Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[pete]

You were saying?

[SIZE=4]AHEM?[/SIZE]

[FONT=courier new]source?[/FONT]

[James]

yea sry source UCC jokes list
thats an old one pete

[Pauro 76]

a wee poem

OH OSAMA BIN LADEN

YOU SON OF A BITCH

MAY YOUR BALLS DEVELOP

A 7 YEAR ITCH

MAY YOUR PECKER BE TWISTED

IN SUCH A MANNER

THAT YOUR ******* WHISTLES

THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER



GOD BLESS AMERICA !!!!!!!!!!!!

[Pauro 76]

thats A*S*S*H*O*L*E* by the way....

[A face]

Backing the Pope !!

Concerned at the state of the world, Paddy decides on trying to get an audience with the Pope. He flies to Rome and on arriving at the Vatican he knocks on the huge door of the Pope's residence. When the door is answered by a polite young priest Paddy asks, "Is himself in?". Paddy is told that the Pope does not grant audiences with just anybody and to please go home. Undeterred, Paddy returns day-after-day only to be told that the Pope will not see him. Finally the exasperated priest drags Paddy inside the door with a furtive glance left and right before shutting it behind him. The priest throws Paddy against the wall and grabbing him by the lapels says "Look, Mr Irishman, the reason that the Pope cannot see you is because he is dead. We cannot tell as we have no successor and we don't panic in the Catholic world. Now, please go away and don't tell a soul"

Thrown back onto the street, Paddy takes a flight home disappointed that he can't see the Pope. By the time the plane lands in Cork airport, Paddy has a plan. He takes a taxi to the nearest betting office and asks for odds on having the Pope announced dead in the next week. The man behind the counter offers 100/1 and Paddy promptly puts his life's savings down. On the way home he stops for a pint and can't help bragging to his mate Murphy about his dead cert. "What don't you do the same, we can't lose!".

2 days later the Pope is announced dead and Paddy walks, whistling, to the betting office. He hands in his stub and receives a huge wad of money, some £250,000. On the way out he sees his friend Murphy, weeping in the gutter. "What happened boy, he died and we're loaded" said Paddy. Murphy looks up with tears in his eyes, "I went for a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury!!!!!!"

[dahamsta]

A key-avan joke (sorry)

Never heard this one before meself...

A couple of lads from Cavan are out hunting for pheasants or something in the woods in a remote region between Cavan and Longford when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. Well, the other fella doesn't know what to do, but he has a moment of inspiration, and he whips out his mobile phone and he rings RTE.

He gasps to the operator in Montrose and he tries to explain the situation as best he can, and says: "Please put me through to Joe Duffy on 'Liveline'
as fast as ye can."

So the operator puts him through, and he starts blabbing away to Joe Duffy: "Joe, Joe, ye have to help me, I don't know what to do! Me best friend is
dead! What can I do?"

Then Joe, in a very calm and soothing voice, says: "OK caller, just take it easy. I can help. First, let's just make absolutely sure he's dead."

... There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The lad's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK Joe, now what?"

[gustavo]

Jokes

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the
bell
for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The
driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the
bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the
electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants
him a final wish. "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over
there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that banana?" The executioner
gives
the man his banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished,
the
executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts
through
the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner
can't
believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner,
"that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets his
job
back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to
go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is
killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric
chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to
the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the
chair. "What is your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that
banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The
executioner sighs
and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and
the
executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair
blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there
smiling
in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. Well,
would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again
he
rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three
of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all
the worlds electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The
man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish?" asks the
executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that banana out of your
packed
lunch." The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all,
skin
included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion
volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there
alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't
understand how you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin.
"It's something to do with that banana isn't it?" he asked.
"Nahh," said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor."

[gustavo]

Old as the proverbial hills

A woman came home just in time to find her husband
>> > >> > in bed with
>> > >> > another woman. With superhuman strength borne of
>> > >> > fury, she dragged
>> > >> > her husband down the stairs to the garage and put
>> > >> > his penis in a
>> > >> > vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the
>> > >> > handle.
>> > >> > Next she picked up a hacksaw.
>> > >> >
>> > >> > The husband terrified screamed,
>> > >> > "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?
>> > >> >
>> > >> > The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said,
>> > >> > "Nope. You are.
>> > >> > I'm going to set the garage on fire

[Citymark]

Dinasours

Q. What do you call a homosexual dinasour?
A. Megasorearse!

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinasour?
A. Melickalotofpuss

Q. What do you call a paediofile dinasour?
A. BARNEY!!!

[A face]

Post Xmas letter !!

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today,
the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to
clear up certain things that have occurred since the
beginning of the month.  When filled with illusion, I
wrote you my letter.  I asked for a bicycle, an
electric train set, a pair of  roller blades and a
football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year.  Not
only was I the first in my class, but I had the best
grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to
you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that
behaved better than me, with my parents, my  brothers,
my friends and  with my neighbours.  I would go on
errands and even  helped the elderly  cross the road.
There was virtually nothing within reach that I would
not do for humanity.
What sort of balls do you have leaving me a f ucking
yo-yo, a poxy whistle and a pair of f ucking socks.
What the f uck were you thinking, you fat f ucking son
of  a b itch.  You've taken me for a sucker the whole
f ucking year to come  out with this f ucking s hit that
I found under the tree.
As if you hadn't' f ucked me enough, you gave that
little p rick across the  road so many toys he cant
even walk into his house.  The little c unt  didn't
know what to play with first.  I soon fixed that for
the little f ucking  f aggot.  Please don't   let me see
you trying to get your  big fat f ucking a rse down my
chimney next year.  I'll f uck you up, I'll
stick the  biggest f ucking pitchfork I can find right
up your hole.  I'll throw rocks at your f ucking
reindeers and scare them away to f uck, then
you can f ucking walk home you b ollix, just like I have
to walk since I didn't get  the f ucking bike I asked
for.


F UCK YOU SANTA,

LITTLE JOHNNY.

[Gunthers Mask]

Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
A woman won't accept a 3 and a half inch floppy!!

[A face]

Christmas party !!

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director...
To: All staff
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the staff Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a trad jazz band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the
CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a
non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate
this
request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't
be
anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs.
Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party
-
the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for a
doggy
bag take-home kit in little foil containers. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit furthest from the
dessert
buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the loos. Did I miss
anything?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of
sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. OK???

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there
is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition,
folks, like those pumpkins at Halloween or green pints on Paddy's Day or
family
feuds during the Christmas Top of the Pops, or broken hearts on Valentine's
Day.
Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? Vee bloody gans? That's it I've had it with the whole lot
of
you!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether
you
like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill
of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar,
including organic tomatoes... but you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream
right now!

FROM: Karen Jones, Acting HR Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Smith and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat a speedy recovery from her
stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
rest home. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy
Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas

[Ash]

Jokes

Sky Sports are aggressively expanding their portfolio, and have just acquired
the rights to the world origami championships. Fans without premium channels
are, however, up in arms

Sadly it's pay-per-view

Boom Boom!

[paul_oshea]

i dont get whats funny about that.

[Peadar]

i dont get whats funny about that.

origami = paper folding
Pay per view = word play on "paper" view

Paul = Sap!