A carton of yogurt walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
The yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why? I’m cultured.”
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A carton of yogurt walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
The yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why? I’m cultured.”
What's the difference between Australia and a pot of yoghurt?
Leave it alone for a couple of hundred years, and yoghurt will develop its own culture.
Man City have announced that a new face will soon be arriving at Eastlands.
Tevez and Lescott have been fighting over it.
osama bin laden was arrested by police in wales for having sex with sheep.
he's been reported as saying 'they were islams and he'll do what he wants with them'
why was phil's girlfriend annoyed ???
because she found out that phillips 24 inch was a TV . :D
What's the best form of contraception?
Cum on her face.
You sure thats a joke and not a scientific fact?Quote:
Originally Posted by DmanDmythDledge
In her mouth is probably safer.Quote:
Originally Posted by DmanDmythDledge
Jaysus, what was she planning on doing with 24 inches worth of it anyway?Quote:
Originally Posted by old git
One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love."
Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think."
Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet."
Confused, the teacher asked why.
Johnny replied, "When I walked past my mom's room last night, she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"
I was hoping to do a degree in Sexual Education. I didnt get in coz I failed the oral.
whats the difference between swine flu and Liverpool
swine flu is still in europe
2 plane loads of volunteers from limerick have just taken off from shannon airport
heading for haiti to assist with the looting :D:D
Union negotiations
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced the number rof virgins a suicide bomber would receive after death will be cut by 15% next January from 72 to 60 .The rational for the cut was the increase in the recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the after life.
The suicide bombers’ bombers, union, the British organisation of occupational martyrs (or B, O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. The general secretary Abdullah Amir told the press ‘Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad’. We don’t ask much for in return but to be treated like this by the management is a kick in the teeth.
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgin, but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be Bourne entirely by the workforce and not by the management.’ Last Christmas Abu Hamas alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,00 virgin ‘Complained Amir, And you can be sure they’ll all be pretty ones too.how can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work.
Speaking from a shed in the west midlands in which he currently resides Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “we sympathise with our brother worker concerns, but Al-Qaida is simply not in apposition to meet the demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of the modern –day Jihad, in a completitive marketplace. Thanks to western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the after life. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying off people. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up. He defended the management bonuses by claiming the are necessary to attract good, fanaticalclerics.”How am I supposed to attract the best of people if I can’t compete with the private sector. Asked bin –laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifices allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying “I’ll be buggered if I’ am agreeing to anything like that, it’s too much to swallow.
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, Suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which is a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of the branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with the striking brethren.
Spokesperson in North East of England, Swindon, north Kent and the entire Australian Continent stated that this world not affect the operations as” there are NO Virgins in their areas anyway
:D
What a waste of bandwidth.
Moved to the jokes thread, despite my reservations about qualification...
man united - PRIDE OF EVERYWHEREQuote:
Originally Posted by Pauro 76
How do you pull a fat bird?
.
.
.
.
Piece of cake
on BBC 606...........
Apparently Wayne Bridge has sent Vanessa a replica of his John Thomas made out of Cadbury's chocolate. But she sent it back saying she preferred Terrys.
Wayne Bridge has notified Fabio Capello that he will not travel to the World Cup and play in an England side with John Terry in it. Capello has sent Terry round to Emile Heskeys house looking for his missus....
Man walks into the Butchers and says, " can i have a pound of Kiddly's" "Kiddly's?" says the Butcher, man says "thats what i said Didlle I".
Second man walks into the Butchers and says, "can i have a nice piece of meat", Butcher says "any piece of meat in particular sir" man says "i'll have that piece of meat on the top shelve" Butcher says "sorry sir, the steaks are too high".
ashley cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50 mph zone . when questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said
" i've just heard john terrys car is parked outside my house "
From the letters page of todays Irish Examiner.
What's the difference between a pothole in Ireland and a cigarette?
A cigarette has more tar in it.
http://www.cbc.ca/gfx/images/sports/...60701getty.jpg
Terry : 'What a ****e couple of years. Lost loads in the bookies, lost a scrap in a nightclub, Mum's a thief, Dad's a druggy and I missed the decisive penalty in the Champions League final'
Bridge : ' Hey, count yourself lucky mate.....I've just found out my missus has got Aids
I heard Eamon Lillis stood up in court to make his case and said "I misunderstood my wife when she said she wanted a decking in the back garden"......
Toyota have apologised for not spotting the fault which causes loss of control.
They would have noticed it sooner if the Yaris had actually been bought by men.
I've decided to kill my wife and make it look like an accident.
Bought her a new Toyota.
Can't wait for the new Arnold Schwarzenegger movie
Toyota Recall.
When are Toyota going to take responsibility for the accelerator problem?
Think someone needs to put their foot down.
John Terry has explained he didn't mean to have sex with Vanessa Perroncel - he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty.
Why did Lieutenant Uhura leave star trek??? Cause William Shatner!!!
I know its Probably been posted before but its a classic!!!
I fully understand what the Haitians are going through. When I've had ten Aftershocks, I have trouble finding my house too.
just broke up woth my haitian girlfriend
she was crushed, ;)
scientist have discovered a new drug for lesbians, its called trycoxagain, :D
Funny that, a lesbian scientist friend of mine was saying that it isn't as effective as something called Di-xarmofunQuote:
Originally Posted by don ramo
Perhaps I'm getting old, but despite the fact that I haven't paid that much attention to Haiti, I still don't find those jokes funny.
Probably says something about me too that it took me a couple of goes to get it as I can't say that word in my head without pronouncing the 'x' as it should be, as a 'z'.:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Bluebeard
Indeed.Quote:
Originally Posted by stann
Simply placing the hyphen at the other side of the 'x' would have sorted that out. Shoddy really.
Bluebeard is slipping.
Placing the hyphen after would have made it sound more like "dicks" than "dykes" which was what I was aiming for - I was hoping that the ellision on the x (planned for the "z" style sound) would have carried it. Retrospectively speaking, spelling it "Di-gusarmofun" may have had that effect but I fear it would have lost its more clinical impression on a visual level. I am glad that I achieved the aim of having people have to pronounce it a few times to get it thoguh, as that is the classic thing with medicines, one has difficulty "naming" it until said aloud on a couple of occasions.
Chaos reigns at the Vancover Olympics. Following the Luge accident and subsequent death, the Irish Bobsleigh team are refusing to compete unless the course is gritted.
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on the wall?
Wallnuts
What do you call nuts on your chin?
Deep Throat.
From the county where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Carrick-on-Suir Ireland.
Recently a routine Garda patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening
the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on,
then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more
vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
I checked into a hotel in Bulgaria last week and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded s*xy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is s*x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!
Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'
Whats the difference between the Irish Government and the Mafia? One of them is organised...........
What do you call a woman with an opinion?
Wrong
What do you call a Chinese woman with an opinion?
Wong.
What cheese can be used to hide a horse?
Maskapony
A guy goes to the Civil Service to apply for a job in the Dept of
Agriculture.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the Public Service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army" he says, "I was in Chad for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me and I lost both of my
testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to
4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at
10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to
4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.? I'm Not
looking for any special favours"
"What you have to understand is that this is a civil service job," the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in
for that."