Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler;
he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!
Jack: DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKIN' ISLAND!!!
Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little
********!
Ted: Hello, is that the Yin dynasty? Family, sorry, the Yin family.
Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
Ted: They've taken the roads in.
Bishop Brennan: He DID kick me up the arse!
Father Fitzpatrick: You left the cyanide capsules next to the Valium,
you old fool. That's just asking for trouble!
Jack: (judging a Wet T-shirt competition) More Water!
Jack: ARSEBISCUITS! (WAV)
Jack: A PAIR OF FECKIN' WOMEN'S KNICKERS! (WAV)
Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion
they had to shoot him?
Father Clippit says a good long mass. Four hours he does. Since his
stroke.
No. We're up in space doing important work for NASA.
Eoin McLove: You leave me alone. I could have you killed.
Jack: THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER! (WAV)
Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say
there's about seventeen million of them out there (WAV)
Dougal: It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old
women.
Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes
pheasant as well.
I'm hungry. Where's the jam?
Dougal: The ants are back Ted!
You'd better get going, because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk,
but there's no demand for that. Because it's ****e.
Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch menopause!
Ted: (to Richard Wilson) I don't beleeeeeeeeeve it!
Ted: Once again Dougal, you've made me look like a complete fool in
front of real people. Thanks very much.
Dougal: To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I was just going
to tell you... your fly's open.
Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it,
like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'
Ted: The Chinese. A great bunch of lads!
Jack: I'm sooooo, sooooo, soooo sorry!
Ted: Now that's sarcasm.
Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you *****. Refer to me as 'Bishop
Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.
Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in
black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.
Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can
rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?
Ted: JUST PLAY THE F***ING NOTE!!!
Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are
you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not
really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!
Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this
baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat
Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just
dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.
Dougal: Those women were in the nip! (WAV)
Jack: I love my brick! (WAV)
Mrs Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my
box.
Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at
Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't. (WAV)
Dougal: As if magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.
Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?
Ted: Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north,
where it's colder, and they won't be so stuffy.
Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you
ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even
a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't
scary, I don't know what is.
Mary: (to John) You've a face like a pair o' tits!
John: At least that's one pair between us!
Mrs Doyle: I'm so excited. Taking on three bishops all at once. I can't
wait.
Dougal: How did the sergeant catch Father Jack at all?
Ted: Well, Dougal. He's an elderly priest driving a Flymo at 2 miles per
hour around the island. How hard could it be?
Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for
them.
Dougal: A shower of *******s.
Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Dougal: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!
Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me
name in it.
Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
Dougal: Where?
Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?
Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and
tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink!
Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.
Polly Clarke: My husband. Now there was a man who really was afraid of
Virginia Woolf.
Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?
Dougal: Aah! Brilliant. A load of people in a stable! It's the one thing
I didn't expect.
Ted: So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding
him around and whipping him. For an hour.
Dougal: Yes.
Ted: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?
Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.
Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it
into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and
that's all that matters.
Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: I think Ted has a plan
Dougal: No. I mean in general.
And now on BBC1: Jurassic Park. The Director's Cut. With extra
dinosaurs.
How did that gob****e get on the television?
FLOOR! COR-TAINS! GOB****E!
Ted: Dougal, do we have any incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the other
night....
You're sittin' there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big
smile on your face. Ye daerty fecker. (WAV)
Wait a second. You're Elvis as well!
It's nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.
So then. You're a nun?
Of course... they all have lovely bottoms!
Are those my feet?
Father Brendan: God Ben I'm such an eejit - I've put the shorts - on me
head !
Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time
you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !
Jack: I'm a happy camper!
Ted: Two hundred pounds? I'm not trying to buy cocaine!
John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant
Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.
Jack: Where are the other two?
Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're
all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy! (WAV)
Ted: So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal: Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again.
Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted: Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
"Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats."
"I won't be happy until the last rabbit round here is the one inside
your head, working the controls!"
Ted: Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day -
chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal: Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.
Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh
no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little
things... Raisins!
Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and
"Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!
04/10/2002, 4:26 PM
Éanna
Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!
Mrs Doyle: (whilst Ted is trying to eat a sausage) Oh it's a filthy,
dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over
you with his lad in his
hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear
picture.
Jack: (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted: That's a spoon, Father
Ted: I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack: SACRIFICE? ARSE!
Dougal: Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!
Dougal: Do you believe in God, then Ted?
Dougal: I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think
I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted: I think that process has already begun.
Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable
place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would
he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle
music at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Ted: The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps
it's something to do with that fellow who came over from England last
year. He touched it -
and he grew a beard!
Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.
Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to
life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.
Dougal: Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the
wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about
that?
Ted: Dougal, they're bishops!
(pause)
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
Ted: I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted: ...It won't, no.
Ted: What am I doing on the fecking wheel!!!
Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse! (WAV)
Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows
on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far
away...
Father Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.
Ted: Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring.
Dougal: But Father Damo has one!
Ted: Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
(Dougal nods)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or
something?
Dougal: Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
(Dougal looks very shifty)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the
head for a couple of weeks?
Dougal: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike - I
used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you
know? But after a
while... it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger
thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
Dougal: (falling to his knees and weeping into Ted's crotch) You're
right, Ted, I admit I've got a problem...
Old priest: I really shouldn't be here.
Ted: You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise
now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way. Whereas I was
thinking more along the
lines of Julie Andrews.
Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!
Mrs Doyle: Oh - by the way, Bishop Brennan, your car's parked outside.
Bishop Brennan: I know. I parked it there myself.
Mrs Doyle: Well, if you're looking for the windscreen wipers they're in
the kitchen.
The bishop looks puzzled and worried.
Mrs Doyle: I thought they needed a little wash. The only trouble is... I
broke the side window as I was snapping them off.
Bishop Brennan: Leave my car alone and don't touch it again!
Mrs Doyle: Right you are Bishop. Oh! Just one thing - is your car petrol
or diesel?
Bishop Brennan: Leave it alone Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: (laughing) Oh no, Your Grace, this is just curiosity. Is it
petrol or...?
Bishop Brennan: It's diesel, it's diesel!
Mrs Doyle: Oh right. So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I was to
put petrol in it?
Bishop Brennan: Yes. It would completely ruin the car's engine.
Mrs Doyle: Oooh! Well! (hysterical laughter) I certainly won't be doing
that then! (turns to leave with a look of horror and guilt on her face)
My Lovely Horse
Ted and Dougal's entry in the Euro Song Contest (series 2 show 4).
"My Lovely Horse
Running through the.. field
Where are you going
With your fetlocks blowing
In the... wind
I want to shower you with sugar lumps
And ride you over...fences
I want to polish your hooves every single day
And bring you to the horse... dentist
My lovely horse
You're a pony no... more
Running around
With a man on your back
Like a train in the night
Like a train in the... (hang on I can get this)... night!
This is unsurprisingly easy to play on the guitar, as Ted's guitar
technique is not formidable. It's a G chord, except on 'field', 'wind',
'fences', 'dentist' and the final
'night', where it's a C (sort of). For the full effect, take much longer
to change between chords than is actually necessary (unless you're a
really ****e guitarist).
