Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**Macy** · 30/08/2001, 9:52 AM

MOD NOTE: This thread contains some smutty and/or slightly dodgy jokes. We try to keep the truly offensive stuff out - and dole out infractions for same - but humour is objective and if you're of a senstive nature you may be offended by some jokes and shouldn't continue. Of course there's nothing stopping you starting a clean jokes thread if that's the case, but nobody's had the brains to do that yet. Which probably says something in and of itself.

Q. Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of liverpool players on them and people couldn''t figure out which side to spit on.

Q. What''s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead liverpool fan in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What do you have when 100 liverpool fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What do liverpool fans use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. You''re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a liverpool fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the liverpool fan - twice.

Q. What''s the difference between the liverpool goalie and Pamela Anderson?
A. Pamela''s only got two tits in front of her.

A Manc bloke is having a noisy drink in a bar, leans over to the big guy next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a liverpool joke?"
The big guy replies: "Well, mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I''m from liverpool, six feet tall, 105 kgs and I played as a forward for them since I was twelve. The guy sitting next to me is 6"2",weighs 115 kgs and he''s also an ex liverpool player. Next to him is a bloke who''s 6"5", weighs 120kgs and he''s a current player.Now, do you stillwant to tell
that liverpool joke?"
The Manc guy replies: "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three ****in'' times."

**Pauro 76** · 30/08/2001, 12:43 PM

Anyone got any Manc jokes????
Man United - PRIDE OF SINGAPORE!

**Xlex** · 03/09/2001, 11:40 AM

> A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a
>severe
> > engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such
> > that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours
>of
> > swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy
> > shores.Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of
>miles
> > from home,he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found
> > himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the
>beach,
> > another survivor from the crash.
> >
> > He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives
>her
> > the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As
>she
> > wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is............It's
> > Jennifer Lopez.
> >
> > Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an
>immediate
> > bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they
> > fall madly in love.
> >
> > One day Jennifer is walking down the beach and notices her new found
>love
> > sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of
> > sorrow on his face. Feeling there's something wrong, she wanders over
>to
> > him, and asks what is wrong.
> >
> > "Jennifer. The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.
>We've
> > found this Island paradise. We have all the food and water we could
> > require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something
> > missing."
> >
> > Jennifer replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do
> > anything".
> > "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
> >
> > "OK"
> >
> > "And my trousers?"
> >
> > "OK"
> >
> > At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from theground, and
>draws
> > a neat moustache on her lips.
> >
> > "OK....... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off
>the
> > other way and meet you half way."
> >
> > "OK dear, what ever will make you happy."
> >
> > So off they set. After half an hour walking he eventually sees her
>heading
> > towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint,
> > running up to her and grabbing her by the shoulders. He then
> > shouts............
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > * ..........."Mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging!!!!"

**Macy** · 03/09/2001, 1:03 PM

>A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's
>pulled over by the Police.
>
>The police officer approaches him and asks : "Have you been drinking
Sir?"
>
>"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
>
>"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
>
>It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me
suspicious."

**Citymark** · 03/09/2001, 1:08 PM

Q. Why do Scots men wear kilts???
A. Because sheep have cotton on'd to the sound of a zip!!

**Xlex** · 03/09/2001, 1:11 PM

Also when the neighbour catches you, it's easier to run with a kilt around your neck than it is run with your trousers around your ankles..........

**Xlex** · 03/09/2001, 1:54 PM

Privilages of a moderator! jumping Citymark like that

**daithi** · 20/09/2001, 9:42 AM

Ian Paisley gets accidentally cyrogenically frozen for 50 years.

When he wakes up, the first question from his big, angry
mouth is "What the hell happened?".

His doctor comes over and says "Good afternoon Mr. Paisley You have been
cryogenically frozen for 50 years, and I have good news and bad news for
you."

To which Iain replies "Whats the bad news?"

"Well," says the doc, "Ireland invaded England 25 years ago, Gerry Adams is
Prime Minister, and Dana has been crowned Queen."

"Good ****e!" cries Iain. "Whats the GOOD news?"

"Rangers beat Celtic last night" says his doc, with a smile.

Iain sits back and smiles. "What was the score?"

His doc turns to him and says "Three goals and twelve points to One goal and
sixteen points".

**James** · 20/09/2001, 9:52 AM

and that one certainly is old
havent heard that for 4 or 5 years

**R�iteoir** · 20/09/2001, 11:30 AM

Love that joke!!!

Here's another Paisley joke, as old as the ages...

I was walking down Belfast High Street last Saturday, and who should I see in the distance, Ian Paisley, standing there with a bike in his hands, above his head.

I went up to Paisley and asked him:

"Dr Paisley, why have you got that bicycle above your head?"

To which Paisley replies at the top of his voice:

"I'M HOLDING A RALEIGH!!""

The old ones are always the best...

**James** · 20/09/2001, 1:32 PM

ok so not to be outdone, another classic

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work
in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists
spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that
writes in 0 gravity, upside down, underwater, on
almost any surface including glass and at temperatures
ranging from below freezing to over 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

**James** · 21/09/2001, 10:01 AM

continuing the thread of old jokes
this one from rebel

A great style of investing!!!!

1 year ago if you had bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock you would
currently have $60.00.

If you had bought $1,000 worth of beer in the USA (where cans have a
return
value) you would currently have $79 worth of EMPTY beer cans.

Sell Equities. Buy Beer

**pete** · 21/09/2001, 10:59 AM

Plagerism! Typical student!

You should have included the publish date etc...

**James** · 21/09/2001, 11:10 AM

how can it be plagerism if I included the source of my material?

**James** · 21/09/2001, 4:05 PM

> > > > We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%
Here's to
> > > >achieving 103%
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Here's a little math that might prove helpful
> > > > in the future! What makes life 100% ??
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > IF,
> > > >
> > > > A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
> > > > 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Then,
> > > >
> > > > H A R D W O R K
> > > > 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > K N O W L E D G E
> > > > 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > But,
> > > >
> > > > A T T I T U D E
> > > > 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > However,
> > > >
> > > > B U L L S H I T
> > > > 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

**pete** · 21/09/2001, 4:41 PM

[SIZE=4]AHEM?[/SIZE]

[FONT=courier new]source?[/FONT]

**James** · 21/09/2001, 4:53 PM

yea sry source UCC jokes list
thats an old one pete

**Pauro 76** · 01/10/2001, 6:43 PM

OH OSAMA BIN LADEN

YOU SON OF A BITCH

MAY YOUR BALLS DEVELOP

A 7 YEAR ITCH

MAY YOUR PECKER BE TWISTED

IN SUCH A MANNER

THAT YOUR ******* WHISTLES

THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER

GOD BLESS AMERICA !!!!!!!!!!!!

**Pauro 76** · 01/10/2001, 6:43 PM

thats A*S*S*H*O*L*E* by the way....

**A face** · 02/10/2001, 3:42 PM

Concerned at the state of the world, Paddy decides on trying to get an audience with the Pope. He flies to Rome and on arriving at the Vatican he knocks on the huge door of the Pope's residence. When the door is answered by a polite young priest Paddy asks, "Is himself in?". Paddy is told that the Pope does not grant audiences with just anybody and to please go home. Undeterred, Paddy returns day-after-day only to be told that the Pope will not see him. Finally the exasperated priest drags Paddy inside the door with a furtive glance left and right before shutting it behind him. The priest throws Paddy against the wall and grabbing him by the lapels says "Look, Mr Irishman, the reason that the Pope cannot see you is because he is dead. We cannot tell as we have no successor and we don't panic in the Catholic world. Now, please go away and don't tell a soul"

Thrown back onto the street, Paddy takes a flight home disappointed that he can't see the Pope. By the time the plane lands in Cork airport, Paddy has a plan. He takes a taxi to the nearest betting office and asks for odds on having the Pope announced dead in the next week. The man behind the counter offers 100/1 and Paddy promptly puts his life's savings down. On the way home he stops for a pint and can't help bragging to his mate Murphy about his dead cert. "What don't you do the same, we can't lose!".

2 days later the Pope is announced dead and Paddy walks, whistling, to the betting office. He hands in his stub and receives a huge wad of money, some �250,000. On the way out he sees his friend Murphy, weeping in the gutter. "What happened boy, he died and we're loaded" said Paddy. Murphy looks up with tears in his eyes, "I went for a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury!!!!!!"