View Full Version : Jokes (READ FIRST POST)
Magicme
14/10/2010, 4:18 PM
The Chilean Miner rescue is finally over. The slow process was accomplished, Juan by Juan.
Stolen for FB. :D
I believe they are all doing well except for one of them who is suffering from severe anxiety as he realised he forgot to clock in.
Stevo Da Gull
15/10/2010, 1:26 AM
At a recent job interview:
Q. What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?
A. Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
Q. And your strengths?
A. I'm Batman.
http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/demotivational-posters-theme-park-photos.jpg
Deckydee
28/10/2010, 11:19 AM
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from a vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
Deckydee
28/10/2010, 11:21 AM
I saw CountDown yesterday.
He's Dracula's retarted brother.
(Im so sorry!)
dahamsta
28/10/2010, 5:00 PM
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from a vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
One for the pub tomorrow!
Battery Rover
28/10/2010, 6:59 PM
Taken from Facebook
The weather in Ireland is like Iraq it is either Sunni or Shi'te
OwlsFan
29/10/2010, 12:06 PM
Germaine Defoe was at a party and comes up to this woman and says: "I fancy you, get your coat, you're coming back to my place". The woman replies "You're a little forward aren't you?"
brayfan08
29/10/2010, 11:35 PM
whos that? is he related to Jermain Defoe
the bear
29/10/2010, 11:49 PM
jermain man
Deckydee
02/11/2010, 12:10 PM
“Well, there were these three dwarfs sitting around a table knocking back a few beers. The first dwarf stroked his beard and said to the other two, “Look at my hands. Look how small they are. I reckon they must be the smallest hands in the entire world.” The other two dwarfs nodded in agreement. The third dwarf said, “I think you’re right, you should go down to see the people at the Guinness Book of World Records and see if you get in.” The first dwarf smiled, “That’s a great idea.”
The second dwarf added “Actually I reckon I might pay them a visit too – look at my feet, they’re tiny. They must be the smallest feet in the world.” The other two dwarfs were startled by how small his feet were. The first dwarf said, “They’re tiny all right, you should come with me.”
The third dwarf, not wanting to be left out chimed in: “well I’ m going to come along as well – I’m certain that I’ve got the world’s smallest penis.” The other two dwarfs decided not to verify this claim but nodded, and the second dwarf said, “Well we’ll all go along together to see if we can get in the Guinness Book of World Records”.
The three dwarfs jumped to their feet and set off to the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records as fast as their little legs would take them. Once they arrived, the first dwarf was called into the assessor’s room. He was gone for almost an hour. Finally he emerged from the room with a triumphant grin, “I’m in! My hands are the smallest in the world.”
The second dwarf was called in next. He too emerged with a beaming smile. “I’m in too! These feet are the smallest in the whole world!”
Finally, The third dwarf was called in. The first two dwarfs grew concerned as the clocked ticked and tocked. At last, after two hours the door opened and the third dwarf trudged out looking despondent.
“What`s the matter?”, the first two dwarfs asked in unison.
The third dwarf shook his head in frustration then shouted “Who the hell is Stephen Ireland?!?!”"
Deckydee
02/11/2010, 12:14 PM
I don't understand why Christians are against gay marriage.
Jesus had two dads, he turned out alright.
pineapple stu
02/11/2010, 12:16 PM
Gas that there are people who would literally kill you for that joke.
Deckydee
03/11/2010, 11:11 AM
Follow Up:
I wonder if any guys out there can help me. What does it mean when your wife calls out your dad's name in bed?
Sincerely,
Jesus Christ
Deckydee
03/11/2010, 11:13 AM
I got sacked from my job as a funeral director for showing initiative.
I kept thinking outside the box.
Just sitting on the bus and this old bloke started throwing Werthers at the back of my head.
How original
When my wife found out I'd swapped our bed for a trampoline she hit the roof.
Real ale Madrid
03/11/2010, 1:23 PM
Cork's 96fm have given Neil Prenderville a few days off to recover from recent allegations.
A station insider says he hopes Neil can pull himself together after the incident.
Schumi
03/11/2010, 1:30 PM
I had to google to see what the point of that joke was. Bloody hell!
Deckydee
05/11/2010, 11:23 AM
A Garda pulled me over as I drove through a red-light area.
He said, "Looking for a good time, are we sir?"
I said, "Why, how much do you charge?"
Lev Yashin
09/11/2010, 12:21 PM
Those Ethiopians are a bit hypocritical...They have no problem running 26 miles for a Marathon but ask them to walk five miles for some water and its whinging and moaning!
If you say gullible REALLY SLOWLY, it sounds like oranges
the 12 th man
15/11/2010, 12:22 PM
What have Michael Jackson and Audley Harrison got in common?
They both wore gloves for no reason.
osarusan
18/11/2010, 11:03 AM
I went on Dragons Den with my invention, a machine that makes closet homosexuals admit they are gay.
After showing a quick demonstration, Duncan Bannatyne instantly declared "I'm out"
"See, it works" I said.
Lev Yashin
19/11/2010, 7:26 AM
I took 66% of a poo this morning.....
Two turds.
Real ale Madrid
22/11/2010, 6:44 PM
A dramatic development this evening with Steve Jobs looking to solve Ireland's financial woes by stepping in and actually buying the country from the exchequer.
He says he will re-brand the country with a new name:
iLand
Deckydee
23/11/2010, 11:12 AM
I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
---
Paddy & Murphy are out looking for jobs when they pass a lumberjacks. Paddy goes up to the head lumberjack and asks if any jobs are going.
"Actually, we're after tree fellers right now." replied the lumberjack.
Paddy looked disappointed and said, "Pity, there's only two of us."
---
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going ?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."
tetsujin1979
23/11/2010, 2:32 PM
Bono and Bob Geldof are looking to re-release the Live Aid single "Do they know it's Christmas" in time for Christmas. It will be exclusively released in Africa with all proceeds going to Ireland
Lev Yashin
23/11/2010, 10:11 PM
The SFA have confirmed that referees were to go on strike this coming weekend. However, after consulting at length with their linesmen, they've changed their minds.
Eminence Grise
24/11/2010, 9:42 AM
Why was the old Irish currency called the punt?
It rhymed with banker.
SaucyJack
01/12/2010, 5:34 PM
sorry if already posted,
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!”
“Bring them along!” said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.”
“But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered.
“Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!”
theworm2345
03/12/2010, 5:22 AM
Got this one from here (http://www.socawarriors.net/forum/index.php?topic=51957.0), not my own
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!
Deckydee
07/12/2010, 11:07 AM
My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame, because I really fancy him.
Gran's always up for a laugh, so for a bit of a practical joke, I put her walking stick out of her reach ..
I just can't believe she fell for it.
I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him."
They might as well just say, "He's a ********, but you'll get used to it."
At least after the 2022 World Cup, Qatar will have some cracking stadiums to stone women in.
FIFA blames Panorama for 2018 World Cup bid failure.
FIFA says: "England crossed the line."
Well at least they noticed it this time
Closed Account 2
07/12/2010, 11:53 AM
What do you call a girl with two c--ts ?
N-dubs
southern red
07/12/2010, 10:42 PM
What do you call a girl with two c--ts ?
N-dubs
i always thought the answer to this was Mrs.Neville
thischarmingman
10/12/2010, 10:27 PM
Just got home and found all the doors and windows open and everything taken.
What kind of sicko does that to someones Advent calendar?
sligo23
10/12/2010, 10:44 PM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
unique up on him...
Deckydee
14/12/2010, 9:23 AM
1719
.
http://omg.wthax.org/ecde60a13218c4a1ea4b3f340ab0cc6.jpg
Closed Account 2
15/12/2010, 4:37 PM
A kid comes home from primary school beaming with delight:
"Dad, I've got a part in the school play"
"Really son, that's great, who do you play?"
"I play a man who has been married for 25 years!"
"Oh" [disappointed] "...um...well... Try your best, if you do a really good job next time they might give you a speaking part"
Aaaaa said the sheep with no lips
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
...Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimers is getting worse.
Lev Yashin
07/01/2011, 9:49 AM
So the SPL is going to a ten team league....the must be adding eight teams so.
osarusan
07/01/2011, 9:14 PM
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs471.ash2/74420_1605402247264_1002363144_1693559_2640202_n.j pg
My fcking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning.
Can you believe that?! 2:30am!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Kate Middleton has asked the Queen the secret to a long married life.
The Queen replied 'Wear a seat belt & don't p*** me off.'
thischarmingman
18/01/2011, 10:36 AM
I once dated a dolphin. We just clicked.
Weatherman
19/01/2011, 3:04 PM
See Gary Glitter is taking over at Aston Villa! He heard the strikers are Young and Bent plus their getting Keane!!
strangeirish
20/01/2011, 12:52 PM
http://i52.tinypic.com/2j2f42a.jpg:D:D
Bray-Z
21/01/2011, 1:17 PM
Just saw Brian Cowen in IKEA! He was looking for a cabinet.
Magicme
26/01/2011, 2:37 PM
The boys were playing FIFA 11 last night and I picked up the controller. Andy Gray shouted at me "get back to the kitchen."
The boys were playing FIFA 11 last night and I picked up the controller. Andy Gray shouted at me "get back to the kitchen."
Now that Andy Gray has been sacked after his ignorant, sexist comments on TV and behaviour to colleagues, Sky Sports should set an example and give his job to a female presenter.
Preferably one with really big knockers!
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.2 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.