Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[hamish]

Q: What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A: A robber snatches watches.

Advertising break - safe to enter BTW
http://www.santabanta.com/jokes.asp?catid=6903

Q.How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What did one gay frog say to the other?
A: Rub-it Rub-it :D

Q: What did one vampire lesbian say the the other?
A: See you next month. :eek:

Q: What do the gynecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.:D

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

Q: Why do men always give their penis a name?
A: Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant

Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. LMAO

Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.

[DmanDmythDledge]

A Cuban, a Scot, a Romanian, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage
on a train. The Cuban lights up this enormous cuban cigar. About 12
inches long, worth about €800. Takes one short drag from
it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full cuban cigar. He replies, "I'm from Cuba, I have thousands of those things back home".

A few minutes later the Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells,
Whiskey, a 50 years old bottle, worth a fortune. He takes a short
measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window. The other three in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt scottish whiskey, he replies,
"I'm Scottish, I have thousands of those things at home".

A few minutes later, the Irishman throws the Romanian out the
window!

[strangeirish]

Classic :D :D

[hamish]

Gary Glitter comes home to find his girlfriend furiously packing her bags ready to leave him. He asks her what's wrong? She replies that she has been reading the newspapers and that she wanted nothing to do with a paedophile!!!!
Gary Replies "Paedophile?, that's an awfully big word for a 10 year old!!!!"

George Bush and Tony Blair are having some high-level talks in the back room of The White House. In walks Laura Bush.
"Hello boys, what are you two scheming about now?" she asks.
"Well honey, we're about to carry out plans that will ensure the deaths of 100 million Muslims and one dentist." says George W.
"One dentist? Why one dentist?" asks his missus.
Blair pats Bush on the back and says "See, George? I told you no one would give a fcuk about the Muslims!"

An ex-prostitute is getting on married. As the couple get into the honeymoon bed she starts to worry about the size of her well-worn fah-knee. She tells her startled hubby she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he asks "Just how far across this fcuking field were you before you realised it was caught?"

Simon Weston is organising a reunion of all burns victims from the Falklands War.
For more info, go to www.friends re-ignited.com.

A Sligo man is walking down the street one night when a pro says to him,
"Do ya fancy a bit of that?" and lifts her skirt up to show crotchless panties and fah-knee. "Fcuk that" says the Sligo man "Have you seen what its done to your knickers?". :D

One good thing came out of Christopher Reeves death. Stephen Hawking got his parking space back.

Apparently, all the kids in Vietnam are going round singing, Do ya wanna be in my gang,my gang, my gang?"

A farmer is loking really p!ssed of in his local pub when his friend asks him whats wrong. "I can't get the bull to mate with the cows", he says. His friend says, "Well, I have a tip for you.when you get home,r ub your hand over the cows c.unt and smear it over the bulls nose and he will ride them senseless. So the farmer goes home and does as his friend says and sure enough,the bull is riding every cow in site. So the farmer thinks, "If it works for the bull,then I'll try it on the wife tonight". So that night while his wife is asleep, he slides into bed and rubs his hand over his wifes fah-knee and smears it over his nose. He gets a raging hard on and then nudges his wife in the ribs and says, "Take a look at this". His wife switches the lamp on,turns round, looks at him and says, "You woke me up just to show me you have a nose bleed."

What's the fastest vehicle on land?
Stevie wonders speedboat.

In what situation has a Tennis match ended at love-all?
When Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles played each other.

A Northsider dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.
"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.
St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!" :D

Q: Why do Northsiders hate blowjobs?
A: Because it's a job!

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and give him a blowjob.

Q: What is the difference between a mansion and a naughty girl?
A: I have never been inside a mansion.

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would also know what it's like to live with an irritating c.unt.

Q: What turns a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS!

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't f.art when you pull the meat out.

Q: What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the ass.

Q. What's the worst thing you can call a Corky Boy?
A. Neighbour.

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."
Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"
Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.
Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.
Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Pull yourself together, Hey, look at me. LOOK AT ME." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says,
"Ah, sure, I'm just coddin' ya, she's dead."

What was red and had more brains than Kurt Cobain?
The wall behind him.

A father is giving some advice to his son. He tells him that there are five important qualities you look for in a woman to enjoy a relationship.
Firstly, you must find a woman who can cook, clean, and look after the kids.
Secondly, you must find a woman who is dirty in bed, loves giving a blow-job and anal sex!!!
Thirdly, you must find a woman who has a lot in common with you, so you can have a good laugh and talk about life
Fourthly, you must find a woman who has plenty of money to look after you to the standard you are accustomed to.
And finally, this is VERY VERY VERY important son.........Never under any circumstances must these 4 women ever meet!!!!!!

Monica Lewinski is coming out with a new Book titled "What really goes down at the Oval Office"

A Northsider walks into an employment agency.
"Hello, I really really wanna job. Do you have anything?" he asks.
The woman behind the desk looks up and replies; "You're in luck! One just came in. A multi-billionaire needs a driver to drive him around. He's only here one week out of the year, the rest of the time the top-of-the-line-car is yours. But you do have to look after his twin, model, nymphomaniac daughters whilst he's away. And this job pays 300k a year. Interested?"
The Northsider starts to smile. "Come on... you're bullsh!tting me right?"
The woman looks up and says "Well, you started it."

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered
that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a
hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her
lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a
hair lip.
And, there were still 5 shaves left!

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or
an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says, "We're
going to have to do this over and over
again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this
over your mouth and nose, and breath normally.":D

I knew George Best was dead before it was announced.
As I walked past my local butchers I saw the sign: "Best liver for sale".

Q - Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A - Cos his wife died!

[paul_oshea]

i dont know where you get them hamish, but there is some quality ones there....

i heard the romanian one. feck a mate of mine sent a great radio phone in from ireland about most embarrassing moments and i cant find it...

[A face]

Anniversary - A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday



Chest complaint - Woman goes to the doctor with tight chest, wheezing and out of breath, doctor has a look and gives prescription.

Woman goes home and husband asks how she got on, wife says fine, I told him what was wrong with my chest, but strangely enough after he gave me a check over he said I had a nice fanny !!

Husband goes storming into doctors demanding to know what's going on saying that my wife comes in with a bad chest and you tell her she's got a nice fanny. Doctor replies - no, no I told your wife she had acute angina

[sligoman]

50C degrees
People in Ireland turn on the central heating
People in Manchester plant out bedding plants

40C degrees
The Irish shiver uncontrollably
Geordies sunbathe on the beach

35C degrees
Cars in Ireland refuse to start
People in Liverpool drive with their windows down

20C degrees
Irish wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Preston men throw on a T-shirt & girls start wearing
mini-skirts

15C degrees
Irish begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dover swim in the Sea

0 C degrees
Life in Ireland grinds to a halt
London folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

Minus 10C degrees
Life in Ireland ceases to exist
People in Birmingham throw on a light jacket

Minus 80C degrees
Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Leicester start wearing their long trousers

Minus 100C degrees
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Portsmouth put on their 'long johns'

Minus 173C degrees
Alcohol freezes
Yorkshire people get upset because all the pubs are shut

Minus 297C degrees
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Southampton complain about farmers with cold hands

Minus 460C degrees
All atomic motion stops
The population of Brighton stamp their feet and blow on their hands

Minus 500C degrees
Hell freezes over
England win the World Cup:D :p

[John83]

50C degrees It's degrees Celsius, not Celsius degrees, and it stops around -273°C. Even Farenheit doesn't go that low.

[Schumi]

The figures were obviously in Farenheit originally. Turning heating on at 50ºC doesn't make much sense and -460ºF is absolute zero give or take.

[John83]

The figures were obviously in Farenheit originally. Turning heating on at 50ºC doesn't make much sense and -460ºF is absolute zero give or take.
That's what I though, but -500F isn't possible either, so it's a poor improvement. What dip**** took Farenheit and altered it to Celsius without any conversion anyway?

[Schumi]

That's what I though, but -500F isn't possible either, so it's a poor improvement.:rolleyes: That's the joke.

England win the World CupGet it now? :rolleyes:

Ooh. I'm allowed one more: :rolleyes:

[John83]

:rolleyes: That's the joke... I'll have the hit the smilie limit in reply. It's not merely weak, it's obscure (who knows Farenheit these days?), badly converted and long. Frankly, it would have made a weak one liner. :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[strangeirish]

1.A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!":rolleyes:

2.At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing.":D

[hamish]

LMAO - great doctor joke OSO:D

About a month after God created Adam and Eve, he decides to stop by the Garden to see how they are doing. He comes upon Adam and asks "How are thing going with you and Eve."
Adam replies, "Well, everything was going just great until a few days ago. Then Eve started getting moody and cranky. She hasn't been very cooperative and neither of us understands why. Now this morning she woke up to find blood all over her legs."
God asks "Where is Eve? I need to talk to her."
Adam replies "She went down to the river to get cleaned up."
God replies "Oh no! I'll never get that smell out of the fish."


On the Second day God says to Adam, "I have some good news... and some bad news."
Adam responds, "Well tell me the good news first."
"Alright my son, the good news is I will give you both a brain and a pen!s... the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time."


After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?"
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy
that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want
you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"'
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"


There was three nuns who died and went to purgatory(between heaven and hell). Then ST. Peter went up to them and said, "before any of you can enter heaven you must answer one question".
So ST. Peter went to the first nun and asked, "how long did it take for God to create the world?" the nun replied, "seven days". So there was bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter heaven".
Then ST. Peter ask the second nun, "who were the first man and woman"? the nun replied, "Adam & Eve". so there was bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter heaven".
Then he asked the third nun, "what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" and the nun said, "oh my that's really hard", then there was bells ringing and fireworks.

[strangeirish]

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men."
She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl.
"Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

[strangeirish]

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow." :D

[osarusan]

A woman has been in a coma for a long time, and her husbans comes to visit here every day, but he has almost given up hope that she will recover.

One day the hospital staff are giving here the usual sponge bath, and when they put the sponge between her legs, she seems to show some flicker of life and her pulse speeds up a little.

The doctors call the husband into the hospital and tell him the news. He cant see why they are so excited. So the doctor spells it out for him -"We believe that oral sex might actually be beneficial for her". The husband thinks this is ridiculous, and refuses outright. But the hospital staff convince him that he really has nothing to lose, and finally, still muttering protests, he agrees to do it.

He goes into the ward. and the curtains are pulled around them for privacy, while all the doctors wait outside.

As the doctors listen, they can hear the womans pulse going.....
BEEP..........BEEP..........BEEP...........BEEP... .......BEEP..........BEEP, and slowly it gets faster.........BEEP.......BEEP......BEEP....BEEP.. .BEEP..BEEP.BEEP.BEEP

The doctors are delighted, as their plan is working.

THen, suddenly,

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEP.

They pull back the curtains to see the husband looking at them furiously.

I knew it, he says,

"I bloody choked her".

[strangeirish]

Oldie but still good...:D

[paul_oshea]

A radio station in Ireland ran a phone - in competition to find the
most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four
were:





4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself
right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the
eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'if you don't let me go
right now, I'll tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last
night'. After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of
my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard as the door shut behind me were screams of laughter.





3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at
home, but my

parents had gone out for the evening, so i invited my
girlfriend over for a
romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love,
we heard the
telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend
that I give her
a
piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to
miss the call we
didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom
of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people
yelled 'SURPRISE'.
My
entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles,
cousins as well as my
friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were
frozen on the spot
in
a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an
eternity. Since
then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.





2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she
finally
got to
the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no
price tag.
The
checkout girl got on the public address system, which
boomed out across the
store for everyone to hear, 'PRICE CHECK FOR TAMPAX
SUPERSIZE'. But it got
worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word
'Tampax' for the 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business
like tone, his
voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you
want the kind
you
push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a
hammer?'

[Magicme]

Little Aaron, who was Jewish, was doing very badly in math. His
parents
> > >>had
> > >>tried everything: tutors, and everything else they could think of.
> Finally
> > >>in a last ditch effort, they took Aaron and enrolled him in the local
> > >>Catholic school.
> > >>
> > >>After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look
on
> > >>his
> > >>face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his
room
> > >>and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the
room
> > >>and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
> > >>
> > >>His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he
was
> > >>done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was
> back
> > >>hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day
> after
> > >>day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
> > >>
> > >>Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it
> on
> > >>the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great
> > >>trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron
got
> an
> > >>A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his
room
> > >>and
> > >>said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
> > >>
> > >>Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.
> > >>
> > >>"Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the
> > >>books, the uniforms??
> > >>
> > >>"No", said little Aaron.
> > >>
> > >>WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.
> > >>
> > >>Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school,
> > >>when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't
fooling
> > >>around."
>

[sligoman]

It's degrees Celsius, not Celsius degrees, and it stops around -273°C. Even Farenheit doesn't go that low.Trust the UCD fans to turn this thread into an education lesson:rolleyes:.

[Magicme]

The National Poetry Contest Had Come Down To
Two , A Yale Graduate And A Redneck From East Texas.
They Were Given A Word, Then Allowed Two Minutes To
Study The Word And Come Up With A Poem That
Contained The Word. The Word They Were Given Was
Timbuktu.

First To Recite His Poem Was The Yale Graduate. He
Stepped To The Microphone And Said: "slowly Across
The Desert Sand, Trekked A Lonely Caravan. Men On
Camels, Two By Two, Destination: Timbuktu."

The Crowd Went Crazy! No Way Could The Redneck Top
That, They Thought As The Redneck Calmly Made His
Way To The Microphone And Recited:

"me And Tim, A' Huntin' We Went.
Met Three Whores In A Pop-up Tent.
They Was Three, And We Was Two.
So I Bucked One, And Timbuktu."

The Redneck Won Hands Down

[Schumi]

Trust the UCD fans to turn this thread into an education lesson:rolleyes:.
Trust the Sligo fans to take four days to work out what's going on. :D

[sligoman]

Trust the Sligo fans to take four days to work out what's going on. :DSee my location? I live in a place with no internet connection and didn't get on here til last night, duh!:p.

:D.

[strangeirish]

CLASSIC REDNECK WOMAN....

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids . "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the oldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, - 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come arunnin. 'An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' - and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "I call them by their last names."

[hamish]

484

Thanks to Mork for sending this e-mail and for Shakedown for trasferring it to here.:D

[strangeirish]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim
out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because
she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news".

The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of
another patient, you displayed sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?":D :D :D

[strangeirish]

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.
;)

[hamish]

Two women and a man are in the back of a bus. The first woman whispers, "The man next to me is w@nking!" Her friend says, "Just ignore him." To which she replies, "I can't! He's using my hand!"

A man goes to see the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "I need you to stop masturbating." The man asks, "Why? It doesn't make you go blind." The doctor replies, "I know, but it's disturbing to the other patients."

This is supposed to be a true story but I reckon it's an Irish urban myth.
Usual court case, gurrier up for GBH. Gurrier sitting beside council, noisily chewing gum. Annoyed judge calls court official, "Tell that young man to stop masticating". Court official whispers to gurrier's council, "Will ya tell that fcuker to take his hands out of his fcukin' pockets":D

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Driving to Galway!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Galway." "Great," replies the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously throbbing his knob. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Galway!"

RFLMAO - I'd forgotten this one:D
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.
Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude — and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."
He says, "I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?"

He answers, "Pepper."


Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"
Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"
Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."
About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"

[strangeirish]

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure.":D

[hamish]

A trucker picks up a lady hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a
monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles she asks the driver what the
monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with
the back of his hand sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the driver's legs, unziips his fly, pulls
out his foldoorum and proceeds to give the trucker a blow job. When finished,
the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything
back and jumps back up on the dashboard..
"See that" said the trucker.
The lady said "Yeah".
The trucker asked the lady "You want to try it?"
The lady said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

Here's an old one I've just remembered.
A gay couple are driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a
stop sign, a massive truck smashed into the back of their car.. Furious, the guy in the passenger seat throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door.
The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with
his hands on his hips, says
"I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!"
The truck driver, being a truck driver, laughs and says, "Ah, Suck my d!ck!"
The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get real big and
his face just lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to
his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´ I said, `No, sir. I´m too scared.´ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I´m sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first.":D

Three guys were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 of the most beautiful women they have ever seen. They started getting friendly with a few of the women. One thing leads to another, and soon all three men have had sex with several of the women. Suddenly the Sheik enters the room.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way that corresponds to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Cop," said the first man." Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a grin, "I'm a Lollipop Salesman!"

[strangeirish]

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

[hamish]

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

Tarnation!! - I was going to post that one later.:D

[John83]

Three guys were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 of the most beautiful women they have ever seen. They started getting friendly with a few of the women. One thing leads to another, and soon all three men have had sex with several of the women. Suddenly the Sheik enters the room.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way that corresponds to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Cop," said the first man." Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a grin, "I'm a Lollipop Salesman!"
You forgot to mention the last line of that one Sirhamish, "Then we will sell your organ on eBay," said the sheik.
;)

[hamish]

You forgot to mention the last line of that one Sirhamish, "Then we will sell your organ on eBay," said the sheik.


Heh heh Nice one.:D

NSFW - if you're in an office

http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/images/texas_firing_squad.gif

[DmanDmythDledge]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

[the 12 th man]

Three Nuns in a Church in Spain giving it a spring clean so the Church is closed to everybody.The heat is sweltering as the Air Con is broken and the Nuns are close to exhaustion when they hit on the idea of taking off all their clothes to cool off.

The Nuns are marvelling at how much cooler they feel being naked when there's a knock on the door of the Church and a voice says"Open up,its only the blindman".The Nuns have no hesitation opening the door as their modesty will still be preserved.

They open the door and a cool looking guy with sunglasses walks in and says "Great beavers girls now where do you want these blinds?".

[hamish]

I've just recalled a story about some US politician who went to one of these right wing churches to "cure" him of being gay -after he was "outed", of course.
After he was "cleansed" and in a bid to resurrect his career he gave a big press converence with all his pastors around him.
Unfortunately, he kinda blew it when his final answer to the press questions included the immortal lines:
"I am back in the arms of the lord, he has cured me of the curse of sodomy. Today is a new beginning, I've put it all behind me":eek: :D

[strangeirish]

A Russian women goes to her Gynecologist and he has her up in the chair.
"OK Petra, spread 'em"
"OK" says Petra.
"Hmmm" says the Gynecologist. "Have you had a check up here before?"
"No!" says Petra. " Just a Latvian and two Romanians"
:D

[hamish]

A drunken man, smelling heavily of beer sat down on a tube train next to a Priest.

The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered his response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[redgav]

A man walks into the doctors....
Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."

Doc - "What?"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"

Man - "Not really."

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack."

Doc - "That sounds very stressful."

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated."

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets."

Doc - "That sounds stressful."

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

Man - "Watch porn videos and eat Monster munch."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I met a girl with a seashell tattoo on her thigh.

If you put your ear to it, you could smell the sea.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Whats blonde,has six legs and runs through michael jacksons dreams?

Hanson.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What has 8 legs and a big black c*nt?

The A-Team.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

what did the jewish peodophile say to the little boy in his car?

hey go easy on the sweets

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door! and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Boy ain't this the truth!

-------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two fish in a tank one turn's to the other and says, "how the f*ck do you drive one of these?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the only cow in a small Mayo town suddenly stopped giving
milk,
the angry townspeople discovered they could buy a new cow in Cork for
EUR200. So they raised the money and bought the cow, which produced

milk continuously.

Happy with their success, the townspeople decided to buy a bull to mate

with the cow and produce more cows like it. However, every time the bull
tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

Confused and upset, the townspeople consulted with the local vet.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away," said a town

elder. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he
approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side,

she walks away to the other side."

The vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,

buy this cow in Ballincollig?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they

bought the cow. "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know
that?"

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, and said, "My wife is
from
Ballincollig."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
------------------------------------
Man walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll.

Shop owner " do you want a white one or a muslim one? "

Man " whats the difference "

Shop owner " the muslim one blows herself up "
-----------------------------------
Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting. The older of the mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures -- they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son, Khalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily,
"he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.

"Yes", says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

-----------------------------------
A skeleton walks into a bar, and the barman says "what'll it be?".

And the skeleton replies "A pint and a mop.".
-----------------------------------

[redgav]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat
you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".


"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 metres,Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.............

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees......

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"


-----------------------------------
Three pregnant women in a doctor's surgery doing their knitting while waiting.

The first one takes a pill out of her bag and pops it. The receptionist says "excuse me madam could you tell me what it is that you just took?"

Multi vitamines said the lady, I want my baby to have a healthy start.

The second one takes a pill out of her bag and pops it. The receptionist says "excuse me madam could you tell me what it is that you just took?"

Calcium she replied. I want my baby to have strong bones.

The third one takes a pill out of her bag and pops it. The receptionist says "excuse me madam could you tell me what it is that you just took?"

Thalidomide she says.

"Thalidomide screamed the receptionist. Why on earth are you taking that?"

"It's this ****ing knitting" said the woman, "I just can't get the hang of the sleeves"


-----------------------------------
What do you call a Jewish-Irish midget?



A Leprecohen!

-----------------------------------
Whats Black & Bumps into walls??

Jordans baby
----------------------------------
Why would Mexicans and Blacks never marry?

They'd be afraid their kids would be too lazy to steal.
-------------------------------------

Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

----------------------------------------

Jill Dando's husband wanted to paint their front door green, but she was dead against it.

--------------------------------------



Scenario - Little girl is taking a bath with Daddy

LG - Daddy what's that

D - It's my p*nis sweetheart.

LG - Daddy. Will I get one of those?

D - You will if your mum f*cks off to bingo.

-------------------------------------------

A guy is having an*l sex with his partner. He lubes up his c*ck and sticks it up, only to stop when she starts screaming "Ow! Ow! That really hurts!"

So he takes it out and lubes it up some more, then sticks it back up her arse. "OW! That's so painful! Stop!" she cries.

So he takes it out once more and puts handfuls of lube on, and all around her arse. He sticks it in for the third time. "OW! That hurts so much! That's excruciating!"

To which he replies:

"Excruciating? That's a big word for a six year old!"

--------------------------------------------------

How do the Greeks seperate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar

-----------------------------------
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs
-----------------------------------
Q. what did one lesbian rabbit say to the other?.

A. MMMMMMMMMMMM it is true, we do taste like chicken!

[strangeirish]

A kindergarten class was given a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When
time came to present what they found the first little boy walked up to the
front of the class and made a small dot on the blackboard. Puzzled, the
teacher asked him what it was.
It's a period, said the boy.
What's so exciting about a period, she asked.
Damned if I know, said the boy.But this morning my sister was
missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack and the man
next door shot himself.

[sligoman]

Girl's English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I wont = I will

I want = I will get

I'm lonely = Will you go out with me

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!

"Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!

We need to talk" = I need to bitch.

"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!

"How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me i'm beautiful.

"You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.

"Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!

Guy's English:

" I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

" I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

" I'm tired" - I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.

"You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted pshychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

" I love you" = Let's have sex right now.

"I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!

"Let's talk" = I am tryin' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!

"Will you marry me?" = On Our Honeymoon...We Can Have Sex!!

[Dun Laoire]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room
on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly...He in the upper bunk and she
in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

" I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

" Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss alps, were an

English guy, an Irish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young

blonde Swiss girl with very large breasts. The train goes into a dark

tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When

the train emerges from the tunnel the English guy has a bright red hand

print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks the English guy must have groped the blonde in the

dark and she slapped his cheek.

The Blonde Swiss girl thinks; that English guy must have tried to

grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she

slapped his cheek.

The English Guy thinks: that Paddy must have groped the blonde in the

dark, she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Irishman thinks..................I cant wait for another

tunnel, just so that I can smack that English Cu*t again.:D

[CollegeTillIDie]

The English Guy thinks: that Paddy must have groped the blonde in the

dark, she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Irishman thinks..................I cant wait for another

tunnel, just so that I can smack that English Cu*t again.:D

Classic:D:D

[strangeirish]

Subject: Married Life
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer. Bitch !
:D

Footnote:
We divorced and split the house. She got the inside and I got the outside.:mad:

[strangeirish]

A British company is developing computer chips
that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, as women are
always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.

:D
Magicme???

[hamish]

A British company is developing computer chips
that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, as women are
always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.

:D
Magicme???

Only plays one song though

"Thanks for the mammaries"

Getting coat....:D

[strangeirish]

99 Rubber Boobs

You and I in the silicone shop
What can you buy with the money you got?
Save up hard, discip-lun
one by one, both WILL get done
back of shop, a tray tips up
out roll boobs of every cup...(size)
You and I can't believe our eyes
as 99 rubber boobs roll by

99 rubber boobs
rolling through the sliding door
Panic bells, it's red alert
"ATTENTION SURGEONS: STOP YOUR WORK!"
The receptionist, with mouth agape
rushes from behind the drapes
Business will go all pear-shaped
if 99 rubber boobs escape

99 rubber boobs
find the perfect exit route
worry, worry, super-scurry
comes the boss now - in a hurry
"This is what we can't afford!
Down that hill rolls next month's orders!"
Garbage men choke on their pies
as 99 rubber boobs bounce by

T'wards the school the boobs advance
Grade Six gym class wets their pants
Round the bend they enter traffic
looking very pornographic
Through the convent they then roll
mammaries out of control
All the nuns looked quite aghast
as 99 rubber boobs bounce past

(softly)
In the tyre-yard, down the road
In each tyre, a rubber globe
they've stopped bouncing, such a pity
but they all look bruised and gritty
If I COULD grab souvenirs
two I'd pinch for you, my dear
but providence should soon prevail
prepare for next weeks "fake boob discount sale"
:D :D :D