Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[sligoman]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says. President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the heck's that on the balcony with Colin?"

[Anto McC]

Two blones walking along tracks arguing,"they're Deer tracks" one said,"no,they're bear tracks" said the other..........they were still arguing when the train hit

[sligoman]

Two blones walking along tracks arguing,"they're Deer tracks" one said,"no,they're bear tracks" said the other..........they were still arguing when the train hit

[Peadar]

This is very un PC...

I've a pain in my head from laughing at that.

[Peadar]

It was monday morning and all the kids are in the classroom.
The teacher sits all the children down.
She turns to Jason and says " Jason What did you do over the weekend?"
Jason replies "Well Miss I went up to the park to play in the sand pit with Mary."
Teacher: "Well Jason, if you can spell Sand I will give you a sweetie."
Jason: "S A N D"
Teacher: " Well done Jason!" and gives him a sweetie.

Next the teacher turns to Mary
Teacher: " Mary, what did you do over the weekend?"
Mary: " Well Miss I went up to the park to play in the sandpit with Jason."
Teacher: " Well Mary if you can spell PIT I will give you a sweetie."
Mary: " P I T "
Teacher: "Well done Mary!!!" and the teacher gives Mary the well deserved sweetie.

Next the teacher turns to Mohammed
Teacher: " Mohammed, what did you do over the weekend?"
Mohammed : " Well Miss I went up to the park to play in the sandpit, but Mary and Jason were there."
Mohammed : " And they would not let me play."
Teacher: " Oh Mohammed, that sounds like Racial Discrimination."
Teacher: "Mohammed, if you can spell Racial Discrimination I will give you a sweetie!!!"

[Anto McC]

A little girl runs into her northside mother who is washing dishes in the kitchen and says "Mammy Mammy why are your hands so soft" and the northside mother replys "well love,it's because i'm still only 15"

[sligoman]

The above two jokes are brilliant,

[strangeirish]

A heavily pregnant skanger girl phones the maternity hospital, obviously in some state of agitation:
"Nurse, nurse, I think me waters have broken."
Nurse: "OK, love stay calm love. Where are ye ringing from?"
Girl: "Oh, from me gee to me knees."

[exile]

whats big brown and dirty and hangs of a sattilite dish ....................

a council house



il get my coat

[aido_b]

Im so sorry .....



Why did the Hedgehog cross the road ?
To see his flatmate




I'm banned now aint I ?!?!!?

[hamish]

You flirting with Strangeirish hamish?

You're at it again...first, I was "hitting on CTID" and now it's strangeirish.

We're just good friends KT.

In fact, I invites himself and his missus down to see me when he comes over here soon and he ignores my politeness, just like you in fact.

Cruel things and all that lovely liver I have to get rid of.........LOL
Quickie joke:

Young 17 year old bird goes into doctor with a chest complaint.

Doctor puts stetoscope to her chest and says "Big breaths, now".

Girl: "Yeth, and I'm only sixth-theen".

[hamish]

A little girl runs into her northside mother who is washing dishes in the kitchen and says "Mammy Mammy why are your hands so soft" and the northside mother replys "well love,it's because i'm still only 15"

Brilliant Anto.

I have a pile of northside women jokes somewhere in my outlook express files which a mate sent to me - must look 'em up and post here.

[strangeirish]

In fact, I invites himself and his missus down to see me when he comes over here soon and he ignores my politeness, just like you in fact.
Cruel things and all that lovely liver I have to get rid of.........LOL
Quickie joke:
Young 17 year old bird goes into doctor with a chest complaint.
Doctor puts stetoscope to her chest and says "Big breaths, now".
Girl: "Yeth, and I'm only sixth-theen".

Ah ya codger, you just want to meet the missus and have me in the back room being force fed all that liver

Classic joke BTW

[strangeirish]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

[strangeirish]

Ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good." He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking." He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

[hamish]

A Northside girl goes to the Corpo to resister for child benefit
"How many children?", ask the Corpo official.
"10", replies the girl
"10???", replies the official....."What are their names?"
Girl: "Donal, Donal, Donal, Donal, Donal, Donal, Donal, Donal, Donal and Donal"
Official:"Doesn't that get confusing?"
Girl: "Nah, if dey are ou' in the street, I just call out Donal and dey all come in or I shout, Donal, yer dinner's ready, and dey all come in"
Official: "But what if you want to speak to one of them individually?"
Girl: "That's easy, I just use their surnames"

Northside girl walks in to the dry cleaners with a dress.
"I'll collect that dress in the morning", says she
Bloke behind the counter, hard of hearing, cupping his ear, says, "Come again?"
She replies, "Nah, this time it's mayonnaise".

Northside girl walks in to a sex shop looking for a vibrator.
Girl behind counter says, "Choose from our range on the wall there"
Northside girl, "I'll take that big red one, just my size"
Counter girl, "Errrrrrrr, that's a fire extinguisher"

Northside girl in a car crash, there's blood everywhere.
Paramedics arrive and lay her out on the ground.
Medic, "I'm going to check if you're concussed"
NG, "Fine"
Medic, "How many fingers am I putting up?"
NG, "oh Jaysus, I'm paralysed from the waist down"

Northside girl and northside bloke are at a bar when the girl noticed something strange about the wellies the bloke's wearing.
Girl, "'Scuse me, I ain't being funny or nuthin' but why does one of your wellies have an "R" and the udder have an "L" on it?
Bloke replies, "Well, I'm a little bit tick, yeh see, but de one with the "R" is my right foot and the one with de "L" is for my left foot.
Girl, "So dat's why me knickers have "C & A" on dem.

Northside girl was driving down the M1 when her fella rang on the mobile
He urgently warned her, "Look love, be very careful, I heard on de news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M1"
Girl, "It's not just one car, der's bleedin' hundreds of dem"

Northside girl is in a bad car crash and trapped in the car, bleeding heavily
Medic arrives.
Medic says, "It's allright now, love, I'm a medic but I want to ask you some questions".
Girl, " Ok den"
Medic, "What's your name?"
Girl, "Bridget"
Medic, "Ok, Bridget, is this your car?"
Bridget, "Yeh"
Medic, "Where are you bleeding from"
Girl, "Drumcondra"

Two aeriels meet on a roof, fall in love and get married
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals eating a clown
One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Patient, "Doc, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of home"
Doctor, "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"
Patient, "Is is common?"
Doctor, "It's not unusual"


Two cows standing in a field.
Dais, "I got inseminated this morning"
Dolly, "I don't believe you"
Daisy, "It's true, no bull"

Two hydrogen atoms walk in to a bar
One says, "I've lost my electron"
The other one asks, "Are you sure?"
First one replies, "Yes, I'm positive"

Went to the butcher the other day and bet him 50 euro that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf
"No", he replied, "the steaks are too high"

Man wals in to a doctor's surgery
"I have five penises", he says.
Doctor, "Blimey, how do your trousers fit?"
Man, "Like a glove"

Bloke brings his rottweiler to the vet.
Bloke, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
Vet, "Let's have a look at him"
Vet examines his eyes, teeth, etc.
Vet, "I'll have to put him down"
Man, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat, why, why, why, is it because he's cross-eyed?"
Vet, "No, he's fcuking heavy"

Sandwich walks in to a bar and orders a beer
Barman, "Sorry, we don't serve food here"

Man wals into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
"A beer please, and one for the road"

A dyslexic walks into a bra

A jump lead walks into a bar
Barman, "I'll serve you but don't start anything"

Two fish swim up to a concrete wall
One turns to the other and says, "Dam"

[Anto McC]

I'll never forgive the Japanese for what they done to my Grandfather in WW2.............3 times he was passed over for promotion

[eamoss]

Northside girl and northside bloke are at a bar when the girl noticed something strange about the wellies the bloke's wearing.
Girl, "'Scuse me, I ain't being funny or nuthin' but why does one of your wellies have an "R" and the udder have an "L" on it?
Bloke replies, "Well, I'm a little bit tick, yeh see, but de one with the "R" is my right foot and the one with de "L" is for my left foot.
Girl, "So dat's why me knickers have "C & A" on dem.

Feel like a dumbass asking this but wat does C & A stand for?

[strangeirish]

A=Arse
You can figure out C for yourself

[hamish]

A=Arse
You can figure out C for yourself

I reckon he knows that strangeirish - it's the full name of the shop/store he wants to know - tell you the truth, I've forgotten that at the moment.