QuoteAn Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.
He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me......
I'm claiming disability!!!!!"
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You Might be a Leprechaun if.......
You snicker uncontrollably all the way through "Darby O'Gill And The Little People."
Your record collection is stocked only with very short artists, Paula Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins.
When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr, there's me pot o' gold!)
In your cupboard there is nothing but Lucky Charms cereal.
Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and bury it somewhere.
You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the embarrassment of all your friends.
You've been under a rock for the past few years.
You just despise fairies. ("Wing Envy" if you ask me!)
You try to pick up women by saying "Ah, lassie, you have dazzling kneecaps, you do."
When you eat good food, you say it is "magically delicious,".
And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun:
You're three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green a lot!
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Irish Jokes - One liners
'Excuse me,' said Mrs McCoy to the butcher. 'But there's a sausage on the floor.'
'Don't worry,' said he, 'I've got me foot on it!'
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Two ladies on a bus and one said: 'And do you know he put his hand right up my skirt.'
And the other replied: 'Not the green one with the floral pattern?'
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'I couldn't believe Dublin, great city, but every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Pat!!'
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'What's that you're taking, Mick?' asked Jim McGee. ' Tis the secret of a good night out,' replied Mick. 'It's a mixture of Benzedrine and Valium. It makes you feel frisky but if you don't click who cares!'
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Things that only the illogical Irish would say:
'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
'Spread out in a bunch.
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'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget.
I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.
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'You see my real shoe size is four,' said Vera. 'But I'm wearing sevens coss fours hurt!'
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As Mrs McGinty entered the house she looked up to see a ceiling 15 feet high.
'Begod,' she said to husband Seamus, 'when you said you were going to knock two rooms into one I didn't think you meant upwards!!'
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'How did you get on today?' inquired the golf pro of Mick McCann.
'Well, to tell you the truth I didn't play my normal game - but then I never do!'
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An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad new for you ... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month.
"Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well.
I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints. After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...?
You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
He swears every word is true.
Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister, several times!"
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There is loads more but that is enough for now, hope you enjoyed them all
Originally Posted by Babysis
Sexist Jokes
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