“Well, there were these three dwarfs sitting around a table knocking back a few beers. The first dwarf stroked his beard and said to the other two, “Look at my hands. Look how small they are. I reckon they must be the smallest hands in the entire world.” The other two dwarfs nodded in agreement. The third dwarf said, “I think you’re right, you should go down to see the people at the Guinness Book of World Records and see if you get in.” The first dwarf smiled, “That’s a great idea.”
The second dwarf added “Actually I reckon I might pay them a visit too – look at my feet, they’re tiny. They must be the smallest feet in the world.” The other two dwarfs were startled by how small his feet were. The first dwarf said, “They’re tiny all right, you should come with me.”
The third dwarf, not wanting to be left out chimed in: “well I’ m going to come along as well – I’m certain that I’ve got the world’s smallest penis.” The other two dwarfs decided not to verify this claim but nodded, and the second dwarf said, “Well we’ll all go along together to see if we can get in the Guinness Book of World Records”.
The three dwarfs jumped to their feet and set off to the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records as fast as their little legs would take them. Once they arrived, the first dwarf was called into the assessor’s room. He was gone for almost an hour. Finally he emerged from the room with a triumphant grin, “I’m in! My hands are the smallest in the world.”
The second dwarf was called in next. He too emerged with a beaming smile. “I’m in too! These feet are the smallest in the whole world!”
Finally, The third dwarf was called in. The first two dwarfs grew concerned as the clocked ticked and tocked. At last, after two hours the door opened and the third dwarf trudged out looking despondent.
“What`s the matter?”, the first two dwarfs asked in unison.
The third dwarf shook his head in frustration then shouted “Who the hell is Stephen Ireland?!?!”"
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
I don't understand why Christians are against gay marriage.
Jesus had two dads, he turned out alright.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
Gas that there are people who would literally kill you for that joke.
Follow Up:
I wonder if any guys out there can help me. What does it mean when your wife calls out your dad's name in bed?
Sincerely,
Jesus Christ
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
I got sacked from my job as a funeral director for showing initiative.
I kept thinking outside the box.
Just sitting on the bus and this old bloke started throwing Werthers at the back of my head.
How original
When my wife found out I'd swapped our bed for a trampoline she hit the roof.
Last edited by Deckydee; 03/11/2010 at 11:21 AM.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
Cork's 96fm have given Neil Prenderville a few days off to recover from recent allegations.
A station insider says he hopes Neil can pull himself together after the incident.
I had to google to see what the point of that joke was. Bloody hell!
We're not arrogant, we're just better.
A Garda pulled me over as I drove through a red-light area.
He said, "Looking for a good time, are we sir?"
I said, "Why, how much do you charge?"
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
Those Ethiopians are a bit hypocritical...They have no problem running 26 miles for a Marathon but ask them to walk five miles for some water and its whinging and moaning!
If you say gullible REALLY SLOWLY, it sounds like oranges
Last edited by Lev Yashin; 09/11/2010 at 12:25 PM.
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
What have Michael Jackson and Audley Harrison got in common?
They both wore gloves for no reason.
I went on Dragons Den with my invention, a machine that makes closet homosexuals admit they are gay.
After showing a quick demonstration, Duncan Bannatyne instantly declared "I'm out"
"See, it works" I said.
I took 66% of a poo this morning.....
Two turds.
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
Our government....
Good evening!
A dramatic development this evening with Steve Jobs looking to solve Ireland's financial woes by stepping in and actually buying the country from the exchequer.
He says he will re-brand the country with a new name:
iLand
I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
---
Paddy & Murphy are out looking for jobs when they pass a lumberjacks. Paddy goes up to the head lumberjack and asks if any jobs are going.
"Actually, we're after tree fellers right now." replied the lumberjack.
Paddy looked disappointed and said, "Pity, there's only two of us."
---
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going ?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."
Last edited by dahamsta; 23/11/2010 at 12:06 PM.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
The SFA have confirmed that referees were to go on strike this coming weekend. However, after consulting at length with their linesmen, they've changed their minds.
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
Why was the old Irish currency called the punt?
It rhymed with banker.
sorry if already posted,
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!”
“Bring them along!” said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.”
“But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered.
“Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!”
Got this one from here, not my own
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!
My Guarantee
Am looking for old Irish matches on VHS, PM me if you have some and I'll upload them here
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