Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[strangeirish]

Einstein's birthday is March 14. He would now be 127. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.:D

[Pauro 76]

The weather here is crap at the moment. Its like being a Muslim in Iraq. Either Sunni or Shi-ite.

[paul_oshea]

classic.

that will be my new line.

[Pauro 76]

classic.

that will be my new line.

Stolen off some comic at the Edinburgh festival. Great gag though!

[anto1208]

This is my new favourite joke

I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said "No, but i've told a donkey to f*ck off

[declan hide]

This is my new favourite joke

I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said "No, but i've told a donkey to f*ck off

top drawer! :D

[DIFChick]

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says :

"Well, that's great.........that's really great ....... some a***hole has got my pen."

[strangeirish]

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says :
"Well, that's great.........that's really great ....... some a***hole has got my pen."
:D..I likes that one.

[DIFChick]

Me likes it too! Felt I had to contribute with something seeing as it is Friday and sunny :D

I used to work in health care at home, so have loads of hospital jokes. Here's another one.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...


A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

...I'll get me coat...

[paul_oshea]

teacher is explaining to a class that we were created by God. Little kid pipes up to say, "But my mum says we're descended from apes!"

Teacher replies "I wasn't fcuking talking to you Leroy" :D
------------------
Little sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mum,"frank brown showed me his willy2day" b4 mum could protest sally said "it reminded me of a peanut!" , Mum says "really small was it sally??"

Sally says "No salty!".

DIFChick, was the nurse female :D i hope so for his sake ;)

[anto1208]

How do you make a Venetian blind?

Poke him in the eye.


A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "F*ck off, you won't bring it back."



I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.

So I pushed her over!

[DIFChick]

Little sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mum,"frank brown showed me his willy2day" b4 mum could protest sally said "it reminded me of a peanut!" , Mum says "really small was it sally??"

Sally says "No salty!".


DIFChick, was the nurse female :D i hope so for his sake ;)

Ah sure it's part of the job but I've been a nurses aid too long to fall for stuff like that. :D

[DIFChick]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[strangeirish]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses." The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."



Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

[sligoman]

A friend of mine got his tongue shot off in the war...he never talks about it:D

[humpmeister7]

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

[anto1208]

My girlfriend said to me, "You could at least wait until I get wet before you shag me!"

So I threw her in the river.


Two paddies find a mirror in the road, first one picks it up and says "I know this face but can't put a name to it." Second one picks it up and says "it's me you daft *******!"


What is the difference between a midget and a freak?

Political correctness



I'm very proud of my Grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Admittedly that was in 1972 but you can never be too careful.

[jebus]

Why do people consider night watchmen to be bums?

Because they've never worked a day in their lives!

[paul_oshea]

not really a joke but a good line:

"jees i was on the beer all weekend, and i was sweating like a dyslexic on countdown all night last night!" or sweating like a priest in a playground, paedo in a playground, priest in a hoor house etc etc. Anyone have any better?

[Risteard]

Ya, 969 of them.

[DmanDmythDledge]

not really a joke but a good line:

"jees i was on the beer all weekend, and i was sweating like a dyslexic on countdown all night last night!" or sweating like a priest in a playground, paedo in a playground, priest in a hoor house etc etc. Anyone have any better?
Sweating like a paedo in a Barney suit.

[paul_oshea]

Sweating like a paedo in a Barney suit.

I like that one :D

[pineapple stu]

Sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop is the standard, I thought?

[Newryrep]

Not so much a joke but very funny.

Spoof entries in Queen Mum Book of condolences

"A heartfelt tribute Ultra Bronco Spaniel.


"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
- L.Ward, Mansfield.

"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".
- A.Christie,Hendon.

"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shi*.
- J.Clement. Grantham.

"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
- D.Holmes, Somerset.

"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She ****ed herself later though, it was sickening".
- B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".
- L. J.Worthington, Penrith

"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
- S.Wilson, Bristol.

"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
- E. Franks, Cheshire.

"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
- W.Waugh, Richmond.

"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".
- N. Wallace, Swansea.

"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
- E. Thompson, West Lothian.

"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
- P.McGregor, Southampton.

"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
- R. Thompson, Bath.

"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried"
- E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
- R. Combes, Romford.

"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard"
- G. Hollins, East Sussex.

"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not true' she said, 'you don't smell of ****'. She was a wondrous person".
- E.Collier, London.

"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
- G.Williams, West Midlands.

"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
- L. Weller, Harlow.

"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless *******!"
- J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort"
- T.D.Wainwright, Hastings."

[the 12 th man]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one.

[dcfc1985]

Pavarotti's family have rang round a few funeral parlours and asked if they can have a funeral for a tenor..they told them to f*ck off and hung up.
:D

[smellyfeet]

Went into the butchers the other day and he said "I'll sell ya 8 legs of Venison for 60 quid",

I said "No, it was too deer".

[dcfc1985]

not really a joke but a good line:

"jees i was on the beer all weekend, and i was sweating like a dyslexic on countdown all night last night!" or sweating like a priest in a playground, paedo in a playground, priest in a hoor house etc etc. Anyone have any better?

I'm sweating like Ron Atkinson at the Notting Hill carnival ;):D

[loscherland]

So pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates......
St peter opens them and says 'oh it's you luciano, come on in. squeeze
through'.
pavarotti says 'hold on, i've got an envelope for you, from the pope.'
st peter opens it up and reads it….







….





….





….







….







….







….



….





….





….







….












…….

…….



…….

…….

'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'

[shedite]

Some podge and rodge quotes:

You’re as welcome as a f@rt in a spacesuit……..

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician……….

As funny as a burning orphanage………

He's so camp, he sh1tes tent pegs…………

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes……….

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn……..

Sweatin' like a pedophile in a Barney suit……….

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty kn1ckers to the laundry. ?????

A m1ckey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard……….

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche…………

Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her………..

A sniper wouldn't take her out………..

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle……..

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one………

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p1ss off a nettle…….

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede………

If I'd a garden full of Mickey’s I wouldn't let her look over the wall…….

She grabs that pole like Brian Kennedy in a m1ckey factory……
I'm as sick as a small hospital

I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child

She had a face on her like a well slapped a*se

My mouth's as dry as a nuns cr@ck

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup

I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

As busy as the dalkey dole office

As tight as a nun's kn1ckers

I'm so h0rny I'd get up on the crack of dawn

Up and down like a hoor's kn1ckers

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt

I left her with a face like a painters radio

As fit as a butcher's dog

Not even the tide would take her out

Daz wouldn't shift her

Des Kelly wouldn't lay her

[Anto McC]

Whats Pavorotti's wife getting for Xmas?
A smaller turkey

Whats the difference between Robert Murat and a child murderer?
About 200 yards.

[dfx-]

Whats the difference between Robert Murat and a child murderer?
About 200 yards.

:D :o Why are the wrong ones funnier?

[brendy_éire]

I just got a text from Plácido Domingo and José Carreras asking for a lend of a tenner. What's that about?

What's worse than Michael Jackson babysitting your children?
The McCanns taking them on holiday.

[anto1208]

This i thought was very funny

[Magicme]

Pavarotti dies and gets to the gates of Heaven. St Peter leads him up to God and says "here's the Tenor I owed you"

[Risteard]

Is there any Pavarotti jokes without the tenner pun?

I've one at the moment for anyone that wants to be apalled.

[paul_oshea]

pm me

[anto1208]

Is there any Pavarotti jokes without the tenner pun?

I've one at the moment for anyone that wants to be apalled.

Whats pavarotti's wife getting for christmass ?

A smaller Turkey

i dont think any of the pavarotti jokes are any good most are just the same old jokes with his name instead of the last guy .

[loscherland]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise."


The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?"

she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the

pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little
eyes looking around before it slams down.



Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.



"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."












"Ah! So solly," says the waiter,

"I bring you

Peeking Duck!"

[gustavo]

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!"
.

[biscuit]

What's worse than Michael Jackson babysitting your children?
The McCanns taking them on holiday.

Jesus, i spit me tea all over the screen....fuppin hilarious!!:D:D

[inexile]

renault have designed a new version of people carrier so large and spacious you would even hear a person scream in the back, they have called it ..................
the renault mccann

ill get my coat

[Raheny Red]

renault have designed a new version of people carrier so large and spacious you would even hear a person scream in the back, they have called it ..................
the renault mccann

ill get my coat

Got this text last night and I thought it was great tbh

Renault have just introduced their new family car to the world. You put your kids in the back they disappear! It's called the Renault Mccann

[anto1208]

Whats black and annoyed ?


Bernard Mannings reincarnation



A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men"... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.


Irish prostitute in the police station.
Desk officer says " When did you realise you were raped?"
She says " When the f*****g cheque bounced!"

[Block G Raptor]

Osama Bin Laden has released a video supposedly proving that he is still alive. In he states that Cork were sh!t on Sunday. The Irish government have refused to comfirm the authenticity of it stating that the video could have been recorded any time in the last 25 years!



Portuguese police involved in the Madeline McCann investigation have been called to Ireland to aid Gardai in their search for the Cork goalkeeper

[anto1208]

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are gone. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled one.

[DmanDmythDledge]

What do northsiders use for protection during sex?

A bus stop

[NavanBohs]

On that note if anyone wants to hear the most offensive Maddy McCann joke to date than PM me and I'll get back to you, I won't post it up here because it will cause offence to some, it has nearly led to myself or one of mates getting hit in random bars

have to hear this...go on send us a PM...cheers

[biscuit]

whats the difference between gary glitter and the Mccanns....

Gary Glitter comes home from holidays with more kids than when he left with.

-------------------------------------------------------

Whats blue and fu cks old grannies........ pneumonia:o:o

[Risteard]

Jose Mourinho has landed on his feet, well not quite with a position as a chief engineer for NASA on the International Space Station. Speaking at a press conference in Houston, the portuguese pronounced
"Please do not call me arrogant but i am a spatial one."