View Full Version : Jokes (READ FIRST POST)
Stevo Da Gull
16/09/2011, 12:09 AM
I had to dump my cross-eyed girlfriend. She was seeing someone else.
BonnieShels
16/09/2011, 8:02 AM
I had to dump my cross-eyed girlfriend. She was seeing someone else.
Now the way is open to nail your crush.
I mean...
Stevo Da Gull
16/09/2011, 9:38 AM
Now the way is open to nail your crush.
I mean...
Nail her? Time for a lesson in etiquette :cool:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtoyLPROLZI
SkStu
18/09/2011, 11:35 PM
http://wordsyoudontknow.com/wp-content/gallery/article-pix/pd009WhyMen.gif
nigel-harps1954
20/09/2011, 11:13 PM
http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/monday-randomness-35.jpg
Magicme
23/09/2011, 2:36 PM
I was in my local Indian restaurant when I heard about REM splitting up. I was so upset I fainted.
That's me in the korma......
Seagull
23/09/2011, 5:14 PM
How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
nigel-harps1954
26/09/2011, 4:58 PM
How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
Doughnuts are my own particular vice.
the 12 th man
27/09/2011, 11:46 AM
Guy goes into his doctor and says "Doctor you've got to help me,I spend all my time online and even worse I'm addicted to twitter"
Doctor says "I'm sorry I don't follow you".
strangeirish
27/09/2011, 6:09 PM
A Dublin lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time. He says, "This is Amanda." His dad jumps up. "It's a ****ing wha?"
BonnieShels
27/09/2011, 6:40 PM
A Dublin lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time. He says, "This is Amanda." His dad jumps up. "It's a ****ing wha?"
Excellent
osarusan
28/09/2011, 12:29 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/293119_10150290582333813_678418812_7944800_1538900 158_n.jpg
nigel-harps1954
30/09/2011, 6:19 PM
I took my duck to the Vet.
The Vet said, “Your duck is dead.” I said, "Are you sure?" He said "Yes."
“How can you be sure you've done no tests” I asked.
So then the Vet brings in a Labrador dog, which sniffs the duck and shakes its head.
Next, a cat comes in and sniffs my duck and shakes its head.
... The Vet turns to me and says, “Sorry, but as I said your duck is dead.” Then hands me the bill.
"€820! to tell me my duck is dead!"
The Vet says, “Well, if you had taken my word for it the bill would be €20 but Lab Reports and Cat Scans cost extra!
Ba-dum-tish.
BonnieShels
30/09/2011, 7:08 PM
Out!
Ooooouuuuuuttttt!
strangeirish
01/10/2011, 1:16 AM
A friend of mine just broke up with his cross-eyed girlfriend...Apparently, she was seeing someone on the side...
Lev Yashin
01/10/2011, 9:48 AM
It's the first of October, will someone wake up yer man from Green Day?
http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/311257_10150819789635343_693375342_20907383_114164 4953_n.jpg
thischarmingman
01/10/2011, 8:29 PM
Is it wrong the last 2 made me lol?
strangeirish
01/10/2011, 9:07 PM
Is it wrong the last 2 made me lol?
Sey ti si!
jinxy lilywhite
01/10/2011, 9:34 PM
Finglas Vasectomy:
After having their 11th child, a Finglas couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.
... The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem, but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light
it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Finglas Man said to the doctor 'I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me'
'Trust me, it will do the job' said the doctor..
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5', at which point he
paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so that he could continue
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Clondalkin, Ballymun, Coolock, Darndale, and
anywhere in the Tallaght area
A Good Golf Story ,,,,,, Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around
... in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know
I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken
America was once the place of Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs, now it has no Hope no Cash and no Jobs.
horton
11/10/2011, 10:21 PM
What's the difference between Martin McGuinness and Dana? Nobody can remember any of Dana's hits!
http://i27.lulzimg.com/e2465ca65e.jpg
http://i56.tinypic.com/21ltoad.jpg
Your typical Junior B line up
Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.
Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday
morning.
Full back - First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is
a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.
Left corner back - Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.
Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game".
Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at agm and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.
Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.
midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match ****-up.
midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats
five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.
Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying ****** in national school".
Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not A.I. in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.
Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is
basically the team's only source of points.
Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played football since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.
Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "he's a good man to bust up the
play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.
Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.
theworm2345
18/10/2011, 2:26 AM
America was once the place of Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs, now it has no Hope no Cash and no Jobs.
http://img683.imageshack.us/img683/4810/29664710150426037737845.jpg
strangeirish
18/10/2011, 2:08 PM
The lead actor in the Aladdin pantomime was sexually abused from behind last night.
To be fair, the audience did try to warn him...
heres hoping we make it past Estonia although if we qualify theres a fair chance we'd get Spain, Italy and Greece in the groups - the group of debt!
:poo: :soldier:
jinxy lilywhite
20/10/2011, 8:18 PM
Finally, after decades of torture and oppression, one of the world's most disgusting and horrifying regimes has come to an end. The people of the world can once again sleep soundly in their beds.
Westlife have split up!!
http://oi55.tinypic.com/2llk684.jpg
http://www.thatsnerdalicious.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/wookie-steak-e1301913608586-590x370.jpg
nigel-harps1954
26/10/2011, 10:57 PM
1798
Had a right LOL at this.
jinxy lilywhite
30/10/2011, 5:29 PM
My friend invited me to a 'Halloween Fright Night' at a gay bar....
He said "It's guaranteed to put the willies up you
Two aerials got married the other week. The ceremony was awful, but the reception was brilliant.
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
Real ale Madrid
03/11/2011, 5:17 PM
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.
"DIG" says the voice.
The man looks around, a little confused.
"DIG" Booms the voice again.
The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts:
"OPEN"
He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again:
"CASINO"
What the Hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the Casino doos when he hears the voice again shout:
"ROULETTE!"
He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions:
"16 BLACK" the voice says.
So the man puts all the golden coins on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.
"CRAAAP!" shouts the voice......
Knock knock
who's there?
control freak... Now you say "control freak who?"
Police suspect foul play in the death of Joe Frazier.They're currently grilling George Foreman.
strangeirish
20/11/2011, 2:45 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/311958_183622425058990_167236336697599_374129_1413 538572_n.jpg
http://i44.tinypic.com/291p2wy.jpg
nigel-harps1954
23/11/2011, 11:11 AM
Wanna hear a joke about Sodium? Na
Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? K
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium
What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar? OH SNaP!
What did one ion say to the other? I've got my ion you.
..I like making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
nigel-harps1954
23/11/2011, 2:26 PM
Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank ...agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town InGreece.The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatialmansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built".
The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.When he asked, how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied; "No."
Deckydee
29/11/2011, 1:55 PM
Just watched a film about Jack the Ripper.
It wasn't the light-hearted fart comedy I'd expected.
osarusan
01/12/2011, 4:37 AM
Two Arkansas hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Bubba and Bobby Joe survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Bubba asked Bobby Joe, "Any idea where we are?"
Bobby Joe replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
strangeirish
01/12/2011, 2:34 PM
Driving to work this morning and this dick pulls out in front of me...
http://susiebright.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/snowphallus.jpg
pineapple stu
04/12/2011, 6:13 PM
Doing the rounds at the moment - the designs for the new currency. Don't miss the detail...
http://files.broadsheet.ie/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/461491939.jpg
osarusan
08/12/2011, 2:00 PM
conjunctivitis.com
It's a site for sore eyes.
Real ale Madrid
08/12/2011, 8:23 PM
This made me laugh this morning....
1812
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