The Culchie Commandments

[pete]

01) - Thou shalt drink only pints and/or "whiskey."

02) - Thou shalt always ate the skin of yer rasher.

03) - Thou shalt always stand at the back during mass, or even better, in the porch talking.

04) - Thine Wife shalt emulate Biddy from Glenroe.

05) - Thou shalt emulate Miley.

06) - Thou shalt "Suck Diesel."

07) - Thou shalt pretend to know all about "The Headage."

08) - Thou shalt look after your tractor better than your car.

09) - Thou shalt have no "Revershing" lights or number plate on your trailers.

10) - Thou shalt display a "Travellin' to Flavin" sticker on the back window of all vehicles.

11) - Thou shalt wear your Ivomec Pour-On fleece with pride.

12) - Thou shalt not use but half-inch Wavin or "a good Sally Rod" for beatin cattle.

13) - Thine sons shall play GAA.

14) - Thine daaawwwthur shall marry the local centhur-forward.

15) - Thou shalt hold regular arguments with d'telly.

16) - Thou shalt reminisce the Fair Day, the Threshing, Kickin'Cabbages and the Corncrake.

17) - Thou shalt know a Mickeen Tomeen Joe and a Paddy Joe Paaaack from "the top of the parish."

18) - Thou shalt ate "Hang Sangwiches" at all GAA matches.

19) - Thou shalt hate "Those Backstard the Tans."

20) - Thou shalt be edumacated by the Chrissshtian Brethers.

21) - Thou shalt pronounce 'Yellow' as 'Yella'.

22) - Thou shalt carry the A.I. Man's mobile number on you at all times.

23) - Thou shalt not visit Dublin ( except to Croker and to bring
the wife shoppin' on the 8th of December ).

24) - Thou shalt not fail to attend the Ploughing Championships and all Steam Rallies.

25) - Thou shalt always know how to reek turf bether than thine Neighbour.

26) - Thou shalt use balin' twine to hold up thine trousers.

27) - Thou shalt not ever visit the dentist.

28) - Thou shalt not miss an episode of "The Weather."

29) - Thou shalt have many many injuries from "that Hooooor of Charlois I got from that cowboy calf-dealer."

30) - Thou shalt wear cap crooked.

31) - Thou shalt love all Big John Wayne's fims, especially "The Quiet Man."

32) - Thine son shall be nicknamed "Bungalow," 'cos "he's got nothin' upstairs."

33) - Thou shalt shoot stray dogs.

34) - Thou shalt drown cats.

35) - Thou shalt think all Lesbians are from Lesbia.

36) - Thou shalt annually run the tractor off the end of the pit when ramping silage.

37) - Thou shalt taste all barrels of Molasses.

38) - Thou shalt think it's great craic to ring PJ and roar into the phone while he's with "the bit of stuff."

39) - Thine favourite chat-up line shalt be "Howya fixshed for a bit a howya goin' on ?" whilst winking like an epileptic.

40) - Thou shalt paint "Whatever County for Sam!" on all of your round bales.

41) - Thou shalt never leave the country.

42) - Thou shalt have a Heinz-57 mongrel of a dog which is good for nothin' except terrorising the neighbour's sheep.

43) - Thou shalt only bathe on a sathurday niyat, using only carbolic soap

44) - Thou shalt read the Farmer's Journal.

45) - Thou shalt always support your county GAA team whilst curshing them for being "pure ****e" at every given opportunity.

46) - Thine sweet of choice shall be either Ritchies After-Dinner Mints or Silvermints.

47) - Thou shalt only be aware of strippers of the bovine kind.

48) - Thou shalt refer to Soccer as "The Foreign Game."

49) - Thou shalt always sing to dirty line to "Alice."

50) - Thou shalt always receive Communion on the tongue, licking the priest's hand in the process

[The Money Man]

On reading the 50 "Commandments", several obvious 'up your Jack's ars*' responses readily come to mind. Replying to 50 may be a bit arduous though. Nonetheless, I'll commit to have a complete list of 50 by next weekend. I might have to draw up two lists though - a South side list and a North side list. This may be a bit ambitious but we'll see.

So - to all non Jacks, please send me suggestions personally so that I may compile a comprehensive response. Next Saturday I'll submit the full list!

Possible samples....

Culchie version:
15) - Thou shalt hold regular arguments with d'telly.

Dublin (North Side) version.....
15) - Thou shalt hold regular arguments with d'telly license inspector.

Culchie version:
20) - Thou shalt be edumacated by the Chrissshtian Brethers.

Dublin (North Side) version.....
20) - Thou shalt avoid any form of education at all cost.

Culchie version:
33) - Thou shalt shoot stray dogs.

Dublin (North Side) version.....
33) - Thou shalt eat stray dogs.


...and South Side .....

Culchie version:
35) - Thou shalt think all Lesbians are from Lesbia.

Dublin (South Side) version.....
35) - Thine wife shall declare her need for a lesbian as a fashion accessory.

Culchie version:
44) - Thou shalt read the Farmer's Journal.

Dublin (South Side) version.....
44) - Thou shalt read the FT and pretend that you know what all the numbers mean.

Culchie version:
47) - Thou shalt only be aware of strippers of the bovine kind.

Dublin (South Side) version.....
47) - Thou shalt only be aware of the strippers of Benburb Street, whilst telling your mates that you frequent Fitzwilliam Square.

[Schumi]

Those are classic (the original Culchie ones). My dad's family are from Mayo and at least half of them apply perfectly.

[Éanna]

Originally posted by pete
39) - Thine favourite chat-up line shalt be "Howya fixshed for a bit a howya goin' on ?" whilst winking like an epileptic.

classic- still works in longford though