Originally Posted by
Red&White
Having looked into my crystal ball I foresee...
February: There is controversy during Linfield’s match at the Brandywell in the Setanta Cup when a Thompson through ball is diverted 4 miles across the border by police to avoid possible disturbances. “There were more direct routes,” protests David Jeffries.
March: Cohb Ramblers come out of the traps like a shot, winning their first 4 games and scoring 14, one of which is the result of a 22 pass move finished by their goalkeeper.
Derry City field an ineligible printer on their office desk and, on the verge of being docked 10 points, are saved by the revelation that the FAI did not inform Pat Jennings of the suspension when he was on holiday in Dublin the previous week.
Shelbourne crash out of the first preliminary round of the Cillit Bang Inter-Village Trophy after losing 4-1 to ‘O’Rourkes Pub and Sandwich Bar XI FC’ from Westmeath.
April: Rumours begin to circulate that Cobh’s good start is the result of a lengthy program of drug-taking their manager has put them on, after midfielder Shane Barrett begins a run and finishes just outside Wicklow, picking up a speeding fine on the way. Manager Stephen Henderson denies the rumours: “Shane was just trying to beat the offside trap.”
May: Bohemians surprise the world by signing David Beckham from LA Galaxy on a free transfer “I don’t want people to think I’m doing this because of the money,” Beckham tells the Phibsoboro Chronicle, “I truly want to play for Bomons and believe I can enjoy a long and happy career with them and Mr. Flong.”
June: Beckham leaves Bohemians, “I thought they were Brazilian.”
Hearing this, Stephen Henderson invites him to come to Cohb Ramblers.
Finn Harps’ Paul Hegarty signs a sheep as his Assistant Manager at Finn Park: “He’s good at getting the players up for it.”
July: Chairman John O'Sullivan angrily denies rumours of drug taking as Cobh Ramblers change their name to The Flying Carpets of Melting Colours FC.
Surviving relatives of Patrick Turner request that Cork City restore his memorial site into the cross it’s supposed to be. Henceforth, Cork will play matches from West-East, their opponents from North-South.
August: Bohemians draw Valencia in the UEFA Cup first round. “We certainly won’t be underestimating the uh…players from the Irish League,” their manager Ronald Koeman tells Northside News,” We’ve done lots of research about them and their formidable trio of Anna Nolan, Sheana Keane, and midfield hard-man Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh so I feel we’ll be well prepared.” Bohemians win 6-2 in Spain.
After a mere 9 supporters turn up for UCD’s game against St. Pats, the FAI’s John Delaney hails the success of summer football, “By playing games like this in the summer months, we’ve ensured that people have an alternative to having to watch them- a barbeque perhaps, maybe going for a nice walk?
September: Ian Stokes claims referees have been ‘ridden rock solid,’ by TV coverage of the league this year. “How are we supposed to influence games when TV replays can show what really happened? It‘s making us look silly.”
As school starts once more, attendances at Tolka Park fall by 67%.
Clubs at the foot of the table are hopeful as the Evening Herald reports on a Bono inspired campaign to ‘Make Relegation History.’ Their joy is short lived however when the Herald admits ’relegation,’ was a typo that should have read, ‘prostitution.’
Bono tells the News of the World, “There is no reason in this day and age why people should have to work at a soul-destroying, unhappy, undignified, inhuman job just to make ends meet.” After reading his comments, 16 players leave Finn Harps.
Pat McCourt’s hair gets its own squad number.
October: Derry City neglect to turn up for a match with Finn Harps at the end of the month as the players are too tempted by the Halloween celebrations in town. Finn Harps players decide to continue regardless. Derry win 2-0.
Bohemians finally sell their stadium to developers for EUR48m. “Cor!” manager Pat Fenlon tells the Dalymount Gazette as he counts his money, “You could buy all the soap in Dublin with that and still have EUR48, 999, 999.59”
November: Cobh Ramblers win the league, with 75 points. Captain Alan Carey asks reporters, “Do you have any biscuits?” Drogheda finish 2nd, equal on points but lose on “Games Played.”
December: The Christmas Tree at the FAI is surrounded by an 8 foot wall, topped by barbed wire, and surrounded by a moat as Dundalk fan Maxi ‘Desert Panther,’ is released early for Christmas.
Stephen Henderson takes his players on a post-season tour of Columbia.
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, and cant wait to give becks i swift kick in those goldenballs
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