Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[paul_oshea]

that joke was crap. :confused:

[strangeirish]

First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head."

[gustavo]

First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head."

Simple ones are best :D

[strangeirish]

Simple ones are best :D
That was for O'Shea. Easy for him to understand.:)

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, " Arrr, I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys, arrrr." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered, " Oh that? Arrrr, I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, " Arrrr ye fool, it was the day after I got me hook!"

[Lev Yashin]

i went to the doctor the other day and he told me i'd have to stop masterbating...i said why? and he said cause he was trying to examine me!

[paul_oshea]

you shouldn't really be telling people that shannonman, this is the jokes thread not the "your most embarrassing moments" thread. If I were you id keep quiet about that sorta stuff ;)

[DmanDmythDledge]

What do you call a fat chinese person?

A chunk

[Aaron]

Why I fired my Secretary. Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'


After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there... On the couch..........












Naked

[2legged tackle]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[2legged tackle]

Two young lads sittin in a cinema and as the movie is gettin a bit stale one shouts "Help! Help! Is there a doctor in here?"
Doctor replies "Yes I'm a doctor!"
Young lad says "**** film, isnt it"
Doctor "If i could see you i'd beat the ****** of ya!"

[Sligo Hornet]

Two young lads sittin in a cinema and as the movie is gettin a bit stale one shouts "Help! Help! Is there a doctor in here?"
Doctor replies "Yes I'm a doctor!"
Young lad says "**** film, isnt it"
Doctor "If i could see you i'd beat the ****** of ya!"

Funny????????........NOT!:mad:

[Bluebeard]

Funny????????........NOT!:mad:

It was going well until the Doctor responded the second time. No need to extend it. This is a problem shared by many "Director's Cut" style DVDs...

[smellyfeet]

A man goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies, “Euro.”
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency.
The man says: “What? There weren’t any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank.”
--------------------
Creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
who sucked it and ****ed it, and called it a ****.
--------------------------
New Bride
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

[smellyfeet]

One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."

[The Man Himself]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as
he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper
time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take
off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

[strangeirish]

Jokes thread! (http://foot.ie/showthread.php?t=1816)
:eek::D

[The Man Himself]

Jokes thread! (http://foot.ie/showthread.php?t=1816)
:eek::D

where is the jokes thread???

[strangeirish]

where is the jokes thread???
Careful now, you might end up here. (http://foot.ie/showthread.php?t=81119)
:p

[6yardpunisha]

Jim proposed to Sandy.
>
> Prior to accepting his proposal, Sandy decided to confess to her man that
she had a childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease as
a child, that left her with breasts that stopped maturing
> at the age of 12 years old.
>
> Jim told her that it was OK because he loved her so much. However, he felt
this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a
deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in her eyes and said, "I
> too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant. I hope you can
deal with that once we are married.
>
> Sandy said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your
infant-sized penis."
>
> Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim
whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they quickly engaged in some
heavy foreplay, touching, teasing, holding one another.
>
> No sooner than Sandy put her hands in Jim's trousers to fondle his penis
she removed them and ran from the room screaming!
>
> Jim, somewhat mystified, ran after her. Once he caught up with her he
asked, "What's the problem?"
>
> She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant."
>
> Jim replied, "It is ... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long."

[strangeirish]

A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an Air Hostess. I wonder which airline she works for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her again and said: "Something special in the air ... ?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.

He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways ..." and said: "Smooth as silk?"

This time, the woman turned on him and said, "What the f*** do you want?"

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said "Ahhhhh - Ryanair ! "

[Lev Yashin]

i used to like tractors....you might say im an extractor fan.

i'll get my coat.:D

[Risteard]

I went to a new place in town the other night.
It has a self-service cloak-room.




























I'll get my coat.

[strangeirish]

It's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, my friends, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

[strangeirish]

Aidan McGeady signs on as a keeper for womens team...

It's true, I tells ya! (http://www.fc-utrecht.nl/en/teams/vrouwen_fc_utrecht/Denise_van--Luyn)
:D

[sligoman]

Aidan McGeady signs on as a keeper for womens team...

It's true, I tells ya! (http://www.fc-utrecht.nl/en/teams/vrouwen_fc_utrecht/Denise_van--Luyn)
:Dhaha that's class. How'd you find that?

[citizenerased]

http://www.fc-utrecht.nl/en/teams/vrouwen_fc_utrecht/Denise_van--Luyn

[Lev Yashin]

Aidan McGeady signs on as a keeper for womens team...

It's true, I tells ya! (http://www.fc-utrecht.nl/en/teams/vrouwen_fc_utrecht/Denise_van--Luyn)
:D

This should have its own thread!!! its brilliant!!!:D

[Newryrep]

pinched from another board

The balloon family are in bed, during the night there's a thunder storm and the baby balloon is scared so he goes to his parents room and tries to squeeze in their bed.

It's tiny so he lets some air out of his dad but still can't get in so he lets some air out of his mum but he still can't get in.

Desperate needs, he lets a lot of air out of himself and then fits in.

In the morning his dad is furious.

He says "Son you've let me down, you've let your Mum down, but most of all you've let yourself down".

[strangeirish]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The doctor replied, ; "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

[anto1208]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

Boom boom tish




Guy goes to a hard ware store looking for some bug spray he picks up a bottle and asks the guy behind the counter "is this good for beetles"
The guy looks up and replies "no it will kill them "

[tricky_colour]

Just heard this on The Simpsons which made me chuckle:-

(they are watching Crusty the Clown entertain some prisoners in jail on TV)

Lisa: "Those prisoners just love Crusty the clown"
Bart: "Inside the heart of every criminal beats the heart of a 10 year old boy"
Lisa: "And vice versa".

[sligoman]

A woman has been kicked off 'Who Wants to be A Millionaire' for masterbating...she didn't quite understand the 'fastest finger' part of the show.

[strangeirish]

It seems that the USA sub-prime problem has rippled over to Japan. And the consequences are set to be disastrous.

The Origami Bank has folded...

The Karaoke Bank is up for sale – and going for a song...

Shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived...

Sumo Bank has gone belly-up...

The Bonzai Bank are cutting their branches...

Samurai Bank are forecasting a sharp cutback...

1,000 staff at Karate Bank have got the chop...

And rumor has it that something fishy is happening at Sushi Bank and staff are predicted to get a raw deal..

[paul_oshea]

Guy goes to a hard ware store looking for some bug spray he picks up a bottle and asks the guy behind the counter "is this good for beetles"
The guy looks up and replies "no it will kill them "

classic

[Block G Raptor]

Illegal Immigrants Poem


I cross ocean, poor and broke.
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare.


Welfare say, "You come no more,
we send cash right to your door."

Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy!
VHI - it keep you healthy!


By and by, I got plenty money.

Thanks to you, Irish dummy!


Write to friends in motherland.

Tell them "come fast as you can."


They come in turbans and Ford trucks.

I buy big house with welfare bucks!


They come here, we live together.

More welfare cheques, it gets better!


Fourteen families, they moving in,

but neighbour's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away.

Now I buy his house,then I say,


"Find more aliens for house to rent."

And in the yard I put a tent.


Everything is very good,

and soon we own the neighbourhood.


We have hobby, it's called breeding.

Welfare pay for baby's feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?

We get free! We got no bills!

Ireland crazy! They pay all year,

To keep welfare running here..

We think Ireland darn good place.

Too darn good for the white man race!

If they no like us, they can scram.

Got lots of room in Pakistan !

[paul_oshea]

Man arrives home to his wife with a bunch of flowers, the wife says "I suppose I should spread my legs now?".
Man says "why?, have we not got a vase?"
---------
why did the farmer get a nobel prize? coz he was outstanding in his field!!!!
---------
did ya hear of the 2 kerry men walkin along the road and one finds a mirror on the road and looks in it and says, i recognise the face,
the other grabs it off him and looks and says its me ya ******

[placid casual]

did you hear about the spa who won the disco dancing contest?
he was just goin to get his coat
------
why do women have legs ?
just look at the mess snails make
------
two fat guys in a pub. one says "your round".
other says "so are you ye fat *******"

[noby]

Illegal Immigrants Poem




The comedy stylings of Enoch Powell :rolleyes:

[gustavo]

Illegal Immigrants Poem
!
:rolleyes: Alf Garnett would be proud

[Block G Raptor]

:rolleyes: Alf Garnett would be proud

Jaysus lad's it's a Joke. this is the Joke Thread isn't it?.relax It's not as though I actually wrote the feckin' thing. It did however bring a smile to my face when reading it

[John83]

The comedy stylings of Enoch Powell :rolleyes:


:rolleyes: Alf Garnett would be proud
The metre's all over the place too.

[KevB76]

Jaysus lad's it's a Joke. this is the Joke Thread isn't it?.relax It's not as though I actually wrote the feckin' thing. It did however bring a smile to my face when reading it

Jokes are supposed to make you laugh arent they, where's the funny part :confused:



Nevermind, I found it......


I buy big house with welfare bucks!
:eek: :D

[paul_oshea]

Block, thats class. Only read it when I heard the abuse you were getting :)

[stann]

It did however bring a smile to my face when reading it

This is the part that made me go :eek:.
Awful effort in every way imaginable.

[Wangball]

Whats the difference between a Porshce & a dead prostitute????

There's no Porsche in my garage
-------
Whats the difference between a dead prostitute & an onion???

I cry chopping up onions
------
The only thing better than a good dead prostitute joke.....is 2 dead prostitue jokes

[strangeirish]

1. Go to the following site : http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

2. TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE.

3. TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE.

4. (Skip your e.mail addresses.)

4. Click on vizualizar and watch what happens.

It's safe for work. Pretty cool technology.

[sligoman]

Zookeeper tells Paddy that a gorilla is in heat and they need someone to have sex with her. He asks Paddy would he do the job for 500euro, Paddy says he will on three conditions:

1. He won't kiss it.
2. His family must never find out.
and 3. He'll need a few weeks to get the money together:D.
------------
Q.What did the ghost say to the bee?
A. Boo bee.

[deecay]

Zookeeper tells Paddy that a gorilla is in heat and they need someone to have sex with her. He asks Paddy would he do the job if they paid him 500euro, Paddy says he will on three conditions:

1. He won't kiss it.
2. His family must never find out.
and 3. He'll need a few weeks to get the money together:D.
Quality:)

[noby]

He asks Paddy would he do the job for 500euro, surely.

[paul_oshea]

huh noby?!

great second joke sligoman. class.