Best comebacks/heckles

[jebus]

I was just reading an article in one of the G2 supplements from a few weeks back where they asked readers to write in the best comebacks/heckles they had ever heard at shows. The three highlights for me where

Bono asks for a moment of silence at a Glasgow U2 gig

Bono: Do you know......that everytime I clap my hands.......a child in Africa dies?

Audience member: Then stop f*cking clapping them

or

A stage performance of Anne Frank in London's West End was so poor that when the Nazis burst into the house an audience member shouted out

'She's hiding upstairs'

or

At a Frank Skinner show in Leeds. Frank is in the middle of telling a joke when an audience members phone goes off and he answers it

Frank: So who is it?

Audience member: A better f*cking comedian


Genius

[gustavo]

serious contender for 'Best Heckle Ever' is that offered to Mike and Bernie Winters, a 1960's and 70's comedy double act when playing the notoriously difficult Glasgow Empire. Their act relied heavily on their cultivated image as a pair of loveable Cockney brothers, not something likely to endear them to a Scottish audience at the best of times. The opening skit, Mike (alone) playing music, was met with a funereal silence. Bernie then bounced on stage to continue the act/rescue his brother, at which point the stony silence was broken by a Glaswegian voice, "**** me, there's two of them!"

Also best comeback from a heckle is Bill Hicks responding to an idiot in the crowd shouting "Freebird"
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Bill_Hicks
Under "Other"

[osarusan]

Ramnaresh Sarwan, a cricketer, responding to the "sledging" from Aussie bowler Glenn McGrath. McGrath asked "so what does Brian Lara's c##k taste like?" Sarwan replied "Dunno mate, you better ask your wife."

[OwlsFan]

One I've used when being heckled when giving a speech is:

"I thought alcoholics are supposed to be anonymous!!" (guaranteed heckle stopper).

[Rory H]

"you're from cork"

[sligoman]

Bray Wanderers fans singing to Keith Foy "Belly's gonna get ya, belly's gonna get ya". Foy replies "It already has".

[Magicme]

In Showgrounds last season someone was chanting "u fat b*stard" at our goalie Robbie Horgan and my amply proportioned mate shouted "its all right Robbie hes talkin to me"

[Block G Raptor]

I remember heckling a bald guy playing for limerick against bohs(circa 10 years ago) for most of the match. what was his comeback? fecker scored direct from a corner at the shed end and ran straight up to me and laughed in my face
was fcuking sickend have to admit

[SaucyJack]

the classic Seinfeld episode,


"Oh yeah Riley, well the jerkstore called and they're running out of you."

[Paddyfield]

I was at a Billy Connolly gig over ten years ago. More than an hour into the show, two drunk lads arrived in and walked up the cental aisle of the venue looking for a seat. BC was not impressed.

He sniggered: "Every where I do a gig, there is a wank€r. New York, London, Amsterdam. Every f***ing where. And then I play in Galway and there is two f***ing wank€rs"...pointing at the two boyos.

"Come down here" yelled one of them,"and then there will be three wank€rs"

The crowd were in stitches. BC was bemused.

[Raheny Red]

Is it true that some stand-ups hire hecklers to liven up the show???

[Ash]

I heard that before, some have hired hecklers with
pre agreed heckles so they can give a witty retort.

Also, on another topic but I heard that Tommy Tiernan
dosent come up with his own material much. One of his
friends in Galway, small chubby lad, cant remember his
name is, the main contributor.
(this could be old news but I just heard it recently)

[First]

One I've used when being heckled when giving a speech is:

"I thought alcoholics are supposed to be anonymous!!" (guaranteed heckle stopper).

Heard this used to shut up a heckler who guickly responded, " Its worth it to give away my anonymity to shut you up."
So I guess its not guaranteed

[stann]

Remember seeing some comedians discussing this on telly years ago and one of them, Jeremy Hardy I think, told one about Simon Fanshawe when he was dying on his arse at a gig in London, during a lull a bloke at the back door shouted out 'Taxi for a Mr Fanshawe!' There is really no comeback to that one, is there?

Read one just yesterday in Ricky Tomlinson's new book about Bernard Manning, some bloke got up for a p!ss half-way through Manning's act in his own club only to be berated from the stage for doing so. He fired back a cracker along the lines of: 'Sorry mate, just wanted to nip to the bog before the comedian starts'!