Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[hamish]

This was the chant to Lord of the Dance tune at the Man United the other day:

"Park, Park, Where ever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
But it could be worse
You could be a scouse
Eating rats in your council house"

LOL :D :D

I don't know whether this should be in a thread of its own but it's funny enough. Got it from a buddy a few days ago.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh!t, that they had attained the holy p!ss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b@stards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - w@nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw@ts.


John

:D

[strangeirish]

Devil in Church

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly Satan appeared
at the altar. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the
evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan

"Don't doubt it for a minute", returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?"

"Yep", was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan

"Nope", said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

:D

[Thunderblaster]

Gary Glitter has just being convicted and sentenced to death in Vietnam. He was asked to make his last will and testament. In his will, Gary asked that he would be cremated and that his ashes be put into an etch a sketch so that the children can still play with him!!:eek: :D

[Thunderblaster]

Get Knob to Zero!

Turn knob below to load gun.:D
Hit target to release prizes.:D
6 shots. 30 seconds time limit.

Also on a fire extinguisher!!

Free and direct horn!:D

[Hulsey]

Why do man utd fans whistle when they're on the toilet?
So they know which end to wipe.
------------------
What does a man utd fan do when they've just watched their teambeat Lille?
Turn off the playstation.
-------------------------
What do you call a pregnant man utd fan?
A dope carrier
-----------------
Whats the difference between a busload of man utd fans and a hedgehog?
On a hedgehog the pr!cks are on the outside.
-------------------
Whats the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead man utd fan in the middle of the road?
Thre are skid marks in front of the dog.

[pineapple stu]

Would it not be easier to put that up as one post? ;)

[sligoman]

Would it not be easier to put that up as one post? ;)Yes, but then his post count wouldn't go up as much;).

I'll merge all of them when I get a chance later on:)

[carrickharp]

Start them of young (http://www.jokeshandbook.com/images/kiddycoke.jpg):eek: ;)

[carrickharp]

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".


Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[sligoman]

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently sueing the Word Perfect organisation for Termination without Cause .

>Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?
>Caller: Yes, well, I m having trouble with WordPerfect.
>Operator: What sort of trouble??
>Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
>went away.
>Operator: Went away?
>Caller: They disappeared.
>Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
>Caller: Nothing.
>Operator: Nothing??
>Caller: It s blank; it won t accept anything when I type.
>Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??
>Caller: How do I tell?
>Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??
>Caller: What s a sea-prompt?
>Operator: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
>Caller: There isn t any cursor: I told you, it won t accept anything I
>type.
>Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator??
>Caller: What s a monitor?
>Operator: It s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
>Does it have a little light that tells you when it s on??
>Caller: I don t know.
>Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
>power cord goes into it. Can you see that??
>Caller: Yes, I think so.
>Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it s
>plugged into the wall.
>Caller: Yes, it is.
>Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
>were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??
>Caller: No.
>Operator: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
>the other cable.
>Caller: Okay, here it is.
>Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it s plugged securely into
>the back of your computer.
>Caller: I can t reach.
>Operator: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??
>Caller: No.
>Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
>over??
>Caller: Oh, it s not because I don t have the right angle - it s
>because it s dark.
>Operator: Dark??
>Caller: Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
>coming in from the window.
>Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
>Caller: I can t.
>Operator: No? Why not??
>Caller: Because there s a power failure.
>Operator: A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we ve got it licked
>now.
>Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
>came in??
>Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
>Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
>like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
>it from.
>Caller: Really? Is it that bad?
>Operator: Yes, I m afraid it is.
>Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??
>Operator: Tell them you re too ****ing stupid to own a computer

[hamish]

I've heard that Bob Geldof is getting a band together for flood aid. Hes got Muddy Waters, the Drifters, and Wet,Wet,Wet lined up already. They're doing a cover of Blondie's The Tide Is High.


A cop pulls over a ditzy looking blonde driving a convertible and asks to see her license.
“What’s that?” she asks.
He explains that it’s the card proving she knows how to drive.
“Oh, I have one of those,” she says.
After checking her information in the squad car, the cop says, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”
“What’s a ticket?” she asks.
The cop thinks about it, looks both ways, and pulls out his dick.
The girl slumps in her seat and says, “Oh, no. Not another Breathalyzer.”


This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy
is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent
lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,
do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you.
This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute, he asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. so I told him where to find it.
Be strong, Darling. I love you, too.


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every
once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that
said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And your single. Just let it go.."
But then another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:......
your a fcuking vet, you pervert.


a man is siting next to a woman on an airplane, right after they take off the man sneezes
than he pulls down his pants and wipes sperm off his schlong, onto a tissue.
the woman sitting next to him gives him a discusted look, this happens a few more times she can't take it any more.
she yells at him why the hell don't you go to the bathroom to play with yourself, you fcuking pervert.
he answers I’m sorry but I have this medical condition, every time I sneeze I ejaculate.
so she asks him are you taking anything for it.
yes he says, pepper. :D

[hamish]

Paddy is appearing on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.

Chris: "Paddy you've done very well so far. You've got £64,000 and
one life line left - phone a friend. The next question will
give you £125,000 if you get it right but, if you get it
wrong, you'll will be out of the game and drop to £32,000.
Are you ready?"

Paddy: "For sure Chris, I am."

Chris: "On the screen is a photo of a current Manchester United
player as a baby. Which Manchester United player is it? Now
think about this carefully, Paddy, it's worth £125,000.
You're only three questions away from one million pounds."

Paddy: "I think I know who it is... er, but I'm not 100% sure... no
I'm sure it's Beckham, I'm sure it's Beckham... Can I phone a
friend, Chris, just to be sure?"

Chris: "Yes Paddy, who do you want to phone?"

Paddy: "I'll phone Murphy."

(ringing)

Murphy: "Hullo?"

Chris: "Hello Murphy, it's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire. I have Paddy O'Reilly here and he's doing really
well on £64,000 but needs your help to get to £125,000. This
is a visual question, we're faxing you the photo now. Have
you received it?"

Murphy: "Yes, Chris."

Chris: "The next voice you hear will be Paddy's. He'll explain the
question and you'll have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away
Paddy."

Paddy: "Hullo there, Murphy."

Murphy: "Hullo, Paddy."

Paddy: "Murphy, that photo is a baby picture of which current Man
United player. I'm sure it's Beckham, what do you think?"

Murphy: "It's never Beckham, it's obviously Smichael."

Paddy: "You think so, Murphy?"

Murphy: "I'm sure."

Paddy: "Thanks, Murphy."

(hangs up)

Chris: "Well, a difference of opinion there. Do you want to stick on
£64,000 or play on for £125,000, Paddy?"

Paddy: "I want to play, I'm so sure it's Beckham I'm going to go with
me first answer: Beckham."

Chris: "You're saying Beckham?"

Paddy: "I am."

Chris: "Are you confident?"

Paddy: "Yes... Fairly..."

Chris: "You have £64,000 and you saying Beckham. If you're right you
go up to £125,000 and if you're wrong you walk away with
£32,000. Is Beckham your final answer?"

Paddy: "It is, Chris."

Chris: "Paddy............ I'm afraid it was wrong, sorry Paddy. Here
is your cheque for £32,000. You've been a great contestant
and a real gambler. Audience, please put your hands together
for Paddy!"

(applause...)

Paddy: "Before I go Chris, what was the correct answer? It's killing
me."

Chris: "Rio Ferdinand"

[strangeirish]

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."

Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,
turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
:D :D :D

[Dazzy]

A cop pulls over a ditzy looking blonde driving a convertible and asks to see her license.
“What’s that?” she asks.
He explains that it’s the card proving she knows how to drive.
“Oh, I have one of those,” she says.
After checking her information in the squad car, the cop says, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”
“What’s a ticket?” she asks.
The cop thinks about it, looks both ways, and pulls out his dick.
The girl slumps in her seat and says, “Oh, no. Not another Breathalyzer.”

:D Pretty good

[Dazzy]

Not sure if posted before but:

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar - a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue! Salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called a Blow Job Revenge!"

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of making love. Furious, he called the artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why, that's exactly what you asked for." said the artist smugly. "No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!" And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look at all those ****ing Indians!'"

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life? "The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's okay". "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer... "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.

"My car has broken down," said the traveller, "Do you know where I can spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality." The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence.

"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."

The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal; the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the quest. "And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on the floor and was on the job.

Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back, woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth
until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.
The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[sligoman]

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson on a night out. She said "What do you do?" Jeremy says "I do Top Gear", "Fcuking great" said Kate "I'll take four grams please"

:o.

[hamish]

There was this very strict convent in rural Ireland. Even when the Priest arrived to say Mass, he was not even allowed to put the Communion on the nuns' lips in case they might be aroused by the touch of a male.
However, human ingenuity and lust overcame these barriers and one young nun carried on a passionate affair with a local yokel.
Unfortunately she became pregnant but managed to hide the bump under her habit.
Eventually she gave birth in a toilet and looked in deperation for somewhere to place the infant.
As she searched, she passed the Reverend Mother's door and noticed it was ajar. She peeped inside and saw the Rev. Mother fast asleep on her back, legs spread over the bed and snoring her head off.
The young nun crept in and gently lifted the Reverend Mother's habit, placing the child between her legs
In the morning, the Reverend Mother woke up, heard the child crying, lifted her habit and said,

"Aaaaaaaaaah bolllocks, nowadays you can't even trust your little finger"

:D

[aido_b]

what do ya call an empty box under a christmas tree?

an action man deserter! :D

[strangeirish]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[A face]

Click on the link for to read it, not into blondes jokes normally but this is classic stuff !! (http://www.darrenbarefoot.com/archives/2006/01/hilarious-blonde-joke.html) :p

[strangeirish]

Click on the link for to read it, not into blondes jokes normally but this is classic stuff !! (http://www.darrenbarefoot.com/archives/2006/01/hilarious-blonde-joke.html) :p
:D :D ........

[highlight100]

Was out for a walk was my uncle Jim,
When someone started throwing tomatoes at him,
"Tomatoes don't hurt" i said with a grin,
THE ****ING WELL DO WHEN THERE STILL IN THE TIN !

[hamish]

A Mother and Father take their young son to the circus.
When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?, is it another trunk"
The mother is very embarrassed, and says "Oh, it's nothing son."
So the son turns to his father and asks the same question.
The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."
So the son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"
The father says proudly, "well son, she's been spoilt".

Arthur Scargill has been loaned "Neverland" by Micheal Jackson. Its been ten years since he's seen a minors helmet

What do Jacko and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks...:D

what do prince charles and the pope have in common, they were both stiff and in an old box on his wedding night. :eek:

abstinance makes the church grow fondlers

I went to a Al Qaeda birthday party last night.
Fcuk me if that wasn't the fastest game of Pass The Parcel I've ever seen

For fans of Cricket
Who was the last person to fcuk an Aussie and bring home the ashes?
Paula Yates

Q - Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A - He sacrificed his mum to Santa

Q - What will it take to get a Beatles reunion?
A - 2 Bullets

Q - Did you hear Yasser Arafat was being buried in a Newcastle United top?
A - Apparantly he wanted to be buried in the Gaza Strip

Q - Why does the Garravogue River run through Sligo?
A - Cos if it walked it would get mugged:D

Q - What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A - A microwave doesn't brown your meat!

Q - What do Dublin girls use for protection?
A - A bus shelter

Q - Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A - Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week

Do they celebrate Xmas in Vietnam? Yep, apparantly they're hanging Glitter.

[sligoman]

Q - Why does the Garravogue River run through Sligo?
A - Cos if it walked it would get mugged:DOh Hamish, you'll regret saying that one:mad: :D.

[hamish]

Oh Hamish, you'll regret saying that one

Now, you're only encouraging me..........:D

Q: How many Sligo Rovers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Sligo..

Q: What's is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the Sligo Rovers goalkeeper?
A: Pam's only got two t!ts in front of her

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Sligo Rovers supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty euro note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a Sligo Rovers fan?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they ain't mistaken for a Sligo woman

Q: Did you hear that the An Post has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Sligo Rovers players on them - Athlone Town fans couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

I'm glad to report that a new red and white Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year. It will be called "Laughing Stock".

Sean Conner was going to the Rovers halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach

There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at The Showgrounds then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere

Fire brigade phones Sean Conner in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Sean, The Showgrounds is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Sean.
"Well...the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Two Sligo Rovers supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Rovers Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Rovers Fan 2: What about the sheep ???
Rovers Fan 1: Fcuk the sheep!!!
Rovers Fan 2: ...(pause)... Do you think we have time?

The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a faint voice moans "Sligo Rovers will win the Eircom League Premier this season"
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Apparently, when Don O'Riordan was Sligo Rovers manager he offered to send the squad on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida but they declined. They'd rather go on a tour of Dublin so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

RFLMAO:p :D

[sligoman]

Oh Hamish, yer really gonna regret it now!:mad: :mad: :p.

[hamish]

Oh Hamish, yer really gonna regret it now!

Oh, there's more on the way:D :p :D

[strangeirish]

How to say 'I love you' in 27 languages.....

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai ****e Imasu

Thai
Phom rak khun

Italian
Ti amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass , Get in the truck

[gustavo]

Did ya hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse

[hamish]

Two guys are deciding about which pub to go out to for the night.
One guy goes to the other: "Hey, let's go to this awesome pub which I heard about! It's amazing! The locals there buy you as much alcohol as you can drink. And then, afterwards, they take you out the back, where you can have as much kinky sex as you want!"
The second guy says: "That's amazing! Who told you about this place?"
And the first guy replies: "My sister."

What is oral sex?
A taste of things to come.

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters", said she.
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "That’s what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again.
"How are you getting along with the girls now?"
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio. :eek:

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't been straddled on top of Mommy, we'd have lost her.":D

[Thunderblaster]

Manchester united Have Announced a huge new sponsorhip deal for next season (Take your Pick)

EasyJet :in and out of europe in 90 mins

Knorr : Chicken stock, Beef stock now Laughing stock

Pampers : P1ssy up front Sh1t at the back

Pizza Hut: Pizzas do fly!

Freshways: Manchester company that is the purveyeurs of fine prawn sandwiches.

[hamish]

There was this bloke who had a terrible stutter but despite that was a great hit with the ladies - different woman every night.
However, he decided that he wanted to get rid of the stutter and his doctor recommended him to a speech therapist.
The therapist did all the tests and eventually had a solution for him.
"Mr. Murphy, there is only one way to get finally rid of that stutter, I'll have to surgically remove the top three inches from your penis but when I replace the helmet on it you'll still have eight inches so you're sex life won't be affected".
Murphy - "Tuh, tuh, tuh, tuh-hanks, duh, duh, doctor, operate away".
Eventually, Murphy recovered from the operation but while he was delighted to be able to speak without any stutter he noticed that his luck with the ladies had become severely diminished. Now, he'd be lucky to score once a week.
It crossed his mind that maybe if he got his three inches back his success rate might improve again.
Off to the therapist he went.
"Doctor, whilst I'm most grateful for you ridding me of my stutter, my sex life has deteriorated terribly - would there be the possibility you could replace those three inches - even if I stutter again?"

Therapist replied (with an evil glint in his eye)

"Nuh...nuh.....nuh......not a ch....ch....chance"

:D

[CollegeTillIDie]

A young adolescent lady attends the doctor for a medical. After testing her reflexes and sticking the flat thing on her tongue and getting her to say aah
He listens to her with his stethoscope " Big Breaths " he says to her.
" Yeth and I'm only 14 " she says :D

[hamish]

A young adolescent lady attends the doctor for a medical. After testing her reflexes and sticking the flat thing on her tongue and getting her to say aah
He listens to her with his stethoscope " Big Breaths " he says to her.
" Yeth and I'm only 14 " she says

I already posted that joke.:p :p :D

[CollegeTillIDie]

I already posted that joke. :D

How can you expect me to trawl through 25 pages of this thing? :rolleyes:

[hamish]

How can you expect me to trawl through 25 pages of this thing? :rolleyes:

Ah, but think of the fun you'd have.:D

[sligoman]

His new show (http://img72.imageshack.us/img72/8628/michaelbarrymore2lq.jpg)

[ollie]

good GAA joke site here (http://www.gaa.irish-guy.com/)

You know you are a GAA shaper when...........




You wear white boots.

You are the only guy with tanned legs on the team in April.

You put gel in your hair before the game.

You have bleached hair or a pony-tail.

You have to get a hair cut before every match.

You wear your collar up to your ears.

You have at least one life threatening injury per game.

You hang around outside the dressing room after a match (still togged out) looking for people to tell you how good you played.

You warm up looking into the crowd.

You wear the latest range in thigh supports, knee bandages, etc when in reality there's shag all wrong with you.

You sulk every time you lose,you blame the pitch, the wind, the sun, the ball etc, if you miss a chance (above all it was not your fault).

You complain that the backs never play good ball to you (you are always a forward because they score (backs get no glory), probably wing or corner (because you can pick up a handy score there and also wave to the crowd)) and if the
selectors knew anything (which they don't) they would make you captain.

You insist on making yourself available for 2 championship matches on the same day.

You threaten to quit the team cause the manager won't pick your brother.

You make your own speech in the dressing room after the captain and mentors have made their speeches.

You leave in two soft goals...one dropped out of your hand....and you complain of a shoulder injury when trying to puck out the next couple of balls.

You wear white boots, white socks a white helmet with a white club jersey.

You wear white boots, white socks a white helmet with a white club jersey.

[paul_oshea]

those quotes by michael o'mur..feck i cant spell his name but ye know who i mean, they are quality.

or the good aul rossie:

rossie:ref hows your dog?
ref:what? i dont have a dog.
rossie: well your the first blind man i have seen that doesnt have a guide dog. quality rossiees are the best.

the mayo test is also a good one.

[Mayo Red]

Gary Neville and Stevie Gerard walk into a brothel (recommended obviously by Wayne Rooney).

Neville asks how much for a little w.a.n.k?

Gerard asks how much for a f*ckin legend?:p

[Hulsey]

What do you call a nun riding a clown?
Virgin on the ridiculous.

A worried young woman goes into her doctors office. the doctor sees the look of anxiety on her face so he asks her whats wrong. She replies "I'm a bit worried that you can get pregnant from anal sex. Can you?", to which the doctor replies "Of course you can! Where do you think Man Utd fans come from!"

[3 Heroes]

Djibril Cisse’s wife has changed her name to 'Anette'. She reckons with a name like that he won’t be hitting her again all season.

"If you tolerate Rix,
then your children will be next"

[hamish]

LMAO - two good ones 3 Heroes.:D :D Now, for some nun jokes

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.
While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father Hamish, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[hamish]

Oh, just remembered this old joke.

Two friends were chatting one day about making a few extra bob. Fred said, I hear that you get 50 euros each time you give a deposit at the sperm bank. Maybe we should try that". His friend Tom agreed and for several months they provided several samples for said bank and were very happy with their work.

One day, they made another trip. Tom entered the building, filled out the usual form, was given a cup, directed to a cubicle wherein there were a few porno magazines. He was "hard at work" when he heard groans, grunts, moans and sighs emanating from the next cubicle.
Curious, he jumped on a chair and looked over the cubicle wall. He saw Fred, lying on his back with a naked nurse on top of him, giving him a right seeing to.

"Fred, why the hell are you getting that treatment when all I get is a cup and a few porn magazines?":mad:

Fred replies, "How many fcuking times have I told you to join the VHI, ya stupid b.ollocks!":eek: :D

[strangeirish]

50th Anniversary

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said:
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and replied,

"Mission accomplished!!"

[hamish]

50th Anniversary

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said:
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and replied,

"Mission accomplished!!"

LMAO:D :D

Knacky went down to a red light area for a bit of sex.
He went up to the first hooker and said,
"How much do you charge?"
Hooker replied, "200 quid and that includes a lovely apartment".
Knacky - "Too fcukin' dear".
He tries the next hooker in line.
She says, "150 quid including a delightful apartment"
Knacky - "Still, too fcukin' dear"
So, on down the line he goes and eventually, the hookers get fed up with him and one said, "Look, try Lucy at the end of the street, she's the cheapest".
Knacky went up to Lucy and said, "How much do you charge?"
Lucy - "I only charge 15 quid".
Knacky - "How come you're so cheap?"
Lucy - "I haven't any womb".
Knacky - "Dats allright, we can do it up against the wall"
:D

[strangeirish]

:D :D :D
I likes that one

[Dun Laoire]

3 snowmen sitting in a sauna, one turns around and says "jesus lads who's idea was this".

[Den Perry]

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effective and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock: "Who is it?", "It's Paul", Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco" "Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia""Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew ?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Luke" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Luke?" "Speed from Amsterdam" "Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FBI MOTHER F*CKERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"

[gustavo]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?"
"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his todger off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand pounds here..."