes]

http://i.imgur.com/6pfy7.jpg

[SkStu]

That's class!

[cornflakes]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/Zeb_Carter/r%20dump%2027/103-Jesus-and-a-dog.jpg

[Dermotron]

I just bet on three horses called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times, and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

[Dermotron]

Thieves have stolen 20 cases of red bull from our local shop.

I don't know how these people sleep at night.

[nigel-harps1954]

Not really for the faint hearted. Not meant to cause offence either, but I thought this was good.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/401277_526773514002278_1280567120_n.jpg

[cornflakes]

http://images.inquisitr.com/wp-content/2010/12/maury-christmas.jpg

[Real ale Madrid]

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily I escaped with just some Super Fish oil injuries......

[jinxy lilywhite]

Kate Middleton has acute morning sickness..

Pippa Middleton has an acute arse.

[theworm2345]

Chelsea have signed Wallace for an undisclosed fee. Not to be outdone, Manchester City are reported to be in talks to sign Gromit.

http://sunshinetaxillc.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/taxi.9485942.jpg

[jinxy lilywhite]

I just clicked on a link on the internet 'XXX bald **** action' ....

the last thing I expected was Michael noonan

[SkStu]

https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/12/1/vRp2k51WEEmUfAd4ZiUAOQ2.jpg

[pineapple stu]

Weather forecast for the week.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/483624_10151318726645155_381273780_n.jpg

[SkStu]

http://i.imgur.com/Oj8Eb.jpg?1

[SkStu]

Imreoirí na Gaeilge

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/303791_211699988965693_114114378_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/64043_211644562304569_1542370504_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/528286_211611732307852_1867561070_n.jpg

[SkStu]

Nios mo...


https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/556938_211400402328985_1897621843_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/196496_211341122334913_1415000091_n.jpg

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/380347_211299365672422_431110743_n.jpg

[SkStu]

Nios mo...

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/16111_211106749025017_1746788376_n.jpg
https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/523866_211045879031104_724202278_n.jpg
https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/199559_210945799041112_1203576649_n.jpg

[nigel-harps1954]

I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

[the 12 th man]

http://i.imgur.com/Oj8Eb.jpg?1



It'd be great if he got Katy Taylor in his opening contest.

[padjoe]

Where does Father Christmas go to recover after Christmas?
An elf farm.

2. What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.

3. What do you call two happy mushrooms?
Fun guys.

4. What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
He got 25 days.

5. What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack.

6. What do you give a dog for Christmas?
A mobile bone.

7. What’s brown and creeps around the house?
Mince spies.

8. What do witches use to wrap their presents?
Spello-tape.

9. What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew chew train.

10. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with.

[padjoe]

What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean

What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut

What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!

What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell

What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.

Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer

Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews

What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.

What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.

What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.

What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.

Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.

What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.

[padjoe]

What vegetable needs a plumber? - a leek

Why have gorrillas got big nostrels?
Because they've got big fingers.

why does an elephant have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom!

What goes Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards

what's harder that getting two pregnanat elephants in a mini? Getting two elephants pregnant in a mini

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl

I bought Heather Mills a new false leg for Christmas. It's not her main present just a stocking filler.

[pineapple stu]

http://www.wired.com/geekdad/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/16-greedo-660x660.jpg
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-2E4RZbeY2FU/UCUf1P-vB6I/AAAAAAAAFkU/dkYLIpFPjyM/w497-h373/Luke%252C%2Bcome%2Bwith%2Bme.jpg

A couple of my favourite comics from Darth Vader and Son (http://www.amazon.com/Darth-Vader-Star-Wars-Chronicle/dp/145210655X) by Jeffrey Brown. Great fun for any Star Wars fan and/or parent.

[SkStu]

The Ten Best Puns of the Second Millennium

As chosen by Richard Lederer



Number Ten

A good pun is like a good steak; a rare medium well done.

Number Nine

An old Texas rancher is drawing up his will so that he might provide for his three boys when he passes away. He decides to divide his land up evenly among them.
His wife suggests that he name the place The Focus Ranch.
"Why Should I do that, my love?"
"Because it is where the sons raise meat."

Number Eight

Back in the 1930's, William Lyon Phelps of Yale found the following sentence gleaming out of the pages of a freshman essay: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom."
In the margin of the paper, Professor Phelps commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has merely slipped."

Number Seven

Rudolph, a dedicated Russian Communist and important rocket scientist, is about to launch a large satellite. His wife, a fellow scientist at the base with a background in meteorology, urges Rudolph to postpone the launch because, she asserts, a hard rain will soon fall.
Their collegial disagreement soon escalates into a furious argument that Rudolph closes by shouting, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Number Six

One frog croaks to the other, "Time's fun when you're having flies!"

Number Five

Two ropes walk into an old western saloon. The first rope goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"We don't serve ropes in this saloon," sneers the bartender, who picks up the rope, whirls him around over his head, and tosses him out into the street.
"Uh, oh. I'd better disguise myself," thinks the second rope. He ruffles up his ends to make himself look bigger and twists himself into a circle. Then he too sidles up to the bar.
"Hmmmmm. Are you one of them ropes?" snarls the bartender.
"No. I'm a frayed knot."

Number Four

Mahatma Gandhi never wore anything on his feet, and he ate so little that he developed delicate health and bad breath. The result was a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Number Three

Roy Rogers goes bathing in a creek. Along comes a cougar and begins nibbling on one of Roy's brand-new boots, sitting by the edge of the creek.
Dale Evans enters the scene and fires her trusty rifle in the air, chasing away the cougar.
She turns to her husband and asks, "Pardon me, Roy. Was that the cat that chewed your new shoe?"

Number Two

Better watch out, or my karma will run over your dogma.

Number One

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
- Dorothy Parker

[SkStu]

I was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside me. So I leaned over and said:

"You remind me of my little toe."

She replied, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"

I said, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."

[SkStu]

I was fingering an ugly bird at a party and was rather drunk I stopped and said, "I don't suppose you have a bag do you? I'm feeling sick."

"Why don't you use the toilet?" she asked.

"Thanks," I replied, "but I wouldn't feel right ****ing you with a toilet on your head."

[OwlsFan]

Jonathan Ross has been arrested for stealing a cooking utensil from Tesco. When questioned by police, he said it was a whisk he had to take.

[OwlsFan]

Three people taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers are reported to be in a stable condition.

[pineapple stu]

I hear they had a dose of the trots.

[Magicme]

Three people taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers are reported to be in a stable condition.

My sister-in-law's mate who is a nurse was telling us that she was working the day the burger scandal broke and one of the Docs came to her and said that someone was in really sick from eating the burger and she was getting all annoyed and worried until he said, "its ok he is in a stable condition". She nearly killed him!

[theworm2345]

I think this is starting to belong here, but its not really funny

http://foot.ie/forums/24-Ireland

[Real ale Madrid]

My sister-in-law's mate who is a nurse was telling us that she was working the day the burger scandal broke and one of the Docs came to her and said that someone was in really sick from eating the burger and she was getting all annoyed and worried until he said, "its ok he is in a stable condition". She nearly killed him!

Bit harsh - its not THAT bad a joke.

[nigel-harps1954]

Bit harsh - its not THAT bad a joke.

Ah now!

[SkStu]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Ireland so that they can see their own doctor.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

[cornflakes]

http://i56.tinypic.com/2wecv4l.jpg
http://i56.tinypic.com/il9c91.jpg

[Lev Yashin]

Give your lawn some whiskey...it'll come up half cut

I have a great joke about a roof...but I think it'd just go over your head.

[jinxy lilywhite]

Richard III holds the record for staying in a car park the longest. Second place goes to Peter Odemwingie.

[Cuyahoga]

Allegedly Trappatoni agreed to match fix Ireland's 3 group games at last summer's Euros in Poland. The agreement was that Ireland would lose all 3 matches. Trap's team talk to the team was ' Play your normal game lads '.

[Dermotron]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise,
Oscar Pistorius

[the 12 th man]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise,
Oscar Pistorius

Should that not be Oscar Pistolius?...