When I was younger I had a dog called Minton.
One day he ate my shuttlecock....
Bad Minton.
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
A mate of mine recently admitted he is addicted to brake fluid........ When I spoke to him about it he reckoned he could stop any time
An Englishman, a French man, a Spaniard and a German are all standing trying to watch a street performer doing his juggling act. The juggler notices that the four men have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you four see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
Two monkeys having a bath.
One says: "Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ahh"
The other replies: "Put some cold in then"
Walking along the other day some lad come running up to me and chucked a massive block of cheese in my face!!!..
Thought to myself, thats not very mature.
What have women and hurricanes got in common?
Both wet & windy when they come, and when they go they take the house.
Got fired today as a masseuse, read the instructions wrong, apparently "finishing off on her face" was not what i thought it was
A car salesman asked me, "What are you looking for in a car?"
I said, "It has to be affordable"
He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Ibble."
I hate street performers...
Then again, I'm a mime, so I can't really talk.
Last edited by Deckydee; 14/04/2011 at 11:33 AM.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.
Though, I admit, they do make me look a bit gay.
I like high energy football. A little bit rock and roll. Many finishes instead of waiting for the perfect one.
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
I'd say Bin Laden regrets filling out the census form now.....
Bray Wanderers: So good they were relegated twice (and still stayed up).
I have a few jokes about the unemployed, but they need some work...
#NeverStopNotGivingUp
Man says to bar tender I'll have a Bin Ladan please. Bar man asks what's that? man replies two shots and a splash of water.
Apparently Osama didn't know that they take the Bins out even on a Bank Holiday.
Not sure if this has been posted before but anyways:
Limerick city FC got wind of potential young recruit who lives in Iraq. The manager caught a plane to the troubled Iraq capital Baghdad to track the young boy down.
They risk life and limb dodging car bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to limerick.
The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the friendlies and gets picked on the bench in the 1st team for the first game of the year.
30 minutes into the game, Shane Tracy goes down with a severe knee injury. The manager turns to the boy and says "This is it son, go and show us what you can do."
The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in FAI history. He score 3 goals and scores the winning goal from a 30 yard free kick in the 94th minute.
The boys chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in the rooms. The manager tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and he is a model lesson for all.
He then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son , ring your Mother and tell her what you did today."
He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone, "Guess what I did today?"
"I don't care what you did today." His Mother replies. "I tell you what happened here today", she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, our house was torched, our car blown up, your sister was attacked and your brother was abducted."
"**** sake" says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened."
The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have moved to Limerick."
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs be sticking it up her @rsé. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
"Americans insist Osama's burial at sea is a Muslim tradition."
5 Minutes later.
"Americans admit to confusing Muslims with Vikings"
Not sure what's worse for Osama: the fact he got found and killed, or that he now has to explain to a bunch of suicide bombers where their virgins are.
Last edited by Deckydee; 13/05/2011 at 11:30 AM.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
The Queen has cancelled her visit to Cork!
Apparently Prince William was stuck in Middleton for 3 hours on Tuesday night...
Last edited by DeLorean; 13/05/2011 at 2:51 PM.
I just saw a fat female singer with a laptop.
I think it was a dell.
I like high energy football. A little bit rock and roll. Many finishes instead of waiting for the perfect one.
BBC NEWS: Bad drivers to face £100 fines.
....seems a bit sexist.
Breaking News: The Queen has crashed into a sycamore tree in the Phoenix Park.
The IRA have confirmed that they planted it!
#NeverStopNotGivingUp
I used to work in the circus, they called me the 'Human Cannonball.'
It was such a great job...until I got fired.
BBC NEWS: Queen visits horsebreeding centre.
Did she walk in on Charles and Camilla going at it?
This cat went into Budget Travel one time and they said, where do you want to go. He said take me to the canaries
My dad never loved me as a child.
I can't blame him really.
I wasn't born til he was older
Patient: Doctor I think Im addicted to Twitter
Doctor: Im sorry I dont follow you
Last edited by Deckydee; 19/05/2011 at 1:37 PM.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
I like high energy football. A little bit rock and roll. Many finishes instead of waiting for the perfect one.
Originally Posted by SkStu
God bless America
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