Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!
Mrs Doyle: (whilst Ted is trying to eat a sausage) Oh it's a filthy,
dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over
you with his lad in his
hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear
picture.
Jack: (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted: That's a spoon, Father
Ted: I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack: SACRIFICE? ARSE!
Dougal: Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!
Dougal: Do you believe in God, then Ted?
Dougal: I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think
I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted: I think that process has already begun.
Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable
place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would
he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle
music at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Ted: The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps
it's something to do with that fellow who came over from England last
year. He touched it -
and he grew a beard!
Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.
Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to
life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.
Dougal: Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the
wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about
that?
Ted: Dougal, they're bishops!
(pause)
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
Ted: I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted: ...It won't, no.
Ted: What am I doing on the fecking wheel!!!
Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse! (WAV)
Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows
on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far
away...
Father Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.
Ted: Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring.
Dougal: But Father Damo has one!
Ted: Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
(Dougal nods)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or
something?
Dougal: Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
(Dougal looks very shifty)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the
head for a couple of weeks?
Dougal: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike - I
used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you
know? But after a
while... it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger
thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
Dougal: (falling to his knees and weeping into Ted's crotch) You're
right, Ted, I admit I've got a problem...
Old priest: I really shouldn't be here.
Ted: You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise
now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way. Whereas I was
thinking more along the
lines of Julie Andrews.
Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!
Mrs Doyle: Oh - by the way, Bishop Brennan, your car's parked outside.
Bishop Brennan: I know. I parked it there myself.
Mrs Doyle: Well, if you're looking for the windscreen wipers they're in
the kitchen.
The bishop looks puzzled and worried.
Mrs Doyle: I thought they needed a little wash. The only trouble is... I
broke the side window as I was snapping them off.
Bishop Brennan: Leave my car alone and don't touch it again!
Mrs Doyle: Right you are Bishop. Oh! Just one thing - is your car petrol
or diesel?
Bishop Brennan: Leave it alone Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: (laughing) Oh no, Your Grace, this is just curiosity. Is it
petrol or...?
Bishop Brennan: It's diesel, it's diesel!
Mrs Doyle: Oh right. So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I was to
put petrol in it?
Bishop Brennan: Yes. It would completely ruin the car's engine.
Mrs Doyle: Oooh! Well! (hysterical laughter) I certainly won't be doing
that then! (turns to leave with a look of horror and guilt on her face)
My Lovely Horse
Ted and Dougal's entry in the Euro Song Contest (series 2 show 4).
"My Lovely Horse
Running through the.. field
Where are you going
With your fetlocks blowing
In the... wind
I want to shower you with sugar lumps
And ride you over...fences
I want to polish your hooves every single day
And bring you to the horse... dentist
My lovely horse
You're a pony no... more
Running around
With a man on your back
Like a train in the night
Like a train in the... (hang on I can get this)... night!
This is unsurprisingly easy to play on the guitar, as Ted's guitar
technique is not formidable. It's a G chord, except on 'field', 'wind',
'fences', 'dentist' and the final
'night', where it's a C (sort of). For the full effect, take much longer
to change between chords than is actually necessary (unless you're a
really ****e guitarist).
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