Blonde's answer on a Geometry test..................:D
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Blonde's answer on a Geometry test..................:D
what did the windmill say to robert de niro?
I'm a huge fan......:D
what goes aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh ????
a sheep with no lips....:D :D : quality. see OSO they are the kinda jokes you need to be telling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by paul_oshea
Maybe, but at least I don't keep telling the same joke........Can I get a touche, O Shea:DQuote:
Originally Posted by paul_oshea
ya but they are funny so i think they deserved to be told again.
and if you look closesly the jokes are different!!!
They are. The second one looks like you were having an epileptic fit as you were typing!:D :pQuote:
Originally Posted by paul_oshea
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she was
already dating someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he
went up to her and said "I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me
have sex with
you" ...but the girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the
money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick
it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult
her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very
fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and
accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting
for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls
and asks what happened......
She said ''The ******* used coins''
Ha Ha Ha........excellent!
The phone rings in a blonde's house. "Hello".
"Yes, this is A1 Glass amd Window Company".
"Okay".
"We've sent you a bill for your new windows and are still awaiting payment".
"I'm confused. Your salesman said these double-paned windows would pay for themselves in a year, so I waited".
:D
Ah Jayzus = Oh God
Stall it = Would you guys please wait a second??
Let's stall it = Lets go now
Deadly buzz = This is fun
Howiya boss = How are you??
What's da storrie = Any news??
Pass me da bleedin' duthchy = Could you please pass me that can of rat's ****??
Savage tunes = This music is exquisite
Ah Jayzus...not again = Oh look...im pregnant
Batter burgar 'n' chips = Fine dining
She's a ****in' lash = That female is very atractive
Pay day = The dole
Boat shoes = Dubes
Posho = a very well spoken human being
Do ya want your go?? = I am getting ready 2 fight you
You're poxie = You are not a nice person
Antooooooooo = Anthony
Jasinta = Sorcha
I'm dyin' for a shmoke = I have a serious craving for a cigarette
Celtic are ****in' mental = That football team is quite good
I'll cut troo ya for a short cut = Do u want 2 tussel??
I'm gonna bleedin' kily ya = I'm going 2 dress you like a scottman
****in' deadly = Jolly good show
I shat her ou' = I just gave birth
It's an Antooooo = It's a boy
It's a Jasinta = It's a girl
Stick dat on ya = Put on that hat
Me ****in' gash is killin' me = My private parts are sore
Shut up or I'll ride ya = Hush or I might take advantage of you
Are you stallin' it to spin = I am 10 years old
Will ya scare her?? = Do you want STD's??
She's a slag = She can be easy
Do ya wanna turn?? = Do you find my friend attractive??
Storrie young fella?? = Hello young person
I'll give ya a blow for a shmoke = I'll let you deface me for a cigarette
What is the difference between a woman's track team and a tribe of pigmies?
Answer: The pigmies are a group of cunning runts.
very goodQuote:
Originally Posted by strangeirish
Why did Niall Quinn buy Sunderland?
Cos his young nephew asked for a cowboy outfit for his birthday:rolleyes:
1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit... boots included.
2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse: "Church Of England."
3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand "a go" on a workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.
4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money move to the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he reminded him of Bud Abbot.
5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of augmenting team line-ups with film of each player mouthing his own name. Gascoigne's genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'F***ing W***ker'. The BBC had to use it all the way through the tournament.
6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.
7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England's upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off Norway." Then ran off laughing.
8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out of his sock.
9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000.
10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair extensions. Looked a fool and had them taken out a day later.
11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to the hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton'.
12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in London's Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus driver said yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's impromptu performance.
13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after the infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.
14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew to be a transvestite.
15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during his career. On one occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his hand high to signal a free kick.
16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove that refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after the official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was booked for his troubles.
17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled the beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that his doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98. One reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable response: "I feel like a kebab with onions."
18) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous angler to give him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton promptly threw all but the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown into the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a whopper. Lesson over.
19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took Kevin Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the Newcastle Underground.
20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed Enzo Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he was play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one leg with his tongue lolling out.
21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a post-season tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at home. An emotional Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to bring it to the airport.
22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from Italia 90 by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the legend 'Gazza'.
23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish Chef.
24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped out the filling and replaced it with cat excrement.
25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his training socks and ordered lunch.
26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of Dunston, then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local kids.
27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with a few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the shoulder of a diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him in the cheek.
28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife inside that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or Omo.
29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and caused £310,000 worth of damage.
30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard Gough.
31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the burly boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his nose for five seconds. Jimmy could. Twice.
32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new interest. Picked bingo.
33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."
34) Stuck his tongue out when the TV cameras panned past him during the national anthem at Italia 90.
35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important tournament by playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday sun.
36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before the 1991 FA Cup Final.
37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown, Oliver Hardy and Braveheart for 'photo opportunities'. 38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough, marched into a Sheffield barbers and demanded "a Waddle cut".
39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the deal with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in Hadley Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to thank you for the best three days of our lives."
40) Asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond.
41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder the slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder thought he'd committed suicide.
42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with a cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers".
43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then farting at ear-splitting volume.
44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number 13 that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.
45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh".
46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in his four-wheel drive Jeep.
47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did not. Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read: 'Gazza's Boys, We Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer'.
48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a banner which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta'.
49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with virtually every member of the Genoa side.
50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon for breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and there's no bloody bacon!"
Subject: Chinese Wedding Night
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
not too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the
sheets as her husband undresses He climbs in next to her and tries to be
reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yoo firss time and you berry fwighten. I
pwamis yoo, I gib yoo anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss ask...Anyting
yoo wan. Whatchoo wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try someping I
have hear about... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he queries...
"Yoo wan... Chicken wiff Broccori?
Couple of funny pics......
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
>
> > >most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A
>
> > >long
> > >
> > >black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
> > >feet
>
> > >behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
> > >walking
>
> > >a big German Shepherd Dog on a leash.
> > >
> > >Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man
>
> > >couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
>
> > >walking the dog.
> > >
> > >I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to
> > >disturb
>
> > >you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you
>
> > >walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?
> > >
> > >The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"
> > >
> > >"What happened to her?"
> > >
> > >The man replied " My dog attacked and killed her."
> > >
> > >He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
> > >
> > >The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
>
> > >when the dog turned on her."
> > >
> > >A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
>men.
> > >
> > >
> > >"Can I borrow the dog?"
> > >
> > >"Join the queue"
1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara .
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full Irish breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am .
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!
The miracle of toilet paper
Fresh from a shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead
of telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Puzzled but willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet
paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her
breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks .
He replies, "They will grow larger over a period of years,"
She stops . "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"
"Worked for your arse, didn't it?"
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What in the name of god are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
"...And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this..... )
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She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is
taking a stroll down his local town.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye:
"Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they
make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make.
I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step
into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the
earphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces,
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the
booth again, I can play you have another track."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps
back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't
understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the
sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into
the booth again, you could hear another track."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly
agitated.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,
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"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."
Boom Boom!
Ash.....We need to talk.....I guess that was a bee side joke too!:p
Elephant's Memory - A Touching Story
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so
Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large thorn deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder.Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again,
wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back
and forth along the railing, killing him.
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Probably wasn't the same elephant.
:D
Boom Boom!
Old man is walking is dog down by the Shannon estuary. The dog is his life, he walks it every day. At this one spot he always lets the dog of the lead. The dog never strays far. This one time however the dog sees a Salmon leap and gets excited. He jumps into the water in an attempt to chase it. Suddenly a strong current takes the dog away and pulls him under. A passing German tourist, seeing the old mans dismay jumps in and swims to where the dog went under. He dives down re-emerging from the water a minute later with the dog in his arms. The dog is unconscious but the german puts him down on the river bank and performs CPR on him. After coughing up some water the dog jumps up, shakes himself dry and satrts wagging his tail. The old man is absolutely overjoyed and can't stop shaking the german's hand.
"That was amazing" says the old man "are you a vet?"
The German in disbelief replies "Vet? Look at me, I'm fckin soaking!"
Q. What do you call a fast bun?
A. Scone.
Q. What's the fastest town in Ireland?
A. Tuam.
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Kerry and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Kerry fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Kerry fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Kerry fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Kerry fan, then who are you a fan of?" I'm a Mayo fan, and proud of it,"
Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, are you a Mayo fan?"
"Because my Mum and Dad are from Mayo, and my mum is a Mayo fan and my dad is a Mayo fan, so I'm a Mayo fan too!" Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Mayo fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"
Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Dublin fan."
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a story book myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f---ing map again."
Like when you bought a Dublin City 2006 season ticket :pQuote:
Originally Posted by viking
This might have been on B4.
Wee Johnny comes home from school early one day and finds nobody about so heads up the stairs, when he suddenly hears funny noises coming from one of the bedrooms.
Opens the door and there he sees his mammy on top of daddy and them shagging away.
The mammy shouts "Get out, Get out Johnny and go downstairs and I will explain what I was doing"
Mammy gets dressed and goes down to wee Johnny and explains;" Poor daddy is very sad these days because of his big tummy, so he wanted me to sit on it and try and flatten it back down"
Wee Johnny replies " Thats strange mammy because when you go shopping, wee jimmys mammy next door comes round and blows his tummy back up again and he doesnt look too sad to me":D
Blind man enters lesbian bar by mistake. Finds his way to bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while he yells to bartender in loud voice," Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things....
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is ablonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6 foot, 200 pound blond woman with a Ph.D, a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude!
Now, think about it seriously sir,do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."
do ye know what i cant understand?!?!
german...
do ye know what i can't get over?!?!
a 12ft wall!!
:D
Your leg with jokes like that!!!:DQuote:
Originally Posted by paul_oshea
Heres one:
U2 are doing a concert in Glasgow.
Bono asks the crowd for some silence.
He then starts to clap his hands.
He says into the microphone:
"Everytime I clap my hand a child in Africa dies."
Then someone in the front row screams:
"Well stop fukin clapping then!"
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said;
"I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink , but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied;
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"
two peado's on a beach, one says to the other......sorry could you get out of my son!
CLOCKS
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
" Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bertie Ahern's clock?" asked the man.
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan."
My mother sent me this!
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night
together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have
sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the
counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to
put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a friggin' pervert do you think I am?"
A man walked into the produce section of this local
supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only
sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the
boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some a******* wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the
way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like
people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Monaghan, sir" the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Monaghan?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and
football players!"
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Monaghan."
"No shiit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for"?
Oi Crafty!! Got that as a birthday card but with Liverpool on it. Funnily enough it was from a guy from Limerick?!
Ummm methinks me understands ur slagging Monaghan girls as whores!
The Republic of Ireland football team.