Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**strangeirish** · 07/07/2006, 5:11 PM

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman is in Dunnes Stores with her 2
kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way to the checkout.

The cashier says, "Good morning and welcome to Dunnes Stores. . .
nice children you've got there, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell, no, they're not.
The oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"Not really," replied the cashier, "I just couldn't believe you got laid
twice."

**strangeirish** · 11/07/2006, 12:44 PM

The trial of Saddam Hussein has ended with the verdict that the former Iraqi leader is to be shot by a firing squad. However, as a concession to his role as former head of state, he is to be allowed to choose the members of the firing squad. Saddam Hussein has chosen: Lampard, Gerrard, Beckham, Cole, Rooney, Crouch...

**joeSoap** · 21/07/2006, 2:08 PM

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil. The devil explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years, so he is to select his first punishment.

In the first room, he sees a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not keen on this, so he asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.

It has a really old man chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room, taps the blonde on the shoulder, and says, "Okay, stop now, you've been relieved."

Little Paddy was sent to holiday camp by his parents. Poor little Paddy had a few disabilities such as a lisp and a very bad limp with and was quite discordinated. On arrival at the beach camp he headed off to join his school mates for a swim but was stopped by the lifeguard. The lifeguard said to Paddy that he couldnt go in, not in the state he was in, as it wouldnt be safe. Poor Paddy disputed the issue with a lisp saying "but I can swim, I can swim". But to no avail. Days pass with poor Paddy sitting under his umbrella watching his mates ahve a great time splashing around and having fun in the waves. Luckily one day the lifeguard is off at the other end of the beach so Paddy hobbles down at his best pace and is off into the water. He swims up and down, catches waves better than any of the other kids. On his return to the beach the lifeguard is waiting and and comments "If I knew you could swim that good I would have let you indays ago" "I'm curious as to how you learnt to swim so good in your condition?" Paddy responds "my dad used to row me out in the lake each day and chuck me in the water". The lifegaurd replies "thats a damn hard way to learn to swim!" Paddy relies " that wasnt the hard part! The hard part was getting out of the bag!"

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared dishevelled, bloody, and badly beaten up.
They all wanted to know what happened. He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?" and that was the last thing he could remember.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says.
"He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

Two women are sitting on a park bench smoking. It starts to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets soggy and burns out. The second, however, unravelled a condom, put it over the cigarette, and it stayed dry. The first woman, liking this idea, runs out to the nearest corner shop to buy a condom. The cashier asks her "What size?"
"Oh, one big enough to fit a camel

**strangeirish** · 21/07/2006, 3:07 PM

Birth Control...

**paul_oshea** · 21/07/2006, 3:19 PM

they are crap.

**Risteard** · 22/07/2006, 9:46 AM

There was a pun competition in the Echo there last week.
I was delighted. I love puns so i threw in ten entries altogether.
I was very confident of winning but unfortunately no pun in ten did.

**sligoman** · 22/07/2006, 12:53 PM

Originally Posted by Risteard

There was a pun competition in the Echo there last week.
I was delighted. I love puns so i threw in ten entries altogether.
I was very confident of winning but unfortunately no pun in ten did.

Oh my god

, get yer coat, fast!

.

**strangeirish** · 26/07/2006, 6:12 PM

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

**paul_oshea** · 27/07/2006, 9:47 AM

OSO, thats ancient!!

come on people good jokes...

what did the horse say to the one legged jockey?

"how are ye getting on?!?!"

what goes aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh?!

a sheep with no lips.....quality.

**strangeirish** · 27/07/2006, 2:30 PM

Originally Posted by paul_oshea

OSO, thats ancient!!

So am I.
Ah well, here's a few quickies.....

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

**Raheny Red** · 27/07/2006, 4:20 PM

Q. Why didn't the women tell the old man to get away from her gate?

A. She didn't want him to take offence!

**strangeirish** · 28/07/2006, 6:48 PM

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a sh*tsu would you get a Bullsh*t?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

**strangeirish** · 02/08/2006, 6:25 PM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself and discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds Boy George standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine"

**paul_oshea** · 02/08/2006, 6:43 PM

If you mated a Bulldog with a sh*tsu would you get a Bullsh*t?

Dumb and DUmber. love that line.

that john denvers full of **** man.

OSO, old one and crap, i think you should be blocked from this thread till you come up with a good joke!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**strangeirish** · 02/08/2006, 7:11 PM

Originally Posted by paul_oshea

Dumb and DUmber. love that line.

that john denvers full of **** man.

OSO, old one and crap, i think you should be blocked from this thread till you come up with a good joke!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, let me work on it. Not in a Country with too many originals.......Oh and next time, speak your mind.

**W.R.F.C** · 03/08/2006, 2:50 PM

old news but funny......

in an interview about his failed marriage, paul Mcartney was asked if he would go down on one knee again, he replied, i would have prefered if you called her heather

**Ash** · 04/08/2006, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by W.R.F.C

old news but funny......

in an interview about his failed marriage, paul Mcartney was asked if he would go down on one knee again, he replied, i would have prefered if you called her heather

thats like the old one ...

For their first Christmas together, Paul McCartney bought Heather a plane ...
and for the other leg she got Immac

**W.R.F.C** · 04/08/2006, 11:50 AM

Originally Posted by Ash

thats like the old one ...

For their first Christmas together, Paul McCartney bought Heather a plane ...
and for the other leg she got Immac

ASH,had not heard that one before. very good.

**strangeirish** · 04/08/2006, 2:08 PM

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."

Just for you O'Shea!