ExcellentOriginally Posted by strangeirish
I took my duck to the Vet.
The Vet said, “Your duck is dead.” I said, "Are you sure?" He said "Yes."
“How can you be sure you've done no tests” I asked.
So then the Vet brings in a Labrador dog, which sniffs the duck and shakes its head.
Next, a cat comes in and sniffs my duck and shakes its head.
... The Vet turns to me and says, “Sorry, but as I said your duck is dead.” Then hands me the bill.
"€820! to tell me my duck is dead!"
The Vet says, “Well, if you had taken my word for it the bill would be €20 but Lab Reports and Cat Scans cost extra!
Ba-dum-tish.
Out!
Ooooouuuuuuttttt!
A friend of mine just broke up with his cross-eyed girlfriend...Apparently, she was seeing someone on the side...
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
It's the first of October, will someone wake up yer man from Green Day?
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
Is it wrong the last 2 made me lol?
Sey ti si!
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Finglas Vasectomy:
After having their 11th child, a Finglas couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.
... The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem, but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light
it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Finglas Man said to the doctor 'I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me'
'Trust me, it will do the job' said the doctor..
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5', at which point he
paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so that he could continue
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Clondalkin, Ballymun, Coolock, Darndale, and
anywhere in the Tallaght area
Long Live King Kenny
A Good Golf Story ,,,,,, Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around
... in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know
I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken
America was once the place of Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs, now it has no Hope no Cash and no Jobs.
What's the difference between Martin McGuinness and Dana? Nobody can remember any of Dana's hits!
Your typical Junior B line up
Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.
Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday
morning.
Full back - First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is
a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.
Left corner back - Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.
Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game".
Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at agm and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.
Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.
midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match ****-up.
midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats
five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.
Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying ****** in national school".
Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not A.I. in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.
Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is
basically the team's only source of points.
Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played football since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.
Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "he's a good man to bust up the
play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.
Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.
My Guarantee
Am looking for old Irish matches on VHS, PM me if you have some and I'll upload them here
The lead actor in the Aladdin pantomime was sexually abused from behind last night.
To be fair, the audience did try to warn him...
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
heres hoping we make it past Estonia although if we qualify theres a fair chance we'd get Spain, Italy and Greece in the groups - the group of debt!
Finally, after decades of torture and oppression, one of the world's most disgusting and horrifying regimes has come to an end. The people of the world can once again sleep soundly in their beds.
Westlife have split up!!
Long Live King Kenny
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