Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Real ale Madrid]

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs be sticking it up her @rsé. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

[Deckydee]

"Americans insist Osama's burial at sea is a Muslim tradition."

5 Minutes later.

"Americans admit to confusing Muslims with Vikings"



Not sure what's worse for Osama: the fact he got found and killed, or that he now has to explain to a bunch of suicide bombers where their virgins are.

[DeLorean]

The Queen has cancelled her visit to Cork!

Apparently Prince William was stuck in Middleton for 3 hours on Tuesday night...

[SkStu]

I just saw a fat female singer with a laptop.

I think it was a dell.

[DeLorean]

BBC NEWS: Bad drivers to face £100 fines.


....seems a bit sexist.

[Trainee]

Breaking News: The Queen has crashed into a sycamore tree in the Phoenix Park.

The IRA have confirmed that they planted it!

[Mr A]

http://yaflamingalah.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/easter-card_1.jpg

[Deckydee]

I used to work in the circus, they called me the 'Human Cannonball.'

It was such a great job...until I got fired.



BBC NEWS: Queen visits horsebreeding centre.

Did she walk in on Charles and Camilla going at it?



This cat went into Budget Travel one time and they said, where do you want to go. He said take me to the canaries



My dad never loved me as a child.

I can't blame him really.

I wasn't born til he was older



Patient: Doctor I think Im addicted to Twitter

Doctor: Im sorry I dont follow you

[SkStu]

http://blog.gnurl.net/clinchwood/files/2011/05/curb.jpg

[cornflakes]

http://blog.gnurl.net/clinchwood/files/2011/05/curb.jpg


God bless America

[strangeirish]

God bless America

http://chronicle.augusta.com/news/crime-courts/2010-11-26/shoplifting-suspect-stabs-marine

http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/stabbedmarine.asp

I know, I know, it's in the jokes forum.

[Spudulika]

Sounds like something that happens in a Garda station.

[SkStu]

http://i.imgur.com/snwSv.jpg

[strangeirish]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/250405_10150318655119698_788224697_9861422_5127084 _n.jpg

Echoing his predecessor, Obama declared, "You're either for us, or you're a Guinness".

[Mr A]

http://classicfun.ws/wp-content/uploads/kim-jong-il-kim-jong-ok.jpg

[SkStu]

It's just been announced that Ryan Giggs' wife will get half of everything when she divorces him.

That will give her 6 more premier league medals than Steven Gerrard.

[KevB76]

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that even though he's happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally.

[strangeirish]

Dirk Kuyt is the latest footballer linked to another super injunction. Apparently, the bird he was with doesn't want to be named.

[Real ale Madrid]

Apparently someone has unfurled a MUFC 19 times banner at Old Trafford in recognition of how many touches the united players had tonight.

[pineapple stu]

Giggs spent millions looking for anonymity; turns out all he had to do was head to Wembley.

[DeLorean]

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker

...well she's not actually my girlfriend, yet

[DeLorean]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Drums.

[Deckydee]

What's the difference between Sepp Blatter and Colonel Gadaffi?

Ones an old, deluded dictator of an out of date regime who rigs elections with his gang of brain washed followers, the other one's got Oil!

[3 Heroes]

Getting worried - some sites are on about an Irish striking partnership tonight of Long Cox, but can you imagine if it's Long Cox and Keane, Ashley Cole and Sol will be salivating

[the 12 th man]

What is the first sign of madness?



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When you look out your window and see Suggs walking in your front gate.

[SkStu]

My wife was just starting to moan about my obsession with Ross Kemp.

I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there

[Deckydee]

I phoned OK magazine but, when they answered, they said, "Hello."

So I hung up. I must have got the wrong number.



I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more.

They're too complicated for women.

[strangeirish]

A blonde just texted me and asked "what does idk stand for? " I said " i dont know" she said "Omg! nobody does!"

[SkStu]

http://www.lakecityquietpills.com/photo/multihost/images/26647195328419055317.jpg

[the 12 th man]

My wife stormed into the house today and said she was leaving me because of my lifelong obsession with the 60's pop group The Monkees,I thought she was only messing with me and would never leave me but Then I Saw Her Face and now I'm a believer.

[strangeirish]

Bought my son an iPad, and my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone, and I got her an iRon.... She wasn't exactly overjoyed even after I explained it can be intergrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function.

[the 12 th man]

strangeirish that reminds me Apple were going to bring out a handset for children but changed their minds when the Marketing Dept named it "I Touch-Kids".

[Deckydee]

Alex McLeish quit over transfers. Carson Yeung said to him "Wa yu wan faw playas in suma Awex?" ,

McLeish replied "6 defenders".

Yeung came back with Marlon King.

"I said 6 defenders, not sex offenders".

[Mr A]

http://i.imgur.com/8qOVI.jpg

[SkStu]

a lot of effort for an average joke but it gets my thanks anyway!

[Closed Account 2]

Some of my friends saw an old fella racing away from town today on his tractor, saying the world was going to end

They said it was Farmer Gedden.

__________________


There is a lot of fuss over here in the UK with the Labour Party leadership and talk of the merits of the Millibands.

You have to feel sorry for Steve, he might be the forgotton brother but I havent seen Ed or David write a song like Abracadabra yet.


________________


I was driving home the other night from a meal out, the police pulled me over and said,

"Sir are you aware your wife fell out of the car at the lights 3 miles back up the road?"

I said, "Thank god for that, I thought I was going deaf"

[SkStu]

http://img807.imageshack.us/img807/5629/june2011002.jpg

[Deckydee]

If you're ever in the market for a blow up doll, go for the Muslim ones.

They blow themselves up

[Eminence Grise]

They blow themselves up...

...but avoid the talking ones. They're programmed to ask: "does my bomb look big in this?"

[padjoe]

What don't you want to feel at a proctogolist exam? Two hands on your shoulders..

[Deckydee]

My brother lost both his legs in Afganistan.

I can imagine he is feeling pretty low right now.



Do homeless people understand "knock knock" jokes?

[BonnieShels]

What do you call a Russian man with 3 testicles?


Hujanikabollokov

[Mr A]

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/267650_10150212627644998_51191684997_7050546_27362 25_n.jpg

[Lev Yashin]

What do you call a Russian man with 3 testicles?


Hujanikabollokov

What do you call a Russian who is always scratching his groin?

Ivan Itchyc*ck

[Real ale Madrid]

What do you call a Russian man with 3 testicles?


Hujanikabollokov

I presume u meant Ugenick Debalakov - not that jumbled up word you posted!

[Mr A]

http://www.owned.lv/images/x3x875c31ea4135ba16c7d58eb17e1feb51.jpg

[Deckydee]

Happy Independence day America!,

or, as it is known in Britain,

"the day they decided that they'd rather keep India"...

[SkStu]

Just heard the World Innuendo Championship is starting next week. I'm thinking of entering my sister.

[SkStu]

http://desmond.yfrog.com/Himg739/scaled.php?tn=0&server=739&filename=hvgcc.jpg&xsize=640&ysize=640

[magicman]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/C4comic.png