QuoteAll good jokes their face!!!
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees
his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says,
"G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
He says "Strewth Sheila.....
Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."
And drives off.
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There's an Scotsman, Irishman & Englishman all talking about their
teenage daughters.
The Scotsman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Irishman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Englishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry
about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."
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A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his
Dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."
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Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they
left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.
"It's your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying.
Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"
Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"
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A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving
that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb.blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously,Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
The SFAI are the governing body for grassroots football in Ireland, not the FAI. Its success or the lack of is all down to them.
All good jokes their face!!!
A doctor speaks to the patient "I've some good news and some bad news"
"The bad news is that we are going to have to amputate both your legs. The good news is that the guy in the bed next door wants your slippers"
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A man went to the doctor.
"Its my penis doctor" "But when you look you must promise not to laugh"
"Of course I wont laugh" "Now remove your pants please"
So your man took off his pants. The doctor took one look at his dick and burst out laughing. "thats the smallest, tinniest penis I have ever seen. I didnt know a penis could be so small. So tell me what's the problem"
"Its swollen"
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Doctor - "Ive some very bad news. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient - "Well at least I don't have cancer"
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3 old men are talking about their health-problems.
The 70 year old said "My problem is I wake up every morning at 7 and it takes me 20 minutes to pee"
The 80 year old said "My problem is I get up at 8 and it takes me at least half an hour to get any bowel movement"
The 90 year old says "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight a crap like a cow."
"So whats your problem?"
"I don't wake up till nine!"
Why did the Mushroom go to the party?
Cause hes a fungi!
Get off the stage
Q. What do you call two sleep walking nuns?
A. Roman Catholics(if your slow think of it like this Roaming Catholics).
This one is funny but at the same time not right:
Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing, you've already told her twice.
Last edited by sligoman; 05/01/2005 at 2:53 AM.
Life without Rovers, it makes no sense...it's a heartache...nothing but a fools game. S.R.F.C.
Q) How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A) None. It should be open when she brings it to you.
....Sorry
Tea. Corduroy. Space Travel.
A palaeontologist finds evidence of a dinosaur living in the South
> American rain forest. He campaigns several universities, and succeeds in
> getting a research grant to fund the expedition. Several weeks into the
> trek, the party stumble across a 3 foot pygmy standing near the body of a
> 300 foot dinosaur.
>
> The scientist approaches the pygmy and exclaims: "Dear Lord! Did you kill
> this dinosaur?"
> "Yep!" replied the pygmy.
> "But it's so big and you're so small." remarked the scientist.
> "Yeah.... Well observed," said the pygmy.
> "How on earth did you kill it?" asked the scientist.
> "With my club." said the pygmy.
> "How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.
> The pygmy replied: "Well, there are about 200 hundred of us."
>
What do you call a woman who knows were her husband is every night?
A widow.
----
>> > Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
>> > Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
>> > "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
>> > "It's true, no bull!"
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
>> > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
>> > One says, "I've lost my electron."
>> > The other says, "Are you sure?"
>> > The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Answer-phone message
>> > "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before
>> >
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
>> > is there anything you can do for him? "
>> > "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>> > So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>> > Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
>> > "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
>> > "No, because he's really heavy"
>> > -----------------------------------------------------
>> > Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
>> > -----------------------------------------------------
>> > Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
>> > people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>> > It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
>> > Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>> > But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
>> > -----------------------------------------------------
>> > I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
>> > find any.
>> > -----------------------------------------------------
>> > I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
>> > that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said,
>> > 'no, the steaks are too high.'
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by
>> > a strong currant.
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
>> > He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
>> > The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
>>in
>> > the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
>> > kayak and heat it too.
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > A man walks into doctor's office."What seems to be the problem?"
>> > asks the doc.
>> > "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
>> > "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
>> > "Like a glove."
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > What do you call a fish with no eyes?
>> > A fsh
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
>> > One turns to the other and says "dam"
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Two fish are in a tank
>> > One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
>> > ---------------------------------------------------
What do u call 150 white guys chasinga black guy?
The PGA tour.
Its terrible i know
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said,
"The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - 'the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'" Peter said, "Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas."
f(x)= 3x(squared) + 2 walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions
last maths joke for today, i swear
A calculus professor died after a fatal car accident.
Moral of the story? Never drink and derive.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?Originally Posted by eoinh
He had to work it out with a calculator!
Have Boot Disk, will travel
What's yellow and sticky and smells like bananas?
Monkey vomit
Whatever it was I am sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman around here?
A banana.
Whats brown and sticky?
City definetly have the best bands playing at half-time.
O'Bama - "Eerah yeah, I'd say we can alright!"
G.O'Mahoney Trapattoni'll sort ém out!!
When it comes to binary numbers there are 10 types of people; those who understand them and those who don't.
"I don’t want to tempt fate, but Thierry Henry is not having one of his best nights." - RTE co-commentator Jim Beglin, minutes before TH struck the stunning winner.
this guy having dinner in a posh retaurant when he starts to choke on something.
he falls to the floor clutching his throat.by chance two filthy dirty tramps were looking in the window and burst into the restaurant to help
the first tramp drops his pants and the second tramp starts kissing his dirty butt.
the guy on the floor who is choking immediately vomits at the sight thus clearing the blockage in his throat.
the tramps are getting congratulated for their deed and when asked how they thought to do it replied :"sure everybody's heard of the hind- lick manouver"
,
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