Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[The Betting Man]

NORTH SIDE DUBLIN LEAVING CERT *(includes vast areas of South Dublin not on the Dort Line)
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN


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1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for EUR300 and 90 grams to Tomo for EUR90 a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 Euro a royid, how many royids per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for EUR7,000 to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got EUR350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends EUR33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22m2 and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun,
how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?






SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT* (includes Clontorf, Malahoid and Hewth)
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
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1. Julian smashes up the old man's cor, causing x amount of damage and killing, loike, three people? The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system,
then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of cor is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own‐.brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to
Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she, like, thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the orse off a certain number of torts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious.
If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever, like, going to shag the other two‐.thirds and s**?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana..
How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners, however he only has access to the Hoover every third week.
When does his Sunday Independent column start?

[The Betting Man]

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa only has 3 ho's.

[strangeirish]

Cop: "So Elin, how many times did you hit him?"

Elin: "I can't remember, but you can put me down for a five".

[Roadend]

A bloke picks up his phone and calls his doctor:

Man: The medication you gave me last week doctor, has made me incontinent

Doctor: Where are you ringing from?

Man: From the waist down mainly.

[Mr A]

http://img5.imagebanana.com/img/qoskt1jg/waswirkligeschah.jpg

[The Betting Man]

You all know little Johnny!* It's near the Christmas break of the
school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really
nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides
to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tches would
Just keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Magicme]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. They are such *******s.

[Roadend]

What did the scottish epileptic kid get for Christmas?

A Wii fit

[oscar]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. They are such *******s.

the little feckers

[Mad Moose]

Somebody might be able to help me here but i first heard this joke on Killinaskully when Pa delivered it. Then i heard it at work yesterday and i still don't get it?

So here it is.

Why do the dogs always bark when the doorbell rings?

Cos they think its for them?

Can anybody explain this?

[thischarmingman]

My mate called me the other day to tell me Michael Stipe was in the pub. I rushed down the pub couldnt see Michael Stipe anywhere so I asked my mate where he was.

'Thats him in the corner' he said.
====

What do you call a Chinese Woman with a Food Processor on her head?

Brenda.

==
The secret service are having a terrible time trying to teach Obama the presidential security procedures.

Every time they shout "Get Down" the guy starts dancing.

====
I once dated a dolphin, we just clicked
==

Guy walks into a bakers and says 'Is that a doughnut or a merangue?' The assitant replies 'No you're right it's a doughnut'

===

I went into the supermarket the other day to buy some Fish and herbs, spent an hour looking at DVD's instead until I thought 'This isn't the Thyme or the Plaice'

==

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold my penis - I mean ladder!

[The Betting Man]

Ian Paisley gets accidentally cyrogenically frozen for 50 years.
When he wakes up, the first question from his big, angry
mouth is: "What the hell happened?"
His doctor comes over and says "Good afternoon Mr.
Paisley.You have been cryogenically frozen for 50 years, and I have good news and bad news for you."
To which Ian replies: "Whats the bad news?"
"Well," says the doc, "Ireland invaded England 25 years ago,
Gerry Adams is Prime Minister, and Mary McAleese has been crowned Queen."
"Good grief!" cries Iain. "Whats the GOOD news?"
"Rangers beat Celtic last night" says his doc, with a smile.
Ian sits back and smiles."What was the score?"
His doc turns to him and says: "Three goals and ten
points to one goal and nine points".

[danthesaint]

I heard Peter Robinson was see chasing Tiger Woods through George Best International Airport... I heard Peter Robinson was seen chasing Tiger Woods through George Best International Airport... :)

[Magicme]

In the paper it said "please look after your neighbours in the cold weather" Not once has my 87 year old neighbour come round to check if I'm alright. In fact the lazy biatch hasn't even take her milk in for 2 weeks.

[The Betting Man]

Peter Robinson visited his optician complaining that his eye had been watery for a good while.The optician says,'I think I know whats wrong,there's been something stuck in your Iris.'

[brendy_éire]

Not technically a joke but,

"Iris is well known for her total and absolute commitment to her constituents. She makes herself available day and night."

Source: http://www.dup.org.uk/MyProfile.asp?MemberID=34

[old git]

the psni in n .ireland are looking for a 21 year old man
on the castlereagh road wearing an orange sash and singing
" SHE WAS OLD BUT "
" SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL " :D

[danthesaint]

What do Iris Robinson and IKEA have in common?
One dodgy screw and the whole cabinet falls apart!

[The Betting Man]

Do you reckon Adeboyor ran the length of the bus to celebrate in front of the gunners the other day

[Magicme]

My brother sent me that by text, its awful, inappropriate but really funny.

[The Betting Man]

Togo team bus:200 attempts and only 3 shots on target....Police have now moved their suspicions towards Dimatar Berbatov

[Magicme]

With Togo having now pulled out of the African Nations Cup, sources have claimed that Ireland are now set to take their place. Manager Trappatoni has said that he is happy to join the competition and he plans to let Paul McShane drive the team bus.

[Mr A]

http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2008/11/11/633619828693774374-dogbunny.jpg

[the 12 th man]

Airport prank where guys get the tannoy announcer to read out hard to pronounce names with funny results.

.http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2003/s_heathrow-p1.php

[tiktok]

A woman walks into a Cocktail bar and asks for a 'double entendre'
The barman gives her one.

[brianw82]

A woman walks into a Cocktail bar and asks for a 'double entendre'
The barman gives her one.

I've told that joke to people about a dozen times.
I think it's great.
Nobody gets it.

[thischarmingman]

I've told that joke to people about a dozen times.
I think it's great.
Nobody gets it.
:D


Was this meant as a joke?!

[OwlsFan]

THINGS YOU NOTICE WHEN YOU'RE OVER 65:
























http://sites.google.com/site/kilcree/pottsie/Seatbelt.bmp

[strangeirish]

^
She doesn't need to. Those airbags will do the trick!

[oscar]

she should be in the totty thread,they're massive

[brianw82]

A carton of yogurt walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
The yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why? I’m cultured.”

[osarusan]

What's the difference between Australia and a pot of yoghurt?



Leave it alone for a couple of hundred years, and yoghurt will develop its own culture.

[endabob1]

Man City have announced that a new face will soon be arriving at Eastlands.

Tevez and Lescott have been fighting over it.


osama bin laden was arrested by police in wales for having sex with sheep.

he's been reported as saying 'they were islams and he'll do what he wants with them'

[old git]

why was phil's girlfriend annoyed ???

because she found out that phillips 24 inch was a TV . :D

[DmanDmythDledge]

What's the best form of contraception?



Cum on her face.

[theworm2345]

What's the best form of contraception?



Cum on her face.
You sure thats a joke and not a scientific fact?

[awec]

What's the best form of contraception?



Cum on her face.

In her mouth is probably safer.

[Stevo Da Gull]

why was phil's girlfriend annoyed ???

because she found out that phillips 24 inch was a TV . :D

Jaysus, what was she planning on doing with 24 inches worth of it anyway?

One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love."

Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think."

Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet."

Confused, the teacher asked why.

Johnny replied, "When I walked past my mom's room last night, she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

[Magicme]

I was hoping to do a degree in Sexual Education. I didnt get in coz I failed the oral.

[oscar]

whats the difference between swine flu and Liverpool


swine flu is still in europe

[old git]

2 plane loads of volunteers from limerick have just taken off from shannon airport
heading for haiti to assist with the looting :D:D

[roinuj]

Union negotiations

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced the number rof virgins a suicide bomber would receive after death will be cut by 15% next January from 72 to 60 .The rational for the cut was the increase in the recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the after life.

The suicide bombers’ bombers, union, the British organisation of occupational martyrs (or B, O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. The general secretary Abdullah Amir told the press ‘Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad’. We don’t ask much for in return but to be treated like this by the management is a kick in the teeth.

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgin, but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be Bourne entirely by the workforce and not by the management.’ Last Christmas Abu Hamas alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,00 virgin ‘Complained Amir, And you can be sure they’ll all be pretty ones too.how can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work.
Speaking from a shed in the west midlands in which he currently resides Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “we sympathise with our brother worker concerns, but Al-Qaida is simply not in apposition to meet the demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of the modern –day Jihad, in a completitive marketplace. Thanks to western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the after life. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying off people. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up. He defended the management bonuses by claiming the are necessary to attract good, fanaticalclerics.”How am I supposed to attract the best of people if I can’t compete with the private sector. Asked bin –laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifices allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying “I’ll be buggered if I’ am agreeing to anything like that, it’s too much to swallow.

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, Suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which is a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of the branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with the striking brethren.

Spokesperson in North East of England, Swindon, north Kent and the entire Australian Continent stated that this world not affect the operations as” there are NO Virgins in their areas anyway

:D

[centre mid]

What a waste of bandwidth.

[dahamsta]

Moved to the jokes thread, despite my reservations about qualification...

[roinuj]

Anyone got any Manc jokes????
Man United - PRIDE OF SINGAPORE!

man united - PRIDE OF EVERYWHERE

[DeLorean]

How do you pull a fat bird?
.
.
.
.
Piece of cake

[Onefootednopace]

on BBC 606...........


Apparently Wayne Bridge has sent Vanessa a replica of his John Thomas made out of Cadbury's chocolate. But she sent it back saying she preferred Terrys.

[joeSoap]

Wayne Bridge has notified Fabio Capello that he will not travel to the World Cup and play in an England side with John Terry in it. Capello has sent Terry round to Emile Heskeys house looking for his missus....

[smellyfeet]

Man walks into the Butchers and says, " can i have a pound of Kiddly's" "Kiddly's?" says the Butcher, man says "thats what i said Didlle I".

Second man walks into the Butchers and says, "can i have a nice piece of meat", Butcher says "any piece of meat in particular sir" man says "i'll have that piece of meat on the top shelve" Butcher says "sorry sir, the steaks are too high".

[old git]

ashley cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50 mph zone . when questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said
" i've just heard john terrys car is parked outside my house "