Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[noby]

Zookeeper tells Paddy that a gorilla is in heat and they need someone to have sex with her. He asks Paddy would he do the job for 500euro, Paddy says he will on three conditions:

1. He won't kiss it.
2. His family must never find out.
and 3. He'll need a few weeks to get the money together

Subtle, but crucial difference.

[paul_oshea]

ya i read it like that alright the second time, as it makes a huge difference alright, if you want to make it funny.

[noby]

...if you want to make it funny.

Always a bonus in a joke.

[sligoman]

Yeah, meant it like that noby, whoops!

[strangeirish]

The wife is 5 months pregnant. The couple goes to bed. The husband
wants to have sex. She says that the OBGYN told her no more sex until
after the baby is born. He than asks: So what did the Ear, Nose and
Throat specialist say?

[strangeirish]

A bus stops and Trappatoni and a mate get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In Ireland we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said Trappatoni. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[shedite]

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It may take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid this morning

[anto1208]

I'm not sexist,ageist or racist....which is apity cos i had a bloody good joke about Tina Turner!

by Jerry Sadowitz
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What's the definition of a Jewish dilemma?

Half price bacon!

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How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

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Why don't Muslims drink alcohol?

It might give the ***** a sense of humour.

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I cant think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.

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Two Irishmen had a nightmare day visting the sperm bank in London. Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.

[strangeirish]

Monica Lewinsky has decided to vote for Barack Obama, claiming the Clintons left a bad taste in her mouth.

[Torn-Ado]

Why was Helen Keller unable to drive?

She was a women.

[paul_oshea]

Why was Helen Keller unable to drive?

She was a women.

so of all the conditoins helen keller had, she was actually a paraniod schizophrenic?!

[Bluebeard]

so of all the conditoins helen keller had, she was actually a paraniod schizophrenic?!

:D:D:D

[strangeirish]

Byrne and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Byrne said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey.
Byrne said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Byrne said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

[Rovers fan]

What does DNA stand for?

National dyslexics association

[Block G Raptor]

A Woman Goes To Her Doctor's Office, Afraid Of The Strange
Development On The Inside Of Her Upper Thighs ...
A Green Spot On The Inside Of Each Thigh
They Won't Wash Off, They Won't Scrape Off, And They Seem To Be
Getting Worse.
The Doctor Assures Her He'll Get To The Bottom Of The Problem, And
Tells Her Not To Worry Until The Tests Come Back.
A Few Days Later, The Woman's Phone Rings. Much To Her Relief, It's
The Doctor.
She Immediately Begs To Know What's Causing The Spots.
The Doctor Says, 'you're Perfectly Healthy----there's No Problem....
But I'm Just Wondering.... Is Your Boyfriend A Limerick-man'
The Woman Stammers, 'why, Yes, But How Did You Know?'

'tell Him His Earrings Aren't Real Gold.'

[Lev Yashin]

need advice???

A freind has offered me 8 legs of venison for 60 euro.....do you think its too dear?

[Pike B]

Guy wins big at the races and buys the Wife flowers. He walks in and shows them to her and she says 'I suppose you want me to spread my legs now', He says 'Why, haven't you got a vase?' (Junior Soprano)

[placid casual]

2 old folks meet in a retirement home and decide since they're not long for the world to get married.off they go to rome on a honeymoon.first night in the marital bed,the old bloke is lying in bed waiting for his slice,while then aul wan is getting undressed in front of him .
he says"i cant wait to get you into bed and give a good seeing to"
she says"I just want you to know,before we start,i have acute angina"
hes says"well i hope its better than them tit$"

[the sparks]

two weasels walk in to a bar,one weasel turns to the other and says i shagged your mother,no second weasel ignores him a few mins later he says it again,i shagged your mother the second weasel says will you shut up dad your drunk
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a man walks into a butchers and says to the butcher have you got pigs toes,the butcher says yes and the man says do you find em hard to walk on
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a couple have been married for 20 years but the wife is ****ed off becoz her husband has never had sex with her with the lights on no matter how much she wants to,so 1 nite while their doin it she quickly flicks on the lite and to her shock she sees her husband using a dildo on her,she is furous and says to him i cant believe for the last 20 years you have been doing that to me and thats why you wont make love with the light on ive never been so hurt in all my life so explain yourself and he says i will if you explain our 3 kids
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how do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach,its not hard

[anto1208]

What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.


i have c.d.o. its obsessive compulsive disorder only in alphabetical order like it should be


First, it was Shannon Matthews' step-dad's step-uncle who was arrested.

Then her step-dad. Then her step-dad's sister, and step-dad's mum.

Now Shannon's mother, Karen Matthews has been arrested.

It's good to see the police clamping down on ugly people.

[TonyD]

Heard this the other week and thought it was very funny, if in dubious taste. So if you're the sensitive type, look away now if you don't want to know the score.......




After her success in the British hide-and-seek championships, Shannon Matthews now moves forward to take on the current European champion.......



Madeline McCann :eek:

[pineapple stu]

As a rule of thumb every dog year is about the same as 7 human years.

Which explains why Karen Matthews looks so ****ing awful at the age of 32.



Courtesy of www.sickipedia.org; look there for what'll get me banned from here!

[padjoe]

What would Peter Crouch be if he wasn't a Premiership footballer?

a virgin

[padjoe]

As a rule of thumb every dog year is about the same as 7 human years.

Which explains why Karen Matthews looks so ****ing awful at the age of 32.



Courtesy of www.sickipedia.org; look there for what'll get me banned from here!

i hope you are proud of yourself. you've ruined my trial day with that website. i can't stop looking at it.

[Block G Raptor]

A Somalian arrives in Cork a new immigrant to Ireland.

He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr Irishman for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!'
The man says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.'
The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Ireland !'
This person says, 'I no Irish, me Polish.'
He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful things in Ireland !'
This person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from India , I am not Irish!'
Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you Irish?'
She says,' No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Irish people?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...












'Probably at work!! '

[stann]

What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.

:D :D :D

Cheers Anto, was about to take a claw hammer to the laptop but that's cheered me up no end.

[biscuit]

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?
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Two men are shopping in a supermarket when their trolleys collide. The first guy says 'Sorry about that mate, I'm trying to find my wife!' The 2nd guy says 'Yeah me too mate'

The 1st guy says 'Maybe I can hep, what does she look like?' The 2nd guy answers 'She's tall, blond hair, blue eyes, long legs, great tits and a tight arse, what does yours look like?' The 1st guy replies 'Never mind her, let's find yours!'
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A group of pikeys arrive at Heaven, and St. Peter is waiting at the Pearl Gates. "We want to come in." One of them says.

St. Peter replies, "One moment please. God has a thing about pikeys coming in to Heaven."

He visits God and tells him about the pikeys. "No way!" God shouts. "Go back to the Pearl Gates and tell them to **** off!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates and then back to God. "They're gone." He says.

"The pikeys?" God asks.

"No," St. Peter replies, "The Gates."
------------------------------------------------------------------
The other day, I visited an old people's home as part of my community service.
I asked one of the old men, "How do you feel living here?"
He replied, "I feel like a new born baby."
I thought "How wonderful" and asked him "Why do you feel that way?"
To which he replied, "I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just shat myself."
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China now says that the olympics will be a pay per view event.

If you don't watch, the Tibetans will pay.

[biscuit]

After her success in the British Hide 'n' Seek Championships, Shannon Matthews now goes forward to take on the European Champion.............................


Madeline Mc Cann

[TonyD]

After her success in the British Hide 'n' Seek Championships, Shannon Matthews now goes forward to take on the European Champion.............................


Madeline Mc Cann

Anyone else hear that awful echo in here ?

[John83]

Anyone else hear that awful echo in here ?
I couldn't hear it over the tumbleweed.

[biscuit]

Anyone else hear that awful echo in here ?

ah get over yerselves ffs:rolleyes:

[L37Ultra]

A Limerick Man, A Polish Man and a Latvian Man were in a bar one night having a beer. ALL OF A SUDDEN THE POLISH MAN DOWNS HIS BEER, THROWS HIS GLASS IN THE AIR, PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS THE GLASS TO PIECES AND SAYS "IN POLAND OUR GLASSES ARE SO CHEAP THAT WE DON'T NEED TO DRINK FROM THE SAME ONE TWICE".

THE LATVIAN MAN IMPRESSED BY THIS, DOWNS HIS BEER, THROWS HIS GLASS IN THE AIR, PULLS OUT HIS GUN AND SHOOTS THE GLASS TO PIECES AND SAYS "WELL IN LATVIA WE HAVE SO MUCH SAND TO MAKE THE GLASSES THAT WE DON'T NEED TO DRINK OUT OF THE SAME GLASS EITHER".

THE LIMERICK MAN, AS COOL AS A CUCUMBER, PICKS UP HIS BEER AND DRINKS IT, THROWS HIS GLASS IN THE AIR, PULLS OUT HIS GUN AND SHOOTS THE POLISH MAN AND THE LATVIAN MAN AND SAYS "IN LIMERICK WE HAVE SO MANY ****ING POLISH AND LATVIAN MEN, WE DON'T NEED TO DRINK WITH THE SAME ONES TWICE".

[noby]

It must have been a NOISY BAR.

[L37Ultra]

It must have been a NOISY BAR.


No it was in my local.Resonably quiet local pub. :p

[Magicme]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging,violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please
give me the strength to cross the river'

Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof!.......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.


Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[Green Tribe]

Where is strangeirish, now his jokes are GOOD!! :D

[strangeirish]

Three gay guys were all in a car crash and died. All three were cremated.

Their boyfriends were talking about what they were going to do with the ashes.

The first boyfriend said "I am going to sky dive and spread his ashes in the sky, because that's what he liked".

The second guy said, "I'm going to go sailing and spread his ashes in the ocean, because that's what he liked to do".

The third guy said "I'm going to put my boyfriends ashes in a bowl of curry so he can rip through my ass one more time!"
:D

[Lev Yashin]

Three gay guys were all in a car crash and died. All three were cremated.

Their boyfriends were talking about what they were going to do with the ashes.

The first boyfriend said "I am going to sky dive and spread his ashes in the sky, because that's what he liked".

The second guy said, "I'm going to go sailing and spread his ashes in the ocean, because that's what he liked to do".

The third guy said "I'm going to put my boyfriends ashes in a bowl of curry so he can rip through my ass one more time!"
:D


SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!:D

[OwlsFan]

The judge is deciding in a divorce case with whom the son should live. So he asks the boy "Do you want to live with your dad?"

"No" says the boy, "he beats me all the time".

"Well" says the judge, "what about your mother?".

"No" says the boy, "she beats me all the time as well".

The frustrated judge then asks "Where do you want to live then ?" to which the boy replies:

"With Sheffield Wednesday, they never beat anyone!!". :o

[girlinblack]

Q: If you have 30 grand in one pocket & 20 grand in the other, what have you got?

.
.
.

A: Bertie's Anorak
:D

[anto1208]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging,violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please
give me the strength to cross the river'

Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof!.......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.


Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

Yea right she read the map !!! ****** :D

[Block G Raptor]

Maths made easy with Manchester United

From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.

1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.

2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?

3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of
internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.

4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?
(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)

4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?

5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?

6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Cristiano Ronaldo have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)

6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.

7. Mark "The Red" lives in Dublin. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?
(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).

8. Alex has a hotel room booked in Moscow for the Champions League Final. How much money will he lose when cancelling his reservation?

9. Christiano is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)

10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).

11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £18m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?

12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Barcelona were a pushover.

[anto1208]

Here are a few belters form sickipedia .

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has got to want to change

this one is long and stupid but i fell off the chair laughing .

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll
have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't
help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' And the boy
goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?'
And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when
I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish,
I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie
waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me.

Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet
with £1 million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every
time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.'

And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For
my third wish , and I regret saying this now , I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'

[paul_oshea]

thats class....i love those type jokes.

[Block G Raptor]

Chinese style

[GavinZac]

Yea right she read the map !!! ****** :D

Oh she read it alright, once she'd figured out what direction she was facing then rotating the map accordingly

[strangeirish]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes ..

After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?':D

[willymccann]

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General Knowledge. This is gonna be sooo easy!'


Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front.

"Yes, Farqhuar?" Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."


The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said?" We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?"

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."


The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'"

Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing."

Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."


Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?"

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts:
"Who said that?"

Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Padraig Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss."

[sligoman]

Found a website of Maltese proverbs (http://www.aboutmalta.com/grazio/qwiel2.html)

The highlights for me:

"A woman is like a lemon; you squeeze her and throw her away.":D
"Seven women in their right senses are surpassed by a mad man."
"Women have got long hair and short sense."
"A woman who does not understand by a look of the eye won't understand by a box of the fist.":eek:

[paul_oshea]

i have some great jokes just not suitable for public domain, pm me if ye want them!!