Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[hamish]

I've heard that Bob Geldof is getting a band together for flood aid. Hes got Muddy Waters, the Drifters, and Wet,Wet,Wet lined up already. They're doing a cover of Blondie's The Tide Is High.


A cop pulls over a ditzy looking blonde driving a convertible and asks to see her license.
“What’s that?” she asks.
He explains that it’s the card proving she knows how to drive.
“Oh, I have one of those,” she says.
After checking her information in the squad car, the cop says, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”
“What’s a ticket?” she asks.
The cop thinks about it, looks both ways, and pulls out his dick.
The girl slumps in her seat and says, “Oh, no. Not another Breathalyzer.”


This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy
is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent
lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,
do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you.
This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute, he asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. so I told him where to find it.
Be strong, Darling. I love you, too.


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every
once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that
said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And your single. Just let it go.."
But then another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:......
your a fcuking vet, you pervert.


a man is siting next to a woman on an airplane, right after they take off the man sneezes
than he pulls down his pants and wipes sperm off his schlong, onto a tissue.
the woman sitting next to him gives him a discusted look, this happens a few more times she can't take it any more.
she yells at him why the hell don't you go to the bathroom to play with yourself, you fcuking pervert.
he answers I’m sorry but I have this medical condition, every time I sneeze I ejaculate.
so she asks him are you taking anything for it.
yes he says, pepper.

[hamish]

Paddy is appearing on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.

Chris: "Paddy you've done very well so far. You've got £64,000 and
one life line left - phone a friend. The next question will
give you £125,000 if you get it right but, if you get it
wrong, you'll will be out of the game and drop to £32,000.
Are you ready?"

Paddy: "For sure Chris, I am."

Chris: "On the screen is a photo of a current Manchester United
player as a baby. Which Manchester United player is it? Now
think about this carefully, Paddy, it's worth £125,000.
You're only three questions away from one million pounds."

Paddy: "I think I know who it is... er, but I'm not 100% sure... no
I'm sure it's Beckham, I'm sure it's Beckham... Can I phone a
friend, Chris, just to be sure?"

Chris: "Yes Paddy, who do you want to phone?"

Paddy: "I'll phone Murphy."

(ringing)

Murphy: "Hullo?"

Chris: "Hello Murphy, it's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire. I have Paddy O'Reilly here and he's doing really
well on £64,000 but needs your help to get to £125,000. This
is a visual question, we're faxing you the photo now. Have
you received it?"

Murphy: "Yes, Chris."

Chris: "The next voice you hear will be Paddy's. He'll explain the
question and you'll have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away
Paddy."

Paddy: "Hullo there, Murphy."

Murphy: "Hullo, Paddy."

Paddy: "Murphy, that photo is a baby picture of which current Man
United player. I'm sure it's Beckham, what do you think?"

Murphy: "It's never Beckham, it's obviously Smichael."

Paddy: "You think so, Murphy?"

Murphy: "I'm sure."

Paddy: "Thanks, Murphy."

(hangs up)

Chris: "Well, a difference of opinion there. Do you want to stick on
£64,000 or play on for £125,000, Paddy?"

Paddy: "I want to play, I'm so sure it's Beckham I'm going to go with
me first answer: Beckham."

Chris: "You're saying Beckham?"

Paddy: "I am."

Chris: "Are you confident?"

Paddy: "Yes... Fairly..."

Chris: "You have £64,000 and you saying Beckham. If you're right you
go up to £125,000 and if you're wrong you walk away with
£32,000. Is Beckham your final answer?"

Paddy: "It is, Chris."

Chris: "Paddy............ I'm afraid it was wrong, sorry Paddy. Here
is your cheque for £32,000. You've been a great contestant
and a real gambler. Audience, please put your hands together
for Paddy!"

(applause...)

Paddy: "Before I go Chris, what was the correct answer? It's killing
me."

Chris: "Rio Ferdinand"

[strangeirish]

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."

Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,
turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

[Dazzy]

A cop pulls over a ditzy looking blonde driving a convertible and asks to see her license.
“What’s that?” she asks.
He explains that it’s the card proving she knows how to drive.
“Oh, I have one of those,” she says.
After checking her information in the squad car, the cop says, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”
“What’s a ticket?” she asks.
The cop thinks about it, looks both ways, and pulls out his dick.
The girl slumps in her seat and says, “Oh, no. Not another Breathalyzer.”

Pretty good

[Dazzy]

Not sure if posted before but:

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar - a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue! Salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called a Blow Job Revenge!"

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of making love. Furious, he called the artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why, that's exactly what you asked for." said the artist smugly. "No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!" And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look at all those ****ing Indians!'"

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life? "The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's okay". "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer... "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.

"My car has broken down," said the traveller, "Do you know where I can spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality." The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence.

"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."

The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal; the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the quest. "And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on the floor and was on the job.

Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back, woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth
until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.
The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[sligoman]

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson on a night out. She said "What do you do?" Jeremy says "I do Top Gear", "Fcuking great" said Kate "I'll take four grams please"

.

[hamish]

There was this very strict convent in rural Ireland. Even when the Priest arrived to say Mass, he was not even allowed to put the Communion on the nuns' lips in case they might be aroused by the touch of a male.
However, human ingenuity and lust overcame these barriers and one young nun carried on a passionate affair with a local yokel.
Unfortunately she became pregnant but managed to hide the bump under her habit.
Eventually she gave birth in a toilet and looked in deperation for somewhere to place the infant.
As she searched, she passed the Reverend Mother's door and noticed it was ajar. She peeped inside and saw the Rev. Mother fast asleep on her back, legs spread over the bed and snoring her head off.
The young nun crept in and gently lifted the Reverend Mother's habit, placing the child between her legs
In the morning, the Reverend Mother woke up, heard the child crying, lifted her habit and said,

"Aaaaaaaaaah bolllocks, nowadays you can't even trust your little finger"

[aido_b]

what do ya call an empty box under a christmas tree?

an action man deserter!

[strangeirish]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[A face]

Click on the link for to read it, not into blondes jokes normally but this is classic stuff !!

[strangeirish]

Click on the link for to read it, not into blondes jokes normally but this is classic stuff !!

........

[highlight100]

Was out for a walk was my uncle Jim,
When someone started throwing tomatoes at him,
"Tomatoes don't hurt" i said with a grin,
THE ****ING WELL DO WHEN THERE STILL IN THE TIN !

[hamish]

A Mother and Father take their young son to the circus.
When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?, is it another trunk"
The mother is very embarrassed, and says "Oh, it's nothing son."
So the son turns to his father and asks the same question.
The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."
So the son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"
The father says proudly, "well son, she's been spoilt".

Arthur Scargill has been loaned "Neverland" by Micheal Jackson. Its been ten years since he's seen a minors helmet

What do Jacko and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks...

what do prince charles and the pope have in common, they were both stiff and in an old box on his wedding night.

abstinance makes the church grow fondlers

I went to a Al Qaeda birthday party last night.
Fcuk me if that wasn't the fastest game of Pass The Parcel I've ever seen

For fans of Cricket
Who was the last person to fcuk an Aussie and bring home the ashes?
Paula Yates

Q - Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A - He sacrificed his mum to Santa

Q - What will it take to get a Beatles reunion?
A - 2 Bullets

Q - Did you hear Yasser Arafat was being buried in a Newcastle United top?
A - Apparantly he wanted to be buried in the Gaza Strip

Q - Why does the Garravogue River run through Sligo?
A - Cos if it walked it would get mugged

Q - What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A - A microwave doesn't brown your meat!

Q - What do Dublin girls use for protection?
A - A bus shelter

Q - Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A - Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week

Do they celebrate Xmas in Vietnam? Yep, apparantly they're hanging Glitter.

[sligoman]

Q - Why does the Garravogue River run through Sligo?
A - Cos if it walked it would get mugged

Oh Hamish, you'll regret saying that one .

[hamish]

Oh Hamish, you'll regret saying that one

Now, you're only encouraging me..........

Q: How many Sligo Rovers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Sligo..

Q: What's is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the Sligo Rovers goalkeeper?
A: Pam's only got two t!ts in front of her

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Sligo Rovers supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty euro note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a Sligo Rovers fan?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they ain't mistaken for a Sligo woman

Q: Did you hear that the An Post has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Sligo Rovers players on them - Athlone Town fans couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

I'm glad to report that a new red and white Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year. It will be called "Laughing Stock".

Sean Conner was going to the Rovers halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach

There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at The Showgrounds then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere

Fire brigade phones Sean Conner in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Sean, The Showgrounds is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Sean.
"Well...the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Two Sligo Rovers supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Rovers Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Rovers Fan 2: What about the sheep ???
Rovers Fan 1: Fcuk the sheep!!!
Rovers Fan 2: ...(pause)... Do you think we have time?

The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a faint voice moans "Sligo Rovers will win the Eircom League Premier this season"
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Apparently, when Don O'Riordan was Sligo Rovers manager he offered to send the squad on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida but they declined. They'd rather go on a tour of Dublin so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

RFLMAO

[sligoman]

Oh Hamish, yer really gonna regret it now! .

[hamish]

Oh Hamish, yer really gonna regret it now!

Oh, there's more on the way

[strangeirish]

How to say 'I love you' in 27 languages.....

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai ****e Imasu

Thai
Phom rak khun

Italian
Ti amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass , Get in the truck

[gustavo]

Did ya hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse

[hamish]

Two guys are deciding about which pub to go out to for the night.
One guy goes to the other: "Hey, let's go to this awesome pub which I heard about! It's amazing! The locals there buy you as much alcohol as you can drink. And then, afterwards, they take you out the back, where you can have as much kinky sex as you want!"
The second guy says: "That's amazing! Who told you about this place?"
And the first guy replies: "My sister."

What is oral sex?
A taste of things to come.

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters", said she.
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "That’s what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again.
"How are you getting along with the girls now?"
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't been straddled on top of Mommy, we'd have lost her."