Favourite Dialogue From a Comedy?

[jebus]

TV or film I guess, one of mine would have to be from Team America,

Gary Johnston: OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
Spottswoode: Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?
Gary Johnston: No.
Spottswoode: So then, you haven't seen everything

[GavinZac]

attempting to keep it short but the entire scene is fantastic

ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, how did you become King, then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,...
[angels sing]
...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

[SkStu]

Harry: What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry: Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name]
Lloyd: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.

[Block G Raptor]

From TV comedy some Classic Dwarf Moments like these

Lister: D'ya think Wilma's sexy?
Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long, but every time I see that body, it drives me crazy. Is it me?
Cat: Well, I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman that ever lived.
Lister: That's good. I thought I was going strange.
Cat: She's incredible!
Lister: What d'ya think of Betty?
Cat: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty... but I'd be thinking of Wilma.
Lister: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
Lister: She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.


RIMMER
Of course I'm not okay! I hate your guitar! If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star.
LISTER
I didn't realise you thought I was that bad..?
RIMMER
Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?
LISTER
You would have stood a better chance if you'd used the neck-end... Anyway, you were revising; you always get a bit uptight when you're revising. Hey come on, come on, what about the Om Song? That was a classic!
RIMMER
People who heard that formed self-help groups.
LISTER
Don't give me that, they played my demo on hospital radio.
RIMMER
Yes, and three patients came out of comas, packed their bags and went home!


For my Movie Choice see my sig

[Wangball]

Pearl of Wisdom from Coach Finstock in Teenwolf.....

"There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."

[Pike B]

Pearl of Wisdom from Coach Finstock in Teenwolf.....

"There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."

BRILLIANT...
Just brilliant...

[Pike B]

BLAZING SADDLES
Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?
Hedley: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, ****-kickers and Methodists.
Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?

[Pike B]

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation


[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Clark Griswald:Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

[superfrank]

"It's Ireland biggest ligerie section I understand."

That scene in Father Ted always cracks me up.

[stojkovic]

Not from a comedy but from The Sopranos which did have its funny moments ;

Tony to Chris (on the phone) - "Dont f**k with that guy, he works for the Russian Interior Ministry and killed six Chechens with his bare hands".

Paulie to Chris - "What did T say".

Chris to Paulie - "This guys a f**king whacko, he's a Interior Decorator and killed six Czechoslovakians".

[Lionel Ritchie]

Volunteer Brian Cohen of local paramilitary outfit the P.F.J. is on his first mission -erecting an inflammatory graffito on the wall of Pilates residence, when he is accosted by a Roman centurion....

Centurion: What is this then? Romanes eunt domus, "People called Romanes they go the house"?
Brian: It-it says, "Romans, go home"!
Centurion: No, it doesn't! What's Latin for "Roman"? [grabs Brian's ear] Come on, come on!
Brian: Romanus!
Centurion: Goes like?
Brian: Annus!
Centurion: Vocative plural of annus is...?
Brian: Anni?
Centurion: [writes] Romani. And eunt? What is eunt?
Brian: "Go"! Let-
Centurion: Conjugate the verb "to go".
Brian: Ire; eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt!
Centurion: So eunt is...?
Brian: Third person plural, present indicative. "They go!"
Centurion: But "Romans, go home" is an order, so you must use the...?
Brian: The... imperative!
Centurion: Which is...?
Brian: I!
Centurion: [twisting Brian's ear] How many Romans?
Brian: [yelling] I.. Plural, plural! Ite, ite!
Centurion: [writing] Ite. Domus? Nominative? But "go home", it is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
Brian: Dative, sir!
[The centurion promptly draws his swords and presses it against Brian's throat. Brian yells:]
No, not dative! Not the dative, sir! No! The... accusative, accusative! Domum, sir, ad domum!
Centurion: Except that domus takes the...?
Brian: The locative, sir!
Centurion: Which is?
Brian: Domum!
Centurion: [writing] Domum... -um [sheathing his sword] Understand?
[Brian nods eagerly]
Now, write it out a hundred times!
Brian: Yes, sir, thank you, sir! Hail Caesar!
Centurion: Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off!
Brian: Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir!

[Dodge]

From arrested development.

Tobias to Michael:
First of all, we're doing this for her because neither of us wants to get divorced. Second-of-ly, I know you're the big marriage expert. Oh I'm sorry, I forgot, your wife is dead!!!

(long pause) I'm sorry, that was 100% inappropriate, and I do apologize profusely. I'm ooooh....


EDIT: made me want to read more. I'm in tears laughing. If you haven't seen the show, reading these quotes probably won't work

[superfrank]

Another Tobias classic was: "I just blue myself"

[tetsujin1979]

I always wondered how they got this one past the censors
"Im an analyst and I'm a therapist
I'm the world's first analrapist"

[pete]

Seinfeld

Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us

The cursing dialogue in the Restaurant Opening night scene from Curb. The foot.ie censor would destroy if I quoted.

[Billsthoughts]

Watched a few Arrested Development ones last weekend again. brilliant....

[noby]

Bluebottle:
What time is it Eccles?

Eccles:
Err, just a minute. I've got it written down on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.

Bluebottle:
Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you Eccles?

Eccles:
Welll, um, if a anybody asks me the time, I can show it to dem.

Bluebottle:
Wait a minute Eccles, my good man.

Eccles:
What is it fellow?

Bluebottle:
It's writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o'clock, is writted.

Eccles:
I know that my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o'clock.

Bluebottle:
Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?

Eccles:
Well den, I don't show it to 'em.

Bluebottle:
Ooohhh.

Eccles:
[smacks lips] yeah.

Bluebottle:
Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?

Eccles:
I've got it written down on a piece of paper.

Bluebottle:
Ohh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on.

Eccles:
Oohhhh.

Bluebottle:
'Ere Eccles?

Eccles:
Yah.

Bluebottle:
Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? 'Ere. This piece of paper ain't goin'

Eccles:
What? I've been sold a forgery.

Bluebottle:
No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.

Eccles:
Oh dear.

Bluebottle:
You should get one of them tings my Grandad's got.

Eccles:
Oooohhh.

Bluebottle:
His firm give it to him when he retired.

Eccles:
Oooohhh.

Bluebottle:
It's one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettil, and pours a cuppa tea.

Eccles:
Ohhh yeah. What's it called? Um.

Bluebottle:
My Grandma.

Eccles:
Ohh. Ohh, wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock?

Bluebottle:
She's got it written down on a piece of paper.

[pete]

The cursing dialogue in the Restaurant Opening night scene from Curb. The foot.ie censor would destroy if I quoted.

Swearing is usually a cheap shot at humour but not when done like this. (watch out for the sound)

[rambler14]

From Dumb and Dumber:

[after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped]
Harry: Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnkefjCES-4

Also from Dumb and Dumber:

Lloyd: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Harry: Where did you get 25 extra becks?
Lloyd: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4-C.
Harry: The blind kid?
Lloyd: Yeah, ha ha! Yeah.
Harry: What did you sell him Lloyd?
Lloyd: Stuff.
Harry: What kinda stuff?
Lloyd: I don't know, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,
[cough]
Lloyd: Petey.
Harry: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!
Lloyd: Harry, I took care of it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jOnmdUcuG8

Also from Dumb and Dumber:

Lloyd: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?
Lady at bus stop: Austria.
Lloyd: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Couldn't find a clip from Dumb and Dumber but I found a clip of an Austrian fella doing just what Lloyd says

[Flawless]

Not a true comedy, but Snatch is full of Crackers!

Policeman: So, what you doin here?
Turkish: I'm taking the dog for a walk. What's the problem?
Policeman: What's in the car?
Turkish: Seats and a steering wheel


Turkish: Have you ever crossed the road, and looked the wrong way? A car's nearly on you? So what do you do? Something very silly. You freeze. Your life doesn't flash before you, 'cause you're too ****in' scared to think - you just freeze and pull a stupid face. But the pikey didn't. Why? Because he had plans of running the car over.


Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya are your balls. There are two types of balls. There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls.
Vinny: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a *****, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun...
[Zoom in on the side of Sol's gun, which indeed has "REPLICA" etched on the side; zoom out, as they sneak peeks at the sides of their guns]
Bullet Tooth Tony: And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O"...
[Withdraws his gun and puts it on the table]
Bullet Tooth Tony: Written down the side of mine...
[They look, zoom in on the side of his gun, which indeed has "DESERT EAGLE .50" etched on the side]
Bullet Tooth Tony: Should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... **** off!


Turkish: **** me, hold tight. What's that?
Tommy: It's me belt, Turkish.
Turkish: No, Tommy. There's a gun in your trousers. What's a gun doing in your trousers?
Tommy: It's for protection.
Turkish: Protection from what? "Zee Germans"?



Love it!