View Full Version : Jokes (READ FIRST POST)
Real ale Madrid
01/02/2011, 3:48 PM
Liverpool have signed Andy Carroll for £35 million, plus add ons for any trophies Liverpool may win while Carroll is at the club. This will bring the total deal to around £35 million.
Trainee
03/02/2011, 10:54 PM
Am I A £35m Striker? I scored 24 goals helping my side win promotion back to the Premier League aged just 22.
Then in my first season in the top flight I had bagged an impressive 15 goals by the end of January. Including a goal against the reigning champions, away at Arsenal and in a home win over Liverpool. My form earned me an Englan...d call-up.
Am I a £35m striker?
No I am Michael Ricketts, February 2002.
Pauro 76
09/02/2011, 7:15 PM
The Margaret Thatcher film will be getting an 18 rating. Apparently it's unsuitable for miners.
thischarmingman
12/02/2011, 5:34 PM
I was just asked to donate money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it's some sort of pyramid scheme.
Magicme
12/02/2011, 6:51 PM
Robbing that!!
thischarmingman
12/02/2011, 10:13 PM
It's good isn't it? Stole it from someone on Fbook.
Magicme
13/02/2011, 1:16 AM
I love that when I sent it to one of my best mates that she replied: Pharoah enough!! :D
Magicme
13/02/2011, 1:17 AM
The Margaret Thatcher film will be getting an 18 rating. Apparently it's unsuitable for miners.
Told this joke to my kids, not expecting them to understand and they got it. sooooo proud!! Must be doing something right!
strangeirish
18/02/2011, 2:25 PM
Did you hear about the blind carpenter?
He picked up his hammer and saw!
DeLorean
18/02/2011, 3:29 PM
Say to somebody..."I've got a good joke for ya, what do you call a black man flying a plane?"
Going by my extensive research, it's highly unlikely they'll get the answer which is...
"A pilot you racist"
osarusan
24/02/2011, 10:14 AM
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/stop2.png
DeLorean
25/02/2011, 8:03 AM
I've formed a band called The Prevention. We're going to be even better than The Cure.
osarusan
25/02/2011, 10:54 PM
Dyslexics of the world: UNTIE!
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
the 12 th man
01/03/2011, 3:16 PM
To contact the TD Luke "Ming" Flanagan just push the "hash" button on your phone.
paul_oshea
02/03/2011, 12:22 PM
good old luke. a mates father has that on his phone "wheres the hash" at the end of his voicemail when he is sounding rather tired, obviouslly the recorded voice said when finished "press the hash key"
this guy sees his friend coming out of the doctors and he says to him "jees are ye ok ye look shook", he says to him "ive got the Big C", friend says "what cancer?!", "No, dyslexia!" :D
Stevo Da Gull
03/03/2011, 10:39 PM
What's the biggest cause of pedophilia?
Sexy kids
Bray-Z
04/03/2011, 12:40 PM
OFFENSIVE JOKE WARNING
I see tesco have a new special on...he's out collecting the trolleys.
strangeirish
04/03/2011, 8:11 PM
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
Paddyfield
04/03/2011, 9:39 PM
To contact the TD Luke "Ming" Flanagan just push the "hash" button on your phone.
He has copied Enda Kenny's "Five Point Plan"
It will be known ad Luke Flanagan's "Five Joint Plan"
http://www.damnlol.com/pics/530/ad6190f525cac4c50839981250dbcc47.jpg
BigfeetBigsocks
23/03/2011, 3:10 PM
The Japanese Government have thanked Britain for sending out Rescue Dogs....they said they were Delicious
Real ale Madrid
24/03/2011, 1:25 PM
Whole host of celebrites at the O2 last night for the Kylie gig.
Apparently even Sile Seoige came.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds are all over it!
OwlsFan
30/03/2011, 9:16 AM
The house that looks like Hitler:
http://www.independent.ie/world-news/europe/internet-fuhrery-over-house-that-looks-like-hitler-2600243.html
Lev Yashin
30/03/2011, 12:04 PM
A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner
Dad to son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps son, Ok I lied I went to the movies.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! Ok, it was Date with Pornstar.
Dad: What? when I was your age I didn't know what porn was... The robot slaps dad..
Mum; ha ha! He is certainly your son. The robot slaps mum.:
I guess he has dropped the hand (http://www.independent.ie/national-news/missing-rapists-arm-found-on-beach-2599990.html) for the last time.
Magicme
30/03/2011, 7:37 PM
Nearly spat lemon and ginger tea over my phone there Mr A!! Your a very bad person.
strangeirish
30/03/2011, 9:36 PM
I guess he has dropped the hand (http://www.independent.ie/national-news/missing-rapists-arm-found-on-beach-2599990.html) for the last time.He's a true one armed bandit...Or, maybe he's actually in jail abroad somewhere and is trying to escape back home...
the 12 th man
31/03/2011, 12:58 PM
A Russian walks into a pub in Mullingar.He asks for a Vodka."That'll be 2cent says the barman".
"Why so cheap?" says the Russki.
"The pub is 100 years old today and we're charging the old prices for today.
The Russian notices a load of local Mullingar heads peering in the window."What are they doing?" he asks.
"Their waiting for happy hour" replies the barman.
strangeirish
31/03/2011, 5:40 PM
What do gay horses eat?
Haaaay!
Lev Yashin
31/03/2011, 7:20 PM
One i made up ;)
I saw a tax form walking down the street when it tripped on its lace and slipped on a banana skin just then an anvil fell on its head..
It was sooo funny.
But then i do love fiscal comedy.
A N Mouse
01/04/2011, 12:33 PM
One i made up ;)
I saw a tax form walking down the street when it tripped on its lace and slipped on a banana skin just then an anvil fell on its head..
It was sooo funny.
But then i do love fiscal comedy.
Audit feckin believe it!
DeLorean
01/04/2011, 8:22 PM
Only a few hours left to get someone with an April Fool's prank. Try this:
At the family dinner table, unscrew the top of the salt shaker. The next person to use it will get salt everywhere! And when they lean over to clean up the mess, inject them with AIDS.
the 12 th man
02/04/2011, 12:35 PM
The KGB, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Spudulika
03/04/2011, 5:15 PM
The KGB, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The KGB in this joke used to be the RUC. Kind of had some emotional stuff there :-)
http://artsyspot.com/img/fun/the-funniest-of-all-times/the-funniest-of-all-times07.jpg
Lev Yashin
11/04/2011, 9:07 PM
I went to the barbers today.
He asked me what i wanted, and i replied a number two all over......
so he pooed on my head.
Magicme
12/04/2011, 12:48 AM
I went to the barbers today.
He asked me what i wanted, and i replied a number two all over......
so he pooed on my head.
Maybe its tiredness but that made me properly chuckle! Cant wait to tell my sons it, they will love it. :D
Lev Yashin
12/04/2011, 8:26 AM
When I was younger I had a dog called Minton.
One day he ate my shuttlecock....
Bad Minton.
Deckydee
14/04/2011, 11:26 AM
A mate of mine recently admitted he is addicted to brake fluid........ When I spoke to him about it he reckoned he could stop any time
An Englishman, a French man, a Spaniard and a German are all standing trying to watch a street performer doing his juggling act. The juggler notices that the four men have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you four see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
Two monkeys having a bath.
One says: "Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ahh"
The other replies: "Put some cold in then"
Walking along the other day some lad come running up to me and chucked a massive block of cheese in my face!!!..
Thought to myself, thats not very mature.
What have women and hurricanes got in common?
Both wet & windy when they come, and when they go they take the house.
Got fired today as a masseuse, read the instructions wrong, apparently "finishing off on her face" was not what i thought it was
A car salesman asked me, "What are you looking for in a car?"
I said, "It has to be affordable"
He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Ibble."
I hate street performers...
Then again, I'm a mime, so I can't really talk.
SkStu
23/04/2011, 12:18 AM
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.
Though, I admit, they do make me look a bit gay.
strangeirish
03/05/2011, 12:53 AM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/225280_10150290023294698_788224697_9635679_7434873 _n.jpg
Bray-Z
03/05/2011, 2:50 PM
I'd say Bin Laden regrets filling out the census form now.....
DeLorean
05/05/2011, 1:34 PM
I have a few jokes about the unemployed, but they need some work...
http://omg.wthax.org/star_trek_1.jpg
Red Army
05/05/2011, 8:50 PM
Man says to bar tender I'll have a Bin Ladan please. Bar man asks what's that? man replies two shots and a splash of water.
Spudulika
05/05/2011, 9:45 PM
Apparently Osama didn't know that they take the Bins out even on a Bank Holiday.
horton
12/05/2011, 11:41 AM
Not sure if this has been posted before but anyways:
Limerick city FC got wind of potential young recruit who lives in Iraq. The manager caught a plane to the troubled Iraq capital Baghdad to track the young boy down.
They risk life and limb dodging car bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to limerick.
The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the friendlies and gets picked on the bench in the 1st team for the first game of the year.
30 minutes into the game, Shane Tracy goes down with a severe knee injury. The manager turns to the boy and says "This is it son, go and show us what you can do."
The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in FAI history. He score 3 goals and scores the winning goal from a 30 yard free kick in the 94th minute.
The boys chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in the rooms. The manager tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and he is a model lesson for all.
He then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son , ring your Mother and tell her what you did today."
He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone, "Guess what I did today?"
"I don't care what you did today." His Mother replies. "I tell you what happened here today", she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, our house was torched, our car blown up, your sister was attacked and your brother was abducted."
"**** sake" says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened."
The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have moved to Limerick."
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