Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[osarusan]

There are only 3 kinds of people; those who can count and those who can't.

[Real ale Madrid]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.


The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.


'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration... 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..


'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

[osarusan]

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

- I don't know and I don't care.

[Lev Yashin]

I went to a night class for Fonzy impersionations.

I just got my results...
I got straight eeeeeyyyyyy's! :)

[Deckydee]

Paddy and his friends are at a bar, and there is a prize to be won for the person who gives the best toast. Paddy takes the win by saying, "heres to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife."
Later Paddy goes home and wakes up his wife and goes, "look, wife, I've won a prize for the best toast!"
The wife says,"what did you say?"
"Ummm...spending the rest of me life in church!"
"Thats sweet" the wife smiles.
A couple of days later Paddy and his wife are out, and they see one of Paddys friends from the bar.
He says," congrats on winning Paddy!"
The wife kisses Paddy on the cheek,"He is so sweet"
Paddys mate goes,"Aye, but did he tell you what he won it for?"
"Yeah, but to be honest I was very surprised...he's only been there twice!The first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him behind the ears to make him come!"

------------------------------------------------

After spending a night in a hotel I went to the reception desk.

The receptionist said, "Can I check you out sir?"

I said, "Go for it, I hope you like what you see".

[Ciaran W]

Ive just been sent home from work early.
Apparently, having a 'dress down day' for the pakistan flood appeal does not justify showing up in a lifejacket, flippers and water wings.

[Ciaran W]

Fifa president Sepp Blatter has come under more critism about goal line technology, this time from his wife
''i know how they feel, ive been asking him if it was in or not for years'' said his wife.

[Ciaran W]

Ive always wanted to punch Michael Buble around, but i just havent met him yet !

[John83]

Ive just been sent home from work early.
Apparently, having a 'dress down day' for the pakistan flood appeal does not justify showing up in a lifejacket, flippers and water wings.
Is it wrong that I clicked on this tab without reading the thread title, read the first sentence and thought, "Bloody Rovers fans"?

[Ciaran W]

No i guess it wouldn't be suprising from many other rovers fans

[osarusan]

List of best and worst jokes from Fringe Festival here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

Winning joke was -
1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

[Magicme]

What's invisible and smells of lettuce? A rabbit's fart.



Thank you Jake for sharing that one with me.

[Lev Yashin]

List of best and worst jokes from Fringe Festival here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

Winning joke was -

"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

Love that one!

[Deckydee]

I did not fart. It was my balls giving my arse a round of applause.

[hula4]

i was chatting up a girl in a bar last night and i said to her "can i smell your vagina"

she said "no you cannot" slapped me in the face and walked off.

Must've been her feet



Mary Bale said it was a momentary lapse of judgement and i believe her, after all havent we all at some stage put a cat in the blue recycle bin when of course it should go into the brown compost bin

[danthesaint]

New on Channel Four!

Coming live and uninterrupted from Chile,

33 contestants,
...
4 months,

1 cave.

Dig Brother

[Lev Yashin]

What have someone from Monaghan and a pregnant cow got in common?

They are both near Cavan.

[don ramo]

gary glitter is heading for the caves of chile, hes heard there loads of mine/ors there,

[culloty82]

(With apologies to Myles na gCopaleen)

Keats had recently taken computer classes, and after mastering the basics, soon he was readily browsing the Web. Perusing the various sites available alone, he endeavoured to create his own, despite Chapman's scepticism, and focused on his interest in military history, specifically the Afrika Korps. At first, the page was a tremendous success, drawing thousands of daily hits, before eventually interest waned, and eventually dwindled to zero. Disillusioned and disheartened, Keats pulled the plug, but was far from consoled by Chapman's smug reply "It was blatantly obvious that your venture would prove a failure. I explicitly warned that you were blogging a dead force!"

[Mr A]

http://i240.photobucket.com/albums/ff132/dddouble/Misc/fry-see-what-you-did-there.jpg

[the 12 th man]

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why’d you do that? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little sh1te has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

[osarusan]

(With apologies to Myles na gCopaleen)

Keats had recently taken computer classes, and after mastering the basics, soon he was readily browsing the Web. Perusing the various sites available alone, he endeavoured to create his own, despite Chapman's scepticism, and focused on his interest in military history, specifically the Afrika Korps. At first, the page was a tremendous success, drawing thousands of daily hits, before eventually interest waned, and eventually dwindled to zero. Disillusioned and disheartened, Keats pulled the plug, but was far from consoled by Chapman's smug reply "It was blatantly obvious that your venture would prove a failure. I explicitly warned that you were blogging a dead force!"
Get your coat ffs.

[juan]

New on Channel Four!

Coming live and uninterrupted from Chile,

33 contestants,
...
4 months,

1 cave.

Dig Brother
Day 1 in the Dig Brother cave and the contestants are already beginning tofeel enclosed by their surroundings.






Coat. Hat. Gone.

[Ozymandias]

A woman with tiny tits goes into M&S and asks for a bra size of 32AAAA, but they don’t do anything in M&S that small. She then goes into Dunnes and asks for the same and again finds they don’t do anything there that small. After several stores and the same answer, she storms into Debenhams, marches up to the lingerie department, pull’s her top off and yells “Do you have anything for these?” to which the assistant replies “Have you tried Clearsil….?”

[strangeirish]

Wanted:
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327
:)

[danthesaint]

I remember during the world cup shouting "rooney u fat stupid c*nt
u couldn’t score in a brothel.....

how stupid do i feel :)

[dahamsta]

http://pics.kuvaton.com/kuvei/dog_masks_ducks.jpg

[Magicme]

Dam you Adam, not I will have to bark at ducks from now on! GRRRRR.

[Supreme feet]

There's a scratch on my Call of Duty CD, and it won't work anymore.

I must find an Italian, they're good at fixing games.

[Lev Yashin]

There's a scratch on my Call of Duty CD, and it won't work anymore.

I must find an Italian, they're good at fixing games.

Or you could find a Pakistani...

[the 12 th man]

There's a scratch on my Call of Duty CD, and it won't work anymore.



I have the French version of Call of Duty game,when it loads up the only option is "quit".

[Mr A]

I ordered the American version but it turned up several years late.

[John83]

I ordered the American version but it turned up several years late.
Yeah, but few of the American reviewers are willing to admit as much.

[Bluebeard]

Was the Irish version of that not originally called "Just a bit of bother"?

[Stevo Da Gull]

Read this one today..

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?".
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea".

[Lev Yashin]

I sat down in front of the TV today and turned on Dave....
I wasn't even trying to be sexy.

[OwlsFan]

http://pics.kuvaton.com/kuvei/dog_masks_ducks.jpg



This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four Euro," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

[Lev Yashin]

How do you turn a duck into a Soul Singer??

Put him in the Microwave untill his Bill Withers.

[Deckydee]

After one hour in prison George Michael had a chocolate bar shoved up his arse by a fellow inmate.

Prison officers said it was just a careless wispa.



What do George Michael and Chilean miners have in common?

Both will be free after eight weeks of heavy drilling.

[Schumi]

I assume everyone's seen the wall he hit.
http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01111/gm380_1111970j.jpg

[strangeirish]

http://img710.imageshack.us/img710/6269/popeo.jpg

[Spudulika]

http://img710.imageshack.us/img710/6269/popeo.jpg

Class photoshop, though thank goodness it wasn't of the epileptic Bedouin from Arabia or StrangeIrish would be sharing a Latte with Salman Rushdie!

[osarusan]

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/profile-ak-snc4/object/960/99/n2262094092_36392.jpg

[dahamsta]

Very, uh, retro...?

[Lev Yashin]

I was listening to a bit of Beethoven's 6th in A Flat earlier.

It was quite good but tomorrow I'm going to see if it sounds better in A House. * *

[the 12 th man]

A new sign at the AIB drive-thru Bank in Cabinteely reads:

'Please note that this Bank has installed new drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

********************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:



1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check make-up.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26.. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.

[Battery Rover]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven:

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Lev Yashin]

How do you tell a kebab to be quiet?

Ssssshhhhh kebab.

[the 12 th man]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player .

[strangeirish]

The Chilean Miner rescue is finally over. The slow process was accomplished, Juan by Juan.