As revealed in a dream after dodgy shellfish...
March
- John Delaney says the league has never been in better shape. Pressed by journalists, he acknowledges that “flat with uneven lumps” is not really a shape.
- The FAI announces a new points system: three asterisks for a win, one for a draw. Clubs will be docked asterisks for transgressions. The FAI is confident that for the first time in years, there will be no asterisks on the final table.
- Limerick FC are forced to play all their games behind closed doors – “just because” says Fran Gavin.
April
- False rumours that Sligo Rovers signed three North Koreans reach the Pentagon. Hilary Clinton lists Sligo on the axis of evil, and urges them to reconsider their ways.
- The People’s Republic of Cork secedes from the league, as not enough Corkonians are represented on the MNS panel. Cork City and Cobh Ramblers are the only teams to contest the PRC League.
- UCD pay all their players and creditors in full, on time and are expelled from the league “for conduct unbecoming”. Tarmonbarry City are invited to join, and given all UCD’s points. They also receive 37 points, docked from Limerick FC - “just because” says Fran Gavin.
May
- John Delaney says that despite Ireland being in the throes of recession, a record number of clubs will see major profits. He later insists he meant “prophets” and was referring to Biblical foreseers of doom.
- Shamrock Rovers-Thomas Davis AFC knock Limerick out of the FAI Cup. SR-TD AFC are given a special dispensation to field 15 players for the game - “just because” says Fran Gavin.
- Giovanni Trappatoni announces a B-squad for a match against an LSL XI. There are no LoI players, but Merthyr Tydfil youth keeper Ieuan Pwyllpwyll’s grandfather once stood outside Finn Park. John Delaney expresses delight that the league has a connection to the B-squad.
June
- The FAI responds to 287 threads on foot.ie suggesting that 12,14,15,16, 18, and 20 team leagues, with franchise/national/regional/county or parochial pyramid/round robin/closed structures are the only way forward: several contributors to the site disappear in mysterious circumstances.
- Giovanni Trappatoni calls up two bottles of Ballygowan and a salt cellar to his B-team after they impress during a press conference. Despite scoring 72 goals in 14 games for Tarmonbarry City, there is no call-up for their naturalised Brazilian striker Daniele “The Rossie”.
- In a charity fundraiser, the six most argumentative posters on foot.ie (as voted by their peers) offer to re-enact John and Yoko’s bed-in with everybody they have disagreed with on the site. One insists that his bed be partitioned. Bargaintown sells out of beds in minutes.
July
- Mick Wallace TD launches a coup and ousts John Delaney. He installs Pat Dolan as official food taster for all league and national squads.
- Three clubs go to the wall. Luckily Bray had it fixed, and this time it remains upright.
- In European football, Bohs crash out 9-0 to Faroese opposition and are called a pub team by Paul Lowland in the Evening Heddled. Bohs sue for libel, but lose when the judge decides that they were looking for trouble by lining up with 11 barmen. He awards Lowland €1,000,000 in damages and suggests he spends it on a journalism course. Bohs put Dalymount up for sale. Johnny Logan records a charity single: “Sold Me How?
Last edited by Eminence Grise; 25/02/2011 at 10:04 AM.
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August
- Mick Wallace launches a coup and boots Taoiseach Enda Kenny out of office. Forza Wallace’s slogan “the way, the truth, the light” (in Italian: veni, vide, voltage) appeals to voters in all counties, except the Limerick Illuminati, who are very slow to forgive past transgressions– “just because” say the club.
- After Trappatoni loses the mobile numbers of 43 players in England and Scotland, 4 LoI players are finally called into the national squad. The players claim they are starving since Pat Dolan’s appointment, and unsuccessfully seek out Trappatoni to complain. They find Dolan chewing on the remains of a hand-made Italian shoe.
- John Delaney forges a career as a street performer on Grafton St, dressing like an accountant and standing still. “Inertia comes easy to me,” he boasts. He quits when an incontinent pigeon does what LoI fans have wanted to do for some time.
September
- The PRC League ends controversially when Cobh claim Cork cheated their way to the title by playing an extra game.
- Hoping to save on the cost of washing jerseys and knicks, Sean Connor asks Gok Wan to help Galway Utd look good naked. The style guru suggests blindfolding the fans.
- The Setanta Cup is re-branded as the Setanta Mug. When Linfield and Glentoran complain about having to play on days ending with ___day, it is re-launched as the Setanta Glass (Half Empty).
October
- Mick Wallace ousts the Pope, and moves the Vatican to Ferrycarrig. Pope Mick insists local clergy bin the Lidl altar wine, and buy Asti Spumanti from his winebar at Ferrycarrig.
- Newstalk’s Off the Ball goes off air on a Wednesday evening when the presenters disappear up their own rear ends.
- Newly appointed Sports Minister Pat Dolan offers old e-voting machines to League Clubs for their lotto draws. “They’re feck-all use for anything else, but can be guaranteed to throw up completely random combinations of numbers,” he claims.
November
- 22 League clubs go to the wall. Pope Mick miraculously resurrects them, and canonises himself as Saint Mick.
- Barack Obama pays a state visit to meet Taoiseach/Pope/Saint Mick. Roddy Collins claims to have nearly signed him for Dublin City. Obama hears reports of Sligo’s Korean’s “bombing up and down pitches all over the country” and pleads with Sligo to renounce their North Korean ties or face the consequences.
- An unnamed club, which made a €1.23 profit for the season, submit their 2012 budget to the FAI: officials rubberstamp the new budget which is based on the club winning the Champions League, the Euromillions (twice) unearthing the new Pele, and flogging him to Real Madrid for a transfer fee the size of the GDP of a small country. With Mick in charge, miracles do happen.
December
- America launches a pre-emptive nuclear strike on Sligo, wiping out most life on the island. However, a mutant breed of giant cockroaches and Bray Wanderers survive. Both immediately announce plans to contest the 2012 LoI....
Last edited by Eminence Grise; 25/02/2011 at 2:18 PM. Reason: Sean O'C fixed!
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Must remember this thread so it can be quoted at the end of the season when all this comes to pass.
I think we have our post of the year already!
Great post, I'm nit picking but no mention of the refs. Hopefully they will make no bad decisions this year then.
And before Sligoman blows a gasket, it's Connor, not O'Connor.
Pffft. I'd say less than half those things are likely to happen.
@ Guinney: How could I have forgotten the Blind Boys of Alabama, I mean the refs? Obviously they weren't in the dream, and the best refs are the one's you don't see, so clearly the league will have the best refs this season. Ever!
@ avvenalaf: thanks, I've fixed Sean Connor - don't want to be responsible for anybody spontaneously combusting!
I'll forgive you this time, but I suppose if they where not in your dream then we could all be in for something totally new for this league ... good refsOriginally Posted by Eminence Grise
Brilliant
the burning question about the refs is whether this year will be the year that Alan Kelly announces his sex change.
Is he finally going to become a man?
Tallaght Stadium Regular
So...no winter football on the cards, phew - one less thing to worry about
The Model Club
Tell all the Bohs you know
that we've gone and won two-in-a-row
and it's not gonna be three
and it's not gonna be four
it's more likely to be 5-1.
Got this much right. (And congrats to the man himself!)
Don’t want to panic anybody, but it might be a good idea to start on those fall-out shelters before December...
You're fired for missing Cooke to drogs.
That's got to be one of the funniest posts I've ever read on here
Ah... well, nobody's perfect.
Will you pop my severance pay in the post?
Aye, a box of hunky doreys do you? Got them for the club shop but new policy made yesterday says we can't sell them.
Throw in a mondog and we have a deal...
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