Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[anto1208]

How do you make a Venetian blind?

Poke him in the eye.


A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "F*ck off, you won't bring it back."



I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.

So I pushed her over!

[DIFChick]

Little sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mum,"frank brown showed me his willy2day" b4 mum could protest sally said "it reminded me of a peanut!" , Mum says "really small was it sally??"

Sally says "No salty!".


DIFChick, was the nurse female i hope so for his sake

Ah sure it's part of the job but I've been a nurses aid too long to fall for stuff like that.

[DIFChick]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[strangeirish]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses." The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."



Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

[sligoman]

A friend of mine got his tongue shot off in the war...he never talks about it

[humpmeister7]

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

[anto1208]

My girlfriend said to me, "You could at least wait until I get wet before you shag me!"

So I threw her in the river.


Two paddies find a mirror in the road, first one picks it up and says "I know this face but can't put a name to it." Second one picks it up and says "it's me you daft *******!"


What is the difference between a midget and a freak?

Political correctness



I'm very proud of my Grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Admittedly that was in 1972 but you can never be too careful.

[jebus]

Why do people consider night watchmen to be bums?

Because they've never worked a day in their lives!

[paul_oshea]

not really a joke but a good line:

"jees i was on the beer all weekend, and i was sweating like a dyslexic on countdown all night last night!" or sweating like a priest in a playground, paedo in a playground, priest in a hoor house etc etc. Anyone have any better?

[Risteard]

Ya, 969 of them.

[DmanDmythDledge]

not really a joke but a good line:

"jees i was on the beer all weekend, and i was sweating like a dyslexic on countdown all night last night!" or sweating like a priest in a playground, paedo in a playground, priest in a hoor house etc etc. Anyone have any better?

Sweating like a paedo in a Barney suit.

[paul_oshea]

Sweating like a paedo in a Barney suit.

I like that one

[pineapple stu]

Sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop is the standard, I thought?

[Newryrep]

Not so much a joke but very funny.

Spoof entries in Queen Mum Book of condolences

"A heartfelt tribute Ultra Bronco Spaniel.


"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
- L.Ward, Mansfield.

"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".
- A.Christie,Hendon.

"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shi*.
- J.Clement. Grantham.

"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
- D.Holmes, Somerset.

"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She ****ed herself later though, it was sickening".
- B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".
- L. J.Worthington, Penrith

"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
- S.Wilson, Bristol.

"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
- E. Franks, Cheshire.

"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
- W.Waugh, Richmond.

"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".
- N. Wallace, Swansea.

"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
- E. Thompson, West Lothian.

"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
- P.McGregor, Southampton.

"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
- R. Thompson, Bath.

"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried"
- E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
- R. Combes, Romford.

"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard"
- G. Hollins, East Sussex.

"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not true' she said, 'you don't smell of ****'. She was a wondrous person".
- E.Collier, London.

"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
- G.Williams, West Midlands.

"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
- L. Weller, Harlow.

"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless *******!"
- J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort"
- T.D.Wainwright, Hastings."

[the 12 th man]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one.

[dcfc1985]

Pavarotti's family have rang round a few funeral parlours and asked if they can have a funeral for a tenor..they told them to f*ck off and hung up.

[smellyfeet]

Went into the butchers the other day and he said "I'll sell ya 8 legs of Venison for 60 quid",

I said "No, it was too deer".

[dcfc1985]

not really a joke but a good line:

"jees i was on the beer all weekend, and i was sweating like a dyslexic on countdown all night last night!" or sweating like a priest in a playground, paedo in a playground, priest in a hoor house etc etc. Anyone have any better?

I'm sweating like Ron Atkinson at the Notting Hill carnival

[loscherland]

So pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates......
St peter opens them and says 'oh it's you luciano, come on in. squeeze
through'.
pavarotti says 'hold on, i've got an envelope for you, from the pope.'
st peter opens it up and reads it….







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'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'

[shedite]

Some podge and rodge quotes:

You’re as welcome as a f@rt in a spacesuit……..

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician……….

As funny as a burning orphanage………

He's so camp, he sh1tes tent pegs…………

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes……….

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn……..

Sweatin' like a pedophile in a Barney suit……….

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty kn1ckers to the laundry. ?????

A m1ckey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard……….

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche…………

Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her………..

A sniper wouldn't take her out………..

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle……..

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one………

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p1ss off a nettle…….

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede………

If I'd a garden full of Mickey’s I wouldn't let her look over the wall…….

She grabs that pole like Brian Kennedy in a m1ckey factory……
I'm as sick as a small hospital

I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child

She had a face on her like a well slapped a*se

My mouth's as dry as a nuns cr@ck

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup

I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

As busy as the dalkey dole office

As tight as a nun's kn1ckers

I'm so h0rny I'd get up on the crack of dawn

Up and down like a hoor's kn1ckers

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt

I left her with a face like a painters radio

As fit as a butcher's dog

Not even the tide would take her out

Daz wouldn't shift her

Des Kelly wouldn't lay her