Originally Posted by
Michael Deacon
Important moments in history, described in the style of the BBC’s ever-cheerful World Cup analyst, Mark Lawrenson
God creates the heaven and the earth
Six days? Six whole days? I’ll be honest with you, Jonathan – I’d have expected quicker than that. There’s been a lot of hype around this God lad, and He’s not exactly lived up to it so far, has He? If I were His manager I’d be concerned about His workrate. Six days. At Liverpool Bob Paisley used to create the heaven and the earth in five days, tops. Bill Shankly could do it in three.
Give Him his due, Jonathan, He’s done all right making the firmament and dividing the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And He’s not done too bad creating great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind. That was okay.
But what’s all this about promising to give man dominion over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth? I don’t think so, somehow, do you? Me and the missus went on a camping holiday to Scotland last year and we had absolutely no dominion over every creeping thing that creepeth upon that campsite, I’ll tell you that for nothing. Our Susie was up half the night covered in bites.
I can’t say I’m impressed by God’s positional sense, either. He’s literally all over the place.
The invention of the wheel
I just can’t see it catching on, Jonathan. I know the wheel is meant to be the latest thing, and I’m sure it’s very fashionable in London, but any normal person is going to look at it and think, “What am I supposed to do with that?” It’s too big to use as a plate. It’s too heavy to use as a Frisbee. You can’t even use it as a football, because although it looks round from one angle, it actually isn’t if you turn it on its side. I just don’t see the point of it.
It’s a fad, and 10 years from now everyone will have forgotten it. End of story.
Jesus feeds the five thousand
Don’t get me wrong, Jonathan, this lad Christ is a promising young prophet. But trying to feed 5,000 people on only five loaves and two fishes? That’s just poor planning. Goodness knows what they teach them at these Judean catering colleges. If you’re expecting 5,000 covers, you’re looking at, what, 1,000 loaves and 2,500 fishes, minimum. It’s not rocket science. I just think Christ needs to cut out these basic errors.
This disciple lot don’t seem that bothered, mind you. The way they go on about him, you’d think he could walk on water.
The Roman conquest of Britain
So poor, Jonathan. Where was the defence? This Roman attack is powder-puff, but they’ve walked right through these ancient tribesmen like they weren’t even there. What do the tribesmen think they’re doing with all these spears and slingshots? It’s guns you want, Jonathan. Guns and tanks and bombs and planes. Where were the missiles? I just don’t think the tribe’s manager’s done his homework.
I tell you what, we’ve seen next to nothing of this Boudicca lad everyone’s been talking about. I think he’s started to believe his own hype.
The building of the Taj Mahal
One of the universally admired masterpieces of the world’s heritage? Give me strength, Jonathan. Call that a jawab? These Mughals wouldn’t know a roofed chhatri if it bit them on the backside. My youngest could make better minarets out of a couple of used toilet rolls.
Taj Mahal? Taj Ma-Hell, more like.
The sinking of the Titanic
No prizes for predicting this one, Jonathan. You could see it coming a mile off. What’s the first thing they teach you at shipping school? Lesson one: don’t sail into an iceberg. And what’s the captain done? Sailed into an iceberg. It’s schoolboy stuff, Jonathan.
I just think the captain needs to go back to the drawing board and have another look at his tactics, because Plan A is most definitely not working.
Emily Davison throws herself in front of the King’s horse
I’ve said it before, Jonathan, and I’ll say it again: call me old-fashioned, but Suffragism is a man’s game.
Look at Davison here. I’m not being funny, but she’s turned up at the Epsom Derby, she’s run on to the track, and then she’s tried to grab the bridle of George V’s horse. Talk about poor decision-making. How’s that going to win women the vote? It’s politicians you want to talk to, love, not horses. I don’t care what these Suffragettes say, the right to vote is not decided by a horse, even a royal one. Never has been, never will be. I just think she’s been naïve.
The moon landings
“One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”? What’s that supposed to mean when it’s at home? It’s nonsense, Jonathan. Pure and simple. Armstrong’s had all the time in the world to come up with a memorable catchphrase, and he’s blown it. He’s frozen on the big occasion.
I remember when we drew the moon in the quarter-finals of the European Cup the year we won the treble under Joe Fagan. The away leg was in the Sea of Tranquility. It’s not an easy place to go, and if you make a mistake there’s literally nowhere to hide. No atmosphere, either. Still, we kept it tight, took them back to Anfield for the return, and the rest is history.
His own birth
I just think it was disappointing, Jonathan. Everyone had been building it up for ages, and then on the day it’s like, “So what?” Into the birth canal, couple of pushes, out we go, no big deal. Everyone was making all this fuss, “Ooh he’s got your eyes, Jim, ooh he’s got your chin, Barbara.” I just thought, “Seen it all before.”
It took me a few months to learn to walk, and I didn’t say my first word till I was a year old, but at the end of the day I’d just put that down to lack of experience.
If Van Persie's trotts haven't dried up by this evening, it might be tough for them plus the game against Costa Rica will have taken a lot out of them. A Dutch/German Final will be great but I have a sneaking suspicion it will be Messi.
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