Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Deckydee]

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future


They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona

[magicman]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"


Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some b*stard's sent me a magnifying glass


Under new E.U. law the word "kn*cker" is no longer politically correct.
They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N..T.S. for short.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.

[SkStu]

http://chztdwtease.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/0695a404-5d28-4d99-bde5-6e42ffcbfd2b.jpg

[SkStu]

The grim reaper payed a visit to the house last night,
I had to beat him away with a vacuum cleaner,
Talk about dyson with death

[SkStu]

My new party trick......I swallow two pieces of string, and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together.

Seriously,...........i sh1t you knot!!

[BonnieShels]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death


The grim reaper payed a visit to the house last night,
I had to beat him away with a vacuum cleaner,
Talk about dyson with death

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

[SkStu]

oh.... my bad.... i simply thought MagicMan had given the grim reaper a hand job...

[BonnieShels]

Well it wasn't a blow job. Don't think Dyson's gave that as an option.

[Deckydee]

Ha Ha!

[Deckydee]

1828

Indeed

[SkStu]

http://i984.photobucket.com/albums/ae325/Mike90215/Countdown13.jpg

[SkStu]

Bipolar.com seems to be down.

Oh, no sorry, it's back up again.

[magicman]

Considering the year that's in it.......

1832

[magicman]

THE TAX MAN

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
Loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he
could come in here and **** all over an IRS official's desk and that
you'd be happy about it.

[magicman]

Words Women Use
FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

[strangeirish]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[the 12 th man]

Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony Worrall, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?
"Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over".

[jinxy lilywhite]

What's red and white and gets ****ed by swans?

Arsenal

[strangeirish]

Went to a mate's wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me
"Jaysus, that bride is fierce ugly".

"Do you mind!? That's MY DAUGHTER you're talking about!".

"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father".

"I'm not. I'm her mother!"...Oops

[SkStu]

Why was the tumble dryer laughing? Because the washing machine was taking the p!ss out the knickers.

[SkStu]

I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – €1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

[SkStu]

Glass coffins - will they catch on???

Remains to be seen...

[jinxy lilywhite]

got a call from my electric company to tell me that my bill was outstanding
I said thanks

[Spudulika]

Some avid watchers of RTE we have here.

Putin is tossing and turning and worrying, then appearing to him in a vision is good old Stalin. He says - Joe, what the hell can I do about the country. The people are carrying on something rotten. Stalin thinks about it, sits down and looks Vlad in the eye. Listen kiddo, you only have to do 2 things. First, round up all the so called democrats and shoot them. Second you paint the walls of the Kremlin blue. Putin shakes his head in confusion - Why do I paint the Kremlin walls blue? Stalin laughs, See, I knew you'd ask about that. (this is the "funniest" joke in Russia at the moment).

[BonnieShels]

That is pretty funny though.

[SkStu]

Putin is tossing and turning and worrying, then appearing to him in a vision is good old Stalin. He says - Joe, what the hell can I do about the country. The people are carrying on something rotten. Stalin thinks about it, sits down and looks Vlad in the eye. Listen kiddo, you only have to do 2 things. First, round up all the so called democrats and shoot them. Second you paint the walls of the Kremlin blue. Putin shakes his head in confusion - Why do I paint the Kremlin walls blue? Stalin laughs, See, I knew you'd ask about that. (this is the "funniest" joke in Russia at the moment).

thats flippin great!

[jinxy lilywhite]

Arshavin: The Worst Russian sub since the Kursk

[Real ale Madrid]

Just watched the film “127 hours” backwards.

It’s a heart-warming tale about a one armed man who finds a new limb in a canyon.

[SkStu]

Barack Obama has announced that the US Defence Budget will be slashed down to $660bn for next year.

This means that they will no longer have the biggest Defence budget.

They'll now be second ........

Behind Manchester City !

[Deckydee]

1845

//////

[Trainee]

Valentines Day.
Dinner: £70
Drinks: £50
Taxi: £20
Hotel Room: £300

The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period: PRICELESS

[tetsujin1979]

Some avid watchers of RTE we have here.

Putin is tossing and turning and worrying, then appearing to him in a vision is good old Stalin. He says - Joe, what the hell can I do about the country. The people are carrying on something rotten. Stalin thinks about it, sits down and looks Vlad in the eye. Listen kiddo, you only have to do 2 things. First, round up all the so called democrats and shoot them. Second you paint the walls of the Kremlin blue. Putin shakes his head in confusion - Why do I paint the Kremlin walls blue? Stalin laughs, See, I knew you'd ask about that. (this is the "funniest" joke in Russia at the moment).
Similar to this joke from Spike Milligan when was on the Late Late Show one night
So he walked on, sat down and slammed his fists on the desk
"gay!! it's terrible!! nobody cares about the jews anymore!!!!!"
"excuse me?"
"no it's true, no one cares about the jews anymore!"
"spike, what are you talking about"
"listen to me, man. the nazis have come back to power and they've released their intentions! they want to kill 10,000,000 jews and 33 irish postmen!!!"
"why the 33 irish postmen????"
"YOU SEE!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE JEWS ANYMORE"

[jinxy lilywhite]

As I sat in my armchair I shouted to the wife ! .... "wAs I sat in my armchair I shouted to the wife ! .... "when I die, im going to leave everything to you dear"...she shouts back, "you already do you lazy *******"

[jinxy lilywhite]

I always remember my history teacher at school calling me a ****ing stupid **** in front of the whole class......

He made me feel just like General Custer at the Battle of Sterlingrad in 1972

[SkStu]

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the* **WORK POO* is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a* **FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the* **WALK OF SHAME.*

*WALK OF SHAME* -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the* **COURTESY FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER* -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify **SAFE HAVENS.**

*SAFE HAVENS* -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an* **ASTAIRE*.

*ASTAIRE* -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

*WATERMELON* -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANAOMELET* -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

*UNCLE TED* -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

[SkStu]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/425736_2284776219056_1838407156_1425219_406752555_ n.jpg

[Paddyfield]

Fabio Capello's resignation is the second time in less than a month that an Italian has jumped ship.

[the 12 th man]

I won a radio phone in competition today and the prize was either 50 Euro cash or 2 tickets for a local Elvis Presley tribute act gig,I didn't know whether to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show....

[jinxy lilywhite]

Definition of pressure:

A wife, a mistress and a mortgage.

All one month late……

[Stevo Da Gull]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/426594_10150668980535883_782850907_n.jpg

[SkStu]

What's six inches long and wont be getting sucked on Valentines day?

Whitney Houstons crack pipe!

[nigel-harps1954]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s720x720/427975_10150576620042737_701322736_9277656_1356810 271_n.jpg

[SkStu]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
...
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!'

[BonnieShels]

What's six inches long and wont be getting sucked on Valentines day?

Whitney Houstons crack pipe!

Apparently police have found a note from Whitney Houston. It's 38 seconds long and spans 5 octaves.

[BonnieShels]

Chuck Norris died earlier on today... but he's okay now.

[SkStu]

Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...


MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.
You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f *cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about f*ck knows what!

[SkStu]

Why did the Tibetan monk set himself on fire?

To get to the other side.

[Real ale Madrid]

I'll bet Rick Astley hate's lent.

[Trainee]

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing
and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up
and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into
the woods on the side of the fairway. He
goes looking for his ball and comes across
this little guy with this huge knot on his
head, and the golf ball lying right beside
him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to
revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking,
the little guy says, "Well, you caught me
fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I
will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you,
I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,"
and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun
says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he
did catch me, so I have to do something for
him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money,
a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in
jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at
the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off
looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy
and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I
ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under
par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And
might I ask how your money
is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention
it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred dollar bill."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that
for you, too. And might I ask how your sex
life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and
says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once
or twice a week? Is that all?!"

The golfer looks at him and says, "Well,
that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish

[SkStu]

Teehee

http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6737355/how-not-to-remove-your-timeline