Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Risteard]

Good man Billy Connolly

[strangeirish]

Calling In Sick

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[sligoman]

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the bill.


Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."It's old, but still good:D.

[strangeirish]

Staying Young

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Sirhamish's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Sirhamish replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Sirhamish his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Sirhamish interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"

[hamish]

Staying Young

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Sirhamish's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Sirhamish replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Sirhamish his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Sirhamish interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"

heh heh:D

Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.
Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Strangeirish, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
Strangeirish picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.
Strangeirish had been kicked out by his, now, ex-Missus for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary.
Despite her initial resistance to his many advances, he finally suceeded in having incredible sex with her.
Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
"What do you mean, twice?" Strangeirish asked. "We only did it once."
"Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" Rosemary asked

:p :D

[joeSoap]

There's this bird called Mary, ri? She's a virgin like. She's not married or nothin, but she's got this paaaaartner, Joe, ri? He's a chippy like. Mary's shacked up wid him in a kip in Nazzareh. One day Mary meets this headtheball Gabriel. She's like 'Wha' areyou lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You're up da pole.' Mary's totally scarleh. She lays into him. 'Who are you callin a slapper. I'm noh common. I never done it wid no-one noh even me fellah".

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone like. Liz is wired. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's like 'Howzitgoin, Mary, I can feel me nipper in me guh and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're ri', ri''

Mary an' Joe haven't got a tosser so they feck a donkey, an' head for Be'lehem. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her nipper, ri'? an' that. But the kip is jammers. So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's burstin wid animals. Cowizz an' sheep an' dat. Then these three maaad lads turn up, looking the bizz, wi' crowans on their heads. They're like 'A'ri, bay-bee Jesus, howzitgoin like', an' say they're wise men from the East Wall. Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, what the crack with dis Frankenstein an' miir? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'

It's all about to kick off when Gaybo turns up again an' sez he's got another message from yer man the Lord. He's like 'The scruffers is comin an' they're killin all de chisellers. You better leg it off to Eejip.' Joe goes 'You must be on drugs it you think I'm goin' to Eejip on a bleedin donkey' Gaybo sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But not my problemo, knowharrimean?' So they legs it to E-jip till they've stopped killin the young lads an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jazis go back to Nazzareh, an' Jaziz turns water into Vodkaanrebbull.

[Hulsey]

Saw this on a football chants website and thought it was funny.
(Leeds to west ham in 1970's)
WERE FOREVER THROWING BOTTLES
PRETTY BOTTLES IN THE AIR
THEY FLY SO HIGH
ALMOST REACH THE SKY
THEN LIKE WEST HAM
THEY FADE AND DIE

[strangeirish]

heh heh:D

Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life............


Back at ya!:D

[strangeirish]

The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but ****s instead.
The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.:D :D :D
The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.


Do you know any of these people?????

[FarBeag]

A little prayer for all you ladies lying beside your man before you sleep at night.


Lord, B 4 I Lay down to sleep, I pray 4 a man who's not a creep,one's who's handsome, smart+ Strong,one who's willy is thick and long.Oh send me a man who makes love to my mind,know's what to say when i ask ''How big is my behind?'' and as i kneel and pray by my bed, i look at the ****** you sent me instead.

[strangeirish]

In Pharmacology all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic
name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of
Acetaminophen, Aleve is also called Naproxen, Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Motrin is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
and of course, Ibepokin.

In other drug news, Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon
be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.


Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs, and just a good
old-fashioned stiff drink.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: Mount & Do.

[sligoman]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home fom her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following
a Heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

:eek:.

[fosterdollar]

Two fishermen are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

"What's this?", asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

[sligoman]

.....agency forms in the section for listing the father's details. Or putting it another way..... Who's your Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out Number 11.......... it takes the prize and Number 3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sexwith a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Block G Raptor]

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the
traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay, pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd
done this several times,and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop
had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and
said,
"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

[strangeirish]

Good one BGR.......And on a similar note...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[Block G Raptor]

Classic !!

[field]

Three footballfans (one from Feyenoord, one from PSV, one from Ajax) are walking down the street together. They walk around a corner and then ..., there on the ground ... lies a naked woman! The Feyenoord-fan, very decent, puts his cap over one of the womans´ breasts. The PSV-fan, a little less decent but nevertheless, also puts his cap over the womans´other breast. The Ajax-fan sees the womans´vagina and decent as he is, he puts his cap over the womans´vagina. After a while two policemen find the woman, still lying on the ground. "Very decent of those footballfans, but it´s the first time I don´t see a dick under a Ajax-cap!":cool:

[field]

Three footballfans (one from Feyenoord, one from PSV, one from Ajax) are walking down the street together. They walk around a corner and then ..., there on the ground ... lies a naked woman! The Feyenoord-fan, very decent, puts his cap over one of the womans´ breasts. The PSV-fan, a little less decent but nevertheless, also puts his cap over the womans´other breast. The Ajax-fan sees the womans´vagina and decent as he is, he puts his cap over the womans´vagina. After a while two policemen find the woman, still lying on the ground. "Very decent of those footballfans, but it´s the first time I don´t see a dick under a Ajax-cap!":cool:

Dutch joke, but easily ´translated´ into any language wanted.

[Block G Raptor]

Three footballfans (one from Shels, one from Pats, one from Rovers) are walking down the street together. They walk around a corner and then ..., there on the ground ... lies a naked woman! The Shels-fan, very decent, puts his cap over one of the womans´ breasts. The Pats-fan, a little less decent but nevertheless, also puts his cap over the womans´other breast. The Rovers-fan sees the womans´vagina and decent as he is, he puts his cap over the womans´vagina. After a while two policemen find the woman, still lying on the ground. "Very decent of those footballfans, but it´s the first time I don´t see a Pr!ck under a Rovers-cap!":cool:

I see what you mean :D

[field]

I see what you mean :D

Exactly, you´ve got it!:D

[hamish]

or how how about - "not the first time I've seen a c.unt under an Ajax cap"
:D

Two Sligo Rovers supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Rovers Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Rovers Fan 2: What about the sheep ???
Rovers Fan 1: Fcuk the sheep!!!
Rovers Fan 2: ...(pause)... Do you think we have time?

:D :D

[Ash]

hope this wasnt opsted before :)

Q. What did St Patrick say to the snakes when he was
driving them out of Ireland?


A. Are you all right there in the back lads?

Boom Boom!

[field]

or how how about - "not the first time I've seen a c.unt under an Ajax cap"
:D

Fine by me!:D

[Risteard]

How does Bob Marley like his sandwiches?
With Jam in.

What does he say when he's making a sandwich for you?

[Block G Raptor]

How does Bob Marley like his sandwiches?
With Jam in.

What does he say when he's making a sandwich for you?

I Hope you like Jam in too :rolleyes:
:D

[paul_oshea]

two blondes walk into a door,

you think one of them would have noticed it!!

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the
steaks are too high."
--------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have
look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him
down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy"
--------
what do ye call a serbian prostitute?

slobbardon mecockyebitch

[strangeirish]

Russian castration person?

Ivan ackanickinimoff.

[paul_oshea]

dont get that oh strange one.

what do you call a bulgarian with 3 testicles:

whudya nicabollikov

a chinese paedophile?

fcuk em young

[Block G Raptor]

Russian prostitute?
Anya Bacyobich

[strangeirish]

dont get that oh strange one.



I've a knack of nickin' 'em off.;)

[field]

Well lads, I very much like reading your jokes as long as you don´t make a laugh about the concentrationcamps (or is it concentrationsites?) of the Germans during World War 2, as my grandfather died there.

He fell of a watchtower!;)

[hamish]

German name for a condom.

Fitz-noish-und-toit:)

[sligoman]

Two Sligo Rovers supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Rovers Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Rovers Fan 2: What about the sheep ???
Rovers Fan 1: Fcuk the sheep!!!
Rovers Fan 2: ...(pause)... Do you think we have time?

:DSo old Hamish:rolleyes: :D.

[Block G Raptor]

German name for a condom.

Fitz-gud-und-toit:)
Not as old as that one

First time I heard that I laughed so hard I fell out of my cradle and landed in Dinosaur Shyte

[strangeirish]

One eyed Irish woman?

Aine Ó Súilleabháin:D

[DmanDmythDledge]

Two gay guys are in a toilet. One looks at the others dick and notices that he has a nicotine patch on it. He says, "Hey, does that actually work?", to which he replies, "Yeah, I havn't had a fag for ages."

The FAI

[hamish]

This plump bird was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie."Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says the plump bird, "I don't need money, because my dad left me millions in his will. And I don't need fame, because my dad was a world famous businessman and I'm famous 'cos I'm his daughter.
I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed."
"Poof!"And just like that... her ears were gone.:eek:

Next post - what's witten on toilet walls.;)

[dfx-]

The FAI

The Licensing system

[hamish]

If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving isn't for you.

My liver is evil and must be punished

Mrs. Dracula complains, "That husband of mine is a pain in the neck"

A lady called Alice from Dallas
Who ne're had the feel of a phalus,
She remained virgo intacta
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice

Scene from Pirates of the Caribbean - Part 36.
"OOooooooooooooo aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr, der be buggery board m'ship!
There be taste o' sh!t off de first mate's pr!ck"

For any Indians computer engineers visiting the country.
There once was a man from Bengal
Who had a hexagonal ball
Along with its mate
Plus his penis plus eight
Was twice the square root of fcuk all

What does a hermaphrodite call his means of transportation?
A bisexual built for two.

PRESERVE WILD LIFE!!! Throw a student party

[Magicme]

JACK AND JILL

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got
home was take off my trousers," he said.
"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to
me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
"I told her, "of course they're too big.

I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.

"Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding,
he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack.
"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will.

I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will."

Go Jill!!!!!!!!!!!!

[strangeirish]

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com:D

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com:D :D

[sligoman]

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an Ireland football shirt and says to his sister,
"I've decided to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this for my birthday".
His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother".
So off goes the little lad with the green football shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father".
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an Ireland supporter for an hour and already I hate you English b@stards"

[hamish]

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an Ireland football shirt and says to his sister,
"I've decided to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this for my birthday".
His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother".
So off goes the little lad with the green football shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father".
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an Ireland supporter for an hour and already I hate you English b@stards"

Heh heh LOL good one sligodude.:D

[Noelys Guitar]

A hubby and his missus are woken up at 3 o'clock in the morning by the sound of stones hitting their bedroom windows. The hubby gets up enraged and opens up one of the windows. "Can you give me a push" he hears from outside. "Its 3am you effing moron. Fcuk off". He promptly returns to bed but his missus reminds him of when they had broken down in the rain and a good samaritian had stopped and given them a push. Feeling guilty now he runs downstairs and opens the front door. Not seeing anyone he shouts out "where are you"?. "I'm over here on the swings. Can you give me a push"!

[strangeirish]

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that fcukin' jar open.":eek: :D

[CollegeTillIDie]

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that fcukin' jar open.":eek: :D

Probably a true story too :D

[strangeirish]

You know you are on a budget airline when:


Your pockets are checked for food and drink.

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your velcro.

The pilot asks all the passengers to chip in a little for fuel.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The pilot shouts at the farmers to get the cows off the runway.

The 'in flight' safety check takes twice as long as normal.

The stewardesses wear name tags as well as ‘trainee badges’.

It is compulsory to buy chewing gum or sweets on board.

The stewardesses expect to be tipped.

The stewardesses are not wearing makeup!

But they all wear parachutes!

You ask the pilot how often their planes crash and he says, “Just the once”.

The local undertakers advertise on the back of the headrest.

No film. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Sick bags, safety cards and will forms are all in the seat pouch.

When you arrive at your destination, you are in the middle of nowhere!:D

[strangeirish]

A Gay Flight Attendant


The plane's cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant who was obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people. So, if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

[strangeirish]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said,"You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, ly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?

.."LISTEN UP, D*CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD D*MN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER F**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU SELFISH *******. YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?"

........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? :cool: :D