Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[strangeirish]

What kind of monkey eats dynamite?

A Ba-Boom
:D...

[Magicme]

What kind of monkey eats dynamite?

A Ba-Boom

Am such a child at heart that jokes like that make me laugh the hardest!

[Wangball]

What do you call a bear with a penis and testicles on its head?

Genital Ben
.
.
.
What ET short for??

Because he only has little legs

[Magicme]

The ET one is my fav of all time along with "What do you call Postman Pat when he retires? PAT!"

[Wangball]

How do you make a monkey cross??

Nail two monkey's together

[thischarmingman]

What do you get when you pour tea down a rabbit hole?

A hot cross bunny.

[paul_oshea]

What do you get when you pour tea down a rabbit hole?

A hot cross bunny.

Thats class :D

[paul_oshea]

A blonde girl is out walking on a sunny day.

she notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids
are running around having fun she takes pity on him and decides to speak
to him

'you ok?' she says

'yes' he says

'you can play with the other kids you know' she says

' its best I stay here' he says

'why?' says the blonde



The boy says 'Because I am the f'n goalie'

[3 Heroes]

At a surgical conference 3 surgeons, one from Israel, one from the UK, and the third from Ireland, are discussing the wonders of modern medecine. the Israeli surgeon says "In my country we can take the lungs out of one man and put them into another and have him back at work in 3 months".
The UK surgeon says "That's nothing, in my country we can take the lungs out of one man and put them into another and have him back at work in only 2 months". Finally the Irish surgeon pipes up "Ye think that's good lads, in my country we can take an ar$ehole out of Offaly, put him into government and he'll have the whole country out of work in 4 months".

[anto1208]

Rohypnol is a load of ********.

I've taken it for the past few weeks and haven't scored once.

[Stevo Da Gull]

Rohypnol is a load of ********.

I've taken it for the past few weeks and haven't scored once.

Yeah I know, it almost worked for me with this one bir.... oh wait that was a joke was it :eek:

[anto1208]

Courtesy of sickipeadia


My hot water heater's packed up, so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans...

...it was ****ing uncomfortable when I got in.


I just dont get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick...... but no one says anything about Stephen Hawking being rubbish at football do they?!


Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

[strangeirish]

Fox News continues on its mission to dumb down America...:D

http://www.newshounds.us/Picture%202.png

[anto1208]

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...

"Mr Cook?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."

I said, "That's Rubbish, 'cause my dog doesn't have a bike!"

[strangeirish]

Female suicide bomber runs in to a pet shop and yells, "You all have 30 seconds to get out!"

Tortoise at the back shouts, "You ***t!"

:D

[Lev Yashin]

Everyone talks about how good Viagra is...but it takes 30 minutes to work...i find after 30 minutes the girl has normally managed to wriggle away.:eek:

[TonyD]

Everyone talks about how good Viagra is...but it takes 30 minutes to work...i find after 30 minutes the girl has normally managed to wriggle away.:eek:

Who was watching Frankie Boyle on Mock The Week last week then ?;)

Funny guy he is too.I like his line about paedophiles, "the grey macs, the glasses, just what is it about that look that children find so sexy?" Shockingly bad taste I know, one of those jokes you know you shouldn't really find funny but still :D

[Pauro 76]

Who was watching Frankie Boyle on Mock The Week last week then ?;)

Funny guy he is too.I like his line about paedophiles, "the grey macs, the glasses, just what is it about that look that children find so sexy?" Shockingly bad taste I know, one of those jokes you know you shouldn't really find funny but still :D

Frankie Boyle is quality, he always takes it too far. He once called gymnastics, paedophilia for cowards! saw him live once, fantastic.

[stann]

The chap is pure genius. His bit about political correctness a few weeks back had me choking with laughter. I had it posted here but bottled it in the end! :D

[anto1208]

Who was watching Frankie Boyle on Mock The Week last week then ?;)

Funny guy he is too.I like his line about paedophiles, "the grey macs, the glasses, just what is it about that look that children find so sexy?" Shockingly bad taste I know, one of those jokes you know you shouldn't really find funny but still :D

Christ that is two jokes he has robbed so straight away !!

[MysticMon]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. ; ; I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."


ababab

[Magicme]

Yes Us Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

[Mr Maroon]

Penalty for Perjury

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

[willymccann]

Customs Declarations

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course.. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[pass&move]

..........The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering
aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just
lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all
of a sudden...
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I
ahm sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the
next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a
tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture..
There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked
bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in
the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that
smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up
and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that
he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe...go back man, you was right. Ees not a bacontree.'
'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

/
Ees....
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
Ees...
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
... Eees a Ham Bush!'

[Terry-Lander]

What's the longest sentence in the English language?

I do.

[Magicme]

I fell asleep with my mobile phone under the pillow last night and when I woke up it was gone and there was 50c in its place. Bloody Bluetooth Fairy.

[willymccann]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man,' it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. 'Your ****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'

[stann]

i fell asleep with my mobile phone under the pillow last night and when i woke up it was gone and there was 50c in its place. Bloody bluetooth fairy.

Made me laugh out loud that one. :D

Got a text joke over the weekend that ran something along the lines of: "Was on holiday in France last week. Great time. Got involved in a strawberry stomping contest in the local village. Just lost out in the final to a woman with no legs. Jammy c**t!"

[inexile]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished

to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was

picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up

prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope



with trembling hands and read the letter.



Dear Dad:



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing

you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I

wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been

finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all

her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and

the fact that she is 25 years older than I am.



But it's not only the passion... Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a

trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for

the whole winter! We share a dream of having many more

children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that

marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing

it for ourselves and trading it with the other people

that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the

meantime we will pray that science will find a cure

for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it..



Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care

of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to

visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love,

Your son Jeff


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at

Tommy's house. Just wanted to remind
you that there

are worse things in life than a report card. That is

in my center desk drawer.



Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Mr Maroon]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense!)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time ... the reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought!)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?)

[strangeirish]

'Nuff said...

[anto1208]

I bought some drugs on the internet that they say make you live forever.

So far so good.

[pass&move]

BIKER STORY

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the
lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on
the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps
back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified
parents, who thank him endlessly.

An Irish Times reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and
brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist from the Irish Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have
this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living ?''
The biker replies, 'I'm an unemployed traveller from Tuam'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The Irish Times to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page: *

TUAM KNACKER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[CameramanConka]

When I was a child in the 70's I loved Gary Glitter.

Didn't know the feeling was mutual.

[CameramanConka]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the ****ing gates'.

[MysticMon]

God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'


Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.'

[inexile]

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the
Captain announced:
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,
non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good,
so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and
.... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking
to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled, 'bye jaysus you should see the back of
mine!'

[OwlsFan]

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" He asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly, " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on".

His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologised. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"

"Your f *#kin' horse phoned!"

[strangeirish]

How beer works...No sound. None needed!


Click! (http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf)

[smellyfeet]

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why are women like clouds? eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a fu*king big red mark on her forehead.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'
--

[sparkey]

Credit Crunch Christmas:D

Last Christmas
Turkey, Cranberrysauce, Champagne, Presents, Stuffing, Reindeers, Decorations, Christmastree, Selectionbox, Brusselsprouts

This Christmas
Crow, Strawberryjam, Buckfast, Bagofcoal/oranges, Oldnewspaper, Donkeys, Home-made bunting, Coathangers, Abox, Brusselsprouts

[Magicme]

Phew. Thank god there will still be sprouts. Yum.

[Magicme]

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

[6yardpunisha]

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

very very good magicme:D

[Magicme]

very very good magicme:D

was sent to me by a teacher and am sure she appreciated it even more!

[brendy_éire]

Was just flicking through the paper there and read that a dwarf got pickpocketed the other day. How could someone stoop so low?

[thischarmingman]

Was just flicking through the paper there and read that a dwarf got pickpocketed the other day. How could someone stoop so low?


They released CCTV pictures of the suspect yesterday though.

They were hoping someone might gnome.

[thischarmingman]

What do a cocktail stick and Spurs have in common?

The cocktail stick has 2 points.

[Lev Yashin]

In the news today apparently 50% of Ireland's schools are not teaching mathematics well enough,

Doesn't sound that bad to me, still less than a quarter.