Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Peadar]

...here's a cool optical illusion.

That's fairly cool alright...

[strangeirish]

Tough Love vs. Spanking

Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children as was the preferred method of yesteryear. I recently heard from a friend who has tried other methods to control their kids when they have one of "those moments."

One method that she found very effective was to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calmed down and stopped misbehaving after their little outing together.

I've included the photo below of one of those sessions with my friend's son in case you would like to use the technique.

[strangeirish]

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included
admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a
cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen
or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking
French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have
to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.

[strangeirish]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[liam88]

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."

"One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me."

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."

[gustavo]

Theres more of them here
http://snl.jt.org/deep/index.phtml?i=1

They were from Jack Handey

[Drogman.]

Disgusting, insensitive and offensive-haven't seen anything like this from you before but another post like that and I'll speak to Adam about it,
Liam

[joeSoap]

Up till that last one this thread was really funny. Can someone remove that filth, and restore the thread to being funny??

[First]

Up till that last one this thread was really funny. Can someone remove that filth, and restore the thread to being funny??

I second that .......mods do your thing

[strangeirish]

John was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona
when he saw an elderly Navajo Indian walking on the side of the road. As the
trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo
Indian if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the
journey, John tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo
Indian. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything in the
car, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to John.
"What in bag?" asked the old man.
John looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it
for my wife."
The Navajo Indian was silent for another moment. Then speaking with the
quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, "Good trade."

[liam88]

until he noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to John.

Surely John would have put the bag on the back seat so the Indian could sit next to him? Why would he make him sit in the back? If he was in the back surely the Indian would have had to lean quite far foward to see what was on the front seat-was he wearing a seatbelt?

[strangeirish]

Surely John would have put the bag on the back seat so the Indian could sit next to him? Why would he make him sit in the back? If he was in the back surely the Indian would have had to lean quite far foward to see what was on the front seat-was he wearing a seatbelt?

What made you think he was in the back seat?

[strangeirish]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

1 half-gallon of 2% milk

1 carton of eggs

1 quart of orange juice

1 head of romaine lettuce

2 lb. can of coffee

1lb package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the guy's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said," Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that"?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

LMAO....

[drinkfeckarse]

That's a good one

[paul_oshea]

i heard that one before. but its quality.

[liam88]

What made you think he was in the back seat?

Well John would be sitting in the drives seat and if the bag is on the seat next to him the Indian cannae be sitting there-if he was sharing the seat with the bag the joke would have read "he noticed a brown bag on the seat he was sitting on" not "he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to John." The only other explanation is John was in a Lorry/van with three front seats but still you wouldn't think he'd drive one to a business trip-furthermore the joke would then read "he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to him" as the Indian is the subject so gramatically if the seat is next to both John and the Indian it would be reffered to in relation to the Indian (though you might want to get dcfcsteve to clarify that ) so personally i'm pretty dubious.....

[DmanDmythDledge]

Jokes don't have to make perfect sense.

[strangeirish]

It was a two seater car. See

[tricky_colour]

Sad News.

Last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey"
died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin.They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

[strangeirish]

Loving Husband


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife was really ****ed. She told him "Tomorrow
morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes
from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out the window and
sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the
middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found
a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday