View Full Version : Jokes (READ FIRST POST)
jinxy lilywhite
19/03/2012, 8:55 PM
I see Pippa Middleton has won the "Rear of The Year" competition.
I wish I could enter it
jinxy lilywhite
19/03/2012, 9:06 PM
A golfer hits a sliced shot and the ball goes into the rough.
When he goes in looking for it, there is a leprechaun, on the ground beside his ball.
" l'm so sorry." The golfer said. " But that was my ball that hit you! "
" You got me fair and square! " Said the Leprechaun. " You can have three wishes."
The golfer replied," l don't want anything! l'm just glad that you are all right."
... As he walked away the Leprechaun thought to himself, " that fellow is a good one
l will give him the three wishes that l would like, Great golf, money and good sex."
One year later the same golfer hits another slice and the ball ends in the rough.
Up pops the little Leprechaun again. " That was me that caused the ball to go into
the rough, So.. Now tell me! Hows your golf? " " lt's great, l'm internationally famous now! " The little man nodded, " And how's your wealth? " The golfer laughed, " lt's
fantastic! l just reach into my pocket and out comes a £ 100 note that l didn't know l had! " The little man nodded again. " l fixed that for you as well! And your sex life! Hows that going? " The golfer blushed, " lt's not bad ." The little man said, " Not bad! l hope it's better than not bad! " The golfer blushed even more. " Well to be honest, it's once or maybe twice a week. " The Leprechaun looked shocked, " l don't
think that once or twice a week is good enough! l had hoped for more that that! "
The golfer said, " Well, you know...Once or even twice a week is not all that bad for a catholic priest in a very small parish!! "
nigel-harps1954
19/03/2012, 9:50 PM
Really jinxy? Really?
Eminence Grise
19/03/2012, 10:08 PM
Well, jinxy, you certainly play a better short game than Trainee...
Real ale Madrid
22/03/2012, 1:05 PM
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting. Nearly put me off my sandwich.
jinxy lilywhite
24/03/2012, 6:58 PM
awh jesus christ i never read trainees lol
apologies
osarusan
27/03/2012, 4:17 PM
http://i.lolthis.com/lt/000/026/414/26414.jpg
osarusan
05/04/2012, 2:26 AM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/539444_416974678331991_205344452828349_1503727_106 763908_n.jpg
strangeirish
27/04/2012, 11:55 AM
Need an answer..? Doogle it!
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/579350_377000345675661_308099172565779_1023213_319 467375_n.jpg
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/525570_408908835810235_111400652227723_1283583_123 7311704_n.jpg
strangeirish
14/05/2012, 1:02 PM
Greek Immigration Officer - "Name please ?"
- "Angela Merkel"
Greek Immigration Officer - "Occupation ?"
- "No, just here for a few days."
bluemovie
16/05/2012, 10:06 AM
Robbie Keane said he was delighted to meet President Obama in the White House. He's supported him since he was a boy.
SkStu
17/05/2012, 10:11 PM
http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/web05/2012/4/2/13/enhanced-buzz-12054-1333386790-26.jpg
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right flipping idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
nigel-harps1954
20/05/2012, 6:45 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/525968_3793936802797_1108471895_33503443_195645497 6_n.jpg
nigel-harps1954
21/05/2012, 1:48 PM
I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called b*tches & hoes.
jinxy lilywhite
21/05/2012, 10:32 PM
I met my girlfriend speed dating
we both had a lot of explaining to do
SkStu
21/05/2012, 10:44 PM
http://www.ybig.ie/forum/uploads/3315/Sharing_ham.jpg
Lev Yashin
31/05/2012, 2:41 PM
Saw a fella carrying a ladder the other day...you should have seen what he got up too.
jinxy lilywhite
24/07/2012, 10:40 PM
Definition of Pressure:
a wife
a mistress
and a mortgage
all one month late
jinxy lilywhite
25/07/2012, 7:49 PM
For a laugh with a few mates Chuck Norris peed into the petrol tank of a lorry. The lorry became known after that day Optimus Prime
Real ale Madrid
25/07/2012, 8:43 PM
Man walks into a fishmongers with a large Salmon under his arm.
"Do you do fishcakes?" - ask's the man.
"We do yeah?" - replies the fishmonger.
"Well can you do one for this fella - he's 2 today".
strangeirish
02/08/2012, 6:14 PM
The young Chinese swimming ace,Ye Shiwen, was asked if the she'd take a gender test following her two gold medals at the Olympics. "I will in me ballix", she replied!
http://i1182.photobucket.com/albums/x451/BOHtox/murderguy.jpg
jinxy lilywhite
18/08/2012, 2:35 PM
after seeing a photgraph of RVP and his wife, Ryan Giggs has vowed to treat him like a brother
osarusan
19/08/2012, 1:41 PM
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/office-worker.png
Top Ten from Edinburgh Fringe ....
1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis
2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine
3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh
4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett
5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner
6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine
7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold
8 ) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis
9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders
10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar
the lobster
10/09/2012, 3:47 PM
not a joke but sill very funny. enjoy
https://www.facebook.com/sminkyanimation
BonnieShels
11/09/2012, 12:03 AM
After watching all those shorts. Class...
But this one made me guffaw.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSO9D2WhTtY&feature=player_embedded
BonnieShels
13/09/2012, 12:28 AM
This is a classic. Can't believe I've gone so long without seeing it again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4ovvsUG-KY&feature=related
BonnieShels
13/09/2012, 9:15 PM
This is priceless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdIWKytq_q4&feature=share
BonnieShels
17/09/2012, 9:58 PM
http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/9873937.jpg
Spudulika
18/09/2012, 3:56 AM
Is it bad that I kept giggling watching this clip?
osarusan
18/09/2012, 9:50 AM
Is it bad that I kept giggling watching this clip?
I'm more than giggling - Stu, did you make it or just find it?
osarusan
18/09/2012, 11:15 AM
Turns out there are dozens of these efforts on youtube, including a Hitler speech and the 9-11 Twin towers videos. Some aren't great, but basically I've been laughing my head off for the last 5 minutes.
Friend posted it on Facebook. I spent a good 10 minutes just calving it! :D
Real ale Madrid
18/09/2012, 2:27 PM
I must say the opening sequence of PTI on ESPN just made me laugh, they usually open the show with a gag:
Mike Wilbon : Tony – can you believe Apple have pre-sold over 2 million iPhone 5’s ????
Tony Kornheiser: Apple do phones ??????
theworm2345
18/09/2012, 4:35 PM
I must say the opening sequence of PTI on ESPN just made me laugh, they usually open the show with a gag:
Mike Wilbon : Tony – can you believe Apple have pre-sold over 2 million iPhone 5’s ????
Tony Kornheiser: Apple does phones ??????
*ahem* this is America
BonnieShels
18/09/2012, 6:32 PM
Is it wrong that it's only now I get this "Leave it Ouh!" phenomenon. First thing I clicked on though to be fair. i thought it was some Scouse thing on the face of it.
nigel-harps1954
18/09/2012, 10:15 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JLglSByGGo&feature=related
I think this to be my favourite one of the whole lot.
strangeirish
15/10/2012, 4:02 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/s480x480/227554_397237137012123_1111113571_n.jpg
theworm2345
15/10/2012, 4:07 PM
http://www.demotix.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/l_crop_medium/1500-7/photos/1350134345-germany-hammer-rep-of-ireland--dublin_1518987.jpg
the lobster
16/10/2012, 9:17 AM
I met Rolf Harris in Tesco the other day,
I said to him, “remember you did the 2 little boys back in the 70’s & 80’s”,
He turned to me and said, “ **** off, That wasn’t me, it was Jimmy Saville”.
Came downstairs this morning and my wife had left a note on the fridge:
"It's just not working - I can't take it anymore - I'm leaving you"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was chilled. What the fck is she on about??!
theworm2345
02/11/2012, 1:21 AM
http://i48.tinypic.com/27zygrs.png
Real ale Madrid
02/11/2012, 9:37 AM
Tony Blackburn was invited to a pool party.
When he turned up he had Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter with him.
The host said to Blackburn:
“you deaf *******, I said bring a pair of speedos….”
nigel-harps1954
06/11/2012, 12:48 AM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/3906_4344279958987_824931455_n.jpg
The term ROFL applies.
http://i49.tinypic.com/5vw45t.jpg
cornflakes
13/11/2012, 7:27 PM
Best website ever!!! (http://heyyeyaaeyaaaeyaeyaa.com/)
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