Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[strangeirish]

Ash.....We need to talk.....I guess that was a bee side joke too!:p

[Ash]

Elephant's Memory - A Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so
Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder.Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again,
wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back
and forth along the railing, killing him.
.
.
.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.



:D
Boom Boom!

[BohsPartisan]

Old man is walking is dog down by the Shannon estuary. The dog is his life, he walks it every day. At this one spot he always lets the dog of the lead. The dog never strays far. This one time however the dog sees a Salmon leap and gets excited. He jumps into the water in an attempt to chase it. Suddenly a strong current takes the dog away and pulls him under. A passing German tourist, seeing the old mans dismay jumps in and swims to where the dog went under. He dives down re-emerging from the water a minute later with the dog in his arms. The dog is unconscious but the german puts him down on the river bank and performs CPR on him. After coughing up some water the dog jumps up, shakes himself dry and satrts wagging his tail. The old man is absolutely overjoyed and can't stop shaking the german's hand.

"That was amazing" says the old man "are you a vet?"

The German in disbelief replies "Vet? Look at me, I'm fckin soaking!"

[Raheny Red]

Q. What do you call a fast bun?


A. Scone.




Q. What's the fastest town in Ireland?



A. Tuam.

[sligoman]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Kerry and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Kerry fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Kerry fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Kerry fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Kerry fan, then who are you a fan of?" I'm a Mayo fan, and proud of it,"
Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, are you a Mayo fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad are from Mayo, and my mum is a Mayo fan and my dad is a Mayo fan, so I'm a Mayo fan too!" Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Mayo fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Dublin fan."

[Magicme]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a story book myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f---ing map again."

[Raheny Red]

i bought steve irwins wet suit on ebay for $200, when i got it id had a hole in the chest. i feel ive been stung.

Like when you bought a Dublin City 2006 season ticket :p

[samabu92]

This might have been on B4.

Wee Johnny comes home from school early one day and finds nobody about so heads up the stairs, when he suddenly hears funny noises coming from one of the bedrooms.
Opens the door and there he sees his mammy on top of daddy and them shagging away.
The mammy shouts "Get out, Get out Johnny and go downstairs and I will explain what I was doing"
Mammy gets dressed and goes down to wee Johnny and explains;" Poor daddy is very sad these days because of his big tummy, so he wanted me to sit on it and try and flatten it back down"
Wee Johnny replies " Thats strange mammy because when you go shopping, wee jimmys mammy next door comes round and blows his tummy back up again and he doesnt look too sad to me":D

[Magicme]

Blind man enters lesbian bar by mistake. Finds his way to bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while he yells to bartender in loud voice," Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things....

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is ablonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6 foot, 200 pound blond woman with a Ph.D, a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude!

Now, think about it seriously sir,do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

[paul_oshea]

do ye know what i cant understand?!?!



german...


do ye know what i can't get over?!?!


a 12ft wall!!

:D

[DmanDmythDledge]

do ye know what i can't get over?!?!

Your leg with jokes like that!!!:D

[ali2005]

Heres one:

U2 are doing a concert in Glasgow.

Bono asks the crowd for some silence.

He then starts to clap his hands.

He says into the microphone:

"Everytime I clap my hand a child in Africa dies."

Then someone in the front row screams:

"Well stop fukin clapping then!"

[BohsPartisan]

Family Planning (http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y216/marconi76/FamilyPlanning.jpg)

[strangeirish]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said;

"I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink , but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied;

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

[ilovejam]

two peado's on a beach, one says to the other......sorry could you get out of my son!

[First]

CLOCKS

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

" Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bertie Ahern's clock?" asked the man.

"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan."

[Magicme]

My mother sent me this!

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night
together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have
sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the
counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to
put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a friggin' pervert do you think I am?"

[CraftyToePoke]

A man walked into the produce section of this local
supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only
sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the
boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some a******* wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the
way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like
people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Monaghan, sir" the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Monaghan?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and
football players!"

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Monaghan."

"No shiit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for"?

[Magicme]

Oi Crafty!! Got that as a birthday card but with Liverpool on it. Funnily enough it was from a guy from Limerick?!

Ummm methinks me understands ur slagging Monaghan girls as whores!

[John83]

The Republic of Ireland football team.

[First]

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom

drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over

whom should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents

and the judge

initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with

child custody law

and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained

to the degree

possible.



The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his

aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly

refused to live with her.



When the judge then suggested that he live with his

grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.



After considering the remainder of the immediate family

and learning that domestic violence was apparently a

way of life among them, the

judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy

to propose who

should have custody of him.



After two recesses to check legal references and confer

with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary

custody to the Republic

of Ireland soccer team , whom the boy firmly believes

are not capable of

beating anyone.

[monkey magic]

i hear mayo are favourites for next years all-ireland folling the release of their sharp shooter...

[Magicme]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blond!

The glamorous blond strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar."

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blond.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blond reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

"'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blond started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

[Magicme]

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? (I hope so cause I'm going in a sweat suit)

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

[Magicme]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
>>and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his
>>highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
>>
>>This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than
>>30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
>>afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
>>
>>Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
>>husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
>>explained that his employer was going through a process of
>>corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that,
>>at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid
>>anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were
>>financially ruined.
>>
>>Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than
>>thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1
>>million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
>>bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they
>>were one of the largest depositors in the ba nk.
>>
>>She explained that for the more than three decades she had
>>"charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were
>>the results of her savings and investments.
>>
>>Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,
>>her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he
>>found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you
>>were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>
>>That's when she shot him.
>>
>>
>>You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
>>shut.
>>

[Raheny Red]

[QUOTE=Magicme;554891]

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

/QUOTE]

I went through a phase of eating really burned toast :eek: :o

[Aberdonian Stu]

My toaster doesn't burn it properly. I enjoy burnt toast every now and again but mine lacks the power required.

[BohsPartisan]

Do it under the grill then.

[First]

Do it under the grill then.

Brilliant:D

[Aberdonian Stu]

Ach that isn't the same. I do it under the grill for a different type of toast and besides I'd have to burn it twice and it just wouldn't have the same taste. Anyhoo lets move this back on topic to some jokes.

[manofthemoment]

A guy goes to his local Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?"
"Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you injured in any way?"
The guy says "Yes, big time. A land mine blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK,I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. then why don't you want me to come in until 10:00 AM?"

"This is a Council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that."

[manofthemoment]

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the parish.

A leading local politician member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here.

I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me, he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good

And loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession."

[strangeirish]

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
!
BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...







and,











(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)




The coffin stops :D

[manofthemoment]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" to which
she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor Party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then
stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Magicme]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the
>morgue needed someone to identify the body.
> His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen),were sent for.
>Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep,
>he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.
>Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy". The mortician thought that
>was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean
>took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over. The
>mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't
>Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy
>had two arseholes." "What............., he had two arseholes???" said the
>mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went
>into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

> ************************************************** *********************
> Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
>checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to
>put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four". "Quattro is just the name
>of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly "Look at the
>papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can not pull that
>one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your
>car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies
>angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone
>with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2
>guys in a Fiat Uno."


> ************************************************** *********************
> Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
>show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
>perplexed to see a large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's
>that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking
>Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said,
>giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a
>voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For ****sake, you b*stard,
>it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"


> ************************************************** *********************
> Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said,"You are
>charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the
>back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You
>are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a spanner."
>Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing
>b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the
>courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at
>this crime, but will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I
>shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the
>back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next
>door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ****ing spanner,
>he said he didn't have one!"

> ************************************************** *********************
> A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks
>in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he
>looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens
>about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep
>looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in
>there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

[gustavo]

An American, a Brit and a Chinese man are all drafted into some crazy post apocolyptic army where they would all be on the same side.

Anyway, the general turns to them and say to the American, "Get yo ass down to the mess hall and sort us out some food!"

"YES, SIR!" shouts the yank, and runs off.

The genral turns to the Brit and shouts "Get you ass down to the armoury and get us some damn hell ass guns!"

"YES, SAH!" shouts the Brit, and runs off.

The General turns to the Chinese man, and says "Get yo ass down to the inventory, sort us out some supplies!"

"Yes, Sir!" Shouts the Chinaman, and runs off.

4 Hours later, the Genral returns to find the Brit and American waiting patiently in a line.
The general says "I can see the food, I can see the damn hell ass guns, but where in the sweet jesus **** is the Chinaman?"

"he hasn't come back from down the hall" says the Brit.

The General marches down the hall angrily, and goes into one of the rooms, and flips on a light switch.

"SUPPLIES!!!!" yells the Chinaman, jumping from behing a shelf.

[gustavo]

Fri, 27 October 2006 12:55

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says 'My feet are freezing. Could you nip upstairs and get my slippers please, mate?'
'No bother' says Murphy and runs upstairs.
Up there are Paddy's two stunning 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on their bed.
'Hello girls' says Murphy 'Your Dad sent me up here to shag you both'.
'f**k off, ye liar' they say.
'I'll prove it!' says Murphy and shouts downstairs 'Both of them, Paddy?'
To which Paddy replies 'Of course, ya daft ***** - what's the use in f**king one...?'

[Ash]

The latest craze with clubbers is to fill a womans
vagina with vodka and drink it through a straw.


Experts are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking

Boom Boom!

[joeSoap]

NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN


NAME _________________________



NICK-NAME ____________________



GANG NAME ____________________



1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 Euro and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 Euro a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?



2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 Euro a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?



3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 Euro, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?



4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got €350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends €33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?



5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?



6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?



SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT



MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
NAME______________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ____________(if longer, please continue on a separate sheet)



SCHOOL____________________



DADDY'S COMPANY___________



1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?



2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?



3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?



4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?



5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

COUNTRY LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
OUTSIDE DUBLIN


Name: Paddy/Mary _________________________



1. If Paddy Joe Murphy drove a Massey Ferguson through Paddy John’s turnip crop at 10miles an hour. What colour was Paddy John's tractor?



2. If John Joe likes Mary and Mary likes Paddy, how much is a pint of stout in O'Brien's at the crossroads?



3. Paddy Joe Mahoney has 25 sheep, 10 cows, 12 hens, a cockerel and 6 geese. John Joe has 12 sheep, 18 cows and 12 pigs. How much does Paddy Joe offer to John Joe for a dowry for Mary?



4. If it takes Sarah Jane 40 minutes to cycle 12 miles to O'Brien's on the crossroads for the ceilidh and it takes Mary Murphy 40 minutes to walk 2 miles to O'Brien's, which girl will end up in John Joe's hay barn?



5. If Paddy Joe's prize hen can lay 4 eggs every morning and his other hens can lay only two each the odd morning, which one will he have for Sunday dinner?

[3 Heroes]

Let them begin...



I was out on the lash with Saddam last night. You should see the state of him this morning, he's fu*king hanging

[gustavo]

He's not going out tonight to celebrate cos he feels a bit ropey.

[sligoman]

Saddam has won the biggest **** in Iraq competition...the judges saw him and said he was well hung.

Apologies:o :D.

[Magicme]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters Restaurant.The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand... " Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,"Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, How about that drink?"

[strangeirish]

(of course...there's always more contenders!)


TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter
after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received
a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two
hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside
his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please
come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked
for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My
wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is
this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is
her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard
King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without
a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.
Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in
the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they
couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish
in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After
about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,
thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A
thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller
was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the
water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing
so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[anto1208]

I heard this the other day and laughed for about 2 hours

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Do you want to go riding bikes .

[Magicme]

ha ha....Anto...spot on...my family are afflicted with that & its soooo true!

[strangeirish]

Losing a friend...:(

[paul_oshea]

did you hear about the mouse that raped the elephant?


The giraffe put him up to it!!!! :D :D


do ye know why he then raped a hedgehog?


Cos he likes the rough with the smooth....

[dcfc1985]

Jade Goody has been attacked at her home by an intruder with a large knife. Police have arrested Shilpa's mother.......


Ma Shetty!

:D :D :D

[sligoman]

In class, a teacher asks her pupils: 'What part of the human body goes to heaven first?' John, a student, replies 'The feet Miss'. The teacher replies 'Why do you say that John?'. John says 'Because I once saw my mother with her legs in the air screaming, Oh God, I'm coming'.

:D