Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[hamish]

Signs You Are No Longer a Kid

You're asleep, but others think you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You are proud of your cooker.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 3 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" :o
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You wear black socks with sandals. :o
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. ;)
You get Sky for the Shopping Channels.
You can go out on the town without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even hear it.

[strangeirish]

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, you think ye have problems, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I pee like a horse. Every morning at 8:00 I sh*t like a cow, then at 9.00 I wake up."

[strangeirish]

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!"

The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding... not yours."


A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge!

[hamish]

Hamish and Strangeirish in the woods.:eek:

Hamish and Strangeirish didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Strangeirish immediately wished that all the other people in the forest were females.

The frog granted his wish. Hamish after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.

One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Strangeirish was amazed at Hamish's wish, but carried on with his second wish.

He wished that all the people in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Hamish then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Strangeirish could not believe it and complained that Hamish had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.

Shaking his head, Strangeirish made his final wish, that all the other people in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Hamish for his last wish.

Hamish revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Strangeirish was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

:p :D

[strangeirish]

:D :D :D .....Tit!

[strangeirish]

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Hamish, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said,
"If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus.":cool:

[hamish]

SOME ARE NSFW
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic134.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic125.htm

Strangeirish interviews for a secretary:D
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic93.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic213.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic207.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic201.htm :D

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic99.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic98.htm

Love is eternal
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/pic.htm :D

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/pic3.htm

Why is Martha so keen on rock climbing?
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic112.htm

How Chocholate Twirls are made
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic107.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic104.htm

Watch your hand...oooops
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic114.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic23.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic26.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic11.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic135.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic17.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic21.htm

Supersize me
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic8.htm

Hamish asks his Missus for a feel
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic7.htm

[hamish]

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Two priest's were taking a p!ss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn't that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. I'm down to two butts a day"! :eek:

[Magicme]

Only plays one song though

"Thanks for the mammaries"

Getting coat....:D

Or "Mammaries are a load of tits" (to the tune of Memories are made of this)

I'll get my coat.....not coz my joke is bad but to stop u lot starring at my tits!:D

[hamish]

Or "Mammaries are a load of tits" (to the tune of Memories are made of this)

I'll get my coat.....not coz my joke is bad but to stop u lot starring at my tits!

"Starring" at your tits? Is that some kind of position??:p
Anyway, I'm no good for you today Magicme amigo, just had a guided nerve bloc and am - literally - dead from the waist down.:o :(

[pineapple stu]

from the waste down.:o :(
Rather unfortunate pun/typo...:eek:

[hamish]

Got this in a BBC Newsnight email today

An eleven-year-old who was sitting in the bath.

His mum came in and the boy looked down at his genitalia, asking her "are those my brains?"

"No," his mum replied. "Not yet, dear."

:D

[sligoman]

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

[strangeirish]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17 . You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[strangeirish]

A Small Farm Boy

A little boy came down to breakfast, since they live on a farm his
mother asks if he had done his chores; "not yet", says the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well he is a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens,
and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks
a pig. He goes to feed the cow and he kicks a cow. He goes back
for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How comes I don't get any eggs and bacon?
"Well" his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken so you don't
get any eggs for a week; I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any
bacon for a week either; I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week
you aren't getting any milk."
Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks pussy-cat
halfway across the kitchen.



The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Magicme]

My new favourite joke.....

What do you call a deer who can use both its left and right legs?









BABMIDEXTROUS!

[paul_oshea]

should that not read bambidextrous?

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Damn!

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop?
An amish drive-by shooting

How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

[Magicme]

Oops Paul was laughing too hard to spell right!

[Ash]

Q. Why do farts smell?

A. So deaf people can appreciate them too :D

Boom Boom!

[John83]

Not a joke as such, but here's a cool optical illusion (http://www.johnsadowski.com/big_spanish_castle.html).

[Peadar]

...here's a cool optical illusion (http://www.johnsadowski.com/big_spanish_castle.html).

That's fairly cool alright...

[strangeirish]

Tough Love vs. Spanking

Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children as was the preferred method of yesteryear. I recently heard from a friend who has tried other methods to control their kids when they have one of "those moments."

One method that she found very effective was to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calmed down and stopped misbehaving after their little outing together.

I've included the photo below of one of those sessions with my friend's son in case you would like to use the technique.

[strangeirish]

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included
admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a
cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen
or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking
French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have
to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.

[strangeirish]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
:D :D

[liam88]

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."

"One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me."

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."

:D :D

[gustavo]

Theres more of them here :)
http://snl.jt.org/deep/index.phtml?i=1

They were from Jack Handey

[Drogman.]

Disgusting, insensitive and offensive-haven't seen anything like this from you before but another post like that and I'll speak to Adam about it,
Liam

[joeSoap]

Up till that last one this thread was really funny. Can someone remove that filth, and restore the thread to being funny??

[First]

Up till that last one this thread was really funny. Can someone remove that filth, and restore the thread to being funny??


I second that .......mods do your thing:)

[strangeirish]

John was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona
when he saw an elderly Navajo Indian walking on the side of the road. As the
trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo
Indian if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the
journey, John tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo
Indian. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything in the
car, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to John.
"What in bag?" asked the old man.
John looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it
for my wife."
The Navajo Indian was silent for another moment. Then speaking with the
quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, "Good trade."

[liam88]

until he noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to John.


Surely John would have put the bag on the back seat so the Indian could sit next to him? Why would he make him sit in the back? If he was in the back surely the Indian would have had to lean quite far foward to see what was on the front seat-was he wearing a seatbelt?

[strangeirish]

Surely John would have put the bag on the back seat so the Indian could sit next to him? Why would he make him sit in the back? If he was in the back surely the Indian would have had to lean quite far foward to see what was on the front seat-was he wearing a seatbelt?
What made you think he was in the back seat?

[strangeirish]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

1 half-gallon of 2% milk

1 carton of eggs

1 quart of orange juice

1 head of romaine lettuce

2 lb. can of coffee

1lb package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the guy's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said," Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that"?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

LMAO....:D

[drinkfeckarse]

That's a good one :D

[paul_oshea]

i heard that one before. but its quality.

[liam88]

What made you think he was in the back seat?
Well John would be sitting in the drives seat and if the bag is on the seat next to him the Indian cannae be sitting there-if he was sharing the seat with the bag the joke would have read "he noticed a brown bag on the seat he was sitting on" not "he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to John." The only other explanation is John was in a Lorry/van with three front seats but still you wouldn't think he'd drive one to a business trip-furthermore the joke would then read "he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to him" as the Indian is the subject so gramatically if the seat is next to both John and the Indian it would be reffered to in relation to the Indian (though you might want to get dcfcsteve to clarify that ;) ) so personally i'm pretty dubious.....

[DmanDmythDledge]

Jokes don't have to make perfect sense.:rolleyes:

[strangeirish]

It was a two seater car. See (http://www.lbl.gov/Publications/Currents/Archive/view-assets/Mar-05-2004/electric_car.jpg):eek: :D

[tricky_colour]

Sad News.

Last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey"
died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin.They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.:D

[strangeirish]

Loving Husband


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife was really ****ed. She told him "Tomorrow
morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes
from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out the window and
sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the
middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found
a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday

[strangeirish]

Some Rules of Manhood!!!

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss's car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37
seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his friends

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden.
However, complain at will if the temperature is
unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional.

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the
weakest.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
sunning on a tropical beach......and only if it's free.

Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.....Ever. Issue
closed


If a man's fly is down, that's his problem; you didn't see

anything.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively-dressed woman
must remain
sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza,
but not both; that's just greedy.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about
his choice of
beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.



Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom while urinating. If someone
next to
you breaks this rule, a simple grunt, while staring straight
ahead
is all
the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up
if necessary.

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a
friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex:D :D , the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is
no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about love comes around.

It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not
acceptable for
her
to drive yours.

Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green,
orange or sky blue.

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an X-box. End
of
story.

[strangeirish]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because
you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required
to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would
take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but
it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things."

"Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and
glorify Me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside;
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment; why she
cries; what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can
make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge."

[strangeirish]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway
in Germany. A man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks,
"What's going on?" The man tells him, "Terrorists
have kidnapped three England fans for a 10 million
euro ransom or they're going to douse them
with petrol and set them on fire. We're going
from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone
giving, on average?"

The man replies, "About two gallons..."
:D

[Aldini98]

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked
if




he would ever go down on one knee again ............




In response he said, ''I'd prefer it if you called her Heather.''

[Raheny Red]

;) :D :p

[Magicme]

Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has
been my crutch for so long," she cried. In an earlier briefing, she
said "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm completely stumped."
-----------------------------
"She's running around in circles," according to a close friend. "She
will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy to walk
out on a relationship like this.
-----------------------------
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to
the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world,
amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles,
and subsequent musical collaborations. If an agreement hasn't been
signed, it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.
----------------------------
Rumours that abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. "She's terrible," a source stated, "always trying
to get her leg over".
---------------------------
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it any more," a friend said. "He would
get home at night and find her legless."
----------------------------
Many have attributed this to a problem that started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new
prosthetic leg for Christmas, but that was just a stocking-filler. The
main gift was a plane, but he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.
---------------------------
Lyric by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all aquiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.
----------------------------
A miner in Tasmania loses a leg in a mine accident. He says to his
mate "Now I'm stuffed, who will want a one-legged gold-digger?" His
mate says: "Try Paul McCartney."
-----------------------------
Q. What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A. The McCartneys
-----------------------------
These jokes are funny, but please spare a thought for Paul. Now she
has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman to fill her
shoe.

[paul_oshea]

why did mickey mouse dump minny?

cos she was fcuken goofy.

[Pauro 76]

Did you hear about the two Irish gay guys?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael....

[strangeirish]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.":eek: :D

[strangeirish]

Need Samples
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."