Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[smellyfeet]

I rear-ended a car this morning, on the way to work .....
I had a feeling it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, with an angry look on him, and I
thought, here we go -
And he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I'm NOT f***ing happy!"
I said,
"well which f**ing one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started. ...

[strangeirish]

Top 12 Country Songs

12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

7. I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's like You're Still Here

4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him

2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger

AND THE NUMBER ONE COUNTRY SONG IS: I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

[gustavo]

what about
I Cant Get Over You Till You Get Out From Under Me?

[strangeirish]

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in Miami Florida. Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: " . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

G: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: ".....What??"

RS: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... scrambled, please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I... don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes'
means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!.Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes,
an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No, just put the bodderon the side."

RS: "Wad?!?"

G: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh
and copy... rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tanjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome

[jebus]

There's a group in Facebook after being set up called 'If We Get 10,000 Members We'll Give Maddy Back'

Genuinely think that's funny, they're getting dogs abuse over there though

[paul_oshea]

whats red and white and goes beep beep, beep beep , beep beep?

The England open top bus reversing back into the garage.

[strangeirish]

whats red and white and goes beep beep, beep beep , beep beep?
The England open top bus reversing back into the garage.
Oh, I thought it was Green Tribe backing up!:D


*Goes back to hiding in the tall grass*

[BohsPartisan]

There's a group in Facebook after being set up called 'If We Get 10,000 Members We'll Give Maddy Back'

Genuinely think that's funny, they're getting dogs abuse over there though

Link?

[jebus]

Link?

I read about it over on Football365 Forums, I'll go into Facebook at home later on and find and post it (can't access Facebook at work)

[Green Tribe]

Oh, I thought it was Green Tribe backing up!:D


*Goes back to hiding in the tall grass*

:eek::mad:

[strangeirish]

:eek::mad:
Awww, don't get mad, get even!;)

[Green Tribe]

Awww, don't get mad, get even!;)

yeah i will don't worry! :D

[NavanBohs]

Whats the difference between a red brick and a redhead?

Red bricks get laid

[Bluebeard]

Whats the difference between a red brick and a redhead?

Red bricks get laid

Didn't realise so many of us on here were red-heads.

[Magicme]

No hair and red heads all of ye!

[Magicme]

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge then asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you f#ckers asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[Magicme]

The 1st Affair



A married man was having an affair with his secretary.




One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"







The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

"Not this time!"






The 3rd Affair



A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr.Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have something to show you you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed,

"Schwartz is dead!"



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."





The 5th Affair



A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.



He glanced at the menu and asked:

"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied:

"Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with

your wife ?"

The bartender replied:

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."






The 6th Affair


Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

[Bluebeard]

:D:D:D Classics Magicme!

[Sligo Hornet]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says.................












'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'
__________________

[Magicme]

:D:D Classics Magicme!

Courtesy of my mum! :eek:

[Sligo Hornet]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.



The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'



The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too. I didn't know we had a choice.'

This obviously doesn't apply to Ryanscare flights!

[strangeirish]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[CollegeTillIDie]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Classic ! :D

[CollegeTillIDie]

Here's a few for our Irish League brethern from John Pepper's marvellous book:

Q. What do you call 300 Bangor Solicitors chained to a barge at the bottom of Belfast Lough ?


A: A Good start!


Q: What do they do in Ballymena about Sex ?



A: They have their tea! ( you need to say it aloud in a Norn Iron accent)


Q: Why is sex before marriage frowned upon North of the border?


A: It crumples the dress and keeps the bride late for the ceremony

[First]

Two old women chatting at bingo.
One says to the other , "did you come on the bus"
Yes came the reply but I made it look like an asthma attack!

[CollegeTillIDie]

Two women talking one asks the other: '' Do you smoke after intercourse?''
The second one says: "I don't know I've never looked ......"

Two men talking to one another:'' Do you talk to your wife when you're making love?'' The second one says:'' Well if she telephones me I do'' :D

[CollegeTillIDie]

A dumbass cowboy rides into town starkers. The sheriff comes out of his office and sees this vista . Arrests him and brings him in for questioning.
The sheriff asks him'' What are you doing riding into town naked as a jaybird?"
The cowboy says '' Well Sheriff it was like this. I was riding on my horse through the desert I hadn't seen anybody for days or weeks. I was low on water and the horse was tired and it wasn't looking good. All of a sudden I stumbled on this fertile patch of ground. There was water and trees with fruits and stuff.I ate as much fruit as I could and drank as much water as I could , so did the horse and refilled my canteen and was ready to go again. I rested a spell and then I heard a woman's voice calling for help in the distance. Just on the edge of that place there was a woman with no clothes on and she was tied to stakes by her hands and her feet. She says to me ' Cowboy they call me sexy Sue, and if you free me I will let you do whatever you want to.' So I got my knife out and cut her ropes on her hands and feet and she was free and naked as the day she was born. She asked me to take all my clothes off , so I did. Then she got down on all fours stuck her ass in the air and asked me to go to town... well here I am.'' :D

[CollegeTillIDie]

A croaking man goes up to an Icecream van:
The Ice cream man says : What will it be?
The croaking man says: Could I have a Vanilla cone please?
The Ice cream man says: Do you want syrup with that?
The croaking man says : No thanks
The Ice cream man says: How about Chocolate sauce?
The croaking man says: No thanks
The Ice cream man asks: A Flake?
The croaking man says: No thanks
The Ice cream man asks: Crushed nuts?
The croaking man says: No I have laryngitis :D

[CollegeTillIDie]

Does any one know the one about the World's greatest lies?
I'll start the ball rolling:

1) The Cheque is in the post

[paul_oshea]

ive heard that joke for other types of people too...not nice!

How do you get 4 elephants into a mini?

2 in the front two in the back


How do you get an elephant into a fridge?

Open the door.
Put elephant in.
Close the door?


How do you get a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door.
take out the elephant
put in the giraffe.
close the door.

I cant remember the last one in that....

[Sligo Hornet]

Does any one know the one about the World's greatest lies?
I'll start the ball rolling:

1) The Cheque is in the post

2) College Till I Die

[2legged tackle]

Does any one know the one about the World's greatest lies?
I'll start the ball rolling:

1) The Cheque is in the post

3) I was going to, but i didn't get around to it.

[strangeirish]

3) I was going to, but i didn't get around to it.
4) We'll have a World class manager.
5) I'll pull out(Stephen Ireland...Ambiguity anyone?:D)

[2legged tackle]

Stan's gettin 800K for the next two years!:eek::eek::eek:

[Bluebeard]

Stan's gettin 800K for the next two years!:eek::eek::eek:

I almost reckon it's worth it to ensure he isn't picking the team. What kind of mug would appoint him in the first place.

[Green Tribe]

I almost reckon it's worth it to ensure he isn't picking the team. What kind of mug would appoint him in the first place.

check out the 2nd link on my sig :eek:

[Sligo Hornet]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a W****R!

[joeSoap]

Eddie O'Sullivan asked Graham Henry after Ireland failed to get into the Quarters... "Graham, What's the secret in selecting a great team?".


Pretty simple, replied Graham "I picked my players for their intelligence and asked them just one question".
"That simple?" said Eddie, "Yep", replied Graham, "pick one of my squad and see how he does".
Eddie thinks for a while then nominates Dan Carter. Graham calls him over & asks him,
"Who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?"
"Ah simple, Graham", says Dan, "it's me". "Well done Dan", says Graham, & Eddie is very impressed.


Eddie returns to the Hotel & wonders about the intelligence of his team. He calls in Brian O'Driscoll and says to asks him "Who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?"
Brian thinks & thinks & doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Eddie & I'll give you an answer tomorrow?".
"Of course", says Eddie, "you've got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer".
Brian goes away, thinks as hard as he can, & then he calls in his team mates.


Paul O'Connell thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure.
D'arcy was certain that it couldn't be anyone.
Peter Stringer refused to answer in case he was sacked for not knowing.
Isaac Boss owned up to having already failed the test and that's why he had to come to play for Ireland.
Andrew Trimble thought it would be an Uncle in England who had been adopted as a child.
Ronan O'Gara went into the fetal position.
The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess.

20 hours later, Brian is very worried that he still has no answer with only 4 hours to go.

Eventually, Brian thinks: I know, I'll ring Keith Wood; he's bloody smart, and will surely know the answer.
He phones Keith. "Keith, tell me, who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?
Very simple says Keith, "it's me".
Of course, says Brian and rings Eddie. "Eddie", I've got the answer: "it's Keith Wood".
"No, you idiot", says Eddie. "It's Dan Carter."

[Lev Yashin]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

This is my life...and im only 26.....wow...what a life i have in front of me!!!:D

[Bluebeard]

Eddie O'Sullivan asked Graham Henry after Ireland failed to get into the Quarters... "Graham, What's the secret in selecting a great team?".


Pretty simple, replied Graham "I picked my players for their intelligence and asked them just one question".
"That simple?" said Eddie, "Yep", replied Graham, "pick one of my squad and see how he does".
Eddie thinks for a while then nominates Dan Carter. Graham calls him over & asks him,
"Who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?"
"Ah simple, Graham", says Dan, "it's me". "Well done Dan", says Graham, & Eddie is very impressed.


Eddie returns to the Hotel & wonders about the intelligence of his team. He calls in Brian O'Driscoll and says to asks him "Who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?"
Brian thinks & thinks & doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Eddie & I'll give you an answer tomorrow?".
"Of course", says Eddie, "you've got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer".
Brian goes away, thinks as hard as he can, & then he calls in his team mates.


Paul O'Connell thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure.
D'arcy was certain that it couldn't be anyone.
Peter Stringer refused to answer in case he was sacked for not knowing.
Isaac Boss owned up to having already failed the test and that's why he had to come to play for Ireland.
Andrew Trimble thought it would be an Uncle in England who had been adopted as a child.
Ronan O'Gara went into the fetal position.
The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess.

20 hours later, Brian is very worried that he still has no answer with only 4 hours to go.

Eventually, Brian thinks: I know, I'll ring Keith Wood; he's bloody smart, and will surely know the answer.
He phones Keith. "Keith, tell me, who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?
Very simple says Keith, "it's me".
Of course, says Brian and rings Eddie. "Eddie", I've got the answer: "it's Keith Wood".
"No, you idiot", says Eddie. "It's Dan Carter."
:D:D:D

[strangeirish]

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,
so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the
register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us,
was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the
checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could
have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was Sligoman. He thought what he had seen
was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a
live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till
he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up
The Intercom and said...
















'Mop and bucket, Till 5':D

[paul_oshea]

i dont know if i told this one before but here goes:


this fella who has had a few drinks and goes into Tesco to buy some more beer, as he is standing in the queue he notices this young woman with a basket full of food in front of him. As she starts to empty the contents of her basket onto the conveyor belt, he notices that she has half pint of milk, small loaf, half butter tub, 1 chicken curry ready meal for 1, 1 pasta meal for 1 and so on and so forth. The man then looks at her and says "you are single aren't you?!" , the woman slightly taken aback but at the same time shocked and suprised notices a slight smell of drink, she turns back round to the guy and says "how did you know that?"

He turns and looks at the shopping and then looks to her and says "Because your ugly!" :D

my jokes are definately the best, those long winded ones are crap.

[strangeirish]

my jokes are definately the best, those long winded ones are crap.
Change the channel ye grumpy looking Angelina Jolie wannabee...:D...And, your jokes are shoite! Now,


A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.” Thanks, says the guy, “It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.”
“Rubbish,” says the girl.
“No, it’s true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.”
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.”
“Well, it’s wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”
“Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it’s an hour fast!”

[paul_oshea]

This fella walks into a bar and he says to the bar man, I could fcuk any girl in here, the bar man turns round to him and says, fancy yourself as a bit of a ladies man do ye, he goes "me, no, I'm a ...."

[CollegeTillIDie]

A list of the World's greatest lies

1) The Cheque is in the post

2) I was going to, but i didn't get around to it.

3) We'll have a World class manager.

4) I'll pull out(Stephen Ireland...Ambiguity anyone?)

5) My granny's dead

6) No not that one the other one

7) ''This won't hurt at all ,'' said the dentist :D

[Torn-Ado]

Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

One was the first person to walk on the moon and the other is a paedophile.

[strangeirish]

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do you spell 'dumb'?" Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb".
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence".
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb".The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'".
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid".
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence".
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid".
When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says,
"Buckwheat, spell dictate".
Buckwheat stands and says, "dee-eye-see-tee-a-tee-e, dictate".
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence".
Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I's may be dumb and I's may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
:D:D

[paul_oshea]

Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

One was the first person to walk on the moon and the other is a paedophile.

class :D

[gustavo]

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful."

[Lev Yashin]

Why did Cmdr. Uhura leave star trek???


Cause William Shatner :D