21 Rules for the RTE Soccer Pundits(By Totti!) 414 days ago
Copyright=ME!
1-no matter how well cristano ronaldo plays(no. of goals and assists are irrelevant) he is ****e... he has been and always will be.
2-the player in no.1 is also to be termed a "poof ball" whenever possible.
3-Same rules applies to rio Ferdinand…he is ****e and always will be (“they bring on an 18million pound defender and he weakens the team”-Dunphy after United v Copenhagen)
4-if a players name is hard to pronounce dont worry...you dont have to hazard a guess or even try pronouncing it phonetically...you just substitute the players name for his nationality and add "lad" in at the end.
stelios giannakopolous=the greek lad
Zhi Zheng=the Chinese lad(and if unsure the asian lad will do)
If nationality and name unclear (Gabriel Agbonlahor)-then “the young lad” will suffice.
However, if his age, nationality and name cause confusion then protocol determines that this player is not playing, he doesn’t exist and any contribution during the game will promptly be omitted from the highlights.
5-If your feeling ballsy and want to attempt to pronounce the players name even if you have no idea, then you can have a shot at the weekly bet of 20 euros for who can make a players name sound the daftest by replacing a letter or two.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic=Ibra-Homo-Vich
Yossi Benayoun= Benny-Youni
Vicenza Iaquinta-Una-quanto(Kenny Cunninham won the money for this.)
Also if the players native country have a way of pronouncing that players name, discard it…whatever it looks like to the pundit should determine how it’s pronounced.
(Call him Terry Henry-it doesn’t matter if the French don’t use the “H”-Its there so use it)
6-if a players/teams current ability and history are unknown then reference to his/their nationality or continent will tell you all about this player/team.
An Italian-will be great defensively but extremely negative. Forget about attacking.
German-Even if they have lost 15 games in a row and have players from the Villa reserves starting they have to be one of the leading contenders. If it goes to penalties all bets are off…they will win. All players will be tough *******s who can run all day and have winning mentality.
French-could be anything…but guaranteed they will sulk and moan.
Africans-will run all day…awful strong…tactically they will not have a clue of whats going on…will have about 30 shots at goal without having a clue where it even is…offside trap non-existent…very naïve and will be knocked out soon.
Note:If a keeper is wearing tracksuit bottoms he is automatically ****e(this presumption cannot be rebutted if he is either African or Eastern European)….he will be unable to collect any crosses…fists will be used on all occasions….he will also probably be unable to take kickouts and the centre back will more than likely have to go back to do so…there was probably a draw in this country to determine the nations goalkeeper and this guy lost…(god forbid that this country need to use their sub-keeper who probably will not even bother wearing gloves)
7-World Cups are dangerous territory, especially if a game involves any non-European team that is not Argentina Brazil Australia or USA(expect problems with regard to pronunciation identification of players and even location of the team) Such problems are also expected to occur for teams historically forming part of the soviet block. The chances of knowing players from teams other than these are extremely reduced.
If the countries name is unclear look for something in that continent (or in general on that side of the globe)-Costa Rica may be called Puerto Rica etc. Any player on such a team with a difficult name may be referred to as the “Puerto Rican Right-Back/left back/striker etc”-no reference to name needed.
8-No players will ever be as good as the glory day eras of the 50’s 60’s and 70’s.
9-Every game England play is awful….Lampard and Gerrard should not be in the same country let alone the same team.
10-Every Irish manager is useless and clueless (no exceptions)..constant hounding required until sacked.
11-If any English/Scottish pundit is present; the Irish lads must lead by example and show the newbies that defamation is permissible on Irish TV during soccer games. (watch the lads show Grahme Souness how its done during half time in the England and Trinidad game during the World Cup….. reference to English players/managers private life’s are perfectly acceptable(and strongly advised).
12-All outlandish statements based on zero research are welcome.
13-Severe criticism of English Punditry is a necessity….
Dunphy (After watching Gareth Crooks interview Sven Goran Eriksson)-“That’s the first time I’ve seen two men have sex on BBC”
See also Dunphy calling Jamie Redknapp a “mammys boy” and awarding the BBC panel with spoofers of the week award for the eulogising of “poof ball”(aka Cristiano Ronaldo)
14- Ray Houghton and Kenny Cunninham are allowed to talk about anything (even non-football related issues)-coz everything they say is ******** and chances are nobody is watching any game that they are involved in anyways (normally a quite Saturday where main game is Watford v sheff utd and the like).
15-Strict dress code necessary-bonus points for pundit who can include most colours in shirt tie suit combo…preferable if all three are in stark contrast and in no way match….in fact each pundit should choose what the other wears for a laugh….
Note:Important that at least one panel member has a randomly coloured handkerchief hanging from suit pocket.
16-Teams that “do their stuff”(ie. Run like **** and tackle all day) are great.
17-A centre midfield player that goes back to take the ball from his centre half is king…he should be allowed to play….any centre midfield player who does not do this is ****e and will result in his team playing “cave-man” football(all ball will be wellied from centre half to centre forward with furious running and bullock-walloping for breaks in between)…this player should be removed from football and put down.
18-Sitting on the fence is frowned upon….Be brave and stick your neck out when predicting results….it doesn’t matter if your wrong
Example-Predictions for Champions League Quarter finals ties=Munich, Roma, Valencia.
19-Also, any statement made previously, may be subsequently denied at a later date (especially Dunphy) and changed to reflect new circumstances….thus, in a world cup a pundit may change his view on who may win right up to the final and preference for that team will be as if it were given at the start of the tournament. Same applies to champions league and premiership.
20-The host of the panel must know as little as possible about football…his job is to irritate and bemuse the panel with daft and pointless question which leads to blank stares followed by a flaming row.
21-If pundits are in a bad mood(normally resulting from serious hangover) they may take it out on a team/player with no basis for criticism-(see random outburst against Liverpool/Xabi Alonso/Rafa Benitez after defeating Barcelona!!)
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