Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[bellavistaman]

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other: "I wonder how you drive this?"
Heard this one the other night:

knock Knock.

Whose there?

Not Madeline McCann!

:eek::eek::eek:So harsh, but i cant help laugh, lousy joke though

[strangeirish]

Was at the cemetery yesterday and I saw some grave diggers walking around the graveyard with a coffin.A few hours later, they were still walking around with the coffin.
I thought to myself...these guys have lost the plot.


Taxi.

[theleprechaun]

this blonde goes into a DIY shop and asks the shop-keeper for a hinge for a door. the shop-keeper asks her does she want a screw for the hinge. the blonde says no but tells him that she will give him a blo*-job for a tin of paint!

[Lev Yashin]

I was reading a book on glue making the other day...i couldn't put it down.:D

[theleprechaun]

what you call Postman Pat unemployed?...
Pat

Why did the girl fall off her bike?
A fridge hit her.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds.

[Raheny Red]

Good aul' Penguin bars. Read this one today:

Why did the lobster blush?





Because the sea weed!

[3 Heroes]

BELIEVE it or not ,
These are REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

[pineapple stu]

What's black and annoyed?

Bernard Manning's re-incarnation


Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.


Why can't Helen Keller drive?

She's a woman.

For more, see www.sickipiedia.org At your own risk...

[carrickharp]

What's black and annoyed?

Bernard Manning's re-incarnation

Good, very good:D

[sligoman]

Paddy Scotsman, Englishman & Irishman were on a plane...they wanted to know where they were, so Paddy Scotsman put his hand out the window and took it back in..."We're in portugal...I've mosquito bites on my arm". Later on, Paddy Englishman puts his hand out the window and took it back in, "We're in Greenland cause my hands frozen". Later on, Paddy Irishman put his hand out the window..."We're in Galway...my watch is gone."

[CollegeTillIDie]

Ok Two Longford fans are sitting in a bar when a third one walks in with a dog bedecked in a red and black scarf. 1st Fan '' What's your dog's name?''
Dogowner: '' Rex and he's crazy about football. He loves De Town! ''. 2nd Fan '' Really what does he do?'' Dogowner: '' Everytime Longford score a goal, on TV , he just jumps around barking with delight'' 1st Fan:'' What does he do when Longford win then?'' Dogowner: '' I don't know I've only had him for 9 months !'' :D

[paul_oshea]

why didnt helen keller scream when she was falling off the cliff?

cos she was wearing miffins.

thats quality about the driving one though.

[Bluebeard]

The Helen Keller jokes are in very bad taste.

Any more?

[pineapple stu]

The Helen Keller jokes are in very bad taste.

Any more?
Check the link.

Just put on your thick skin.

[Mr A]

A Priest is preparing to close the church for the night when suddenly the church doors exploded open and a clearly drunk man collapses onto the floor.

The Priest is shocked by the abruptness of the situation and simply stands at the altar and watches as the man crawls along the floor whimpering, sobbing, grunting and constantly whining "help me, oh god help me!" the man stands up and uses a nearby pew to support himself as he staggers towards the confessional.

The Priest watches the man enter the confessional, once the man shuts the doors he feels the call and enters the other side of the confessional.

The priest sits down quietly and listens to the man sobbing, moaning and grunting (for a good 5 minutes) until the man suddenly falls silent.

The priest says "may I help you, my son?" to the man in the other side to which the man replies "well father, that depends if there's any paper on your side".

[3 Heroes]

Check the link.


Doesn't work

[Mr A]

Try www.sickipedia.org

[ollie]

That is some sick website!!

[Mr A]

It's fantastic!

[anto1208]

Probibly an old one at this stage but here goes .

POLICE INVESTIGATING THE COCKLE PICKERS MYSTERY AT MORECAMBE BAY RELEASED THERE REPORT TODAY INTO THE DEATHS


WHAT HAPPENED WAS THE PICKERS WERE TOLD TO STOP PICKING WHEN THE WATER GOT TO KNEE HIGH - UNFORTUNATELY NEE HI WAS WAITING IN THE VAN!!!

[pineapple stu]

Doesn't work
Got an extra e in there. Galway Harps' link is the one.

[KoemansCC]

Gardaí in Galway have suspended the investigation surrounding the body of the man found in a freezer at the back of a fish shop in the old city....

Apparently it was just a big cod all along..........

[strangeirish]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they WOULD do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was REALLY impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

[Dricky]

Not sure if this is here already but LMFAO...

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify
the
point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note
asking
me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde
said,
'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take
a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurised?' The blonde said, 'No,
just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

[strangeirish]

Police in Liverpool have performed a controlled explosion on a suspicious car, apparently it was taxed AND insured.


Glasgow to host new Islamic festival, Ramavan.

[Macy]

A major flood hit on Monday evening .
Epicentre: Rotherham, England.
News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "chuffinnorah".

The flood decimated the town, causing £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio station RotherFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Rotherham. One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning". Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help?
Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.
Clothing is needed most of all, especially:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sports socks
Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark
Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference.
Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.

[3 Heroes]

Sol Campbell is rejoining Spurs, he heard their strikers are Bent and Keane

[Blue Man]

not sure if this has been posted but....


David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. The barman is totally starstruck and stammers "You're D...D...David Hasselhoff"!!!. Hasselhoff replies, "Yea I am but these days I just want to be called 'The Hoff' ". So the barman replies "Ah i see, no hassle, Hoff!!


Brilliant!!!:D

[Sligo Hornet]

not sure if this has been posted but....


David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. The barman is totally starstruck and stammers "You're D...D...David Hasselhoff"!!!. Hasselhoff replies, "Yea I am but these days I just want to be called 'The Hoff' ". So the barman replies "Ah i see, no hassle, Hoff!!


Brilliant!!!:D

jaysus......that's ****e I'm afraid!:o

[joeSoap]

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Irish Government's FAS scheme and employ people from Limerick. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Limerick area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gadgets.

It was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However....Ferrari got more than they bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only were the Limerick pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[Ceirtlis]

Did ya hear Macy Gray died last night?.......



She tried to say goodbye and she choked.

[strangeirish]

A man and his wife were driving home one cold night when the wife asked
her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to
see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He said,
"OK, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to keep warm?" the wife asked. He said, "Put it in
between your legs. It's nice and warm there." Giggling she asked, "But
what about the smell?"

He replied, "Just hold his little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene. :D

[paul_oshea]

3 bird watchers sitting in a pub chatting one night, first man says i call my wife a dove, because she is petite, second man says I call my wife a flamingo cos she is tall and slender, third man goes huh I call mine thrush cos shes an irritating cnut!

[the 12 th man]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would
regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:



Always keep your condoms in your car.

[ollie]

I like that one:D

[Magicme]

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him
is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and
jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may
know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?" The guy
replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas
." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take
this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes
into Heaven with his robe and staff.


Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father
Joe, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years." Saint
Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe
and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."


"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets
a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can
this be?" "Up here ... we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you
preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."

[strangeirish]

Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

A: In case he got a hole in one.

*Exits stage left*

ClassicStuffHere (http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1399687)

[shedite]

Anyone listen to Today FM's Gift Grub this morning. On Monday's they always do jokes. Seems every joke today was from the last 2 pages of this thread. They're watching us!

[paul_oshea]

really? did they say the one about a thrush on live air? I cant imagine they did....

[Iorfa]

Q - How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - Let's ride bikes!

[paul_oshea]

quality, heard that one a while ago but forgotten, love those sorta jokes!

[Aaron]

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.

The next man in line thought this was interesting and was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could
have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...


























'Mop and bucket, Till 5

[strangeirish]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on
a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies, but the one
in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white,
patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious
critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in
contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, hearing the curator's explanation,
approached the couple and said,

"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

The couple asked "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert
than the
curator of the gallery?"

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.

"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners.
The guy in the middle(Sligoman) went home for lunch."

[anto1208]

quality, heard that one a while ago but forgotten, love those sorta jokes!

Did you hear it here :D

http://foot.ie/showthread.php?p=613102#post613102

[Lev Yashin]

what do you call a fish with no eyes???



a fsh

[Magicme]

Some more gems from me mammy!

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and
in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping.


I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."


"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten euros," the man says.
"Ten euros?
This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar.
He never did any of that ****e".


KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.


4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA.. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE..

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.


24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

[strangeirish]

Bubba goes to the Revival and listens to the
Preacher. After a while, the Preacher asks anyone with needs to come
forward, and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line.
When it's his turn, the preacher says, "Bubba,
what you want me to pray about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to
Pray for my Hearing."
So the Preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear,
and the other hand on top of his head, and prays a while. After a few
minutes, he removes his
hands and says, "Bubba, how's your Hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know, Preacher, it's not
until next Wednesday in Baton Rouge."

[bellavistaman]

What do you call a condom filled with money??

Johnny Cash

[paul_oshea]

Two ducks flying over Norn Iron.
One says to the other "quack quack"
and the other says "I'm sarry I canna go any quacker"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in."
OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?"
he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!"
the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"


if anyone wants to here a good one liner, but might offend, pm me!

[John83]

if anyone wants to here a good one liner, but might offend, pm me!
Post it in spoiler tags with a caveat like that.