Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Onefootednopace]

From the letters page of todays Irish Examiner.


What's the difference between a pothole in Ireland and a cigarette?

A cigarette has more tar in it.

[OwlsFan]

http://www.cbc.ca/gfx/images/sports/photos/2010/02/01/bridge-terry-xl-060701getty.jpg

Terry : 'What a ****e couple of years. Lost loads in the bookies, lost a scrap in a nightclub, Mum's a thief, Dad's a druggy and I missed the decisive penalty in the Champions League final'


Bridge : ' Hey, count yourself lucky mate.....I've just found out my missus has got Aids

[Magicme]

I heard Eamon Lillis stood up in court to make his case and said "I misunderstood my wife when she said she wanted a decking in the back garden"......

[Deckydee]

Toyota have apologised for not spotting the fault which causes loss of control.

They would have noticed it sooner if the Yaris had actually been bought by men.


I've decided to kill my wife and make it look like an accident.

Bought her a new Toyota.


Can't wait for the new Arnold Schwarzenegger movie

Toyota Recall.


When are Toyota going to take responsibility for the accelerator problem?

Think someone needs to put their foot down.

John Terry has explained he didn't mean to have sex with Vanessa Perroncel - he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty.

[Lev Yashin]

Why did Lieutenant Uhura leave star trek??? Cause William Shatner!!!

I know its Probably been posted before but its a classic!!!

[superfrank]

I fully understand what the Haitians are going through. When I've had ten Aftershocks, I have trouble finding my house too.

[don ramo]

just broke up woth my haitian girlfriend
she was crushed, ;)


scientist have discovered a new drug for lesbians, its called trycoxagain, :D

[Bluebeard]

scientist have discovered a new drug for lesbians, its called trycoxagain, :D

Funny that, a lesbian scientist friend of mine was saying that it isn't as effective as something called Di-xarmofun

[dahamsta]

Perhaps I'm getting old, but despite the fact that I haven't paid that much attention to Haiti, I still don't find those jokes funny.

[stann]

Funny that, a lesbian scientist friend of mine was saying that it isn't as effective as something called Di-xarmofun

Probably says something about me too that it took me a couple of goes to get it as I can't say that word in my head without pronouncing the 'x' as it should be, as a 'z'.:D

[osarusan]

Probably says something about me too that it took me a couple of goes to get it as I can't say that word in my head without pronouncing the 'x' as it should be, as a 'z'.:D
Indeed.

Simply placing the hyphen at the other side of the 'x' would have sorted that out. Shoddy really.

Bluebeard is slipping.

[Bluebeard]

Placing the hyphen after would have made it sound more like "dicks" than "dykes" which was what I was aiming for - I was hoping that the ellision on the x (planned for the "z" style sound) would have carried it. Retrospectively speaking, spelling it "Di-gusarmofun" may have had that effect but I fear it would have lost its more clinical impression on a visual level. I am glad that I achieved the aim of having people have to pronounce it a few times to get it thoguh, as that is the classic thing with medicines, one has difficulty "naming" it until said aloud on a couple of occasions.

[Magicme]

Chaos reigns at the Vancover Olympics. Following the Luge accident and subsequent death, the Irish Bobsleigh team are refusing to compete unless the course is gritted.

[DmanDmythDledge]

What do you call nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts

What do you call nuts on the wall?

Wallnuts

What do you call nuts on your chin?

Deep Throat.

[DmanDmythDledge]

From the county where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Carrick-on-Suir Ireland.

Recently a routine Garda patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening
the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on,
then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more
vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[the 12 th man]

I checked into a hotel in Bulgaria last week and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded s*xy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is s*x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!

Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

[Magicme]

Whats the difference between the Irish Government and the Mafia? One of them is organised...........

[sligoman]

What do you call a woman with an opinion?
Wrong

What do you call a Chinese woman with an opinion?
Wong.

[Magicme]

What cheese can be used to hide a horse?

Maskapony

[the 12 th man]

A guy goes to the Civil Service to apply for a job in the Dept of
Agriculture.


The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the Public Service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army" he says, "I was in Chad for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me and I lost both of my
testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points

for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to
4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at
10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to
4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.? I'm Not
looking for any special favours"
"What you have to understand is that this is a civil service job," the

interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in
for that."

[saint dog]

guy walks into a chemist and asks for a pack of condoms
girl behind the counter said we dont have any , did you try boots
guy says i was planning on slipping in not marching in ......

[Magicme]

Whats yellow and smells like bananas? Monkey's vomit.

[Mr A]

Stephen Hawking had a hot date last night.

She stood him up...

And he immediately fell on the floor.

[danthesaint]

What's the difference between the Iceland volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano is still blowing ash

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[strangeirish]

Whats the difference between people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi???

People from Dubai don't watch the Flintstones, while people from Abu Dhabi doooo.
:D

[Magicme]

Love it Strangey, kinda silly humour that makes Mondays more bearable!

[don ramo]

barcelonas new ball control technique
http://www.fcbarcelona.com/web/Galeries/futbol/temporada09-10/04/entreno_giuseppemeazza/2010-04-19_ENTRENO_18.JPG

not a joke, but i thought it was funny

[Mr A]

My son has really been ****ing me off recently by using American words and phrases.

He calls orange juice, "OJ", and repeatedly uses words like "awesome" and "bro".

So, I thought, "Well if he wants to feel American, I'll help him do it properly."

So I walked into his school today and shot him and six of his classmates dead.

[Mr A]

I love working at the florist next to the cemetery.

I have absolutely no interest in flowers, I just get off on feigning ignorance and saying, "Who's the lucky lady?" to grieving customers.

[Wolfie]

Heard the one about the gay magician?

He disappeared with a puff.

[danthesaint]

Got this from one of those groups on facebook

Paddy drags a huge metal box along 2 the bbc antiques roadshow in dublin.
He patiently q's 2 c 1 of the experts.'Where did u get this' asks the expert.
'Oh, bjesus' its been in my loft for 40 yrs replies Paddy, and I think it must b sum kind of family heirloom?
I c says the expert, tell me do u have any insurance?
"No" replies Paddy, do you think I should have?
Yes replies the expert, its your fuking water tank!!

[Magicme]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great Chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his trousers and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.





The blonde replies: I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!!

(Courtesy of my mum)

[Bray-Z]

Lads, I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night and I asked if anyone had the time. It was absolute carnage.

[Magicme]

Yikes, I stepped on some cornflakes earlier......does that make me a cereal killer?

[Spudulika]

What to do on an airplane when you are seated next to a real jerk
1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6 Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open this site: http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.


I got this a short time ago from a friend, in Saudi Arabia. Very, very funny!

[dahamsta]

Also known as "How to get shot by an Air Marshal". :)

[hula4]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon - I cant say this when I am sober!http://www.munsterfans.com/forum/aspjpeg_resize.asp?Path=smileys/biggrin.gif&Size=500 (http://www.munsterfans.com/forum/smileys/biggrin.gif)
5. Chrysanthemum

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
02. Nope, no more booze for me.
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. I'm not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[strangeirish]

A dustman is going along the street picking up the wheely bins.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, and then knocks on the door.
Eventually a Chinese man answers... "Harro", he says.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toiret" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toiret I told you" says the Chinese man.
"Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding me... Where's your wheelie bin?"
"OK, OK", says the Chinese guy. "I wheely bin having a w@nk...:devil:

[Deckydee]

I have been collecting the 2010 world cup stickers.

I've completed every team except for Japan & Korea where I keep getting the same players over again.

[smellyfeet]

A few classic 1 liners from Tommy Cooper.

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head..
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat *******!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, ‘Well don't go there anymore’

23.. Ireland ’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Seagull]

Gareth Barry - £12m
Roque Santa Cruz - £17.5m
Joleon Lescott - £22m
Emanual Adebeyor - £25m
Carlos Tevez - £30m
Kolo Toure - £16m
Adam Johnson - £7m
Robinho - £32m
Craig Bellamy - £14m
Shaun Wright-Phillips - £9m
Wayne Bridge - £12m

Manchester City not qualifying for the Champions League . . . Priceless.

[dahamsta]

A few classic 1 liners from Tommy Cooper.

It's just not the same without Tommy's delivery!

[John83]

It's just not the same without Tommy's delivery!
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kyu844o6mZ1qz5pdao1_500.jpg

[smellyfeet]

It's just not the same without Tommy's delivery!

Go on Youtube, some great stuff, Its even shows the scene when he die's on stage, the audience think its part of his act, freaky stuff.

[Deckydee]

How fitting he should die on stage. What a legend. I have all his DVDs at home, I watch them over and over again.

Heres one of my favourites:

My dog took a big bite out of my knee. A friend of mine said: "Did you put anything on it?" I said: "No, he liked it as it was."

[danthesaint]

Paddy & Mick go down to the local job centre, but theres a big sign on the door saying 'Interviews for deaf people only'. Never the less they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "shut the door". He does, and the man says to Paddy.."you're not deaf at all. get out". Anyway, Paddy comes out and tells Mick whatever you do don't shut the door. Mick goes into the office, and the interviewer says the same. "shut the door". Mick replies "No, shut it yourself"

[stann]

One just off the telly but what harm, it's one of my faves!

A white horse goes into a bar. The barman says "'ere, we have a drink named after you!"
The horse says "What? Eric??!!"

[thischarmingman]

What do you call a defiant Roman cannibal?

Gladiator.

[Deckydee]

Random Jokes:

Gordon Brown's resignation has made a significant impact on the British public and beyond.
Eastenders was cancelled.


Sick of having your house Burgled?
Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your door.


"I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad."

[DmanDmythDledge]

What's pink and fluffy and goes round and round?

Stephen Gately's suitcase at the airport

If there are three apples on a table and Jamal takes two of them,

What colour is Jamal?